Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW

[Anonymous]

Hello Dcum, I was hoping to get some perspective from other folks in the area and whether my father is being completely ridiculous or if I should compromise.
I'm a 27 yr old male and in June proposed to my fiance. I plan on getting married spring next year.

My father finalized his divorce with my mom after 23 years of marriage and a long messy divorce this winter. The short synopsis is that at the very least my father had an extended EA with the OW who is 15 years younger and much more attractive than my father. But it is mine and everyone else's opinion that a full blown affair had been under way for years. I believe my mother knew but didn't say anything as she believed my father would never divorce her.

Needless to say I do not like or trust the other woman and she is still with my father. My problem is that I adamantly do not want this woman at my wedding. But I really want my actual parents to be there and I love them both. My father has given the ultimatum that he will not attend my wedding if I do not invite his new SO/other woman even though I have directly asked him to be there without her.

I care very much about my family and want my parents there. Not only do I not want the OW there but I couldn't bring myself to ask my mother to be at my wedding around her. My father has taken this as a personal assault and picking sides.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her there and asking him to attend without her? I feel like he should want to be at my wedding no matter what.
For anyone who may have also experienced something like this how did you handle it? I really don't want to have to do an elopement.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I know that this is difficult but I really think that you should invite your dad and his girlfriend (she could be a grandma to your future kids) and your mom and let them decide whether to come. If you really hate the idea of the girlfriend that much, invite your dad alone and your mom alone. If your dad doesn't attend, that's on him. It's a painful situation, but I think your job is to try to rise above it and issue the invitations.

[Anonymous]

First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

[Anonymous]

Your father is an ass. He obviously cares more about HIS OWN feeling than he care about your feelings.

At some point in your life you have to realize that your parents are human full of flaws. You father is flawed.

You are now a man and you are going to get married, it is time to act like a grown up.

You told your father your wishes, he doesn't give a shit. So stand by you wishes and have a wedding without your father.

It's not the end of the world, it's just life, life is imperfect.

Then remember when you are older not to be a selfish ass like your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is difficult but I really think that you should invite your dad and his girlfriend (she could be a grandma to your future kids) and your mom and let them decide whether to come. If you really hate the idea of the girlfriend that much, invite your dad alone and your mom alone. If your dad doesn't attend, that's on him. It's a painful situation, but I think your job is to try to rise above it and issue the invitations.

I have nothing to do with the woman who cheated with my dad. If my dad insisted on bringing her to a family event, he would not be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is difficult but I really think that you should invite your dad and his girlfriend (she could be a grandma to your future kids) and your mom and let them decide whether to come. If you really hate the idea of the girlfriend that much, invite your dad alone and your mom alone. If your dad doesn't attend, that's on him. It's a painful situation, but I think your job is to try to rise above it and issue the invitations.

I have nothing to do with the woman who cheated with my dad. If my dad insisted on bringing her to a family event, he would not be invited.

You are responding to me...I would want my parent there more than I would want the Other Person not there. But I guess this is the sort of thing where you have to figure out where you are (I am totally against ending family relationships unless there is physical or emotional danger involved), draw your line in the sand, and deal with the consequences, whatever they are. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, you have to remember who decides on the invitations. Your neighbor doesn't, your dentist doesn't, your dad doesn't. You and your fiancé do.

I would invite your dad and mom.

I would have a frank discussion with you dad -- painful as it may be -- and tell him this woman hurts you, that you're thinking of mom's feelings too. And whoever dad spends time with is his decision, but as for that day, he'll be spending time without her.

Honestly if he can't put himself in your shoes, and agree that it makes sense, and then he doesn't attend -- I agree with above pp. it's on him.

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry.

My dad stood my younger sister up at her wedding over this kind of thing.

You need to do what will give you the most joy on your wedding and what allows you and your new wife to begin your new family on a positive and memorable note.

You will be sad if your dad stands you up on your wedding. You will be stressed and possibly angry if he brings this woman along to your wedding and makes what should be a wonderful day into an all about her event. You will worry about your mom when you should be focusing on your day. Do you want this woman in the front pew next to your dad? In wedding pictures? Do you want to stress over seating charts or just the feeling that her selfishness is once again taking away from your family's happiness.

Which is going to be harder to deal with? The sadness of him missing your wedding? Or all the bad feelings that woman will bring to your family on what should be a joyous day?

You will feel sad and rejected by your dad for years to come. But you will feel this whether or not he skips your wedding, or ruins it by bringing the affair partner along when you begged him not too.

I am sorry OP. Adult dads alreally suck with the way they are able to dump their children as soon as a new woman rolls into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is difficult but I really think that you should invite your dad and his girlfriend (she could be a grandma to your future kids) and your mom and let them decide whether to come. If you really hate the idea of the girlfriend that much, invite your dad alone and your mom alone. If your dad doesn't attend, that's on him. It's a painful situation, but I think your job is to try to rise above it and issue the invitations.

I have nothing to do with the woman who cheated with my dad. If my dad insisted on bringing her to a family event, he would not be invited.

You are responding to me...I would want my parent there more than I would want the Other Person not there. But I guess this is the sort of thing where you have to figure out where you are (I am totally against ending family relationships unless there is physical or emotional danger involved), draw your line in the sand, and deal with the consequences, whatever they are. Good luck, OP.

I don't know about OP, but my dad changed to where we are not the priority and his "girlfriend" (if you even want to call her that) is. He's been clear he'd choose her and her needs over us. He made his choice, continues to make the choice. I would not want her there and would never do that to my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

Afdair partners don't get the respect of good manners.

Their treatment should reflect their crime against the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

Afdair partners don't get the respect of good manners.

Their treatment should reflect their crime against the family.

Amen.
They don't get to sneak around, and then act like everything has been above the table and be offended.

[Anonymous]

You need to be an adult. Invite your father "plus 1" and invite your mother "plus 1." They are both adults and will deal. Seat them at separate tables, far from each other. They'll handle it maturely.

If your father wants to be an idiot and invite the new woman, let him. He'll look like an ass, and you'll look like the mature person you are.

[Anonymous]

My BIL and my sister refused to allow his father's mistress at the wedding. His father threw a big fit about it but in the end decided to show up. However, my BILs big issue with the mistress was that his dad still wouldn't admit he was seeing the woman and that it was the woman that he'd cheated on his mom with (despite the fact that the woman had called and threatened my BILs mom repeatedly so the cat was out of the bag).

The standard etiquette of wedding invites and plus 1s goes out the window when affair partners are involved. You are not obligated to invite that woman to your wedding. Bear in mind that your dad is likely to not show though. He's already proven he prioritizes his own wants over the needs of others.

[Anonymous]

It's your wedding - do what makes you comfortable. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. If you dad chooses not to show up because his mistress cannot come, he's an a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be an adult. Invite your father "plus 1" and invite your mother "plus 1." They are both adults and will deal. Seat them at separate tables, far from each other. They'll handle it maturely.

If your father wants to be an idiot and invite the new woman, let him. He'll look like an ass, and you'll look like the mature person you are.

No.

Fatyer needs to be the adult and show up to his son's wedding without the affair partner.

It is selfish and wrong for him to give this ultimatum to his son.