Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW

[Anonymous]

When DH's sister got married, my FIL brought the OW. MIL ended up spending half the reception crying in the hallway.

OP, this is really, really tough. If I were in your shoes, I'd defer to my mom's feelings. I would not be able to enjoy my wedding if my mother was crying in the hallway. But, if your mom is the type who can ignore them and keep it together and enjoy herself, then let dad bring the OW. For me, it would just totally depend on how my mom would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello Dcum, I was hoping to get some perspective from other folks in the area and whether my father is being completely ridiculous or if I should compromise.
I'm a 27 yr old male and in June proposed to my fiance. I plan on getting married spring next year.

My father finalized his divorce with my mom after 23 years of marriage and a long messy divorce this winter. The short synopsis is that at the very least my father had an extended EA with the OW who is 15 years younger and much more attractive than my father. But it is mine and everyone else's opinion that a full blown affair had been under way for years. I believe my mother knew but didn't say anything as she believed my father would never divorce her.

Needless to say I do not like or trust the other woman and she is still with my father. My problem is that I adamantly do not want this woman at my wedding. But I really want my actual parents to be there and I love them both. My father has given the ultimatum that he will not attend my wedding if I do not invite his new SO/other woman even though I have directly asked him to be there without her.

I care very much about my family and want my parents there. Not only do I not want the OW there but I couldn't bring myself to ask my mother to be at my wedding around her. My father has taken this as a personal assault and picking sides.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her there and asking him to attend without her? I feel like he should want to be at my wedding no matter what.
For anyone who may have also experienced something like this how did you handle it? I really don't want to have to do an elopement.

Thanks.

In your situation I would decide that not hurting my mother would mean more to me than accommodating my father. I love my mom and would not have her hurting on what should be a happy day. So, dad would come alone or not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced shortly before I got engaged in my late 20's. My mom had an emotional affair with my dad's business partner (who was also married) and we all suspected there was something much more. She left my dad for the guy and my poor dad's business dissolved. Everyone went broke in the process. The crazy thing is the boyfriend still lived with his wife for a few years while also with my mother. He was still living with his wife when we had our wedding. I adamantly did not want him to come as I thought the situation was so messed up.

Fast forward -- we ended up having a longish engagement and my dad remarried with lightening speed. I did eventually decide to invite my mom's boyfriend to the wedding as it was important to me to have my mom there... And she needed to have him with her. I did warn all involved - many times - that any BS would not be tolerated. So what happened? The day was beautiful, everyone behaved, and I was happy to have both of my parents there, despite the emotional turmoil we'd all gone through.

That was 10 years ago and my mom is now married to that man. Both of my parents are much happier in their lives. That man I once couldn't stand is now a solid member of our family. We're even able to all get together for the holidays and kids' birthdays (it did take a few years). He has been nothing but kind and our children consider him like a grandfather. Basically, my issues were with my mom, not him. One I realized that, and the fact that he wasn't going away, I decided to welcome him into our lives. It helped a lot that at his core he's a nice guy. But it still wasn't easy. And my mom and I still have some grudges and hurts from back then. But I'm really glad I didn't hold my ground with the wedding.

In my situation, it certainly helped that my father had moved on in his life by the time of the wedding. Your situation is of course different and only you know what is best for you. But you're at the start of a new stage of life. And a line in the sand now may have repercussions down the road that may be hard to come back from. Just my two cents.

+1

There is no coming back from not inviting your father and his girlfriend to the wedding. If you plan to have children you are going to be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
You are essentially choosing sides in your parents' divorce and believing that your father had an affair and you are going to punish him on your mothers behalf, it's unclear whether you blame him as well for the demise of the marriage in general (you say your mom knew but looked the other way?)
That may be the story now, and I see that most people are jumping all over your dad and calling him a liar and a cheat.

I am telling you that you don't, and will never, really know what happened in your parents' marriage.
And you probably don't want to know!
Do you really want to know that your mom withheld sex for 8 years?
That she didn't want to give up her lifestyle before divorce so she stayed?
That they were both lonely and miserable for years and your dad made this connection until your mother agreed to a divorce once the kids were out of the house?
I'm coming from the perspective of someone who is very sorry I jumped to similar conclusions as you, saw my mother as the victim who needed to have justice, and all that goes along with that narrative, who is now 20 years into a marriage and realizing it's not black and white.
And it's not my job to police their marriage and be the judge and jury.
Your mother could be helping you, her son, by saying she is fine with it, she will be classy and hold her head up high, and don't worry about her.
It's also affecting you that you think she can't do that, and has a role in this situation as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced shortly before I got engaged in my late 20's. My mom had an emotional affair with my dad's business partner (who was also married) and we all suspected there was something much more. She left my dad for the guy and my poor dad's business dissolved. Everyone went broke in the process. The crazy thing is the boyfriend still lived with his wife for a few years while also with my mother. He was still living with his wife when we had our wedding. I adamantly did not want him to come as I thought the situation was so messed up.

Fast forward -- we ended up having a longish engagement and my dad remarried with lightening speed. I did eventually decide to invite my mom's boyfriend to the wedding as it was important to me to have my mom there... And she needed to have him with her. I did warn all involved - many times - that any BS would not be tolerated. So what happened? The day was beautiful, everyone behaved, and I was happy to have both of my parents there, despite the emotional turmoil we'd all gone through.

That was 10 years ago and my mom is now married to that man. Both of my parents are much happier in their lives. That man I once couldn't stand is now a solid member of our family. We're even able to all get together for the holidays and kids' birthdays (it did take a few years). He has been nothing but kind and our children consider him like a grandfather. Basically, my issues were with my mom, not him. One I realized that, and the fact that he wasn't going away, I decided to welcome him into our lives. It helped a lot that at his core he's a nice guy. But it still wasn't easy. And my mom and I still have some grudges and hurts from back then. But I'm really glad I didn't hold my ground with the wedding.

In my situation, it certainly helped that my father had moved on in his life by the time of the wedding. Your situation is of course different and only you know what is best for you. But you're at the start of a new stage of life. And a line in the sand now may have repercussions down the road that may be hard to come back from. Just my two cents.

+1

There is no coming back from not inviting your father and his girlfriend to the wedding. If you plan to have children you are going to be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
You are essentially choosing sides in your parents' divorce and believing that your father had an affair and you are going to punish him on your mothers behalf, it's unclear whether you blame him as well for the demise of the marriage in general (you say your mom knew but looked the other way?)
That may be the story now, and I see that most people are jumping all over your dad and calling him a liar and a cheat.

I am telling you that you don't, and will never, really know what happened in your parents' marriage.
And you probably don't want to know!
Do you really want to know that your mom withheld sex for 8 years?
That she didn't want to give up her lifestyle before divorce so she stayed?
That they were both lonely and miserable for years and your dad made this connection until your mother agreed to a divorce once the kids were out of the house?
I'm coming from the perspective of someone who is very sorry I jumped to similar conclusions as you, saw my mother as the victim who needed to have justice, and all that goes along with that narrative, who is now 20 years into a marriage and realizing it's not black and white.
And it's not my job to police their marriage and be the judge and jury.
Your mother could be helping you, her son, by saying she is fine with it, she will be classy and hold her head up high, and don't worry about her.
It's also affecting you that you think she can't do that, and has a role in this situation as well

Rest of their life?

There is a 5% chance that they even stay together, there is a 65% chance they divorce if they marry.

OP... you have a 0.0325 chance that this woman will be part of the rest of your life.

Nobody cares what happened in the marriage. The ink isn't even dry. It's been <1 year. Nobody should introduce a "new" love interest to their family <6 months after a divorce.

This is a girlfriend, not wife. A girlfriend he has dated for about 8 months.

Most girlfriends (unless there is an engagement) don't get a +1 in a wedding invite.

What if he does a +1, and they break up, can dad just bring the next one? Come on people this is a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

^
You know very well that it was meant that OP will be navigating his parents divorce and any future love interests, second spouses, etc.

You are correct that it may not be this particular girlfriend, but the issue of parents who had a messy divorce and are at odds will be an issue for a very very long time

[Anonymous]

As a mother, I'd be beyond hurt and maybe not attend or leave the wedding. Why should your mother be subjected to this?

[Anonymous]

Invite your dad alone and your mom alone. It's up to them then if they want to come. If your dad won't come without the OW, that's his choice.

If this were 10 years after your parents divorce, my advice would different. But everyone's feelings are still very raw, and your dad is being obnoxious in not acknowledging that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello Dcum, I was hoping to get some perspective from other folks in the area and whether my father is being completely ridiculous or if I should compromise.
I'm a 27 yr old male and in June proposed to my fiance. I plan on getting married spring next year.

My father finalized his divorce with my mom after 23 years of marriage and a long messy divorce this winter. The short synopsis is that at the very least my father had an extended EA with the OW who is 15 years younger and much more attractive than my father. But it is mine and everyone else's opinion that a full blown affair had been under way for years. I believe my mother knew but didn't say anything as she believed my father would never divorce her.

Needless to say I do not like or trust the other woman and she is still with my father. My problem is that I adamantly do not want this woman at my wedding. But I really want my actual parents to be there and I love them both. My father has given the ultimatum that he will not attend my wedding if I do not invite his new SO/other woman even though I have directly asked him to be there without her.

I care very much about my family and want my parents there. Not only do I not want the OW there but I couldn't bring myself to ask my mother to be at my wedding around her. My father has taken this as a personal assault and picking sides.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her there and asking him to attend without her? I feel like he should want to be at my wedding no matter what.
For anyone who may have also experienced something like this how did you handle it? I really don't want to have to do an elopement.

Thanks.

No you are not being unreasonable or selfish.

Your father is, but that's what can be expected from a man who would cheat on his wife.

Invite your parents alone no plus ones for either of them. They can each make their choices.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I think it's your wedding, and your feelings that you don't want the OW there should trump other considerations. However, I would try to sit down with your dad and really have a conversation in which you tell him how much you love him and leave the door open for him to attend if he will do so alone.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just table it for now. You aren't getting married until spring.

Nothing has to be decided right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, what if your dad had a milestone event and wanted you to come without your fiancee. And what if your fiancee put her foot down and said that she thought it was undermining your relationship to invite you and not both of you? Would you honor your father and go without your fiancee? Or would you honor your fiancee and decline to attend your father's milestone event? This is the position that you are putting your father in; having to choose between his current SO and you. It's never comfortable for anyone and there are no right answers, just what each individual family can tolerate.

Completely different - unless OP's fiance was the previous GF of OP's brother and they got together while she was still fucking OP's brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just table it for now. You aren't getting married until spring.

Nothing has to be decided right now.

It's true, she could meet an older, wealthier guy and they could break up. He could meet a younger, hotter woman and they could break up.

[Anonymous]

She didn't steal OP's family. She is not being selfish. We don't know if OW even wants to come to the wedding. SHE may feel uncomfortable in the situation.

Your problem is your dad. And if you really want him there you invite him. If he comes, great, if not, his loss. You usually only get one chance to see your kid get married and if he is willing to ruin your relationship over not being able to bring OW, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Your father is full of crap about not sleeping w/ OW before divorce. Invite him, if he doesn't come your know where his priorities are. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, I'd be beyond hurt and maybe not attend or leave the wedding. Why should your mother be subjected to this?

Why would you make your son's wedding all about YOU?