Need help and feedback regarding wedding, father and the OW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello Dcum, I was hoping to get some perspective from other folks in the area and whether my father is being completely ridiculous or if I should compromise.
I'm a 27 yr old male and in June proposed to my fiance. I plan on getting married spring next year.

My father finalized his divorce with my mom after 23 years of marriage and a long messy divorce this winter. The short synopsis is that at the very least my father had an extended EA with the OW who is 15 years younger and much more attractive than my father. But it is mine and everyone else's opinion that a full blown affair had been under way for years. I believe my mother knew but didn't say anything as she believed my father would never divorce her.

Needless to say I do not like or trust the other woman and she is still with my father. My problem is that I adamantly do not want this woman at my wedding. But I really want my actual parents to be there and I love them both. My father has given the ultimatum that he will not attend my wedding if I do not invite his new SO/other woman even though I have directly asked him to be there without her.

I care very much about my family and want my parents there. Not only do I not want the OW there but I couldn't bring myself to ask my mother to be at my wedding around her. My father has taken this as a personal assault and picking sides.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her there and asking him to attend without her? I feel like he should want to be at my wedding no matter what.
For anyone who may have also experienced something like this how did you handle it? I really don't want to have to do an elopement.

Thanks.

I was in a similar situation when I got married--although my parents had been married 24 years when my mom reconnected with an old boyfriend and started cheating on my dad for a year before she asked for a divorce--and my mom lied about it for years, even after she and old boyfriend got married.

I told both of my parents that I wanted to limit the drama at my wedding and that their SO's were not invited. Neither of them had a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here

Cant remember who said it but whoever said that this is the first of many instances where I have to deal with this is correct.
It seems like many pp are hung up on the details of the divorce. I opted not to add to much detail about that to my first post because A: Its long and B: Like another pp has said regardless of any other reasons I personally don't want her there

So a couple things to consider. First is this will be a small wedding, less than 10 guest more than likely. I've made it clear that I only want those who have been there for my whole journey through life and those who had a profound impact on making me the man I am today. So the cost will be rather low.

To give a little more clarity on the divorce I know all the details because neither of them would shut up about it, they still don't. Nothing gets spared when you are grown and a divorce goes down. The first time I met this woman I was 11. I was with my father at his work when we stopped by OW office. I remember him telling me "she's a fox" on the way out and being weirded out by it. She's a media rep and she's always had something to gain from him. She coveted my mothers life and they would get together and commiserate about their spouses over drinks and who knows what else under the guise of business.
My dad is short fat and hairy and she's attractive enough to date someone much younger. No reasonable human being could look at them and go boy I bet she gets so wet when she thinks about him. Its ridiculous.

This woman was an integral part of my dad and moms life. They traveled, attended events and were "friends" the OW made repeated attempts to have a personal "friendship" with my mom. Even the people my dad is around in the professional world at the time would ask my mom in private "what's going on between them?" And she would shake it off. My father would tout how loyal he is and how he would never leave her because she was there before he was successful when we had nothing. But my father is the type of man to never be alone. As soon as the OW was ready to divorce my dad served papers. He didn't even tell me she was why he was doing it.

My mom is not a saint by any means, in a lot of respects she's bat shit crazy. But the way my dad carried it not just with her but with me I just couldn't respect or get behind.

The woman I refer to as my mom is my step mom. My real mother is bipolar abusive and an addict. She left us when I was six months old and two months later my step mom came on the scene. Even when my bio mom came back when I was 4 trying to be mother of the year even though she was u medicated and coked out my step mom loved me and picked up the pieces when my real mom shattered me .She gave up a lucrative career and 23 years of her life to raise me and my brother. She raised us like we were her own and at the time my dad was my age and bankrupt with 3 failed.business ventures. She earned every penny she got in the divorce and the right to be at my wedding and celebrate her son without the distractions and issues.

I know there is validity to what others are saying about me picking sides, about what is proper and not proper and that this is unlikely to change and that he has likely chosen the OW over everything. But he lied to me, he lied to my mom. He didn't even have the balls to tell me when he was going forward with the divorce or the real reason why. I ran into them in Bethesda a year ago and that's how I found out.

The reason why i am dealing with this now is because i am planning on doing a destination wedding and then roll into the honeymoon. So if elopment is what were are going to do i need to know now, and if people are going to be there we need to know now.

I appreciate all the feedback so much. I dont know what i am going to do as of yet but i do know that deep in my heart and from a moral stand point I'm not okay with the OW/new SO being there and i wouldn't be okay with asking my mom to endure that. And i know that its all i will be able to focus on when i should be focused on family and my wife to be.

I just wish he wanted to be there regardless. I couldn't fathom not wanting to be at my future children's weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is difficult but I really think that you should invite your dad and his girlfriend (she could be a grandma to your future kids) and your mom and let them decide whether to come. If you really hate the idea of the girlfriend that much, invite your dad alone and your mom alone. If your dad doesn't attend, that's on him. It's a painful situation, but I think your job is to try to rise above it and issue the invitations.

I have nothing to do with the woman who cheated with my dad. If my dad insisted on bringing her to a family event, he would not be invited.

This. Especially at this point. 20 years down the road, it may be different. But they JUST GOT DIVORCED. So, no. He has no right to ask. And I would not subject my mother to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

Afdair partners don't get the respect of good manners.

Their treatment should reflect their crime against the family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Cant remember who said it but whoever said that this is the first of many instances where I have to deal with this is correct.
It seems like many pp are hung up on the details of the divorce. I opted not to add to much detail about that to my first post because A: Its long and B: Like another pp has said regardless of any other reasons I personally don't want her there

So a couple things to consider. First is this will be a small wedding, less than 10 guest more than likely. I've made it clear that I only want those who have been there for my whole journey through life and those who had a profound impact on making me the man I am today. So the cost will be rather low.

To give a little more clarity on the divorce I know all the details because neither of them would shut up about it, they still don't. Nothing gets spared when you are grown and a divorce goes down. The first time I met this woman I was 11. I was with my father at his work when we stopped by OW office. I remember him telling me "she's a fox" on the way out and being weirded out by it. She's a media rep and she's always had something to gain from him. She coveted my mothers life and they would get together and commiserate about their spouses over drinks and who knows what else under the guise of business.
My dad is short fat and hairy and she's attractive enough to date someone much younger. No reasonable human being could look at them and go boy I bet she gets so wet when she thinks about him. Its ridiculous.

This woman was an integral part of my dad and moms life. They traveled, attended events and were "friends" the OW made repeated attempts to have a personal "friendship" with my mom. Even the people my dad is around in the professional world at the time would ask my mom in private "what's going on between them?" And she would shake it off. My father would tout how loyal he is and how he would never leave her because she was there before he was successful when we had nothing. But my father is the type of man to never be alone. As soon as the OW was ready to divorce my dad served papers. He didn't even tell me she was why he was doing it.

My mom is not a saint by any means, in a lot of respects she's bat shit crazy. But the way my dad carried it not just with her but with me I just couldn't respect or get behind.

The woman I refer to as my mom is my step mom. My real mother is bipolar abusive and an addict. She left us when I was six months old and two months later my step mom came on the scene. Even when my bio mom came back when I was 4 trying to be mother of the year even though she was u medicated and coked out my step mom loved me and picked up the pieces when my real mom shattered me .She gave up a lucrative career and 23 years of her life to raise me and my brother. She raised us like we were her own and at the time my dad was my age and bankrupt with 3 failed.business ventures. She earned every penny she got in the divorce and the right to be at my wedding and celebrate her son without the distractions and issues.

I know there is validity to what others are saying about me picking sides, about what is proper and not proper and that this is unlikely to change and that he has likely chosen the OW over everything. But he lied to me, he lied to my mom. He didn't even have the balls to tell me when he was going forward with the divorce or the real reason why. I ran into them in Bethesda a year ago and that's how I found out.

The reason why i am dealing with this now is because i am planning on doing a destination wedding and then roll into the honeymoon. So if elopment is what were are going to do i need to know now, and if people are going to be there we need to know now.

I appreciate all the feedback so much. I dont know what i am going to do as of yet but i do know that deep in my heart and from a moral stand point I'm not okay with the OW/new SO being there and i wouldn't be okay with asking my mom to endure that. And i know that its all i will be able to focus on when i should be focused on family and my wife to be.

I just wish he wanted to be there regardless. I couldn't fathom not wanting to be at my future children's weddings.

Wow - just wow. This is going to sound harsh, but you really gotta move on. A man leaves his mother and father and clings to his wife. I'd leave all this crap behind in a heartbeat. As a matter of fact, that is exactly what I did when we got married 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

How are you 27 and your parents ended their 23 year old marriage?

[Anonymous]

Ummm....dad is invited to the wedding.

Dsd is choosing to punish his son by not attending the wedding.

It is time for dad to put on his big boy panties and start understanding that his actions and his selfishness have consenquences that hurt real people, especially his son.

The only selfish one here is dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced shortly before I got engaged in my late 20's. My mom had an emotional affair with my dad's business partner (who was also married) and we all suspected there was something much more. She left my dad for the guy and my poor dad's business dissolved. Everyone went broke in the process. The crazy thing is the boyfriend still lived with his wife for a few years while also with my mother. He was still living with his wife when we had our wedding. I adamantly did not want him to come as I thought the situation was so messed up.

Fast forward -- we ended up having a longish engagement and my dad remarried with lightening speed. I did eventually decide to invite my mom's boyfriend to the wedding as it was important to me to have my mom there... And she needed to have him with her. I did warn all involved - many times - that any BS would not be tolerated. So what happened? The day was beautiful, everyone behaved, and I was happy to have both of my parents there, despite the emotional turmoil we'd all gone through.

That was 10 years ago and my mom is now married to that man. Both of my parents are much happier in their lives. That man I once couldn't stand is now a solid member of our family. We're even able to all get together for the holidays and kids' birthdays (it did take a few years). He has been nothing but kind and our children consider him like a grandfather. Basically, my issues were with my mom, not him. One I realized that, and the fact that he wasn't going away, I decided to welcome him into our lives. It helped a lot that at his core he's a nice guy. But it still wasn't easy. And my mom and I still have some grudges and hurts from back then. But I'm really glad I didn't hold my ground with the wedding.

In my situation, it certainly helped that my father had moved on in his life by the time of the wedding. Your situation is of course different and only you know what is best for you. But you're at the start of a new stage of life. And a line in the sand now may have repercussions down the road that may be hard to come back from. Just my two cents.

+1

There is no coming back from not inviting your father and his girlfriend to the wedding. If you plan to have children you are going to be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
You are essentially choosing sides in your parents' divorce and believing that your father had an affair and you are going to punish him on your mothers behalf, it's unclear whether you blame him as well for the demise of the marriage in general (you say your mom knew but looked the other way?)
That may be the story now, and I see that most people are jumping all over your dad and calling him a liar and a cheat.

I am telling you that you don't, and will never, really know what happened in your parents' marriage.
And you probably don't want to know!
Do you really want to know that your mom withheld sex for 8 years?
That she didn't want to give up her lifestyle before divorce so she stayed?
That they were both lonely and miserable for years and your dad made this connection until your mother agreed to a divorce once the kids were out of the house?
I'm coming from the perspective of someone who is very sorry I jumped to similar conclusions as you, saw my mother as the victim who needed to have justice, and all that goes along with that narrative, who is now 20 years into a marriage and realizing it's not black and white.
And it's not my job to police their marriage and be the judge and jury.
Your mother could be helping you, her son, by saying she is fine with it, she will be classy and hold her head up high, and don't worry about her.
It's also affecting you that you think she can't do that, and has a role in this situation as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you 27 and your parents ended their 23 year old marriage?

Bio mom is not in the picture, this is his step mom, but real mom.

Keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DH's sister got married, my FIL brought the OW. MIL ended up spending half the reception crying in the hallway.

OP, this is really, really tough. If I were in your shoes, I'd defer to my mom's feelings. I would not be able to enjoy my wedding if my mother was crying in the hallway. But, if your mom is the type who can ignore them and keep it together and enjoy herself, then let dad bring the OW. For me, it would just totally depend on how my mom would be.

Dad's attendance at the wedding is not an opportunity for him to provide a fancy date night to his new girlfriend.

Dad's entire role at the wedding is to be a father to his son. That is his only purpose in being there.

If he cannot choose to put his role as a parent above date night with his girlfriend, then that is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you 27 and your parents ended their 23 year old marriage?

Oh, sorry, hadn't read to page 3 yet before I posted.

Anyway, so how is your mom in all this? You talked a lot about everyone else, but never mentioned how she is emotionally.

I personally think since it is so raw, it makes sense for your father not to have the OW there. but when you said destination wedding, I don't know. Not a fan of making your ten people who have ben there for you all along also travel ofr your wedding. It it was a day, of course father should come alone. But if it's travel, etc it get s little murkier. He should, but I can see why he would not want to.

[Anonymous]

This is why divorce is bad on kids. I feel like your dad made his bed, now he has to lie in it. The consequence of his affair is that you don't want the OW around. How can you really stop him from showing up with her though? OTOH, can't everyone act like adults and get along for a couple hours? Could you give him a choice, either the OW doesn't come, or they can only attend the ceremony and not the reception or something like that? Or leave her out of the wedding pictures because no one will be smiling anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

Afdair partners don't get the respect of good manners.

Their treatment should reflect their crime against the family.

Baloney. They owe nothing to the family. Family members do (barely), and their treatment should reflect their crime against the family, if that's even a thing. They really can do what they want to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, wedding of just immediste families and close friends who have been in your lives for years at a destination?

No other woman. Parents only. No exceptions. The choice is dad's to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

Afdair partners don't get the respect of good manners.

Their treatment should reflect their crime against the family.

Baloney. They owe nothing to the family. Family members do (barely), and their treatment should reflect their crime against the family, if that's even a thing. They really can do what they want to do.

Mistresses and new girlfriends are not family and do not get included in tiny wedding celebrations.

[Anonymous]

If it's a destination wedding, I suggest you have a "fake" wedding where the dad and OW attend (just a party or rehearsal), and then have the real wedding which you don't invite them to and don't tell them it's not the real wedding. Or, tell them you're eloping so they can only attend the rehearsal. Then invite your mom to the real wedding and it's up to her whether she wants to go to the rehearsal wedding where your dad and OW will be.