My MIL sucks- should I even care?

[Anonymous]

First off get it out of your head that she should financially help you. It is her money. You are adults who made a baby so you should live within your means to support your child.

If she is cold and distant that is who she is. She will never change. Learn to accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the real issue is you expect her to support your lifestyle when she will not. She is under no obligation to help and given who she is why would you even ask. My mom is similar and we live close and she rarely sees our child, hardly buys him anything and would never ever think about giving us a dime for our child's therapies. I don't understand why a 3 year old is at a expensive special school - if you cannot afford it, do the public program. There are universities that have lower cost therapies if your insurance doesn't cover them. Many of us have SN kids and would never ever go to our families, who don't care and are uncomfortable with it for help. Would help be nice? Sure, but its not going to happen.

I do not expect her to support our lifestyle. Or lack there of... we live very modestly in a small rental apartment and sold our car to pay for therapies and school for our son. It's our choice. Having a SN child, I'd go to the ends of the earth and live in a box if it meant giving him the BEST available treatments and schooling possible. We've never asked her for money for our son's therapies or tuition. My husband asked for a loan while he was changing careers. Never ever asked for a flat out hand out. It is her money and I don't disagree, she can do what she wants with it. It just feels like she gives to everyone but us. Again, I agree it's a waste of time resenting her for being who she is. Time to accept and keep it moving because god knows I have enough on my plate. It's these times when she comes for her yearly visit it makes me resentful all over again.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I don't get all the harsh responses, or get the sense you're entitled. It's not common for grandparents to feel so cold toward their grandkids and it's ok to be sad about the way things are.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Mostly for the asshole responses you are getting. If you re-worded the whole thing minus the money and private school, they would have been nicer. My guess is most of the women on here are like your MIL and it irritates them to hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, at least she doesn't come and stay for a week. You didn't marry her, be grateful she stays out of your life. Oh and the money thing, it's her money she doesn't have to give you any.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the real issue is you expect her to support your lifestyle when she will not. She is under no obligation to help and given who she is why would you even ask. My mom is similar and we live close and she rarely sees our child, hardly buys him anything and would never ever think about giving us a dime for our child's therapies. I don't understand why a 3 year old is at a expensive special school - if you cannot afford it, do the public program. There are universities that have lower cost therapies if your insurance doesn't cover them. Many of us have SN kids and would never ever go to our families, who don't care and are uncomfortable with it for help. Would help be nice? Sure, but its not going to happen.

I do not expect her to support our lifestyle. Or lack there of... we live very modestly in a small rental apartment and sold our car to pay for therapies and school for our son. It's our choice. Having a SN child, I'd go to the ends of the earth and live in a box if it meant giving him the BEST available treatments and schooling possible. We've never asked her for money for our son's therapies or tuition. My husband asked for a loan while he was changing careers. Never ever asked for a flat out hand out. It is her money and I don't disagree, she can do what she wants with it. It just feels like she gives to everyone but us. Again, I agree it's a waste of time resenting her for being who she is. Time to accept and keep it moving because god knows I have enough on my plate. It's these times when she comes for her yearly visit it makes me resentful all over again.

You are all about the money. " It just feels like she gives to everyone but us". Since you do not have a relationship with her how would you know this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A: paragraphs, please!
B: maybe private school is something you should cut since you struggle financially
C: it's her money, she doesn't have to give you a dime

Yeah, it sounds like a pricey place for a toddler. Mil gets a tax write off but she has to donate the money first. She's still out of pocket. If she donates $10k, she can only claim back her tax bracket, she's still out thousands of dollars.

Do you really struggle financially? I bet your HHI is more than 180k. Maybe even 200k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A: paragraphs, please!
B: maybe private school is something you should cut since you struggle financially
C: it's her money, she doesn't have to give you a dime

Yeah, it sounds like a pricey place for a toddler. Mil gets a tax write off but she has to donate the money first. She's still out of pocket. If she donates $10k, she can only claim back her tax bracket, she's still out thousands of dollars.

Do you really struggle financially? I bet your HHI is more than 180k. Maybe even 200k.

The above was me and I take the harsh comments back. I didn't read the part about SN kid, rental apartment, Mil treats her kids differently. All that added on changes my response.

Just hugs. And sorry I was snippy.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the hugs PP. I appreciate your apology.our household income is $100k. We don't spend money except for groceries and on our child. I had to cut back hours which turned into a job change so I could be home to work with my child and participate in his therapies. My son's school is expensive. Like I said, I'd live in a box if it meant giving my child the best treatments and schooling possible. It is worth it for me. We would do anything for our child.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lived 2 miles away for several years, but saw our kids only when there was a big family gathering. She didn't offer any help when the kids were born. She visited for less than an hour in the hospital and that was the end of it. When our oldest was 4 and our 2nd child barely 2, she moved across the country. DH was upset but I decided it was for the best because our kids wouldn't interpret her lack of interest as rejection. When we had our 3rd, we invited her out here. To my amazement, she told us she was coming for a week when he was about a month old. We were so excited for her visit. She arrived around noon and stayed through dinner. That was the total time she spent with us. DH was crushed since he had been at work for most of those hours. She spent the rest of the week visiting other friends and relatives. She has since visited maybe a dozen times over 10 years, but each visit is no more than 1-2 hours, even though she is in the area for weeks. It's sad. She sends a card and $25 gift card for each of the kids birthdays and Christmas, but makes no other effort to communicate with them. When they were younger, I had them write her letters, make cards and send handmade gifts, but she never responded. She calls DH about every 3-4 months. He is guilty of not calling her either, though. I nag him to call her about once a month (she rarely answers and doesn't return his calls). I think after a decade of being ignored, he is done. I had always hoped that one day she would come around and be an involved grandparent, but now it's too late. My teens don't feel any connection with her. My youngest really doesn't know her at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, why doesn't your husband make more of an effort to include you when his mother comes to visit? Seems to me it's on you to charm and win over your MIL. Then maybe she'd take more of an interest in you, unless she's convinced you're beneath her, somehow. Sadly, it doesn't sound as if she's ever going to be very interested in your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lived 2 miles away for several years, but saw our kids only when there was a big family gathering. She didn't offer any help when the kids were born. She visited for less than an hour in the hospital and that was the end of it. When our oldest was 4 and our 2nd child barely 2, she moved across the country. DH was upset but I decided it was for the best because our kids wouldn't interpret her lack of interest as rejection. When we had our 3rd, we invited her out here. To my amazement, she told us she was coming for a week when he was about a month old. We were so excited for her visit. She arrived around noon and stayed through dinner. That was the total time she spent with us. DH was crushed since he had been at work for most of those hours. She spent the rest of the week visiting other friends and relatives. She has since visited maybe a dozen times over 10 years, but each visit is no more than 1-2 hours, even though she is in the area for weeks. It's sad. She sends a card and $25 gift card for each of the kids birthdays and Christmas, but makes no other effort to communicate with them. When they were younger, I had them write her letters, make cards and send handmade gifts, but she never responded. She calls DH about every 3-4 months. He is guilty of not calling her either, though. I nag him to call her about once a month (she rarely answers and doesn't return his calls). I think after a decade of being ignored, he is done. I had always hoped that one day she would come around and be an involved grandparent, but now it's too late. My teens don't feel any connection with her. My youngest really doesn't know her at all.

I wish I had your MIL

[Anonymous]

I would be hurt if my MIL helped everyone but us. I get that it's her money and she can do what she likes, but it just seems wrong to help one child and not another (unless there is a reason like one is a drug addict and you don't want to support their poor choices or something). Just learn from her poor parenting and never treat your children the same way. Unfortunately, there is nothing else you can do. Personally, I'd cut her out of my life and move on, but you have to make your own choices.

[Anonymous]

No one is saying OP shouldn't feel hurt, it's totally understandable. The point is there is nothing she can do about it so don't waist energy. It's clear MIL is not a fan of babies/children. Maybe she will change when your child is older. Also, how do you know she pays for the other children?

[Anonymous]

Just be thankful to not have to spend time with her. You would be complaining more if she was staying for a week and planned one thing a day to do with the kid.

My ILS said "why would we drive all that way to watch a school play " when we suggested they coordinate their next visit with the event. Not how I would respond and not how my family does things, but ok, fine, fewer people for me to coordinate and take out to dinner that weekend.

As for the money...no way, no how do you get a say. At ALL. You're making your self look like the jerk by writing that. She owes you absolutely nothing. You don't like her, but you want her money? Wow, no.