I am sad today...need to vent. Tired of doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking about the above comments today and it seems to me that there are two perspectives: those that believe a job in big law means working the hours OP described, in which case the only way to improve the situation is for her husband to get a new job (outside of big law, presumably), and those who think there's something else making OPs husband work such extreme hours.

Certainly OPs husband is not alone, and there are other lawyers who work hours like his - but there are also plenty of other professions (including low-paying ones!) that consume those who allow themselves to be consumed.

No one on DCUM knows anything of OPs circumstances or her husband's professional track, but in my experience people who go into and stay in big law (ie, have the ability to make partner) typically don't HAVE to work the kind of hours described. Whether it's the result of not setting boundaries, not working efficiently, feeling like he has to "prove" himself to someone, having learned at a young age that that's simply what work is, I don't know. But big law hours - while they can be long - do not have to result in a totally absent spouse/parent.

What made me think about these comments and made me write again is because I hate to think I contributed to some message that OP should become a "better housewife" in order to seduce her husband into coming home earlier (and in reality I don't think the other PP was saying that either, but that's how it was interpreted). I simply think that there is something else going on that is making it hard for OPs husband to prioritize his family, and for better or worse, it's up to her to help him figure out what it is. It could be something in the marriage, or their family (which could simply be that having young kids is exhausting), or something in his personal history that is driving him to feel like he MUST SUCCEED (ie, work) AT ALL COSTS (and the cost is is family). And that is a dangerous way for anyone to live their life.

I disagree. It's up to OP to explain the consequences of DH's work life on their marriage and family, and it's up to OP's husband to decide what to do about it, and accept the consequences of his choice.