Reply to Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents divorced shortly before I got engaged in my late 20's. My mom had an emotional affair with my dad's business partner (who was also married) and we all suspected there was something much more. She left my dad for the guy and my poor dad's business dissolved. Everyone went broke in the process. The crazy thing is the boyfriend still lived with his wife for a few years while also with my mother. He was still living with his wife when we had our wedding. I adamantly did not want him to come as I thought the situation was so messed up.

Fast forward -- we ended up having a longish engagement and my dad remarried with lightening speed. I did eventually decide to invite my mom's boyfriend to the wedding as it was important to me to have my mom there... And she needed to have him with her. I did warn all involved - many times - that any BS would not be tolerated. So what happened?  The day was beautiful, everyone behaved, and I was happy to have both of my parents there, despite the emotional turmoil we'd all gone through.

That was 10 years ago and my mom is now married to that man. Both of my parents are much happier in their lives. That man I once couldn't stand is now a solid member of our family. We're even able to all get together for the holidays and kids' birthdays (it did take a few years). He has been nothing but kind and our children consider him like a grandfather. Basically, my issues were with my mom, not him. One I realized that, and the fact that he wasn't going away, I decided to welcome him into our lives. It helped a lot that at his core he's a nice guy. But it still wasn't easy. And my mom and I still have some grudges and hurts from back then. But I'm really glad I didn't hold my ground with the wedding.

In my situation, it certainly helped that my father had moved on in his life by the time of the wedding. Your situation is of course different and only you know what is best for you. But you're at the start of a new stage of life. And a line in the sand now may have repercussions down the road that may be hard to come back from. Just my two cents. [/quote]

There is no coming back from not inviting your father and his girlfriend to the wedding. If you plan to have children you are going to be dealing with this [b]for the rest of your life. [/b]
You are essentially choosing sides in your parents' divorce and believing that your father had an affair and you are going to punish him on your mothers behalf, it's unclear whether you blame him as well for the demise of the marriage in general (you say your mom knew but looked the other way?) 
That may be the story now, and I see that most people are jumping all over your dad and calling him a liar and a cheat.

I am telling you that you don't, and will never, really know what happened in your parents' marriage.
And you probably don't want to know!
Do you really want to know that your mom withheld sex for 8 years?
That she didn't want to give up her lifestyle before divorce  so she stayed?
That they were both lonely and miserable for years and your dad made this connection until your mother agreed to a divorce once the kids were out of the house?
I'm coming from the perspective of someone who is very sorry I jumped to similar conclusions as you, saw my mother as the victim who needed to have justice, and all that goes along with that narrative, who is now 20 years into a marriage and realizing it's not black and white.
And it's not my job to police their marriage and be the judge and jury.
Your mother could be helping you, her son, by saying she is fine with it, she will be classy and hold her head up high, and don't worry about her.
It's also affecting you that you think she can't do that, and has a role in this situation as well[/quote]

Rest of their life?  :roll:

There is a 5% chance that they even stay together, there is a 65% chance they divorce if they marry.

OP... you have a 0.0325 chance that this woman will be part of the rest of your life.

Nobody cares what happened in the marriage. The ink isn't even dry. It's been &lt;1 year. Nobody should introduce a &quot;new&quot; love interest to their family &lt;6 months after a divorce.

This is a girlfriend, not wife. A girlfriend he has dated for about 8 months.

Most girlfriends (unless there is an engagement) don't get a +1 in a wedding invite.

What if he does a +1, and they break up, can dad just bring the next one?  Come on people this is a girlfriend. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics