Different financial circumstances and exes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

His father doesn't have his back. I'd tell the kid he doesn't have to go anymore until he and his father can sit down and talk and establish that dad does have his back instead of letting his step kids bully his son.

I agree with this advice. I don't make a lot of money but I don't begrudge people who do and take nice vacations. Your Ex DH is seriously out of line.

I don't think it's ex-DH who's at fault here. It's clearly the stepmom who put some venom into her children. I think she's jealous the ex-wife is doing much better than her in life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd work on removing CS from the picture altogether. This way your DS won't be obligated to spend time with people who clearly disrespect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd work on removing CS from the picture altogether. This way your DS won't be obligated to spend time with people who clearly disrespect him.

Child support and visitation are two different issues. Regardless of child support, he is entitled to visits in less mom can find a way to block them. Mom is not trying to block them. Dumb comments are not enough to block visits. At best both parties waste a lot of money fighting over nothing, mom getting a court order for dad's family to stop saying those things and they may or may not comply. You hurt the child by taking away the Dad. My husband's kids are really screwed up over the games his ex played while they were growing up. He paid child support but refused visits (yes, he went to court several times over it and just gave more visits but never enforced them). Mom told the kids he was a deadbeat and didn't want to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

His father doesn't have his back. I'd tell the kid he doesn't have to go anymore until he and his father can sit down and talk and establish that dad does have his back instead of letting his step kids bully his son.

I agree with this advice. I don't make a lot of money but I don't begrudge people who do and take nice vacations. Your Ex DH is seriously out of line.

I don't think it's ex-DH who's at fault here. It's clearly the stepmom who put some venom into her children. I think she's jealous the ex-wife is doing much better than her in life.

But exDH as the boy's father should not allow this toxic environment.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to reply, "Yes, my mom works hard to give me these things".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Guys, I don't denigrate ex-DH and his wife to my DS. I teach him to be respectful, I encourage him to have a relationship with his father and his new siblings. I don't discuss their finances or my finances with DS; he can see for himself that both of our households are different. He is friends with kids from various backgrounds, he's not sheltered. But no one but his stepsiblings and his stepmom calls him "our little rich boy." It's like they are blaming him for growing up in a stable home. I didn't steal that money, I didn't inherit it, I earned it fair and square. By making fun of him and calling him "spoiled", they are also questioning me as a parent. Yes, I think I made better choices in life than ex-DH and his new wife. But I kept my mouth shut because he's DS father and I was brought up to respect my parents. They are crossing the line.

You did the right thing by emailing the ex. The only thing you can do is go to court and get it court ordered but he's not going to follow the order so you are wasting your money. Just remember there is a reason why he is your ex. Just teach your son to ignore them when they make comments. Or, say, Yes, I'm very proud of how well my mom has done. She works really hard. I appreciate everything she does for me. Stop with the gifts. Its nice of you but stop.

This. Teach your son to take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

His father doesn't have his back. I'd tell the kid he doesn't have to go anymore until he and his father can sit down and talk and establish that dad does have his back instead of letting his step kids bully his son.

I agree with this advice. I don't make a lot of money but I don't begrudge people who do and take nice vacations. Your Ex DH is seriously out of line.

I don't think it's ex-DH who's at fault here. It's clearly the stepmom who put some venom into her children. I think she's jealous the ex-wife is doing much better than her in life.

Yes, but it is the father's fault if he is aware of the venom and does nothing to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd work on removing CS from the picture altogether. This way your DS won't be obligated to spend time with people who clearly disrespect him.

Child support and visitation are two different issues. Regardless of child support, he is entitled to visits in less mom can find a way to block them. Mom is not trying to block them. Dumb comments are not enough to block visits. At best both parties waste a lot of money fighting over nothing, mom getting a court order for dad's family to stop saying those things and they may or may not comply. You hurt the child by taking away the Dad. My husband's kids are really screwed up over the games his ex played while they were growing up. He paid child support but refused visits (yes, he went to court several times over it and just gave more visits but never enforced them). Mom told the kids he was a deadbeat and didn't want to see them.

Yes, but, at a certain age, wouldn't the Court take the wishes of the child into consideration? If the child tells the court that he doesn't want overnights at his dad's anymore because of the behavior of step family, would the judge take that into consideration?

They can have lunch, go to a game, watch football in a restaurant.... DS doesn't necessarily need to be sleeping at dad's house and doesn't necessarily need to be spending time with stepmom and her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd work on removing CS from the picture altogether. This way your DS won't be obligated to spend time with people who clearly disrespect him.

Child support and visitation are two different issues. Regardless of child support, he is entitled to visits in less mom can find a way to block them. Mom is not trying to block them. Dumb comments are not enough to block visits. At best both parties waste a lot of money fighting over nothing, mom getting a court order for dad's family to stop saying those things and they may or may not comply. You hurt the child by taking away the Dad. My husband's kids are really screwed up over the games his ex played while they were growing up. He paid child support but refused visits (yes, he went to court several times over it and just gave more visits but never enforced them). Mom told the kids he was a deadbeat and didn't want to see them.

Yes, but, at a certain age, wouldn't the Court take the wishes of the child into consideration? If the child tells the court that he doesn't want overnights at his dad's anymore because of the behavior of step family, would the judge take that into consideration?

They can have lunch, go to a game, watch football in a restaurant.... DS doesn't necessarily need to be sleeping at dad's house and doesn't necessarily need to be spending time with stepmom and her kids.

Yes, but as a parent, I would do everything within my power to not put my child in the position of having to say those things about his father in court. I'm not the OP, btw. I think her ex is a bad parent for the way he treats OP's son/allows him to be treated, but that's huge burden to put on a 12-year-old and if it was my 12-year-old, I'd want to protect him from the court experience.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The drama has escalated in the past few days. DS decided not to go to his Dad's house for NYE and apparently, the stepmom got all offended. She e-mailed me and btw, this was the first time ever in years this woman contacted me. She aired out her grievances, saying she tried to make DS feel welcome at their home and that by not showing up, he's snubbing his father's family. I responded to her very long e-mail with the following: "Thank you for bringing this to my attention. DS' father and I will deal with the situation ourselves."

She got all bothered by then and kept sending me e-mails, such as "it takes a village to raise a child." I forwarded all her stuff to my ex and asked him to straighten out his woman. It is not her right to tell me how I should raise my child, how I should make him "more humble" ("your DS is a very proud young man, you will have a lot of problems on your hands.")

ex-DH keeps texting me that there's a lot more going on, not just DS not showing up on NYE. He wants to tell me more but thank God he keeps it to himself for now. I don't want and don't need to know issues in his new family, not my place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The drama has escalated in the past few days. DS decided not to go to his Dad's house for NYE and apparently, the stepmom got all offended. She e-mailed me and btw, this was the first time ever in years this woman contacted me. She aired out her grievances, saying she tried to make DS feel welcome at their home and that by not showing up, he's snubbing his father's family. I responded to her very long e-mail with the following: "Thank you for bringing this to my attention. DS' father and I will deal with the situation ourselves."

She got all bothered by then and kept sending me e-mails, such as "it takes a village to raise a child." I forwarded all her stuff to my ex and asked him to straighten out his woman. It is not her right to tell me how I should raise my child, how I should make him "more humble" ("your DS is a very proud young man, you will have a lot of problems on your hands.")

ex-DH keeps texting me that there's a lot more going on, not just DS not showing up on NYE. He wants to tell me more but thank God he keeps it to himself for now. I don't want and don't need to know issues in his new family, not my place.

I would hear him out this once about what the "more" is because I think it will help you contextualize things for your son. If it's a repeat of the same "DS is too sensitive, DS is very proud" you can just ignore it and chalk it up as an hour of your life you'll never get back, but it sounded to me like there IS a lot more going on. While I know that you don't particularly care, it's part of your son's life, and I think the responsible thing to do is understand the situation (or the way your ex sees the situation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH is now married to a woman who chose be a SAHM. Money is tight in that family, they are coupon clipping. I, on the other hand, have a well-paying job and only 1 kid to support, therefore, I am able to afford certain "luxuries" for just the two of us. This includes trips around the world, clothes that are not from Walmart, good quality toys, extracurricular activities.

Last night DS got home from his Dad's house all upset. He said his stepsiblings kept calling him "rich boy" and his stepmother said a couple times "well, I know OUR Christmas gifts are not to your liking since your mom spoils you and get you all this expensive stuff." DS is a kind and generous boy. Every time we go on vacation, he insists we buy gifts for his stepsiblings and his stepmom. He has never come to their house empty handed, may it be a pie or a toy for their little one. They are clearly jealous, and yes, I know how childish it sounds.
DS and I live in our own home, ex-DH and his family rent a house because they can't afford mortgage. But it was THEIR choice! Her kids are now in school, if she wanted to bring an extra income, she could find a job. I just always thought that our finances were none of her business.

WWYD?

Before you go patting your own back too much, bet you get child support right?

New PP. I hope she gets child support. Why shouldn't she. Tough toodles about ex's 2nd family. They made their choices. Also, both his father and stepmother are horrible for allowing this kind of bullying!

[Anonymous]

OP. I hate to say it, but you're in the wrong here. First, I would cool it about the money differences. Be careful because a friend was in this situation and her ex was able to adjust child support so SHE had to pay him instead of vice versa.

Second, cool it with the stepmother bashing. You guys are, in fact, all in this together. Instead of focusing on the source of the problem, why don't you work with your ex to make your son feel more welcome by dropping the money talk, etc. It's no one's business WHAT you do with your time with him, but he does need to realize that he has two homes and two parents and should be able to feel welcome at each home. Instead of shutting down the discussion, reframe it this way. It will be more productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-DH is now married to a woman who chose be a SAHM. Money is tight in that family, they are coupon clipping. I, on the other hand, have a well-paying job and only 1 kid to support, therefore, I am able to afford certain "luxuries" for just the two of us. This includes trips around the world, clothes that are not from Walmart, good quality toys, extracurricular activities.

Last night DS got home from his Dad's house all upset. He said his stepsiblings kept calling him "rich boy" and his stepmother said a couple times "well, I know OUR Christmas gifts are not to your liking since your mom spoils you and get you all this expensive stuff." DS is a kind and generous boy. Every time we go on vacation, he insists we buy gifts for his stepsiblings and his stepmom. He has never come to their house empty handed, may it be a pie or a toy for their little one. They are clearly jealous, and yes, I know how childish it sounds.
DS and I live in our own home, ex-DH and his family rent a house because they can't afford mortgage. But it was THEIR choice! Her kids are now in school, if she wanted to bring an extra income, she could find a job. I just always thought that our finances were none of her business.

WWYD?

Before you go patting your own back too much, bet you get child support right?

New PP. I hope she gets child support. Why shouldn't she. Tough toodles about ex's 2nd family. They made their choices. Also, both his father and stepmother are horrible for allowing this kind of bullying!

OP here. Yes, I get child support. It is so abysmal, it's actually a joke. We are perfectly fine without it. In fact, I've been meaning to ask him to drop CS altogether. Those few hundred dollars do nothing for us but can do a lot for his new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I hate to say it, but you're in the wrong here. First, I would cool it about the money differences. Be careful because a friend was in this situation and her ex was able to adjust child support so SHE had to pay him instead of vice versa.

Second, cool it with the stepmother bashing. You guys are, in fact, all in this together. Instead of focusing on the source of the problem, why don't you work with your ex to make your son feel more welcome by dropping the money talk, etc. It's no one's business WHAT you do with your time with him, but he does need to realize that he has two homes and two parents and should be able to feel welcome at each home. Instead of shutting down the discussion, reframe it this way. It will be more productive.

Oh, if he pulls that on me, he knows I will drag him through so much hell, he won't know what hit him. He's the one who left me with a mortgage, car payments, and HIS credit card debts. He hasn't contributed a dime to his son's college fund in years. So he knows better. My lawyers are way better than him.

The only reason why I agreed to that sum of CS was because I wanted him out of my hair