Ladies - Does actively pursuing a man you like work? Anyone got their hubby this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have noted, the way women pursue is different from me. You need to smile, show interest, laugh at his jokes, dress nicely/makeup etc, listen to him.

If he still doesnt ask you out, casually suggest meeting up once for a coffee or something non dating like.

If he still doesnt bite, give up. Further pursuing will only lead to a horrible marriage where you are always doing the running.

+1

I'm the PP that pursied my DH.

When I say pursue I do not mean "I chased him down, called him and asked him for dates until he gave in." I mean that I noticed him, made a beeline for him, actively flirted and joked around and flirted with him. He noticed that I was being flirty and flirted back. Then he properly asked me out dinner and a movie and all that jazz.

I have heard from many many men, especially younger more inexperienced ones that it is often very hard and embarrassing to walk up to random girls and talk. They NEED signals and since they are men, they need OBVIOUS signals.

The douchey guys who chase you regardless of whether you show interest arent the keepers! The good guys will be a little shy and hesitant and NEED encouragement and reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have noted, the way women pursue is different from me. You need to smile, show interest, laugh at his jokes, dress nicely/makeup etc, listen to him.

If he still doesnt ask you out, casually suggest meeting up once for a coffee or something non dating like.

If he still doesnt bite, give up. Further pursuing will only lead to a horrible marriage where you are always doing the running.

+1

Also as a woman thinking of "pursuing" you need to ask yourself this: are you truly okay with "pursuing" the whole way? Or do you just want to take the first step, and hope that he steps in, change his mind about you and how much effort he makes, and picks up the "pursuit" game? What if you're always the one initiating or making most of the effort? Or do you think that by hooking him, so to speak, you can convince him to change?

A lot of these responses, frankly, sound like the latter - women who took the first step because their men were "shy" or inexperienced. Once they knew there was interest, they stepped up.

What if that second part never happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have noted, the way women pursue is different from me. You need to smile, show interest, laugh at his jokes, dress nicely/makeup etc, listen to him.

If he still doesnt ask you out, casually suggest meeting up once for a coffee or something non dating like.

If he still doesnt bite, give up. Further pursuing will only lead to a horrible marriage where you are always doing the running.

+1

Also as a woman thinking of "pursuing" you need to ask yourself this: are you truly okay with "pursuing" the whole way? Or do you just want to take the first step, and hope that he steps in, change his mind about you and how much effort he makes, and picks up the "pursuit" game? What if you're always the one initiating or making most of the effort? Or do you think that by hooking him, so to speak, you can convince him to change?

A lot of these responses, frankly, sound like the latter - women who took the first step because their men were "shy" or inexperienced. Once they knew there was interest, they stepped up.

What if that second part never happens?

Stay single. Do not attempt to take control of your own fate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have noted, the way women pursue is different from me. You need to smile, show interest, laugh at his jokes, dress nicely/makeup etc, listen to him.

If he still doesnt ask you out, casually suggest meeting up once for a coffee or something non dating like.

If he still doesnt bite, give up. Further pursuing will only lead to a horrible marriage where you are always doing the running.

+1

Also as a woman thinking of "pursuing" you need to ask yourself this: are you truly okay with "pursuing" the whole way? Or do you just want to take the first step, and hope that he steps in, change his mind about you and how much effort he makes, and picks up the "pursuit" game? What if you're always the one initiating or making most of the effort? Or do you think that by hooking him, so to speak, you can convince him to change?

A lot of these responses, frankly, sound like the latter - women who took the first step because their men were "shy" or inexperienced. Once they knew there was interest, they stepped up.

What if that second part never happens?

If you actively flirt and demonstrate romantic interest and the guy does NOT initiate then you move on! He is not into you!

On to the next one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some men are great catches but really shy. My brother in law is too shy to pursue, but if pursued, he will be an amazing catch.

This.

My DH is a great catch! But back when we met, he was 23 and super shy and awkward around girls! I new he was a catch instantly and shamelessly flirted with him until he asked me out. I know that had I not gone out of my way to initiate flirting with him, he would never have known that I was even a romantic possibility for him as he'd have thought I way out of his league to pursue. Once I flirted with him, he prompt;y flirted back and asked me out. The rest is history.

I do not understand this passive strategy of women sitting around waiting for men to come up to them. You can't sit in your tower and wait for Prince Charming to climb up and find you. It is the modern world. Climb out of your tower, mingle with men and be flirty!!

But YOU didn't ask, even though you could have. And I do think most women who succeed do it by being open and receptive, but letting the man do the asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have noted, the way women pursue is different from me. You need to smile, show interest, laugh at his jokes, dress nicely/makeup etc, listen to him.

If he still doesnt ask you out, casually suggest meeting up once for a coffee or something non dating like.

If he still doesnt bite, give up. Further pursuing will only lead to a horrible marriage where you are always doing the running.

+1

Also as a woman thinking of "pursuing" you need to ask yourself this: are you truly okay with "pursuing" the whole way? Or do you just want to take the first step, and hope that he steps in, change his mind about you and how much effort he makes, and picks up the "pursuit" game? What if you're always the one initiating or making most of the effort? Or do you think that by hooking him, so to speak, you can convince him to change?

A lot of these responses, frankly, sound like the latter - women who took the first step because their men were "shy" or inexperienced. Once they knew there was interest, they stepped up.

What if that second part never happens?

Stay single. Do not attempt to take control of your own fate.

More like don't lie to yourself and pretend like you're not desperate, just "pursuing." If you are really okay with it then go for it. But don't get yourself into a LTR doing all the pursuing and then start bitchin' about how he doesn't like you as much as you like him etc (as per some of the posts here lately). You know, especially after a couple of kids.

[Anonymous]

My wife definitely did.

We were coworkers, and sorta friends, and I always was mildly attracted to her, but I never acted on it because of the coworker thing. I was afraid to ask her out because I worried if she said no, it would be awkward afterwards or she might go to HR and I'd get fired. So I never broached the subject, just kept her firmly in the friend-zone.

I was basically idiotically oblivious to her advances, it took her months to even get me to notice she was flirting with me, because she didn't do it in a manner befitting a sit-com.

In hindsight, I felt stupid for not noticing sooner, but I'll give her credit for being persistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife definitely did.

We were coworkers, and sorta friends, and I always was mildly attracted to her, but I never acted on it because of the coworker thing. I was afraid to ask her out because I worried if she said no, it would be awkward afterwards or she might go to HR and I'd get fired. So I never broached the subject, just kept her firmly in the friend-zone.

I was basically idiotically oblivious to her advances, it took her months to even get me to notice she was flirting with me, because she didn't do it in a manner befitting a sit-com.

In hindsight, I felt stupid for not noticing sooner, but I'll give her credit for being persistent.

hahaha. This seems very much like the stories I hear from guys.

[Anonymous]

I got completely blasted when I previously posted about this on DCUM, but here goes ...

I pursued my ex- fiancé. I made the first move, I nudged toward escalating the relationship, etc. In hindsight, I see that he was flattered and swept up in the attention of someone who checked many desirable boxes - attractive, fun to be around, decent job and career prospects, family oriented. (I dared to say I was pretty on DCUM. What a bitch, I know). Anyway, it was a disaster. Despite some superficial compatibility and shared interests, we were completely unsuited for a life together and things imploded spectacularly. Deep down, I think he just didn't LIKE me, but I had desirable qualities.

When a man is interested, from my observations of my male and female friends' relationships and my successful marriage to my now-husband, he will do everything in his power to make it happen. When you pursue a man, you run the risk of him going along because you're the best option at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got completely blasted when I previously posted about this on DCUM, but here goes ...

I pursued my ex- fiancé. I made the first move, I nudged toward escalating the relationship, etc. In hindsight, I see that he was flattered and swept up in the attention of someone who checked many desirable boxes - attractive, fun to be around, decent job and career prospects, family oriented. (I dared to say I was pretty on DCUM. What a bitch, I know). Anyway, it was a disaster. Despite some superficial compatibility and shared interests, we were completely unsuited for a life together and things imploded spectacularly. Deep down, I think he just didn't LIKE me, but I had desirable qualities.

When a man is interested, from my observations of my male and female friends' relationships and my successful marriage to my now-husband, he will do everything in his power to make it happen. When you pursue a man, you run the risk of him going along because you're the best option at the time.

I won't blast you but clearly from other posters in this thread this isn't the only possible outcome.

OP try it out and then evaluate the relationship as it progresses. Plenty of relationships initiated by the guy also don't work out but no one blames that on the method of courtship. Such a weird argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got completely blasted when I previously posted about this on DCUM, but here goes ...



OP try it out and then evaluate the relationship as it progresses. Plenty of relationships initiated by the guy also don't work out but no one blames that on the method of courtship. Such a weird argument.

I think you misunderstand male and female drivers.
If a man pursues a woman aggressively and she is not interested the chances that anything will ensue is low - women tend to be more discrimatory in their choice of sexual partners.
If a woman pursues a man, the chance that he will at least sleep with her is high.

So to reiterate (im the men and women pursue in different ways poster) - pursue but within limits

[Anonymous]

Some people here are confused. Signaling is not the same as pursuing.

I'm the PP whose sister pursued her DH and men in general. Here's what she did:

- Asked him out on a date (not a casual hangout - a date)
- Planned their first date
- Called him first to follow up on the date
- Bought him an expensive gift for his birthday a month later

And on and on from there. She played the stereotypical man and he is still passive and entitled with her to this very day. Slyly suggesting you grab coffee just to hang out and letting the man do the rest is not the same as pursuing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister got her husband this way and 4 years later, she is still bending over backwards to keep him while he acts as if he is doing her a favor by being with her. You might get a man by chasing, but from what I've seen, men are socialized not to respect women who chase.

There is a difference between pursuit and selling yourself and being used.

[Anonymous]

I pursued an ex. I found him to be very lazy about the relationship and took me for granted. DH pursued me and has a much better personality for a life partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have noted, the way women pursue is different from me. You need to smile, show interest, laugh at his jokes, dress nicely/makeup etc, listen to him.

If he still doesnt ask you out, casually suggest meeting up once for a coffee or something non dating like.

If he still doesnt bite, give up. Further pursuing will only lead to a horrible marriage where you are always doing the running.

+1

I'm the PP that pursied my DH.

When I say pursue I do not mean "I chased him down, called him and asked him for dates until he gave in." I mean that I noticed him, made a beeline for him, actively flirted and joked around and flirted with him. He noticed that I was being flirty and flirted back. Then he properly asked me out dinner and a movie and all that jazz.

I have heard from many many men, especially younger more inexperienced ones that it is often very hard and embarrassing to walk up to random girls and talk. They NEED signals and since they are men, they need OBVIOUS signals.

The douchey guys who chase you regardless of whether you show interest arent the keepers! The good guys will be a little shy and hesitant and NEED encouragement and reinforcement.

This sounds like you flirted and showed interest. Pursuing is different.