Different financial circumstances and exes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Resurrecting this thread. Things have become far worse. DS insists he doesn't want to go to his father's house, his father is refusing to meet with him anywhere but there. DS asked me to pull the plug. He's 12 years old, he can make up his mind. Ex-DH threatened to call the cops if DS doesn't come to his house and have them physically bring DS there. The lawyers are involved.

Child knows you don't want the visits and is trying to side with you. He is 12, no he cannot make up his own mind. Can he choose to go to school? Can he choose to go to the doctor? No. Step up and be a parent and tell him you expect him to comply with the visits. Cops will not bring child there but he can file in court and make things very difficult and expensive for you.

At 12, children have significant say in court about spending time with parents. If there is documentation of unwelcoming atmosphere for biochild in dad's house, it is unlikely courts will force visitation. Dad will have to spend funds to file to enforce visitation. Thag seems unlikely if miney is tight. Alsk Dad will jot be seen as angel in picture if he is seen to be spurning compromises offered to enable continued visitation.

Actually mom has to prove abuse or neglect. Dad and stepmom are annoying. Both mom and dad will have a custody battle. When my husband's ex did this to him, the judge actually gave him more, not less time. It really depends on the judge. At 12, kids can have a say but parents also have the right to visitation. This sounds like a mom set up situation.

OP doesn't need to go back to court to do anything; she already has custody. If she documents that she has tried to convince son to go to Dad's, tried to offer mutually acceptable alternatives that dad has rejwcted, and if kid documents behavior of stepkids/mom, etc., bioMom and kid will likely be protected in court should dad decide to try and bring an enforcement action for visitation. Judges recognize that a parent can't pick up a 12 year old and force them into the car. Judges also don't take kindly to parents bringing actions in court when compromises have been offered and rejected outside court; it's a waste of court time.

BTW, my 12 y.o. is 5'5" and 135lbs. I am not physically able to make him do anything he doesn't want to. My DD is 16. I could pick her up and carry her to the car to visit her dad, but I am not going to wreck my relationship with her to make up for mistakes he has made in his relationship with her. At this age, the respect and obediance of a child has been earned over the course of the parent child relationship. My kids do what I tell them because they trust me and know that I will not ask them to do things that are not in their best interests. My exDH has earned the relationship he has with them. It is not my job to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Resurrecting this thread. Things have become far worse. DS insists he doesn't want to go to his father's house, his father is refusing to meet with him anywhere but there. DS asked me to pull the plug. He's 12 years old, he can make up his mind. Ex-DH threatened to call the cops if DS doesn't come to his house and have them physically bring DS there. The lawyers are involved.

Child knows you don't want the visits and is trying to side with you. He is 12, no he cannot make up his own mind. Can he choose to go to school? Can he choose to go to the doctor? No. Step up and be a parent and tell him you expect him to comply with the visits. Cops will not bring child there but he can file in court and make things very difficult and expensive for you.

At 12, children have significant say in court about spending time with parents. If there is documentation of unwelcoming atmosphere for biochild in dad's house, it is unlikely courts will force visitation. Dad will have to spend funds to file to enforce visitation. Thag seems unlikely if miney is tight. Alsk Dad will jot be seen as angel in picture if he is seen to be spurning compromises offered to enable continued visitation.

Actually mom has to prove abuse or neglect. Dad and stepmom are annoying. Both mom and dad will have a custody battle. When my husband's ex did this to him, the judge actually gave him more, not less time. It really depends on the judge. At 12, kids can have a say but parents also have the right to visitation. This sounds like a mom set up situation.

OP doesn't need to go back to court to do anything; she already has custody. If she documents that she has tried to convince son to go to Dad's, tried to offer mutually acceptable alternatives that dad has rejwcted, and if kid documents behavior of stepkids/mom, etc., bioMom and kid will likely be protected in court should dad decide to try and bring an enforcement action for visitation. Judges recognize that a parent can't pick up a 12 year old and force them into the car. Judges also don't take kindly to parents bringing actions in court when compromises have been offered and rejected outside court; it's a waste of court time.

BTW, my 12 y.o. is 5'5" and 135lbs. I am not physically able to make him do anything he doesn't want to. My DD is 16. I could pick her up and carry her to the car to visit her dad, but I am not going to wreck my relationship with her to make up for mistakes he has made in his relationship with her. At this age, the respect and obediance of a child has been earned over the course of the parent child relationship. My kids do what I tell them because they trust me and know that I will not ask them to do things that are not in their best interests. My exDH has earned the relationship he has with them. It is not my job to fix it.

You are missing the point completely. Mom does not want the visitation and is setting the child up. At 12, my husband's ex tried this non-sense. She took him to court for more child support and ended up getting much less and alimony removed. She also had to pay more for the plane tickets. Judge had no sympathy for her creating a disconnect. If your child does not want to go to school, is that ok? Of course not. You give the child consequence. You will really screw up your kids by not allowing a relationship with the other parent... my husband's kids are proof of that. 2/3 don't talk to mom and none have done much with their lives. Its really sad.

[Anonymous]

I really don't know where PP is getting that Mom doesn't want the visitation at all. Mom doesn't want her ex's new wife to be a jerk to her kid. Mom disagrees with ex about the nature of the problem.

What I see is a kid who doesn't feel welcome, who communicated that to his mom, and she said, "Fine, you don't have to go, let's try something else" only to have Dad reject the compromise.

This isn't the reality of divorce. This is the reality of BAD divorce and poor parenting - on the ex's part. He is either unable to protect his son from his other children, or else he thinks it's acceptable to bully his son for where his mom takes him on vacation. Neither says anything good about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Resurrecting this thread. Things have become far worse. DS insists he doesn't want to go to his father's house, his father is refusing to meet with him anywhere but there. DS asked me to pull the plug. He's 12 years old, he can make up his mind. Ex-DH threatened to call the cops if DS doesn't come to his house and have them physically bring DS there. The lawyers are involved.

Child knows you don't want the visits and is trying to side with you. He is 12, no he cannot make up his own mind. Can he choose to go to school? Can he choose to go to the doctor? No. Step up and be a parent and tell him you expect him to comply with the visits. Cops will not bring child there but he can file in court and make things very difficult and expensive for you.

At 12, children have significant say in court about spending time with parents. If there is documentation of unwelcoming atmosphere for biochild in dad's house, it is unlikely courts will force visitation. Dad will have to spend funds to file to enforce visitation. Thag seems unlikely if miney is tight. Alsk Dad will jot be seen as angel in picture if he is seen to be spurning compromises offered to enable continued visitation.

Actually mom has to prove abuse or neglect. Dad and stepmom are annoying. Both mom and dad will have a custody battle. When my husband's ex did this to him, the judge actually gave him more, not less time. It really depends on the judge. At 12, kids can have a say but parents also have the right to visitation. This sounds like a mom set up situation.

OP doesn't need to go back to court to do anything; she already has custody. If she documents that she has tried to convince son to go to Dad's, tried to offer mutually acceptable alternatives that dad has rejwcted, and if kid documents behavior of stepkids/mom, etc., bioMom and kid will likely be protected in court should dad decide to try and bring an enforcement action for visitation. Judges recognize that a parent can't pick up a 12 year old and force them into the car. Judges also don't take kindly to parents bringing actions in court when compromises have been offered and rejected outside court; it's a waste of court time.

BTW, my 12 y.o. is 5'5" and 135lbs. I am not physically able to make him do anything he doesn't want to. My DD is 16. I could pick her up and carry her to the car to visit her dad, but I am not going to wreck my relationship with her to make up for mistakes he has made in his relationship with her. At this age, the respect and obediance of a child has been earned over the course of the parent child relationship. My kids do what I tell them because they trust me and know that I will not ask them to do things that are not in their best interests. My exDH has earned the relationship he has with them. It is not my job to fix it.

You are missing the point completely. Mom does not want the visitation and is setting the child up. At 12, my husband's ex tried this non-sense. She took him to court for more child support and ended up getting much less and alimony removed. She also had to pay more for the plane tickets. Judge had no sympathy for her creating a disconnect. If your child does not want to go to school, is that ok? Of course not. You give the child consequence. You will really screw up your kids by not allowing a relationship with the other parent... my husband's kids are proof of that. 2/3 don't talk to mom and none have done much with their lives. Its really sad.

You obviously have your own issues. OP isn't talking about asking for MORE child support - she was at one point talking about accepting LESS. You really screw up your child by not taking their preferences into account when making decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Resurrecting this thread. Things have become far worse. DS insists he doesn't want to go to his father's house, his father is refusing to meet with him anywhere but there. DS asked me to pull the plug. He's 12 years old, he can make up his mind. Ex-DH threatened to call the cops if DS doesn't come to his house and have them physically bring DS there. The lawyers are involved.

Wow, your ex is a idiot. He should be using good psychology and offer to take him to dinner or something the kid would be interested in. Just those two. Often these poor kids don't want to go to the visiting home if there are steps there that steal away their time with that parent. I see this all too often. At 12 it becomes difficult to force them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't the new wife's XH paying for support for their kids? And why isn't she working?

OP here. They decided that she would stay home with the kids. As far as her ex, all I know he's not in the picture, she has full custody. She used to be a teacher's aide in her previous life.

Again, why they decided she stay at home is not my problem. My problem is that she and her offspring decided to take out their jealousy on my innocent kid. He still doesn't want to go there. It has really escalated. He asked me to sign him up for camps just so that he doesn't have to go to their house and interact with them. He's old enough to make up his mind.

I just don't understand how the step mom let those kids get away with saying that to your son. And her nasty comment to boot. Honestly, I would be livid. Sign him up, anywhere but there and if he doesn't want to go back don't make him! I'm sure you talked to your son. I can only suggest talking to your ex and plan the visits to include just he and your son. Meet for dinner, or something they enjoy together. That would be the only compromise after that incident.

I'm thinking this has been going on and it's escalated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't the new wife's XH paying for support for their kids? And why isn't she working?

OP here. They decided that she would stay home with the kids. As far as her ex, all I know he's not in the picture, she has full custody. She used to be a teacher's aide in her previous life.

Again, why they decided she stay at home is not my problem. My problem is that she and her offspring decided to take out their jealousy on my innocent kid. He still doesn't want to go there. It has really escalated. He asked me to sign him up for camps just so that he doesn't have to go to their house and interact with them. He's old enough to make up his mind.

Yes he is! Don't make him go back to those horrible people.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your ex take his son camping or do special things alone during their visits? A lot of men do this. His wife is nothing to him, nor are her kids. Seems like everyone would be better of.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but this is one the fall outs of divorce. It sucks, but your son is going to have to deal with the situation. His life isn't in danger and his health isn't going to be impacted, so no judge is going to care about whether he is teased (compare this to the other thread where the dad is so neglectful he is blocking the mom from allowing the dd to have dental treatments and the kids teeth are literally falling out. That's actually a dire enough situation to get the court to care).

Honestly, OP, I think you have made the situation way, way worse. You need to talk to your ex about how you both can facilitate a smoother transfer and experience for your kid. Your ex might be a jerk, but your son is stuck with him for the next few years at least.

[Anonymous]

OP handled the situation well. The dad needs to spend quality time alone with his child when he visits. He lives with the other ones so he sees them all the time. Why would your son want to see dad's wife and her kids? This is pretty normal stuff OP, typical of divorce and re-marriage. You're putting your son first while your ex isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP handled the situation well. The dad needs to spend quality time alone with his child when he visits. He lives with the other ones so he sees them all the time. Why would your son want to see dad's wife and her kids? This is pretty normal stuff OP, typical of divorce and re-marriage. You're putting your son first while your ex isn't.

Not really. Op has no say beyond abuse to meddle. She can try to foster a good relationship but she can't do anything else. And all signs point to op not being very constructive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

Don't tell them anything about your lives, even if he does go over there with a tan. We had a ex that was always very noisy using the kid to find out info. The camp thing is a good idea and whatever else to lessen time over there. I like the idea of your ex doing things together solely because he should be able to have one on one with his dad.

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

Agreed. How do you know the ex and his wife are jealous of you and your money? Sounds like they prioritized having a parent at home to raise their children versus money. You have different priorities and they don't value material things like you do.

OH PLEASE - even you don't believe that, and if you do, you are delusional.

If they didn't care - they wouldn't be calling the poor kid spoiled and rich kid.

They obviously see the disparity in what they can provide and what this boy has and it bothers them.

FFS.

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.

I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.

I really am not seeing this as smug. OP has a point. These people are taking their poor choices out on her son. It's not her fault and it's not his fault that they can't provide the same level of life style to their children. More importantly, if it really bothered them that much, the mother could always go out and get a job or the father could always pursue a higher paying job. Everyone makes choices. And to point out that one person's choices is the cause for their unhappiness in life is not smug - it's just realistic. But it is indefensible to shame a child for something they can not control.

[mshakespeare]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.

I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.

This, seriously.

She SHOULD have that attitude... and her son SHOULD have that attitude. I am so sick of people shaming people for success. As his mother, she should have his back. She should make sure that he knows that he did nothing wrong - that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And he should understand where his family is coming from - he should know that this is what jealously looks like. That there will be times in life where people will treat him badly because they are jealous - and that when that happens in his life - that he shouldn't feel like he has done something wrong.

My god - you people are justifying this kid being shamed by his step siblings and step mother... THEY ARE AT FAULT - they are bullying a little kid.

Stating facts is NOT smug.