I am sad today...need to vent. Tired of doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Really? When my husband is working a ton of hours he is usually writing. When is the last time you wrote a 30 page single page brief in 2 days?? Probably not lately.

This happens all of the time. Tons of biglaw lawyers use their work to check out at home. No way is he busy all of the time.

Pp here ... that is totally agree with. My DH is busy in intervals. Not all the time. When he isn't busy he is home with his family not pretending to be busy. If for some reason he hasn't seen the kids for 2 days because of deadlines he will make sure to come home early or stay late in the mornings to see them. His firm is also pretty good at respecting time off and not contacting him unless there is an emergency.

[Anonymous]

21:10. Co-parent. Not co-patent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big Law sucks. And it's a slow realization sometimes, and it is hard to see that before kids. BUT, I have little sympathy for anyone over the age of 28 who still falls into the golden handcuffs trap. Basically, you can't have it both ways - the great salary and an involved co-patent.

Is he a partner? Or a senior associate on partner track?

Long term - he needs to set boundaries and/or you need to move to a house you can afford on half his salary. The problem with Big Law is if you've set the expectation that you respond to emails right away, that's what clients and partners expect. If he's not specialized enough and isn't a partner, he may not be able to set these boundaries now because the clients and partners think he's fungible. But, that also means he may not be likely to make partner and will have to find a new job soon. If he's partner - he may end up making less of a draw.

Mid term - don't have another baby.

Short term - set up interviews with babysitters and tell him he can either make the time, or suck it up. You have to set boundaries too.

Big law associate (part-time, mommy tracked, but a specialist so who knows what the hell will happen) who is the primary breadwinner and still does bedtime solo at least half the week. We bought a house with a mortgage that was half the amount we were approved for and have one kid.

Excellent advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he get another job?

Exactly. Is all that money really worth it? Because it sure doesn't sound like it.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sure he can get another job. But it won’t pay even half of his salary now. And we have a mortgage that is based on his current salary. Ideally in a few years we can revisit that option.
And to the pp that asked. No we have no family here at all. All are 4 hours or more away.
And to the pp that said to stop whining and “I knew what I was signing up for”. You know things always seem more manageable before kids. He actually worked even more than and it was totally fine. So yeah. The hypothetical and reality are two different things. We have been together since we were 19. Sure I knew what I was signing up for-but should I have not married the man I love because he has a demanding job? Come on.
But yeah. I’m just going to hire someone and he will have to be ok with it.

I assume you are responding to me as that quote ... I realize that life changes a lot when you have kids and nothing can really get you ready for it but seriously what did you think it would be like with kids if your DH was working 80-100 hours a week? I knew that if DH was going to be in big law that with the big paycheck came a lot of working hours. I still wanted kids so I was and am willing to do more of the work at home in order to make my DH's life easier so he doesn't have to be stressed at work and at home. But that works for us. Do what works for you.

She's responding to a snarky one-liner post that Jeff already deleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Lol. Trump voter.

Nope, I abhor Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Really? When my husband is working a ton of hours he is usually writing. When is the last time you wrote a 30 page single page brief in 2 days?? Probably not lately.

A 30 page brief in 2 days at 15 hours a day...so writing a page an hour? With legal assistants helping with research...Okay. What's impressive is how much they get paid for each hour they work. Now that's impressive!

[Anonymous]

DH is not big law but a surgeon. I also do 99.9% of family duties. We outsource most of our cooking and cleaning. I don't outsource childcare so I'm exhausted.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom and I work part time and I would totally babysit for you so that you could have a night out once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

You need to outsource more. He sounds like he works on important deals so probably pulling in a lot of money. Outsource and enjoy your fancy lifestyle. You need to accept the downside though- Work comes before everything else!

[Anonymous]

Your DH wants another kid? He doesn't seem to be much of one to the kids he already has. He chooses work and money over his family. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeling really sad and frustrated today. I am feeling angry at my husband and I know I shouldn’t because it’s not something he has complete control over.
My husband is an attorney at a big law firm and works very long hours. I am basically close to 100% responsible for our kids at any given time. He comes home around 9-10pm most nights but sometimes 10 or 11. And he often has to work to do once he comes home and for hours on end on weekends. Unfortunately there is just no way for him to cut down his hours. So basically it is impossible for him to be an equal partner.
I’m exhausted. I also work, be it part time but it’s not my job that is breaking me down-it’s everything else. It’s just being completely responsible for every aspect of this family’s well being. My husband is the main bread winner but other than financial stuff it’s all on me.
I am just so tired. Tired of being the one who always has to remember to sign the permission forms or remember the date of meetings/special events/birthday parties/dr. Appointments etc... I feel like my mental load is on overdrive all the time. And I’m jealous of people who have family near by. I am jealous of the moms I know who can go out for drinks and things because on those nights their husbands stay home with the kids. And I’m jealous of moms whose husbands are equal partners and can consistently be available for things.
I guess I’m mostly upset because I feel like there is no way to change it. Like my husband legitimately can’t set aside time because if he gets an important work email he literally has to deal with it immediately.
My kids have been fighting non stop for 2 hours.
And all I can think about is all the shit I need to get done this weekend.
I love my husband dearly. And I know it upsets him too. But it’s just hitting me hard today.
I know I need to get some regular babysitters to help me but my husband wants us to meet the babysitter together and obviously that has been a challenge.
There are weeks when it is better and that’s good. But there are also weeks where I hardly ever see him and neither do the kids.
Oh and he wants another baby. I just can’t.
I was putting my younger child to bed last night and started crying because I always imagined reading to our kids together at night and maybe that happens once a month. And it’s just sad.
I’m probably being overly dramatic but I just needed to write it. Thanks for reading.

I was you. I became a SAHM. Believe it or not, it was still hard! But it was better for both of us. After he became partner, it calmed down some. Also, at one point (after he was a partner) he changed firms and the new firm operated differently--law firms compensate their attorneys differently. Some are very strict on the billables, and some don't care as long as you bring in the clients. Some are dysfunctional, and some are very well functioning. And some law firms are more cult-like than others: my DH's first firm was like a cult, and seemed to harness his loyal streak and propel him into those insane hours. I had to deprogram him a little for him to be able to imagine that he didn't have to live and die at that particular firm.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is what selling your soul for money looks like. Sure you're loaded and have a nice house, but your life sounds miserable. Your husband is an absent father and your kids are going to grow up feeling the effects of that.

[Anonymous]

You sound like your children are young so you are in the trenches of exhaustion. OUTSOURCE and get a sitter. Even if you secure a sitter 2X a week, you can schedule that time to grocery shop (alone) or meet a friend or exercise. When you have scheduled "time"you will save up things to do that need your undivided attention. Hugs, it will improve as your kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs a new job...even if that means downsizing your home and finances. Are you on board with that?