I don't love my husband and don't think I ever did

[Anonymous]

OP,
I don't mean this in a fresh way at all, but do you think you could be gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

DH here.

This is me, though the flame/spark/something for me is a genuine connection that never really existed in my marriage. We were college sweethearts and married young, and I think all of the excitement of living in the city, and planning a wedding, and playing house masked who we really were, what we really wanted. Fast forward two decades and we're fully entrenched, living the suburban professional dream, and everything's ... fine. Except it's not fine, because it's like I'm inhabiting someone else's marriage. Like I've been dropped into an arrangement with this person who's very nice, and a great parent, and a reliable, agreeable partner. Someone who I do love ... right? Who I miss when she's away (well...). Who I look forward to spending time with (um...).

So now we have to invent ways to connect, to try to feel like it's there. Go though the motions. *Force it.* Whatever you have to do to try to feel okay, because how can you feel this lost for the rest of your life? I think eventually you just make an uneasy peace with it. You come to terms. Or you go looking where you shouldn't, and maybe find that something, and then have to live with knowing that it's out there, but you'll never really have it. Not the way you want. Not unless you're willing to walk away. And you know you can't.

All that's left is trying to feel okay. That's all you can really do, OP. Find a way to feel okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

This is me.

We NEVER had that spark but he is a great guy who treats me so well. I have never wanted to jump his bones. Its not his fault. He is perfect.

Me too unfortunately.

As a DH who wonders if he is on the other side of this, I wonder, have any of you DWs told him this is how you feel? Has he asked? Sometimes I think I'd be better off if she were just honest with me about things. It gets hard trying endlessly to rekindle a fire that maybe was never there in the first place.....

OP here. But would you want to truly know? Do you want to be told that your wife doesn't love you? I never understood what people meant by "we just grew apart." I just felt it was a bs answer but now that is my answer. I suppose we could do more date nights but I don't even want to put in that effort. Our communication will be minimum. Our affection will be minimum.

I don't understand how you can say you are having sex all the time with him but don't feel any attraction or spark? That makes no sense to me. Is it just duty sex on your end? The poor guy probably thinks things are great.

This is me too, and it sucks. DH is a great guy and a good dad. We have two kids, have been married for 8 years. Have sex 3-4 times a week, because it feels good to have sex, not because I want him in particular. I do not want date nights for the same reason as above. What's wrong with us?

[Anonymous]

These kind of posts make me so sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These kind of posts make me so sad

Me too. Especially with children involved. Why did these people even marry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame?

I think the stereotypical belief is wrong. I think those butterflies in the stomach and the sparks is lust, not love. It's that physical attraction so hard that you have a sexual response to it. For me, love is not that. Frankly that comes and goes. I have had those feeling off and on in the 17 years (14 married) that I have been with my wife. But what is love? It's that feeling of concern when the other person's well-being is more important than your own. When you would rather do something for your partner than something for yourself. When given the chance of protecting your spouse vs protecting yourself, you protect the spouse. When you look for things to do to help your partner, cheer up your partner, or just do things to make life easier for your partner.

My mother (who just celebrated her 58th anniversary to my dad a few months ago) told me many years ago that love comes and goes. But make sure that you really like your partner so that your marriage can survive the periods when the love is missing. This happened when our twins were born. That first year was hard. Lots of work, sleep deprivation, and resentment for all sorts of things. But through it all, we both still had each other's well-being ahead of our own. Love and marriage takes work to sustain and support. If you just take it for granted, or go through the motions, it will fade and the person will not continue to be more important to you than anyone else including yourself. So you work to keep that person important. It takes work on both sides to sustain it.



How do you sustain it? You nurture it by thinking about the person and what they like, what makes their life easier, what makes them feel special. It is different for every person and every couple. It doesn't have to be the stereotypical romantic gestures (much as jewelry companies would have you believe), but whatever makes the person feel special. My dad is now 90 and has mobility issues. My mother had to go out of the country for a couple of weeks to visit family and take care of some family business recently and my dad wasn't up to the trip, so Mom went alone. Even though we had good friends stay with Dad at home and help take care of him and my brother and niece went for half of the trip, my dad's health noticeably declined. When my mother returned, he perked back up within about 2 days. My brother took Dad to his favorite restaurant, but it wasn't the same without Mom. My mother came home and cooked a few of his favorite foods, fixed a few things in his den where he watches TV and generally pampered him and he perked up immensely. My wife notices when I'm feeling stressed and will take the kids and head out for several hours giving me free run of the house with no one to take care of but myself. When my wife is feeling tired, I do both my chores and hers and give her some time to do something that she wants to do, like maybe head upstairs and just watch TV and veg out for a couple of hours. We regularly buy each other small gifts that we think the other will enjoy. Something that just says "This made me think of you today. I hope it brings a smile to your face."

We've been through a lot including highs and lows but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else and she's the only one I want to be with. And that's whether or not I'm feeling the butterflies in my stomach or not.

Saved this for myself!

[Anonymous]

When you first married your husband, you probably discounted that the spark between you two was non-existent, and figured that w/time he would grow on you (like a tree.)
You likely reasoned to yourself that he was a decent man & that he was much better than what some people had to deal w/.

Fast forward to the present and you now know better.
Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

What you have to decide now is if you can honestly deal w/a loveless marriage.

Sure you may have made some bad decisions in the past, but do you really believe that you are mandated to live w/the results forever??

Life is meant to be celebrated to the fullest, not simply endured out of guilt.
How important is quality of life to you?

These are important yet vital questions you need to be asking yourself now.
Every single day.....

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Saved this for myself!

Thank you, I think?

Why the evil emoji?

[Anonymous]

I think you describe me pretty well. I am thinking about pursuing counseling together or for myself. I don't think I'd leave, mostly because I don't want to hurt our daughter emotionally and I don't want to be unable to give her financial benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry, just read you have lots of sex.

Is it good sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

This is me.

We NEVER had that spark but he is a great guy who treats me so well. I have never wanted to jump his bones. Its not his fault. He is perfect.

Me too unfortunately.

As a DH who wonders if he is on the other side of this, I wonder, have any of you DWs told him this is how you feel? Has he asked? Sometimes I think I'd be better off if she were just honest with me about things. It gets hard trying endlessly to rekindle a fire that maybe was never there in the first place.....

OP here. But would you want to truly know? Do you want to be told that your wife doesn't love you? I never understood what people meant by "we just grew apart." I just felt it was a bs answer but now that is my answer. I suppose we could do more date nights but I don't even want to put in that effort. Our communication will be minimum. Our affection will be minimum.

Oh, sounds as though you don't want to even try. No sympathy here.

If there is no motivation, there is no hope, IMHO. But that is nothing to be ashamed about. You cannot force motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame?

I think the stereotypical belief is wrong. I think those butterflies in the stomach and the sparks is lust, not love. It's that physical attraction so hard that you have a sexual response to it. For me, love is not that. Frankly that comes and goes. I have had those feeling off and on in the 17 years (14 married) that I have been with my wife. But what is love? It's that feeling of concern when the other person's well-being is more important than your own. When you would rather do something for your partner than something for yourself. When given the chance of protecting your spouse vs protecting yourself, you protect the spouse. When you look for things to do to help your partner, cheer up your partner, or just do things to make life easier for your partner.

My mother (who just celebrated her 58th anniversary to my dad a few months ago) told me many years ago that love comes and goes. But make sure that you really like your partner so that your marriage can survive the periods when the love is missing. This happened when our twins were born. That first year was hard. Lots of work, sleep deprivation, and resentment for all sorts of things. But through it all, we both still had each other's well-being ahead of our own. Love and marriage takes work to sustain and support. If you just take it for granted, or go through the motions, it will fade and the person will not continue to be more important to you than anyone else including yourself. So you work to keep that person important. It takes work on both sides to sustain it.

How do you sustain it? You nurture it by thinking about the person and what they like, what makes their life easier, what makes them feel special. It is different for every person and every couple. It doesn't have to be the stereotypical romantic gestures (much as jewelry companies would have you believe), but whatever makes the person feel special. My dad is now 90 and has mobility issues. My mother had to go out of the country for a couple of weeks to visit family and take care of some family business recently and my dad wasn't up to the trip, so Mom went alone. Even though we had good friends stay with Dad at home and help take care of him and my brother and niece went for half of the trip, my dad's health noticeably declined. When my mother returned, he perked back up within about 2 days. My brother took Dad to his favorite restaurant, but it wasn't the same without Mom. My mother came home and cooked a few of his favorite foods, fixed a few things in his den where he watches TV and generally pampered him and he perked up immensely. My wife notices when I'm feeling stressed and will take the kids and head out for several hours giving me free run of the house with no one to take care of but myself. When my wife is feeling tired, I do both my chores and hers and give her some time to do something that she wants to do, like maybe head upstairs and just watch TV and veg out for a couple of hours. We regularly buy each other small gifts that we think the other will enjoy. Something that just says "This made me think of you today. I hope it brings a smile to your face."

We've been through a lot including highs and lows but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else and she's the only one I want to be with. And that's whether or not I'm feeling the butterflies in my stomach or not.

Very well stated! Congrats on making a great marriage together. I am guessing that it turned out well for you because you found someone with whom you are well matched, and didn't settle. You knew yourself well enough at that point to realize the difference. You also had great role models growing up, which is a huge advantage. For some of us, who lacked that advantage, it takes much longer to realize this. At that point, some just resign themselves, others don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very well stated! Congrats on making a great marriage together. I am guessing that it turned out well for you because you found someone with whom you are well matched, and didn't settle. You knew yourself well enough at that point to realize the difference. You also had great role models growing up, which is a huge advantage. For some of us, who lacked that advantage, it takes much longer to realize this. At that point, some just resign themselves, others don't.

Thanks. It also takes work to find the right match. I was 33 (almost 34) before I met my wife and 37 when we married. She was married once before and this was her second rodeo. While we both like her ex, they were not well suited despite being high school sweethearts. But they met and fell for each other before they were fully matured as individuals and when they finished college and started on developing their lives and interests post-college, they drifted further and further apart until they couldn't really stay together. His loss, my gain.

And it takes more than just good role models. My mother gave the same advice to my two older siblings and both married for the wrong reasons and ended up divorced (one of them 3 times!). In both cases, they married before they were ready and didn't put in the work needed to sustain a relationship long-term. But after some early misses, they both ended up in long-term stable relationships that work well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

Why is everyone looking for a spark? When you hang out with your coworkers and have a good time, is there a spark? When you chill with your kids at bed time, is there a spark? Love is not about an aha moment or a connection that feels like butterflies. It's about being with someone you can be honest and vulnerable with. I've come to the realization that I'm not like most people on this board or in this area. But I value a person based on who they are, their content. I love them for that. I don't expect magical moment from or with anyone. Are you honest? Hardworking? Kind? Do you listen? Do you value me? Then I'm good. This is a relationship I want. Sparks die. A good companionate (maybe I invented the word) love is what will see us through in our 80s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

app with doctor? PPD?
I would wait to make ANY sudden moves until your youngest is at least 18 month old
PS did not read all 4 pages