Reply to Fiance oblivious to his son's issues

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

He wasn't getting to school because mom was running late all the time. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with his son. Son was embarrassed about always being late, actually. That is factual and not in dispute and everyone knows it. She put him in a school he was not supposed to be at, so she had to drive him instead of him taking the bus like he usually did (and didn't have attendance problems then), and she has two other kids and she could not get everyone dressed and ready in time to leave.

So, yes, I do think some of you are projecting. Especially those jumping to the conclusion he is special needs. Instead of just never appropriately taught how to act and social skills and what are things you shouldn't do or say in public. He's going into middle school, and [b]as far as I know, hasn't been identified by anyone at his schools as needing to be evaluated[/b]. And again, [b]if he did, they would've informed his mother [/b]who did not share that information with his father.

[/quote]

Hahahahaha.  Special needs mom here and I laughed out loud when I read the bolded.  It is clear that you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to identifying "special needs" and how school systems "identify" and "serve" those with special needs.

I really encourage you to go over to the DCUM Kids with Special Needs board and start a new thread posting what you see as your step-son's deficits and asking 1) whether or not he could have a "special need" and 2) if so, how to go about getting that "need" identified in a way that the stepson can either receive services in public school or get appropriate private therapy.

Meanwhile let me tell you a few things.  The idea that a school would voluntarily identify a child as having a special need and tell the parents (either one) is a huge laugh.  They are supposed to do this, but many, many times they do not unless the child is highly dysfunctional (meaning failing, hurting people in school, etc.) The idea of "special needs" comes from federal educational and disability legislation (primarily IDEA and Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act).  In order to be identified as "special needs" a child has to have 1) a disorder that 2) adversely impacts education and 3) necessitates special instruction (for an IEP).  For a 504 plan, the child just needs 1 and 2.

Many, many, many schools will refuse to identify or serve kids unless they are failing at school.  (This is illegal, but schools do it all the time.)  Often, even if schools have a child is failing, the school first jumps to "bad parenting" or "emotional problems" or "lack of motivation" rather than considering whether a "disorder" is causing the school problems (i.e. "creating an adverse impact").

You are engaging one of the the classic patterns of stigmatization of special needs kids -- blaming the parent first instead of examining whether a "disorder" could be behind the behavior.  You seem to think that the problem is that step-son hasn't been "taught" appropriate social behaviors.  Truthfully, most kids absorb social behaviors thru watching all of the people around them (parents, friends, school peers, teachers, etc.) and aligning their behavior.  For neurotypical kids, it really won't matter that one person in their galaxy doesn't have time to properly teach them social behavior, because they are getting the instruction implicitly in so many other ways.  So, even an over-taxed mom is unlikely to be the cause of serious social dysfunction.   But, for "special needs" kids, there is often a "disorder" getting in the way of the easy, implicit way most of the rest of us learn and use these social rules.  A "special needs" kid may need very explicit instruction on what the appropriate behavior is.  They may need practice in order to be able to do it.  And then they may need more instruction on how to recognize when a behavior is appropriate, not just what the appropriate behavior is.

Overall, your posts show red flags for the following "disorders" that the parents should explore -- high functioning autism, language disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, social pragmatic deficit or ADHD.  (BTW, the symptom of "not turning in homework" is a classic ADHD symptom, which is often blamed on the parents, as you seem to be doing.)  Your stepson could have anyone of these disorders based on your description.  It is necessary to test and rule them out before jumping to "he's fine, he's mom is the problem". Many kids go unidentified and without help and grow up thinking they are stupid or lazy instead of getting the necessary help they need.  These need to be explored by a full psyched or neuropsych exam which costs 3-5K and is often not reimbursed by insurance.  If the family can't afford that, they can ask the school to do it, but as I mentioned above, schools often refuse (illegally) unless the child is failing.  Then, even when the school does the assessment, it is often crappy or improperly interpreted so that the parent is again told there is no problem.  Read up or post on the special needs board to learn more about this type of situation.

I know many parents who have pleaded with schools to assess and serve their kids with anxiety, depression, learning disability or other "disorders," but the school system refuses.  A kid who gets a truancy letter and has had trouble turning in work/grades, is a case that should obviously be screened for "disorder" and school support via an IEP or 504 plan.  But it is rare for the school system to raise the possibility of assessment and diagnosis themselves.  Usually a parent needs to recognize and start the process.  This is even more true considering the oncoming rise to middle school.  Kids who were previously able to compensate academically or socially often decompensate and have problems in 3rd, 6th or 9th grade when academic, social and organizational expectations increase.

I am taking you concerns very seriously, OP.  It may well be that your stepson needs some help.  But, you are absolutely going in the wrong direction by blaming bioMom.  It takes tons of time to read up on various "disorders" and figure out your rights under the educational laws.  I am a smart single mom educated as a lawyer, and I have spent thousands of hours over the years on this and spent tens of thousands of dollars.  I am lucky that together with my family of origin, I have the resources and can find the time to do this.  Our BioDad has not contributed in any way.  (although, I will say, that when brought a solution that I needed him to agree to, he has never interfered....)  I meet many, many parents who don't have the time or knowledge to recognize that there may be a problem.  We can't blame parents for not knowing what they don't know.  Or for jumping to the wrong conclusion about the cause behind behaviors (as you could be doing).

Rather than blaming bioMom (she put him at a school he was not supposed to be at), why don't you ask why she is doing that and whether she needs help with driving in the AM?  Or maybe some other solution -- more money for paid school lunch so she has one less thing to do in the AM?  Getting 3 kids ready by yourself in the AM and being on time is not as easy as you think, especially when you are solely responsible for everything else.  Ask, why did she chose the special school?  Why is the older child not able to help get the younger ones ready if leaving late is a problem (perhaps it is the lack of older child's pragmatic skills...)[/quote]

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