Different financial circumstances and exes

[Anonymous]

The next time the stepmom makes a comment, instruct your son to remind her that his mother works FULL TIME!! Let's see who is "sensitive" after that comment. The step mom is a bully and a miserable human being. Who picks on a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The next time the stepmom makes a comment, instruct your son to remind her that his mother works FULL TIME!! Let's see who is "sensitive" after that comment. The step mom is a bully and a miserable human being. Who picks on a kid?

Do not do this. Do not encourage YOUR 12-YEAR-OLD to start fights with his step-mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

His father doesn't have his back. I'd tell the kid he doesn't have to go anymore until he and his father can sit down and talk and establish that dad does have his back instead of letting his step kids bully his son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

No, but you should be aware that you are contributing to the differences between him and his siblings. I understand that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but participating in the adversarial relationship with your ex - EVEN IF YOU DID NOT START IT - is not helpful or what is best for your son. You did the right thing by telling your ex that the "little rich boy" shit needs to stop. Ignore his comments about how your son is too sensitive and continue to focus on "things that are best for our son." If he won't let go of the "vacation" issue, you can simply tell him that each of you makes decisions about how to spend your vacation time with your son, and that it's important that you both be respectful of those decisions, particularly in front of your son.

I completely understand that your son may be reluctant to spend time at a home where he feels uncomfortable or singled out. I completely understand that that's upsetting to you. But your son is 12, not 4. You need to be having conversations with him that give him tools to navigate these situations. Suggestions like not bringing expensive presents are good. Helping him to understand that it's important that he try to find a way to connect with his dad and his siblings even when it's hard is good. You have an opportunity to take the moral high ground here. Saying "She started it!!" and "She CHOSE to stay home!" and "Why should MY SON be punished because THEY can't take vacations" is smug. If that is your attitude here, that's probably your attitude, quietly, the whole time. Your son will pick up on this, and it will either have the effect of making him smug about it or making him feel guilty about it, neither of which are good.

This, seriously.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter whether OP feels a little superior or is coming across as smug - the father and stepmother are 100% in the wrong here. OP did nothing wrong. OP, I think you would be justified in telling your son that he can say "My mom's finances are none of your business."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Guys, I don't denigrate ex-DH and his wife to my DS. I teach him to be respectful, I encourage him to have a relationship with his father and his new siblings. I don't discuss their finances or my finances with DS; he can see for himself that both of our households are different. He is friends with kids from various backgrounds, he's not sheltered. But no one but his stepsiblings and his stepmom calls him "our little rich boy." It's like they are blaming him for growing up in a stable home. I didn't steal that money, I didn't inherit it, I earned it fair and square. By making fun of him and calling him "spoiled", they are also questioning me as a parent. Yes, I think I made better choices in life than ex-DH and his new wife. But I kept my mouth shut because he's DS father and I was brought up to respect my parents. They are crossing the line.

[Anonymous]

Can we just focus on the fact that unless the kid is bragging, which it doesn't sound like he is, the stepsibs are clearly picking up this attitude from somewhere, and it is likely their parents? The ex and his wife are talking about OP and her kid either to their own kids or within earshot, and they're making it an issue. It wouldn't be an issue otherwise.

OP, it sounds like the CS he pays isn't much, and he would probably be embarrassed if you told him he didn't have to pay it. So the ex and his wife need to own their choices. They need to own the fact that the wife chooses to not work, and therefore their income is lower. (I wonder how she survived before meeting your ex, if her kids have a deadbeat for a dad and she's not earning either. My guess is she was pretty excited when your ex came along and saved her.)

And I say this as someone whose ex makes more money than I do. We started out making the same, but I had to mommy-track myself due to primary custody and his frequent deployments, and my income stagnated. His flexibility to deploy and travel has made his income shoot up. I don't share in that. But I don't talk about that with our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This includes trips around the world, clothes that are not from Walmart, good quality toys, extracurricular activities.

Is he bragging about the trips? Showing off the clothes? (As parents, we hope our kids wouldn't do that, but of course they might)

Anonymous wrote: his stepmother said a couple times "well, I know OUR Christmas gifts are not to your liking since your mom spoils you and get you all this expensive stuff."

Do you know how your son responded to the Christmas gifts? You probably have no way of knowing.

Anonymous wrote:
Every time we go on vacation, he insists we buy gifts for his stepsiblings and his stepmom. He has never come to their house empty handed, may it be a pie or a toy for their little one. They are clearly jealous

So stop having him give them presents! If they accuse him of being a rich kid, he's just proving their point by bringing them souvenirs. And it could definitely be seen as rubbing it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Guys, I don't denigrate ex-DH and his wife to my DS. I teach him to be respectful, I encourage him to have a relationship with his father and his new siblings. I don't discuss their finances or my finances with DS; he can see for himself that both of our households are different. He is friends with kids from various backgrounds, he's not sheltered. But no one but his stepsiblings and his stepmom calls him "our little rich boy." It's like they are blaming him for growing up in a stable home. I didn't steal that money, I didn't inherit it, I earned it fair and square. By making fun of him and calling him "spoiled", they are also questioning me as a parent. Yes, I think I made better choices in life than ex-DH and his new wife. But I kept my mouth shut because he's DS father and I was brought up to respect my parents. They are crossing the line.

You did the right thing by emailing the ex. The only thing you can do is go to court and get it court ordered but he's not going to follow the order so you are wasting your money. Just remember there is a reason why he is your ex. Just teach your son to ignore them when they make comments. Or, say, Yes, I'm very proud of how well my mom has done. She works really hard. I appreciate everything she does for me. Stop with the gifts. Its nice of you but stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The child support is a moot point; the child is both of their responsibility, and if the mother (or father) is doing the majority of the custody, that person deserves a boost. OP said the funds go towards extracurriculars, to which I see no reason both parents shouldn't contribute.

With that said, jealousy. The stepmom needs to stop with her comments. She made her bed. I can't stand the mentality that we are due pity because we aren't as successful as someone else. "Woe is me, look at that man driving a Ferrari! Must be nice!" No. That man WORKED for that. OP also WORKED to take vacations and buy her child whatever he wants.

Oh I so agree with this!

I would have a conversation (or several)with DS about money, financial choices, and trade offs.

I think you did right to bring up subject with DS's dad, but you need to recognize that some of this is coming from Stepmom and not XH. You won't be able to control this much. So you need to work with DS about best way to handle: jokes are not bad ("ok my mom might make more money, but money isn't everything"), redirection isn't a bad idea, and awareness that we all are different and have different sensitivities.

Finally I would say that where you graciously can, you want to genuinely point out what you admire in other household. Home cooked meals? You want to make sure your son is not getting a message that your way is superior and their household inferior.,,,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Guys, I don't denigrate ex-DH and his wife to my DS. I teach him to be respectful, I encourage him to have a relationship with his father and his new siblings. I don't discuss their finances or my finances with DS; he can see for himself that both of our households are different. He is friends with kids from various backgrounds, he's not sheltered. But no one but his stepsiblings and his stepmom calls him "our little rich boy." It's like they are blaming him for growing up in a stable home. I didn't steal that money, I didn't inherit it, I earned it fair and square. By making fun of him and calling him "spoiled", they are also questioning me as a parent. Yes, I think I made better choices in life than ex-DH and his new wife. But I kept my mouth shut because he's DS father and I was brought up to respect my parents. They are crossing the line.

How old are the "new siblings"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Guys, I don't denigrate ex-DH and his wife to my DS. I teach him to be respectful, I encourage him to have a relationship with his father and his new siblings. I don't discuss their finances or my finances with DS; he can see for himself that both of our households are different. He is friends with kids from various backgrounds, he's not sheltered. But no one but his stepsiblings and his stepmom calls him "our little rich boy." It's like they are blaming him for growing up in a stable home. I didn't steal that money, I didn't inherit it, I earned it fair and square. By making fun of him and calling him "spoiled", they are also questioning me as a parent. Yes, I think I made better choices in life than ex-DH and his new wife. But I kept my mouth shut because he's DS father and I was brought up to respect my parents. They are crossing the line.

How old are the "new siblings"?

Stepsiblings are 13 and 11, half-sibling is 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The child support is a moot point; the child is both of their responsibility, and if the mother (or father) is doing the majority of the custody, that person deserves a boost. OP said the funds go towards extracurriculars, to which I see no reason both parents shouldn't contribute.

With that said, jealousy. The stepmom needs to stop with her comments. She made her bed. I can't stand the mentality that we are due pity because we aren't as successful as someone else. "Woe is me, look at that man driving a Ferrari! Must be nice!" No. That man WORKED for that. OP also WORKED to take vacations and buy her child whatever he wants.

Oh I so agree with this!

I would have a conversation (or several)with DS about money, financial choices, and trade offs.

I think you did right to bring up subject with DS's dad, but you need to recognize that some of this is coming from Stepmom and not XH. You won't be able to control this much. So you need to work with DS about best way to handle: jokes are not bad ("ok my mom might make more money, but money isn't everything"), redirection isn't a bad idea, and awareness that we all are different and have different sensitivities.

Finally I would say that where you graciously can, you want to genuinely point out what you admire in other household. Home cooked meals? You want to make sure your son is not getting a message that your way is superior and their household inferior.,,,

That's actually funny because when I first heard of it, I tried pointing out the benefits of BOTH households, incl. home cooked meals, Mom always home, Mom can take you to your activities, fresh laundry, etc. His response? "But Mom, you work and we still have home cooked meals and laundry is done, and you drive me to my swim meets." Boom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

His father doesn't have his back. I'd tell the kid he doesn't have to go anymore until he and his father can sit down and talk and establish that dad does have his back instead of letting his step kids bully his son.

I agree with this advice. I don't make a lot of money but I don't begrudge people who do and take nice vacations. Your Ex DH is seriously out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered ex-DH to stop with the child support. His money really doesn't make a difference one way or another. Besides, next year DS will stick with only 2 activities as he's entering MS and will be pretty busy. With ex-DH it is the matter of "pride" that he's "financially helping" out.

Now on the subject of "how do the stepkids and stepmom know where he goes and what he does?" How's he supposed to hide it? "What did you for spring break?" - "Umm, nothing" and show up with a Florida tan. Why is he supposed to lie?

I did recommend he stop it with the gifts other than on birthdays, esp. since the type of gifts he gives them are so different from what he gets. On his 12th birthday he got a set of coloring books! Really? He's a 12-yr boy, not a 5-yr girl.

OP, I am sympathetic to your situation generally speaking, but you are not coming off great here either. You have gone out of your way to denigrate your ex's family's choices regarding whether his second wife works, how they parent the other children, and you went well out of your way to point out the many ways that you are a better parent. That may be true, but don't be so smug about it, even here.

The stepmom and her children go out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable and I should just swallow it? Do you know that my DS doesn't want to go to that house anymore? Do you know that I now have to spend time and effort convincing him to have a relationship with his father because he feels he doesn't have his back? Yes, he's sensitive, but also kind-hearted, hard-working and honest. And I've put up with a lot more from that family, I've been pretty accommodating. If I wanted to be "smug", I would've insisted that the CS was much higher than what he's paying now.

They have no right to discuss or be smug about where he's vacationing, what he's studying, reading, or playing. I did not start denigrating her children, she did it with mine. She called him spoiled, she called him "our little rich boy" to his face. All with a smile.

This is what you have to focus on. "Yes, DS is sensitive, but he is beginning to not want to have a relationship with his father because he doesn't like being picked on when he comes to your house. You wouldn't like it either. If you want to ruin the relationship you have with your son, I can't really do anything to stop you, but I will point out to you that you're doing it. It needs to stop, or the consequences will be on you and on our son, not on me."