I don't love my husband and don't think I ever did
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Anonymous
As a DH who wonders if he is on the other side of this, I wonder, have any of you DWs told him this is how you feel? Has he asked? Sometimes I think I'd be better off if she were just honest with me about things. It gets hard trying endlessly to rekindle a fire that maybe was never there in the first place..... |
Anonymous
hmm actually yes |
Anonymous
I woudn't. I love him and would never want to hurt him. |
Anonymous
| OP, when did you start feeling this way? After your youngest child was born? I'm not saying you are experiencing PPD but you have something going on. Talk to a therapist about this. |
Anonymous
NP. What you are going through is classic. Marriage, in general, neuters men. There is no more tension and uncertainty all of the things that make women feel "connection." "Connection" by the way is ridiculously transient. It is not a fixed thing about a particular person. You probably DID feeling some with your DH earlier on but now that you don't feel it can't even remember it to begin with. Another way to bring on this feeling is to do exciting things together - things that get your heart rate up like going to a shooting range or paragliding or other such things. There is research on this. Your body misconstrues the excitement/nervousness as the feelings of infatuation. Also it will bring about your attraction and interest to see your DH tackling something new. DO NOT convince yourself that you married the wrong man over this hooey, please for the love of god. It is a disaster that can be avoided with a little more understanding about how attraction works, how transient it is, and how to recreate some of it to keep you satisfied. |
Anonymous
| You have sex all the time, the sex is great, and yet the problem is the missing spark? What? Your post makes no sense without additional information. Maybe you want to provide some more backstory if you really want advice. |
Anonymous
You realize this makes you sound about 15 years old right? I swear to god, I had the same thought process at 14/15/16. I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to want him either. |
Anonymous
OP here. But would you want to truly know? Do you want to be told that your wife doesn't love you? I never understood what people meant by "we just grew apart." I just felt it was a bs answer but now that is my answer. I suppose we could do more date nights but I don't even want to put in that effort. Our communication will be minimum. Our affection will be minimum. |
Anonymous
I don't understand how you can say you are having sex all the time with him but don't feel any attraction or spark? That makes no sense to me. Is it just duty sex on your end? The poor guy probably thinks things are great. |
Anonymous
OP here. Sex was never this bond or connection. Just an orgasm to me. He knows this. We both have huge sex drives. Sex truly isn't the issue. It's outside of the bed |
Anonymous
You need to do NEW, EXCITING things you'd want to do even if he wasn't going to be there. Have a little faith that those joint experiences re-create connection. If you don't at least try even though you are feeling like there is no hope you'll create a self-fulfilling prophecy and your kids will pay for it. |
Anonymous
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As a man, married 14 years, kids 6 years older than yours: I am not sure you have a realistic view of marriage. I don't think too many couples have constant sparks. I love my wife, I care about her (I am jealous of the amount of sex you too are having!). But there aren't butterflies. Marriage is for stability, not passion. Which isn't to say there aren't ebbs and flows, where some days I am really into my wife, but most days are routine.
Did you have any other long term relationships before you married your husband? I think those of us that did know that these butterflies and sparks fade with everyone; that if you end up with someone you love, find attractive, have decent and sometimes great sex with, can raise children with shared values, that is what counts. It's all kind of irrelevant for you now that you have kids. Sorry to be a downer. Your only real choice is being a part-time mom in search of passion in a highly limited dating field now if you are a divorced mom. Or staying, enjoying the stability, and making sparks happen when you can. |
Anonymous
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OP, think about it this way. Your husband is not a bad guy. He's kind. He's a good dad. He's reliable. You still have sex with him, and it sounds like you enjoy that.
Those things might not blow your skirt up, but they are better than seeing your kids only part time and realizing that dating is basically the worst thing ever. You might meet Mr. Wonderful who does blow your skirt up, but the lifetime of coparenting that may or may not go smoothly and the realization that even Mr. Wonderful becomes Mr. That Guy You Married at some point kind of wrecks it. Also, there aren't Mr. Wonderfuls waiting on every corner, so it's entirely likely that not only will you not find Mr. Wonderful, you might not even find that kind, reliable good dad type you married before. Maybe try to build a connection with your husband instead of considering the ways that he doesn't thrill you. |
Anonymous
| Do things in groups. I find that if its just me and wife out for dinner, the conversation unfortunately turns to the routine, kids, etc. If we have a group dinner with other fun couples, I notice how fun and flirty she is, and I am sure she does the same. You see each other in a different light. |
Anonymous
Yes it is. Jesus some of you are immature. |