Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW
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Anonymous
No. He looks like a doormat that can't stand up to his father. Why not invite your nephew who is a Heroine addict and your uncle that is an alcoholic. No. People make decision and there are consequences to those actions. Sometimes you don't get the invite. This is not kindergarten where everybody has to be invited. |
Anonymous
Agree. This is such a stupidly common thing with cheating men, they blow up the family with their affair then are shocked, SHOCKED, when the kids don't want their former affair partner / current wife, GF, whatever around for family events. Newsflash, jacka$$, the kids may be stuck with you as a father but they ain't stuck with your lady friend and sure as $hit aren't going to prioritize her over their own mother. |
Anonymous
Nice. This is the best answer. Love it. Op this all sucks. So sorry. I hope the wedding is really joyful. You and your fiancé just keep focusing on the good stuff. But do get this conversation done. And maybe it will go over better than you think? |
Anonymous
This, IMO, is the high road. Everything else will be drama. |
Anonymous
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OP here,
Wow thank you guys for all the advice and so quickly. What makes this sticky is I have had the hard convo with him, Monday night actually and the fire storm is on which is why I am here. He really is making it all about him. Both him and the OW swear up and down that they didn't have sex before their respective divorces but i know this is not true which adds to the situation. They literally divorced their spouses the same month. I will answer some more of the pp thoughts and questions later today...has anyone been in this situation and had it work out well? Either by inviting everyone or just drawing the line in the sand like some mentioned? I feel like if I cave I will not enjoy my wedding and hurt my mother and if I stick to my guns and he shows he will have a black cloud over him. If I stick to my guns and he doesn't show it would be very hurtful as well... |
Anonymous
These are excellent points. I say there are many reasons you should stick with not inviting the OW. He might show up with out her. If you invite him and her, there WILL be tension and probably drama and it will tarnish what should be a beautiful day for you. |
Anonymous
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So, OP, what if your dad had a milestone event and wanted you to come without your fiancee. And what if your fiancee put her foot down and said that she thought it was undermining your relationship to invite you and not both of you? Would you honor your father and go without your fiancee? Or would you honor your fiancee and decline to attend your father's milestone event? This is the position that you are putting your father in; having to choose between his current SO and you. It's never comfortable for anyone and there are no right answers, just what each individual family can tolerate.
I personally would invite dad and OW but tell him explicitly that he (your dad) is fully responsible for ensuring that there are no scenes big or small between your mother and your father's girlfriend. That means he needs to make sure that they stay away from each other and if he cannot do that, then he needs to excuse himself and his girlfriend from the premises. You can say that you prefer that he attend without her, but that his presence is more important than your distaste for having her there. Tell him that you'll do your part by ensuring that the ushers make sure to seat father and OW far away from mother and that you'll assign them seats on opposite sides of the reception. After that, it is entirely his responsibility for making sure that there are no problems. I would also make sure that someone is responsible for monitoring this. In our case, we had a wedding coordinator and I would have empowered them to ask dad and girlfriend to leave if any disruption did occur and I would tell dad exactly that, that the wedding coordinator will keep an eye on things and may ask them to leave if things get ugly. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I know this is hard to hear but they are divorced. She is not his mistress anymore, he is free and clear to have a girlfriend. You don't know the true story about your parents, because there is no truth. It's just their perceptions and feelings and justifications and behaviors, and how you see that. Maybe in 20 years when you have been married that long and see how hard and complex it is, you might feel differently and realize they were just people in a bad marriage. I say this as someone in a similar situation as you but with 20 years behind me. I understand know how, say, not having sex for 5 years is a major issue. And how finances and kids affect choices. Like how blowing up a marriage could destroy my kids college funds. Things like that. And I understand how affairs happen. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offering a perspective on the realities of 2 imperfect and flawed people being married. Which is all of us married people at the end of the day. |
Anonymous
This isn't the same since it's been many years since the divorce and the dad and OW were married, but they did all attend my BIL's small (like 20 person) wedding. They hadn't been in the same room together in 35 years. They HATE each other. BIL was really nervous about it, but they both acted like mature adults and just didn't speak to each other. As a guest, I didn't notice any tension. Will you be inviting your Dad's siblings? Parents, if they are still alive? Your cousins? Friends of your Dad? |
Anonymous
| FUCK Thats, its your wedding and its all about you and your finace having a great time. Do what your heart tells you! |
Anonymous
While it may be true that more dads than moms behave badly, I think making this solely about dads is inappropriate. I have seen several adult mothers who make scenes by finally walking out on dads after the kids finally fly the coop and make no bones about having another guy in their life and flaunting him. I think you should say "Adult parents who act immaturely suck..." because it definitely goes both ways. |
Anonymous
I haven't been in exactly this situation. My parents divorced when I was 12. I got married when I was 27. They were both invited, and my mom came with her husband (who she'd married about a year before). They sat on opposite sides of the church and did not interact at all during the reception - like, not AT ALL. They didn't say one word to each other. We did not take family photos as my husband's parents have a similarly antagonistic dynamic. His stepmother is the classical definition of a wicked stepmother, and she does not participate in his life at all. He made it very clear to his father that stepmother was not invited to the wedding, full stop. His dad was not surprised, but I think he was a little bit disappointed. I made it clear to all the parents - individually - that if there was any drama, everyone associated with the drama would get the boot. There wasn't any, but I was totally prepared to ask one or both of my parents to leave my own wedding if they couldn't act like adults. FIL know that "bringing stepmother" would count as drama, because my husband was explicit about it. If I was in your position, I would tell your dad that you want both of your parents at your wedding, and that this woman is not one of your parents. She is not invited. If he chooses her over spending one evening with his son, then your relationship is already past the point of no return. The only up side to that will be that your mom will know 100% that you've got her back. |
Anonymous
It does not matter how bad the marriage is. His father is lying to him. He asked his father for a favor and his father lied and refused to grant him a favor. You see the marriage is over but there is still a father son relationship and the father is not honoring that relationship. This has nothing to do with the marriage. This has something to do with the father honoring his son's wishes. His father is divorced, he is welcome to have 20 girlfriends actually, but the son does not have to invite them to his wedding. Why can't people stand on their own 2 feet, ever. |
Anonymous
OP, I posted earlier about my dad skipping my sister's wedding. You need to accept that this will be a continuous series of really destructful negative events from your father and the other woman. Including him will not make things better or rosier. It will just postpone the next time and the next time and the next time. Him choosing not to include himself in your wedding is not going to be the only hurtful thing he will do in a string of hurtful things. No matter what you do your father and this woman will continue to hurt you and your family with their selfishness, over and over again. |
Anonymous
| If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness. |