My MIL sucks- should I even care?

[Anonymous]

People asked and I answered. If she spent time with my family and more specifically my son I wouldn't complain. Spending time together is worth more then $$$. She just seems to let our family down in every way. I've been talking a lot to DH about her upcoming visit and I think airing my issues with his mother has helped. He understands and feels similar but explained that this is his mom and she is who she is. He's spent years in therapy dealing with his family issues with her. He never really knew how I felt and airing it helped. Trust me, I'm ready to not give a s!!t.

I don't mean this in a snarky way but I think you should spend some time in therapy yourself. You have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. That's on you, not her. I have no doubt your DH has issues but you clearly have some of your own. Children don't miss absent grandparents. They don't see them enough to have a strong bond. Her not spending time with your DS isn't an issue for him unless you turn it into an issue. You're also not making it any easier for your DH. It may have helped you to air your feelings but I can't imagine how it helped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People asked and I answered. If she spent time with my family and more specifically my son I wouldn't complain. Spending time together is worth more then $$$. She just seems to let our family down in every way. I've been talking a lot to DH about her upcoming visit and I think airing my issues with his mother has helped. He understands and feels similar but explained that this is his mom and she is who she is. He's spent years in therapy dealing with his family issues with her. He never really knew how I felt and airing it helped. Trust me, I'm ready to not give a s!!t.

Whether it's time or money, your MIL most likely has her reasons for giving your family less than DH's siblings' families, whether you agree with them or not is another thing. Do you have any inkling what these reasons are? I personally think that it would help with your 'closure'/not giving a s*&t to know and understand these reasons.

I have a brother who has always gotten less from our parents compared to us siblings. He has a DS and during the first 3-4 years of his life, my parents sent no gifts and made little effort to see their grandson despite living just 30 miles away. We are on the opposite coast yet our parents have seen DD about every 3-4 months since birth and regularly send gifts. They refused to give him a loan to help with a downpayment yet bought a house in another sibling's name (not mine, btw) despite other sibling being much better off. Around the same time, our parents sent DH and me an extravagant five-figure wedding gift. Told that way, our parents would seem cruel for showing favoritism, especially towards their grandkids. But the reality is that there is a very long backstory, part of which is that my brother doesn't make the best life choices and our parents feel that what help they have given him has been pointless. As to the grandkids, my brother (and SIL) were not on good terms with our parents during DS's early years and did not invite them to their DS's birthday parties, etc., so my parents felt like what is the point of us sending a gift, our grandson doesn't know who we are. There is fault on both sides, as is usually but not always the case. In these situations, people, including my brother and SIL, tend to gloss over their responsibility while being very critical over others', which lends itself to bitterness and feelings of unfairness.

[Anonymous]

My MIL apparently has no issues with my husband. According to him she feels sorry for his brother. The brother barely graduated high school, can't hold down a job and has serious anger issues. My husband thinks he may have a diagnosis of some sort of mental illness but his mother wouldn't ever disclose information like that. The sister is her first born and she says she will always be closest to her first born and more giving towards them. My husband got good grades, graduated from a great school and has always been able to gain and mai rain employment.

I'm sure talking to my husband wasn't the best thing to do but he said it helped to know we were on the same page regarding her time spent with our child and our family. I don't talk bad about her to him (that's what girlfriends are for) but in the nicest way possible told him how sad I was about her not spending time with our family and how the comments she has made to me in the past have really hurt my feelings. I'm not going to trash the mans mother but expressed how I felt.

People on the board think I'm this horrible money grubbing entitled complainer but I'm thankful for what we have. Anyone who says they wouldn't be offended if your MIL gave to everyone but you is not being honest at all. I don't buy it for a second. If your MIL talked down to you and insulted you the 2 -3 hours a year you saw her you'd feel the same. With that said I'm really ready to get over her. Venting here did help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is probably more going on here that OP doesn't realize. If MIL financially supports her other (well-off) kids, perhaps OP's DH made some choices MIL did not approve of, and MIL now wants him to live with the consequences? Or she lives closer to the other families and knows the kids better?
At any rate, it is what it is, and I wouldn't lose another minute worrying about it.

I doubt it. I know a family where the golden haired oldest son, a star athlete, could do no wrong and his parents gave him everything until his untimely death due to too much partying. Meanwhile their smart, hardworking younger son, who was much less good looking, was totally ignored. (This was also a rich society family.). Sounds like the MiL is just an unpleasant perso. The type of person who would shun her SN preschool grandson is probably also the kind of person. That would draw arbitrary and unfair distinctions between her own children. Maybe OPs husband is less good looking, or takes after the husband she always hated, or was the reason she had to stay in a marriage for longer than she wanted....it's likely nothing that is his fault.
OP, I sympathize with you. I can see how this grates.

[Anonymous]

OP, your MIL sounds horrendous. Sorry!

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you, I really do. Would it make you feel better if I said there was no one who could ever make a donation to my kid's school on his behalf?
If I were your DH, of course I wouldn't want anything to do with my mom. But, it is a pretty common story - the child is being put down but still tries to earn love.

[Anonymous]

Most of your complaints are that she isn't giving you money. All the other things seem minor. She doesn't truly intrude or is rude. It would be nice is she was a more interested grandma, but you can't change her personality. It is strange that she is paying other kids tuition, but not your DS, her grandson. But, some people are just clueless, maybe she wants to be asked. It might actually be worse for you if she did give you money, as who knows what kind of hold she would have over your family.

[Anonymous]

... If your MIL talked down to you and insulted you the 2 -3 hours a year you saw her you'd feel the same.

Except that's not what you're on here complaining about. Why do you and, especially, your DH allow her to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People asked and I answered. If she spent time with my family and more specifically my son I wouldn't complain. Spending time together is worth more then $$$. She just seems to let our family down in every way. I've been talking a lot to DH about her upcoming visit and I think airing my issues with his mother has helped. He understands and feels similar but explained that this is his mom and she is who she is. He's spent years in therapy dealing with his family issues with her. He never really knew how I felt and airing it helped. Trust me, I'm ready to not give a s!!t.

I don't mean this in a snarky way but I think you should spend some time in therapy yourself. You have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. That's on you, not her. I have no doubt your DH has issues but you clearly have some of your own. Children don't miss absent grandparents. They don't see them enough to have a strong bond. Her not spending time with your DS isn't an issue for him unless you turn it into an issue. You're also not making it any easier for your DH. It may have helped you to air your feelings but I can't imagine how it helped him.

+1 I understand being disappointed that you don't have the MIL you might have envisioned before meeting DH/getting married. But why haven't you adjusted your expectations?

MIL is who she is. Your DH has told you what she's like. You've seen it yourself. So at this point, how is she letting you down? You are letting yourself down by having unrealistic expectations that set you up for disappointment and resentment.

[Anonymous]

I think you guys are being a bit harsh on OP. Her expectations of MIL may simply be a vestige of her experience with her family of origin. My extended family on my dad's side is super close, we're all into each other's business but we also stick our necks out huge for each other. Everyone goes out of his/her way to contribute, everyone is super eager to see photos, get together, spend hours talking, etc.

DH's family is quintessential cold, passive aggressive WASP family that never says a harsh word to each other but doesn't seem to like each other at all. DH has not spoken to his brother in years. This isn't because of a fall out, they just seem to "nothing" each other. BIL has literally not even seen a photo of my kids, to my knowledge, because he lives in a different city and just doesn't give a crap. (He's biglaw partner, btw, so presumably relatively functional human being otherwise). SUPER weird to me. Likewise, his father, my FIL is 99% uninterested in our kids, much less us. He sends a xmas check and if we visit his hometown he will do one cursory activity like a quick run through the museum where he will say maybe 1 sentence to me and talk at the kids for 5 minutes and then leave early. For years I was pretty hurt by this because it's just not what I grew up used to, and it's not what I want to accept as normal. That being said I've come to terms with it now but it took some time to get used to.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP. My family is like yours, extremely close. I was sgoing close to my grandparents and cherish the time I spent with them. They were a major,influence on my life. My parents do not live in the same city but 3-4 hours away and come atleast once a month. We talk daily and FaceTime etc. Its hard to get used to my MIL I guess. But I do think it's time I get over it and accept her for the person she is.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL doesn't like kids. Period. She had a hands-off approaching raising your DH and she's hands-off again around her grandson. Why are you surprised?

Your MIL also doesn't like extending her money. No loans. No help with tuition. Yea, that sucks not to have that option especially with such a benefactor, but she's not obligated to do so. You would think she'd be generous, but her definition of generous is giving to the school (and the charities if she's going to all these galas) and not to you.

You seem to think you're entitled. I'm not sure why.

[Anonymous]

OP do you have a good relationship with your own mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound entitled and very focused on money.

How so? I think it's crummy the way she treats my family. Money aside she belittles me and spends no time with our son.

OP, ignore those posters. It's terrible and hurtful and mean spirited and divisive that she doesn't spend the same on you all that she does on the others, or at least give you something also. It doesn't sound like it would hurt her to help you all out, pay tuition for example. Weird behavior. I wonder what her motives are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

... If your MIL talked down to you and insulted you the 2 -3 hours a year you saw her you'd feel the same.

Except that's not what you're on here complaining about. Why do you and, especially, your DH allow her to do that?

+1 I'm guessing it's because they're holding out hope the mother will give the $$. They don't want to risk it by standing up to her.