My MIL sucks- should I even care?
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Anonymous
| My MIL sucks. She is very self centered and really doesn't appear to care much for my husband or our family. My child is 3 and since he has been born she has spent maybe 4 hours total with him well maybe 6 hours, sorry. She is extremely wealthy like multi multi millionaire from a family business her parents and grandparents were in and she has never worked a day in her life. My husband was raised with drivers and nannys and she was extremely hands off. She lives a wonderful carefree life of travel and high society galas etc. she does not give us a DIME and even as my husband and I were transitioning careers and my husband asked for a loan, she refused and made him feel like a total irresponsible loser. She has never given our son anything but 3 outfits. She knows that we struggle financially and has never offered to assist with my son's school tuition but will write the school a donation/ check as his Christmas gift. Hence the tax write off she gets for his "gift". It's lovely that she gave to the school but if she gave it to the school for his tuition it would certainly help us tremendously but there is no tax write off in that. When she comes to visit she barely sees me or my son just my husband. It's apparent she doesn't care for me or my, as she says, unruly toddler. My son is very active and I think she doesn't know how to react to him. She is coming to DC to visit and her itinerary is - arrive Friday afternoon and have coffee/ alone time with my husband, dinner at 9pm with me and my husband. Saturday- brunch with my husband then back to our apt for an hour with my son. Then her and my husband will to go the African American museum and then dinner and the symphony with a friend. Sunday she leaves early in the morning and we will not see her. I told my husband before I knew of her itinerary that maybe we would go to a museum w a children's exhibit included or to the Baltimore Science Center since my son loves going. She has no interest in going to do children's activities according to my husband. I'm sad for my son as he has no idea who she is when we show him photos. She isn't kind when she's here and often insults me or makes snide remarks. I don't care for her at all but just feel sad for my son and my husband who feels bad she has no interest in her grandson. Should I really care or be thankful I don't have to spend a lot of time with her? |
Anonymous
| Meh, at least she doesn't come and stay for a week. You didn't marry her, be grateful she stays out of your life. Oh and the money thing, it's her money she doesn't have to give you any. |
Anonymous
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Well, you should care, but then you should accept it and move on. Appreciate her for what she can/does give.
My DH's father is the same way - a perpetual disappointment. It's not even that he sets up expectations, just that being a grandfather carries expectations that he in no way meets. We learned to stop expecting, at the same time we don't feel obligated to him in terms of visits/calls/gifts. He doesn't care about us, we don't care about him. It is what it is. |
Anonymous
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Have you posted before? This sounds familiar.
You need to figure out how to let go of this OP. Your husband needs you as a support for him. Being resentful takes away from being that support. |
Anonymous
| Agree that you should acknowledge that at least she isn't a leech on your time and emotional well being. A lot of crazy in-laws can be destructive, not just distant. |
Anonymous
| Take the 'MIL is rich' out of this and would you really question your feelings? For your DH - his nannies and drivers employer is coming for a visit (since you are saying they raised him) - so take that level of emotional expectation to all interactions. You have no rights to her decisions as to how she spends her money and though you'd love assistance with tuition - your family probably does benefit from her donations whether you know it or not. You can feel sad that she has decided to continue her life of emotional detachment but expecting her to be closer to your son than she was with her own is silly. |
Anonymous
+1. I'd trade with you in a heartbeat. |
Anonymous
This! Mine Ismail completely overbearing. Want to trade? She's just not that into you. You can't change her. Just move on! |
Anonymous
OP here and I agree. I really do need to let it go. I should be thankful she is no leach and I see her once a year. I don't know why I even care to be honest. |
Anonymous
| Another post today about a SIL mooching money from her MIL. Maybe your MIL is smart. Her money isn't yours. |
Anonymous
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A: paragraphs, please!
B: maybe private school is something you should cut since you struggle financially C: it's her money, she doesn't have to give you a dime |
Anonymous
I am resentful for a lot of reasons and certainly not spending time with my son tops the list. I'd be lying if I said the money stuff didn't bother me. I wish it didn't but it does. She donated a playground in the name of my niece and pays her tuition as well as my nephews and the parents are very well off. She also supports my brother in law and his family and bought them a cute house. She openly admits that she treats her children differently. But seriously I know - I need to get over it! PP whose FIL was similar how did you get over it? |
Anonymous
1. Sorry for the big blob of a story. I'm typing on my phone. Seriously though sorry 2. My son has severe developmental and physical delays and goes to a special school. I wish we didn't need private or all the therapies but we do. What we spend in treatment and therapies for our son on top of school is pretty steep and we pray he improves and we are able to decrease them but for now the special school is so important. 3. I totally agree it's her money and she can do what she wants with it. I'm just resentful is all. Trust me I think it's time I got over it. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like the real issue is you expect her to support your lifestyle when she will not. She is under no obligation to help and given who she is why would you even ask. My mom is similar and we live close and she rarely sees our child, hardly buys him anything and would never ever think about giving us a dime for our child's therapies. I don't understand why a 3 year old is at a expensive special school - if you cannot afford it, do the public program. There are universities that have lower cost therapies if your insurance doesn't cover them. Many of us have SN kids and would never ever go to our families, who don't care and are uncomfortable with it for help. Would help be nice? Sure, but its not going to happen. |
Anonymous
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Ok, she is not ideal if you were hoping for a warm grandparent, but I would not say she sucks. She has her own life, she values her time, and a lot of grandparents suck a ton dealing with younger kids. Hopefully she will be more involved as your child gets older.
But, her money is hers. She has no obligation to help ypu out. Sure it would be nice, but it is her money. |