I don't love my husband and don't think I ever did

[Anonymous]

Have an affair with someone who creates a spark in you. After three months you will happily go back to your husband and never stray again.

[Anonymous]

Simply put OP. You're a reckless idiot, you got married to someone you never loved and you're surprised there's no spark ? What happened ? The man or men you were attracted to eloped with other women and never bothered giving you the time of the day ?
Go have an affair like everybody else, it appears you're heading in that direction anyway .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

Why is everyone looking for a spark? When you hang out with your coworkers and have a good time, is there a spark? When you chill with your kids at bed time, is there a spark? Love is not about an aha moment or a connection that feels like butterflies. It's about being with someone you can be honest and vulnerable with. I've come to the realization that I'm not like most people on this board or in this area. But I value a person based on who they are, their content. I love them for that. I don't expect magical moment from or with anyone. Are you honest? Hardworking? Kind? Do you listen? Do you value me? Then I'm good. This is a relationship I want. Sparks die. A good companionate (maybe I invented the word) love is what will see us through in our 80s.

NP here. Yes, when I hang out with coworkers there is excitement and energy. And with my kids there is magic in that they say things that amaze and delight me.

How can you want to be honest and vulnerable with someone who has completely alienated you, or is like a coworker you don't particularly get along with?

To the PP who is a DH in a happy marriage, what if you both try but, for example, when you get each other little gifts they are just off or wrong, because you aren't compatible and don't "get" each other? What if you like different foods so it is hard to cook together or for each other? Maybe when you were dating you compromised more to be agreeable, you pretended to like the little gifts to be polite (and you thought it was nice that the person even tried to get gifts), and you possibly didn't fully realize your own tastes and even values until later. Or you just changed. Maybe you both changed and what was once right or at least okay became wrong.

From reading all the great posts above: Perhaps one crucial requirement is for each person to know who they truly are, and to authentically be living the life they want to live, before choosing a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love is an action.

Sparks are not love.

Grow up.

This

Please do so to explain. I should grow up and suck it up because my husband and I do not have a connection?

Yes. You married him. He is not a bad guy. Suck it up.

Burying and denying one's true feelings is never the answer.

To paraphrase a great website:

Belgrade, Beirut, and Belfast were full of men entirely too damn much in touch with their feelings.

Why fancies such as OP are given greater credence than a man's desire for big tits has always escaped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

Why is everyone looking for a spark? When you hang out with your coworkers and have a good time, is there a spark? When you chill with your kids at bed time, is there a spark? Love is not about an aha moment or a connection that feels like butterflies. It's about being with someone you can be honest and vulnerable with. I've come to the realization that I'm not like most people on this board or in this area. But I value a person based on who they are, their content. I love them for that. I don't expect magical moment from or with anyone. Are you honest? Hardworking? Kind? Do you listen? Do you value me? Then I'm good. This is a relationship I want. Sparks die. A good companionate (maybe I invented the word) love is what will see us through in our 80s.

NP here. Yes, when I hang out with coworkers there is excitement and energy. And with my kids there is magic in that they say things that amaze and delight me.

How can you want to be honest and vulnerable with someone who has completely alienated you, or is like a coworker you don't particularly get along with?

To the PP who is a DH in a happy marriage, what if you both try but, for example, when you get each other little gifts they are just off or wrong, because you aren't compatible and don't "get" each other? What if you like different foods so it is hard to cook together or for each other? Maybe when you were dating you compromised more to be agreeable, you pretended to like the little gifts to be polite (and you thought it was nice that the person even tried to get gifts), and you possibly didn't fully realize your own tastes and even values until later. Or you just changed. Maybe you both changed and what was once right or at least okay became wrong.

From reading all the great posts above: Perhaps one crucial requirement is for each person to know who they truly are, and to authentically be living the life they want to live, before choosing a partner.

Would that it were possible, before it was "too late." But yes, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

Why is everyone looking for a spark? When you hang out with your coworkers and have a good time, is there a spark? When you chill with your kids at bed time, is there a spark? Love is not about an aha moment or a connection that feels like butterflies. It's about being with someone you can be honest and vulnerable with. I've come to the realization that I'm not like most people on this board or in this area. But I value a person based on who they are, their content. I love them for that. I don't expect magical moment from or with anyone. Are you honest? Hardworking? Kind? Do you listen? Do you value me? Then I'm good. This is a relationship I want. Sparks die. A good companionate (maybe I invented the word) love is what will see us through in our 80s.

NP here. Yes, when I hang out with coworkers there is excitement and energy. And with my kids there is magic in that they say things that amaze and delight me.

How can you want to be honest and vulnerable with someone who has completely alienated you, or is like a coworker you don't particularly get along with?

To the PP who is a DH in a happy marriage, what if you both try but, for example, when you get each other little gifts they are just off or wrong, because you aren't compatible and don't "get" each other? What if you like different foods so it is hard to cook together or for each other? Maybe when you were dating you compromised more to be agreeable, you pretended to like the little gifts to be polite (and you thought it was nice that the person even tried to get gifts), and you possibly didn't fully realize your own tastes and even values until later. Or you just changed. Maybe you both changed and what was once right or at least okay became wrong.

From reading all the great posts above: Perhaps one crucial requirement is for each person to know who they truly are, and to authentically be living the life they want to live, before choosing a partner.

Would that it were possible, before it was "too late." But yes, this.

Unfortunately, in modern societies, people aren't given the time, space or encouragement to know themselves and live their authentic lives as they are growing up (it's not good for business). So it's not surprising that so many adults reach middle age and think, what have I done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have an affair with someone who creates a spark in you. After three months you will happily go back to your husband and never stray again.

That is not how it worked out for me. After three months ... I wanted AP more than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame?

I think the stereotypical belief is wrong. I think those butterflies in the stomach and the sparks is lust, not love. It's that physical attraction so hard that you have a sexual response to it. For me, love is not that. Frankly that comes and goes. I have had those feeling off and on in the 17 years (14 married) that I have been with my wife. But what is love? It's that feeling of concern when the other person's well-being is more important than your own. When you would rather do something for your partner than something for yourself. When given the chance of protecting your spouse vs protecting yourself, you protect the spouse. When you look for things to do to help your partner, cheer up your partner, or just do things to make life easier for your partner.

My mother (who just celebrated her 58th anniversary to my dad a few months ago) told me many years ago that love comes and goes. But make sure that you really like your partner so that your marriage can survive the periods when the love is missing. This happened when our twins were born. That first year was hard. Lots of work, sleep deprivation, and resentment for all sorts of things. But through it all, we both still had each other's well-being ahead of our own. Love and marriage takes work to sustain and support. If you just take it for granted, or go through the motions, it will fade and the person will not continue to be more important to you than anyone else including yourself. So you work to keep that person important. It takes work on both sides to sustain it.

How do you sustain it? You nurture it by thinking about the person and what they like, what makes their life easier, what makes them feel special. It is different for every person and every couple. It doesn't have to be the stereotypical romantic gestures (much as jewelry companies would have you believe), but whatever makes the person feel special. My dad is now 90 and has mobility issues. My mother had to go out of the country for a couple of weeks to visit family and take care of some family business recently and my dad wasn't up to the trip, so Mom went alone. Even though we had good friends stay with Dad at home and help take care of him and my brother and niece went for half of the trip, my dad's health noticeably declined. When my mother returned, he perked back up within about 2 days. My brother took Dad to his favorite restaurant, but it wasn't the same without Mom. My mother came home and cooked a few of his favorite foods, fixed a few things in his den where he watches TV and generally pampered him and he perked up immensely. My wife notices when I'm feeling stressed and will take the kids and head out for several hours giving me free run of the house with no one to take care of but myself. When my wife is feeling tired, I do both my chores and hers and give her some time to do something that she wants to do, like maybe head upstairs and just watch TV and veg out for a couple of hours. We regularly buy each other small gifts that we think the other will enjoy. Something that just says "This made me think of you today. I hope it brings a smile to your face."

We've been through a lot including highs and lows but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else and she's the only one I want to be with. And that's whether or not I'm feeling the butterflies in my stomach or not.

I wish you were my husband. He would never be this thoughtful or introspective. I am happy for you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

You sound postpartum. It can develop slowly and may take the form of irritability or flattening of feelings rather than just baby blues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

Flame??? You sound very immature.

[Anonymous]

Would you prefer to love and hate your husband, like me? DH has mental health issues which flare up into irrational and lately dangerous temper tantrums.

I think that with a little creativity and effort you can your relationship work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To the PP who is a DH in a happy marriage, what if you both try but, for example, when you get each other little gifts they are just off or wrong, because you aren't compatible and don't "get" each other? What if you like different foods so it is hard to cook together or for each other? Maybe when you were dating you compromised more to be agreeable, you pretended to like the little gifts to be polite (and you thought it was nice that the person even tried to get gifts), and you possibly didn't fully realize your own tastes and even values until later. Or you just changed. Maybe you both changed and what was once right or at least okay became wrong.

From reading all the great posts above: Perhaps one crucial requirement is for each person to know who they truly are, and to authentically be living the life they want to live, before choosing a partner.

Would that it were possible, before it was "too late." But yes, this.

I'm the happy DH. Yes, I agree with the above sentiments. For example, my wife was married for 14 years to her high school sweetheart. This is her second marriage. Some of our wisdom is due to her experiences having made a less perfect choice the first time around. We met in our 30's. We met when I was 33, and I married for the first time at age 37. Although it was hard being single much longer than most of my peers, I did learn much more about myself by waiting until later. My wife also learned much more about herself, unfortunately the hard way, by experiencing two people who didn't know each other, but loved each other young and marrying and later discovering that they were two different people with different preferences and that they had grown apart. They ended their marriage somewhat amicably, but still had to divorce because as you point out, they were not as well matched as they seemed when they were young and knew less about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Love is staying through the midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have an affair with someone who creates a spark in you. After three months you will happily go back to your husband and never stray again.

That is not how it worked out for me. After three months ... I wanted AP more than ever.

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