Different financial circumstances and exes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I hate to say it, but you're in the wrong here. First, I would cool it about the money differences. Be careful because a friend was in this situation and her ex was able to adjust child support so SHE had to pay him instead of vice versa.

Second, cool it with the stepmother bashing. You guys are, in fact, all in this together. Instead of focusing on the source of the problem, why don't you work with your ex to make your son feel more welcome by dropping the money talk, etc. It's no one's business WHAT you do with your time with him, but he does need to realize that he has two homes and two parents and should be able to feel welcome at each home. Instead of shutting down the discussion, reframe it this way. It will be more productive.

Oh, if he pulls that on me, he knows I will drag him through so much hell, he won't know what hit him. He's the one who left me with a mortgage, car payments, and HIS credit card debts. He hasn't contributed a dime to his son's college fund in years. So he knows better. My lawyers are way better than him.

The only reason why I agreed to that sum of CS was because I wanted him out of my hair

It doesn't matter what hell or lawyers you sic on him. If your lifestyles are materially different due to an earning difference, then yes, you could be on the hook for support. And if you make it messy, you will likely have to pay both sides attorneys fees. That's what happened to my friend (pp here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I hate to say it, but you're in the wrong here. First, I would cool it about the money differences. Be careful because a friend was in this situation and her ex was able to adjust child support so SHE had to pay him instead of vice versa.

Second, cool it with the stepmother bashing. You guys are, in fact, all in this together. Instead of focusing on the source of the problem, why don't you work with your ex to make your son feel more welcome by dropping the money talk, etc. It's no one's business WHAT you do with your time with him, but he does need to realize that he has two homes and two parents and should be able to feel welcome at each home. Instead of shutting down the discussion, reframe it this way. It will be more productive.

Oh, if he pulls that on me, he knows I will drag him through so much hell, he won't know what hit him. He's the one who left me with a mortgage, car payments, and HIS credit card debts. He hasn't contributed a dime to his son's college fund in years. So he knows better. My lawyers are way better than him.

The only reason why I agreed to that sum of CS was because I wanted him out of my hair

It doesn't matter what hell or lawyers you sic on him. If your lifestyles are materially different due to an earning difference, then yes, you could be on the hook for support. And if you make it messy, you will likely have to pay both sides attorneys fees. That's what happened to my friend (pp here).

It sounds like OP has primary custody. There would have to be a massive differential in earnings for him to owe her money and he would have to be providing the insurance for her to owe him money.

[Anonymous]

The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

Be careful there, OP. That's exactly how my friend ended up paying her ex child support. The point of child support is to keep the child in a consistent living standard between the parents to the extent the other parent is deemed to have the means to do so (which is based upon a calculator). I don't know your financial picture, OP, but if you are doing as well as you say, I would not be surprised if you find yourself making payments to your ex to support your son while he's in your ex's care. My friend was shocked when her ex sought a modification of the parenting agreement (she was getting a small amount of support). Her ex only wanted to end the support. The judge looked at the finances and realized he was entitled to support, asked him if he wanted it (he did) and boom done. She pays about 500 bucks a month for the privilege.

Oh and she tried to fight it through lawyers. Didn't work. 5K in fees and she ended up having to pay his attorney's fees too (another 3K).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

Be careful there, OP. That's exactly how my friend ended up paying her ex child support. The point of child support is to keep the child in a consistent living standard between the parents to the extent the other parent is deemed to have the means to do so (which is based upon a calculator). I don't know your financial picture, OP, but if you are doing as well as you say, I would not be surprised if you find yourself making payments to your ex to support your son while he's in your ex's care. My friend was shocked when her ex sought a modification of the parenting agreement (she was getting a small amount of support). Her ex only wanted to end the support. The judge looked at the finances and realized he was entitled to support, asked him if he wanted it (he did) and boom done. She pays about 500 bucks a month for the privilege.

Oh and she tried to fight it through lawyers. Didn't work. 5K in fees and she ended up having to pay his attorney's fees too (another 3K).

Agreed, OP, you sound like a loose cannon. Regardless of whether step-mom stays home or not, you may be on the hook for child support based on your high salary. So cool down.

You sound enormously judgmental about her being a SAHM. Does she have the same education level as you do and the same high-salary prospects? They have three kids and you only have one, so their life is much more complicated than yours is in terms of pickups, activities, etc. Many families make the choice to have a parent stay home because the small salary they would draw would not make up for child care, summer camps, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

If he is working, he isn't going to get alimony. She sounds nuts but you've got to work around her. My husband's ex took him to court right after we got married for an increase in alimony and child support based off of the household income (i.e. mine). The judge removed all but one of the kids from child support as both were over 18 and it should have stopped and removed her from allimony as it was scheduled to end a few years before. So, they increased for one kid but it was far less than what he had voluntarily continued to give her to be decent. Its all by formulas.

I would not let him drop CS. If you don't need the money put it in a college fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a good opportunity to talk about how people make different choices with their money, but don't always own their choices. Your son has nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Maybe teach him to brush off the remarks with a "yeah, yeah, but I can still kick your butt at Call of Duty" (or whatever.)

I am a single mom, but I have more money than my brother and his wife. She chose to pursue a degree that wasn't marketable, took time off to stay home with kids and then became a school lunch lady. Occasionally I've gotten the casual remarks about how they don't have enough money to do this or that. My SIL thinks our whole family is rich so she's always trying to get people (my dad, my other BIL) to pay for stuff for them. But if she had made the sacrifices to have a career, they'd have more money.

You need to talk to your ex - this is really not cool - they are clearly talking to their kids about something that should really just be an adult thing. But I do have one question - does he pay child support? Is he trying to set up a situation where he reduces support because they are "struggling" and you are fine?

OP here. Yes, he pays child support. It is not much, really, to be honest, but it covers 2 out of 4 of DS' extracurriculars. ex-DH and I have the same education, we met in college, we have exactly the same degrees, so it's not like he can't make more money. His wife is an SAHM, it was their decision. Her ex-DH is out of the picture and doesn't pay child support so my son's father is basically taking care of kids that are not his own. I understand it puts a strain on him but then again, it is not my business. He chose to be married to an SAHM, he chose to stay at the same job for years and not seek employment with a higher salary. It is not my fault that I can afford to take my DS to Disney World and he can't. What does he and his wife propose I do? Take his kids too just because they don't have the money?

I e-mailed ex-DH this morning saying that the "rich kid" jokes ought to stop at once. His reply was "DS is too sensitive. But you have to admit, you are spoiling him. Does he really need to go somewhere fancy for spring break? Whatever happened to staying home and just relaxing?" His stepkids' idea of "relaxing at home" is playing video games non-stop! They are frequently surprised that DS has a book in his hands instead of an iPad. So yes, I'd rather "spoil" him with a vacation instead of having him in front of a computer for a week or two.

Your husband is such an ass. I don't have a lot of money, but I don't believe that there is anything wrong with enjoying luxuries if you can afford them. Fancy trips and toys in and of themselves do not spoil a child. It's also such a classic jerk move to hurt someone's feelings and then tell them they are too sensitive. Plus, your son is a child who does not control the family finances.

If I were you, and if you can possibly afford it, I would stop accepting child support from him. Then, you can shut down any and all mentions of money like a broken record.

Her ex is an ass, but child support is his responsibility. I would stop with the gifts too and make sure that your son knows not to discuss your trips with his siblings during visits.

[Anonymous]

OP, did your ex leave you for this woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did your ex leave you for this woman?

No, we were divorced for almost 2 years when he met her. She wasn't "the other woman."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

If he is working, he isn't going to get alimony. She sounds nuts but you've got to work around her. My husband's ex took him to court right after we got married for an increase in alimony and child support based off of the household income (i.e. mine). The judge removed all but one of the kids from child support as both were over 18 and it should have stopped and removed her from allimony as it was scheduled to end a few years before. So, they increased for one kid but it was far less than what he had voluntarily continued to give her to be decent. Its all by formulas.
I would not let him drop CS. If you don't need the money put it in a college fund.

It's not the alimony that's the issue; it's the OP's big mouth could open her up to paying child support if her ex wises up and figures out that she is making way more than him. If it's a wash, then it's a wash, but I don't know her finances beyond her bragging about how much more money she has than her ex (which is weird frankly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

If he is working, he isn't going to get alimony. She sounds nuts but you've got to work around her. My husband's ex took him to court right after we got married for an increase in alimony and child support based off of the household income (i.e. mine). The judge removed all but one of the kids from child support as both were over 18 and it should have stopped and removed her from allimony as it was scheduled to end a few years before. So, they increased for one kid but it was far less than what he had voluntarily continued to give her to be decent. Its all by formulas.
I would not let him drop CS. If you don't need the money put it in a college fund.

It's not the alimony that's the issue; it's the OP's big mouth could open her up to paying child support if her ex wises up and figures out that she is making way more than him. If it's a wash, then it's a wash, but I don't know her finances beyond her bragging about how much more money she has than her ex (which is weird frankly).

NP here but it sounds like they make significantly more because OP has a dual income household. They started off in similar careers so I doubt her salary skyrocketed that much higher than his. However, it's easy to have a lot more money available when you have two incomes vs. one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The new wife brought children from a previous marriage. Not that we care, but it appears she does not receive child support for them. Then, did your EX DH have more children with her? You did the right thing by not engaging with the new wife and her vicious emails. Think how pleasant that house is. It seems obvious that their life in crumbling. Try to stay out of the fray.

From what I know, the father is out of the picture and there's no child support there. They have a child together, that's when she decided to stay home. Now the child is at school and she's still home.

ex-DH is fully aware of what's going on. He tried suggesting that DS "suck it up, we are all a family" but I chewed him out. I also found out from ex-ILs that allegedly the stepmom suggested years ago he sue ME for alimony because I had a good and stable job and "it's just not fair to everyone. She has 1 kid and WE have 3." He squashed that idea.

I did offer him to drop CS altogether if he's struggling. He said "I'll take it under consideration", meaning he will discuss it with his wife. I've already called my lawyers to be prepared. I am not taking any chances, I will not be taken advantage of.

If he is working, he isn't going to get alimony. She sounds nuts but you've got to work around her. My husband's ex took him to court right after we got married for an increase in alimony and child support based off of the household income (i.e. mine). The judge removed all but one of the kids from child support as both were over 18 and it should have stopped and removed her from allimony as it was scheduled to end a few years before. So, they increased for one kid but it was far less than what he had voluntarily continued to give her to be decent. Its all by formulas.
I would not let him drop CS. If you don't need the money put it in a college fund.

It's not the alimony that's the issue; it's the OP's big mouth could open her up to paying child support if her ex wises up and figures out that she is making way more than him. If it's a wash, then it's a wash, but I don't know her finances beyond her bragging about how much more money she has than her ex (which is weird frankly).

No, it's not weird. She only has 1 child to support on one income. The child, I assume, goes to a public school so she doesn't have to cash out for daycare and private school. He, on the other hand, has 3 kids in his 2nd marriage to support full-time, plus his child from his first marriage. He's spread thin and the OP isn't.

Also, we don't know if the OP is from a rich family herself or has a trust fund. I too have 1 child and a solid job but I certainly can't afford a lot of luxuries.

[Anonymous]

PP, he doesn't *have* to support three kids full-time. He isn't supposed to support other people's kids at all. He isn't spread thin. He spread himself thin. He doesn't get to be a victim, and he doesn't get to escape his responsibility to his child because he decided to support two others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, he doesn't *have* to support three kids full-time. He isn't supposed to support other people's kids at all. He isn't spread thin. He spread himself thin. He doesn't get to be a victim, and he doesn't get to escape his responsibility to his child because he decided to support two others.

How do you propose he do that? "I will only buy clothes and food for my natural kids and not yours?"