Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW

[Anonymous]

I always liked Ann Landers advice. basically, you invite your Dad only and then let him know that if he cannot make it, "we will miss you." No drama or anything, just reality. If you can't come, it will be noticed, but that's how it's going to be and my life will go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

No one should be a problem at your wedding. Your mother's family will also be there, right? Your father decided his penis was more important than your family. Even if they did not have sex before the divorce, the OW was the main contributing factor, right? Let him live th his happiness and let your mother enjoy her son's wedding, please.

Signed,
BTDT who had TWO uninvited fathers at her wedding and two happy mothers - now MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

This will only happen if the OP and his bride keep worrying about it. Nobody really cares about all this crap. Put the "plus one" invitations in the mail and don't have another conversation about it. Focus on more important things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I know this is hard to hear but they are divorced.
She is not his mistress anymore, he is free and clear to have a girlfriend.

You don't know the true story about your parents, because there is no truth.
It's just their perceptions and feelings and justifications and behaviors, and how you see that.
Maybe in 20 years when you have been married that long and see how hard and complex it is, you might feel differently and realize they were just people in a bad marriage.
I say this as someone in a similar situation as you but with 20 years behind me. I understand know how, say, not having sex for 5 years is a major issue. And how finances and kids affect choices.
Like how blowing up a marriage could destroy my kids college funds. Things like that. And I understand how affairs happen.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offering a perspective on the realities of 2 imperfect and flawed people being married. Which is all of us married people at the end of the day.

It does not matter how bad the marriage is. His father is lying to him. He asked his father for a favor and his father lied and refused to grant him a favor.

You see the marriage is over but there is still a father son relationship and the father is not honoring that relationship. This has nothing to do with the marriage. This has something to do with the father honoring his son's wishes.

His father is divorced, he is welcome to have 20 girlfriends actually, but the son does not have to invite them to his wedding.

Why can't people stand on their own 2 feet, ever.

I disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

This will only happen if the OP and his bride keep worrying about it. Nobody really cares about all this crap. Put the "plus one" invitations in the mail and don't have another conversation about it. Focus on more important things.

Not true, it makes everybody feel uncomfortable. If the father and OW had any dignity and grace the OW would just bow out gracefully. But she won't because they are selfish.

Everybody will feel uncomfortable, everybody will avoid them, it will be a show.

- caterer of weddings.

[Anonymous]

Elope. Put the money that would have gone towards the wedding into your retirement accounts or a college fund for your future children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I know this is hard to hear but they are divorced.
She is not his mistress anymore, he is free and clear to have a girlfriend.

You don't know the true story about your parents, because there is no truth.
It's just their perceptions and feelings and justifications and behaviors, and how you see that.
Maybe in 20 years when you have been married that long and see how hard and complex it is, you might feel differently and realize they were just people in a bad marriage.
I say this as someone in a similar situation as you but with 20 years behind me. I understand know how, say, not having sex for 5 years is a major issue. And how finances and kids affect choices.
Like how blowing up a marriage could destroy my kids college funds. Things like that. And I understand how affairs happen.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offering a perspective on the realities of 2 imperfect and flawed people being married. Which is all of us married people at the end of the day.

It does not matter how bad the marriage is. His father is lying to him. He asked his father for a favor and his father lied and refused to grant him a favor.

You see the marriage is over but there is still a father son relationship and the father is not honoring that relationship. This has nothing to do with the marriage. This has something to do with the father honoring his son's wishes.

His father is divorced, he is welcome to have 20 girlfriends actually, but the son does not have to invite them to his wedding.

Why can't people stand on their own 2 feet, ever.

I disagree.

We can agree to disagree. But if you lie to me, you are not invited to my wedding. Man up, admit your mistake, move on. But the lies just keep it going.

A good man chooses his son over his newest girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I know this is hard to hear but they are divorced.
She is not his mistress anymore, he is free and clear to have a girlfriend.

You don't know the true story about your parents, because there is no truth.
It's just their perceptions and feelings and justifications and behaviors, and how you see that.
Maybe in 20 years when you have been married that long and see how hard and complex it is, you might feel differently and realize they were just people in a bad marriage.
I say this as someone in a similar situation as you but with 20 years behind me. I understand know how, say, not having sex for 5 years is a major issue. And how finances and kids affect choices.
Like how blowing up a marriage could destroy my kids college funds. Things like that. And I understand how affairs happen.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offering a perspective on the realities of 2 imperfect and flawed people being married. Which is all of us married people at the end of the day.

It does not matter how bad the marriage is. His father is lying to him. He asked his father for a favor and his father lied and refused to grant him a favor.

You see the marriage is over but there is still a father son relationship and the father is not honoring that relationship. This has nothing to do with the marriage. This has something to do with the father honoring his son's wishes.

His father is divorced, he is welcome to have 20 girlfriends actually, but the son does not have to invite them to his wedding.

Why can't people stand on their own 2 feet, ever.

I disagree.

We can agree to disagree. But if you lie to me, you are not invited to my wedding. Man up, admit your mistake, move on. But the lies just keep it going.

A good man chooses his son over his newest girlfriend.

+1. Invite the father only, or tell him to go eff himself.

[Anonymous]

Let's assume you dad is telling the truth.

So your dad is blowing up his relationship with his son over somebody he has dated for 8 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

This will only happen if the OP and his bride keep worrying about it. Nobody really cares about all this crap. Put the "plus one" invitations in the mail and don't have another conversation about it. Focus on more important things.

Does anyone else get the impression that we have one or two "other women" posting on this thread?

[Anonymous]

^^^^ and cheating Hs

Of course, they want their cake ... can't we just be one big happy family. Maybe the dad, the OW and the mom can have a 3-some that night at the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

This will only happen if the OP and his bride keep worrying about it. Nobody really cares about all this crap. Put the "plus one" invitations in the mail and don't have another conversation about it. Focus on more important things.

Does anyone else get the impression that we have one or two "other women" posting on this thread?

I posted the "nobody cares" comment, and I can assure you that I am not an "other woman." Seriously, if all you people are so into blame games and finger pointing and all this nonsense, who would want you at the wedding anyway. Hell, I just attended a relative's wedding where the groom's mom showed up with her new boyfriend and his dad showed up with his new HUSBAND! And you know what? It was a blast - because NOBODY CARED!

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced shortly before I got engaged in my late 20's. My mom had an emotional affair with my dad's business partner (who was also married) and we all suspected there was something much more. She left my dad for the guy and my poor dad's business dissolved. Everyone went broke in the process. The crazy thing is the boyfriend still lived with his wife for a few years while also with my mother. He was still living with his wife when we had our wedding. I adamantly did not want him to come as I thought the situation was so messed up.

Fast forward -- we ended up having a longish engagement and my dad remarried with lightening speed. I did eventually decide to invite my mom's boyfriend to the wedding as it was important to me to have my mom there... And she needed to have him with her. I did warn all involved - many times - that any BS would not be tolerated. So what happened? The day was beautiful, everyone behaved, and I was happy to have both of my parents there, despite the emotional turmoil we'd all gone through.

That was 10 years ago and my mom is now married to that man. Both of my parents are much happier in their lives. That man I once couldn't stand is now a solid member of our family. We're even able to all get together for the holidays and kids' birthdays (it did take a few years). He has been nothing but kind and our children consider him like a grandfather. Basically, my issues were with my mom, not him. One I realized that, and the fact that he wasn't going away, I decided to welcome him into our lives. It helped a lot that at his core he's a nice guy. But it still wasn't easy. And my mom and I still have some grudges and hurts from back then. But I'm really glad I didn't hold my ground with the wedding.

In my situation, it certainly helped that my father had moved on in his life by the time of the wedding. Your situation is of course different and only you know what is best for you. But you're at the start of a new stage of life. And a line in the sand now may have repercussions down the road that may be hard to come back from. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

This will only happen if the OP and his bride keep worrying about it. Nobody really cares about all this crap. Put the "plus one" invitations in the mail and don't have another conversation about it. Focus on more important things.

Does anyone else get the impression that we have one or two "other women" posting on this thread?

I posted the "nobody cares" comment, and I can assure you that I am not an "other woman." Seriously, if all you people are so into blame games and finger pointing and all this nonsense, who would want you at the wedding anyway. Hell, I just attended a relative's wedding where the groom's mom showed up with her new boyfriend and his dad showed up with his new HUSBAND! And you know what? It was a blast - because NOBODY CARED!

Would it be okay for the dad to lie about being gay and showing up with a new husband?

No.

We are not talking about a divorce, nobody cares about divorce.

[Anonymous]

17:24 again - I should add, as this is a confusing part of the story the way I told it - the boyfriend still living with his wife was something I judged him harshly on. But it was a much more complicated situation than what I understood at the time.