Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...

Spent about 4 hours with my mom last night. The good news is that she said she could handle/ was willing to handle having the OW/SO in attendance.
But as I could have imagined she doesn't want that and it would be hurtful for her. She also said that she doesn't feel like inviting my dads SO is necessarily the high road. That being said she doesn't seem to think my dad would stand me up. The one thing I was surprised about was she seemed against a destination wedding even though she did one herself. She said I had a much better chance of him attending if it was close by.

At this point I think I am just going forward with planning the wedding with my fiance issue the invites and let the chips fall where they may. I will probably make concessions down the line as I do not want to alienate myself from my father but this is my wedding. I've got a solid candidate to keep the peace between them. But If he doesn't come that's ultimately his choice. I can still have a happy wedding and enjoy it with those that want to be there.

I would listen to your mom on this one. I am assuming that the circumstances surrounding her wedding were not the same as what you are facing now? I agree with others who have suggested that perhaps a destination wedding is not a good idea given the family dynamics you have right now. A wedding in general is tough in this situation but a wedding and a vacation with two freshly-divorced people (parents or not) is a recipe for disaster. Just do something small in the local area and have yourself a hell of a honeymoon. If your mom can handle it, let your dad bring the OW and keep the celebration short.

[Anonymous]

I want to point out this is a year away....Things are still very raw right now for your Mom and You, but in a year you are both going to be in a very different place.

[Amazin]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...

Spent about 4 hours with my mom last night. The good news is that she said she could handle/ was willing to handle having the OW/SO in attendance.
But as I could have imagined she doesn't want that and it would be hurtful for her. She also said that she doesn't feel like inviting my dads SO is necessarily the high road. That being said she doesn't seem to think my dad would stand me up. The one thing I was surprised about was she seemed against a destination wedding even though she did one herself. She said I had a much better chance of him attending if it was close by.

At this point I think I am just going forward with planning the wedding with my fiance issue the invites and let the chips fall where they may. I will probably make concessions down the line as I do not want to alienate myself from my father but this is my wedding. I've got a solid candidate to keep the peace between them. But If he doesn't come that's ultimately his choice. I can still have a happy wedding and enjoy it with those that want to be there.

Sounds like your mom is, painfully, taking the high road. Follow her lead and hope that by next spring things are a bit more copacetic. Keep in mind that the wedding is about the bride, you are just an accessory! Tell both your parents that the wedding is all about the bride and that it's her day and nothing can be allowed to disrupt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father is an ass. He obviously cares more about HIS OWN feeling than he care about your feelings.

At some point in your life you have to realize that your parents are human full of flaws. You father is flawed.

You are now a man and you are going to get married, it is time to act like a grown up.

You told your father your wishes, he doesn't give a shit. So stand by you wishes and have a wedding without your father.

It's not the end of the world, it's just life, life is imperfect.

Then remember when you are older not to be a selfish ass like your father.

+1 your wedding, your rules. I think your dad is being unreasonable. If they had been divorced for a longer period of time then the scale would slowly shift to your dad being right. But that scale has not yet begun to shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your stepmom was on the scene within two months of your bio mom leaving, odds are your stepmom was once your dad's mistress.

Regardless, I think you are putting too much emotional effort into mitigating the consequences of your parents' divorce. I say this as someone who has been doing the same thing for 25 years. Stop doing it. Stop talking to your mom about how it makes her feel. Stop talking to your dad about how he should treat your mom. Let them be adults, let them hurt each other, and you focus on creating a healthy marriage with your fiancée.

You are allowed to just invite your parents. Call it "family only", but own it. Your dad may be resentful for awhile. He's allowed to be. Neither of you can have your cake and eat it too: that's part of being an adult.

And you seem to have touched on all the DCUM relationship hot buttons: cheating, divorce, adult children v. new partners, destination weddings. If you are a troll, this is exceptionally well played. Bravo!

+1

Personally, if things were this much of a mess, I wouldn't be planning on a small, destination wedding. I'd probably adjust my plans so that the happiness of my wedding day did not depend on the actions and emotions of three other people, none of whom I had any control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't sound like your family is the right group for a destination wedding. Even if OW doesn't go, you'll be on vacation with your freshly-divorced parents. Why would you want that? It's begging for more intense drama and will also make you more responsible for your devastated mom, who will be out of her element and not even have friends with her.

With a family like yours, you're better off not traveling all together.

+1

No way would I plan an intimate destination wedding with my newly divorced parents. That's just asking for drama. Plan an event that works with the family you have, not the family you wish you had.

[Anonymous]

I have been through this. My parents were married for over 25 years and he left my mom for another woman. When all was said and done I did not recognize the person he became. He told so many lies and I had absolutely no respect for him. I still loved him but that was about it. My siblings and I decided early on to take a hard line where the mistress was concerned. Not only was she not allowed at family weddings but she was banned from ALL family functions. To this day she has never even met the grandkids. No one wanted to be around his mistress and I would never ever expect my dear mom to be in the same room with her.

Dad raised all kinds of hell and made threats about not showing up. He made good on that threat early on but we held our ground. When he realized this was a permanent situation he finally stopped asking to bring his mistress around. I've heard the mistress gives dad hell every time he goes to a family function without her and they even broke up a couple of times over it. Oh well its not our problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't sound like your family is the right group for a destination wedding. Even if OW doesn't go, you'll be on vacation with your freshly-divorced parents. Why would you want that? It's begging for more intense drama and will also make you more responsible for your devastated mom, who will be out of her element and not even have friends with her.

With a family like yours, you're better off not traveling all together.

+1

No way would I plan an intimate destination wedding with my newly divorced parents. That's just asking for drama. Plan an event that works with the family you have, not the family you wish you had.

I have to agree with this. It's much easier to ask your dad to come to a local event for a few hours without his girlfriend, than it is to ask him to fly to some resort destination without her. Making it a destination event adds another layer of complexity.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but fwiw I didn't have my dad at my wedding, my grandmother boycotts for that reason, and I am not sorry about it. All the people telling you to have ushers assigned to watch them and wear them far apart and whatnot - yeah, you can do that, but this is hopefully your only wedding. It is a special day and also a stressful one, and I am strongly in the camp of only having people who are there to help you celebrate the way you want To. You don't need this drama on your special day. And these situations will come up again and again. Showing your dad you mean business will serve you in good stead. Good luck and congratulations!

[Anonymous]

So let me get this straight: Inviting the dad who cheated on the mom, if he comes by himself, to the wedding is fine--as long as he doesn't bring the woman he cheated on the mom with. Even though at this point the mom and dad are legally divorced.

What I don't really get is, if the affair partner of the dad is persona non grata, and not wanted as a wedding guest, then the dad with or without his affair partner, should also be persona non grata, since it was he who cheated on the mom, and it was he who involved the affair partner in the first place.

So this is where the logic completely fails. It seems to me, if as a matter of principle or feelings or whatever, you are going to bar the affair partner from the wedding, then you also have to bar the father who cheated, without regard to whether or not his affair partner is in attendance.

If on the other hand you say "But he's my father so I HAVE to invite him," all well and good, but then I think you lose any moral authority to bar the affair partner from the wedding assuming everyone is invited with a +1. The parents are after all DIVORCED at this time. She is no longer the affair partner, she is the former affair partner/current significant other.

The whole point of getting divorced is that it is the legal cessation of the marital relationship. They are no longer married. They need to put it behind them, and that would include acknowledging that each of the divorced partners is entitled to have a relationship with whoever suits them.

Focusing the anger and the blame on the affair partner is misplaced. Certainly she is not an admirable person for being involved with a married man, but if the real issue is that resentment and animosity still lingers for what the father did, then be upfront about that and disinvite HIM to the wedding in a straightforward manner. Then there won't be any issue about the affair partner being in attendance either.