I am sad today...need to vent. Tired of doing everything.
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Anonymous
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I’m feeling really sad and frustrated today. I am feeling angry at my husband and I know I shouldn’t because it’s not something he has complete control over.
My husband is an attorney at a big law firm and works very long hours. I am basically close to 100% responsible for our kids at any given time. He comes home around 9-10pm most nights but sometimes 10 or 11. And he often has to work to do once he comes home and for hours on end on weekends. Unfortunately there is just no way for him to cut down his hours. So basically it is impossible for him to be an equal partner. I’m exhausted. I also work, be it part time but it’s not my job that is breaking me down-it’s everything else. It’s just being completely responsible for every aspect of this family’s well being. My husband is the main bread winner but other than financial stuff it’s all on me. I am just so tired. Tired of being the one who always has to remember to sign the permission forms or remember the date of meetings/special events/birthday parties/dr. Appointments etc... I feel like my mental load is on overdrive all the time. And I’m jealous of people who have family near by. I am jealous of the moms I know who can go out for drinks and things because on those nights their husbands stay home with the kids. And I’m jealous of moms whose husbands are equal partners and can consistently be available for things. I guess I’m mostly upset because I feel like there is no way to change it. Like my husband legitimately can’t set aside time because if he gets an important work email he literally has to deal with it immediately. My kids have been fighting non stop for 2 hours. And all I can think about is all the shit I need to get done this weekend. I love my husband dearly. And I know it upsets him too. But it’s just hitting me hard today. I know I need to get some regular babysitters to help me but my husband wants us to meet the babysitter together and obviously that has been a challenge. There are weeks when it is better and that’s good. But there are also weeks where I hardly ever see him and neither do the kids. Oh and he wants another baby. I just can’t. I was putting my younger child to bed last night and started crying because I always imagined reading to our kids together at night and maybe that happens once a month. And it’s just sad. I’m probably being overly dramatic but I just needed to write it. Thanks for reading. |
Anonymous
| I worked in biglaw for 10 years. He needs to set some boundaries. There are times that he will legit be very busy. But it isn't all the time. He absolutely should pick one night a week to leave work by 6. And at least one weekend day for family. And only work during those times if it is an emergency. Biglaw has a way of creeping in to everything and taking over if you don't push back a little. |
Anonymous
Your DH is 100% the problem here. He doesn't get to dictate that you can't hire help without him and then be unavailable. Why is his need to meet the babysitter more important than your need to get some relief with a babysitter since you can't through him? Hire a babysitter!! And there's a bunch of other stuff you need to work out with him as well. But start with a babysitter so that you can go out for an evening or just take a bath or whatever. |
Anonymous
| Oh, and stop waiting for your husband to get a babysitter. Hire one and get some time for yourself. At least 8 hours a week. You deserve it. |
Anonymous
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If your husband wants veto power over a babysitter, then he needs to make himself available. Does he not trust you to choose wisely?
If he knows this whole situation is not ideal, WHY would he want another baby?! |
Anonymous
| Yea, the "must meet the babysitter" thing won't fly. How old are your kids? It sounds like you don't have family nearby? |
Anonymous
| Why can't he get another job? |
Anonymous
This and I don't think you should have another baby. It's not what you want. |
Anonymous
Plus 1 |
Anonymous
Exactly. Is all that money really worth it? Because it sure doesn't sound like it. |
Anonymous
Sounds like another baby won't change his life at all, since it's all on op's shoulders. I wouldn't mind another child if I didn't actually have to do any of the work! |
Anonymous
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I am sorry OP.
Before my first child was born, I received invaluable advice -- if I delegated childcare I had to let some decisions go. That was for a nanny and it has served me well - my nanny has been amazing and knows she has my respect because I don't micromanage. But it could apply to you too, and perhaps more so. your husband is too busy to meet a babysitter and you desperately need one. So he needs to trust you. Likewise with all the other decisions you make. He needs to see this and give you the room to do things that are best for the whole family. If he can't be mature about this a reckoning must be in order or he needs to be home enough to not make these decisions and responsibilities yours alone. Best of luck to you. As for another child I think that is dependent l chest ylucss t and his ability to see this point and more generally respect youcs d your needs. |
Anonymous
Yes. |
Anonymous
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My DH is in big law as well and I do 99.9% of the child rearing and family life organization. I cook, clean, make sure kids are fed and have everything they need. I work full time at home and pretty much do everything other than outside lawn work. DH does that when he has time on the weekends. So I totally know how you feel. Kids are 2.5 and 1 and we want another one.
A few things hat have helped. 1) I knew this was going to be the case before we got married. We met in law school and basically knew his career would always be crazy if he was in big law. 2) I love doing all of this for my family. I don't resent it and my husband is very very thankful for everything I do. 3) I plan tons of play dates and get together with friends on the weekends and if DH can come he can come. If he can't because of work then that stinks but I still go. I refuse to be stuck with no friends all weekend just because DH works. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Sure he can get another job. But it won’t pay even half of his salary now. And we have a mortgage that is based on his current salary. Ideally in a few years we can revisit that option.
And to the pp that asked. No we have no family here at all. All are 4 hours or more away. And to the pp that said to stop whining and “I knew what I was signing up for”. You know things always seem more manageable before kids. He actually worked even more than and it was totally fine. So yeah. The hypothetical and reality are two different things. We have been together since we were 19. Sure I knew what I was signing up for-but should I have not married the man I love because he has a demanding job? Come on. But yeah. I’m just going to hire someone and he will have to be ok with it. |