Reply to I don't love my husband and don't think I ever did

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame?[/quote]

I think the stereotypical belief is wrong.  I think those butterflies in the stomach and the sparks is lust, not love.  It's that physical attraction so hard that you have a sexual response to it.  For me, love is not that.  Frankly that comes and goes.  I have had those feeling off and on in the 17 years (14 married) that I have been with my wife.  But what is love?  It's that feeling of concern when the other person's well-being is more important than your own.  When you would rather do something for your partner than something for yourself.  When given the chance of protecting your spouse vs protecting yourself, you protect the spouse.  When you look for things to do to help your partner, cheer up your partner, or just do things to make life easier for your partner.

My mother (who just celebrated her 58th anniversary to my dad a few months ago) told me many years ago that love comes and goes.  But make sure that you really like your partner so that your marriage can survive the periods when the love is missing.  This happened when our twins were born.  That first year was hard.  Lots of work, sleep deprivation, and resentment for all sorts of things.  But through it all, we both still had each other's well-being ahead of our own.  Love and marriage takes work to sustain and support.  If you just take it for granted, or go through the motions, it will fade and the person will not continue to be more important to you than anyone else including yourself.  So you work to keep that person important.  It takes work on both sides to sustain it.

How do you sustain it?  You nurture it by thinking about the person and what they like, what makes their life easier, what makes them feel special.  It is different for every person and every couple. It doesn't have to be the stereotypical romantic gestures (much as jewelry companies would have you believe), but whatever makes the person feel special.  My dad is now 90 and has mobility issues.  My mother had to go out of the country for a couple of weeks to visit family and take care of some family business recently and my dad wasn't up to the trip, so Mom went alone.  Even though we had good friends stay with Dad at home and help take care of him and my brother and niece went for half of the trip, my dad's health noticeably declined.  When my mother returned, he perked back up within about 2 days.  My brother took Dad to his favorite restaurant, but it wasn't the same without Mom.  My mother came home and cooked a few of his favorite foods, fixed a few things in his den where he watches TV and generally pampered him and he perked up immensely.  My wife notices when I'm feeling stressed and will take the kids and head out for several hours giving me free run of the house with no one to take care of but myself.   When my wife is feeling tired, I do both my chores and hers and give her some time to do something that she wants to do, like maybe head upstairs and just watch TV and veg out for a couple of hours.  We regularly buy each other small gifts that we think the other will enjoy.  Something that just says "This made me think of you today.  I hope it brings a smile to your face."

We've been through a lot including highs and lows but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else and she's the only one I want to be with.  And that's whether or not I'm feeling the butterflies in my stomach or not.[/quote]

Very well stated! Congrats on making a great marriage together. I am guessing that it turned out well for you because you found someone with whom you are well matched, and didn't settle. You knew yourself well enough at that point to realize the difference. You also had great role models growing up, which is a huge advantage. For some of us, who lacked that advantage, it takes much longer to realize this. At that point, some just resign themselves, others don't.[/quote]

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