Ladies, would you settle down with a man who wants to be a SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Nope. And I'm saying that as a wife whose husband WAS a stay at home dad for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biology isn't a double standard, its a fact. The day my husband can grow and nurse the babies my feelings on this may change.

Not about biology, it's about the equal treatment as women have said for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, and I definitely have a double standard. I wouldn't marry a man who wanted to be a SAHD, but I also wouldn't marry a man who wasn't open to me being a SAHM.

I don't see any issue with that double standard. I'm interested in political and social equality, but in my relationship, I'm interested in creating a life we both love. Fairness and equality aren't the same thing. I wanted someone who shares my values, so it would be stupid to marry someone who didn't share that double standard.

I married someone who agreed that it's equally dumb for us to have either person give up their good job to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know some parents that chose this route versus having a nanny raise their kid. It isn't that the man isn't ambitious, it is that they chose to prioritize their family and the wife happened to be the primary breadwinner. It works for them, similar to how men with stressful jobs find it helpful to have someone who takes care of the household, kids, and everything else to allow them to focus on their career. It wasn't necessarily the husbands goal in life- it just worked out that way. Both kids are well educated, well loved and amazing people.

This could be me/us. At age 25, I was a go-getter, and in a million years would not see myself as a SAHD. In the end, I married a very successful woman who made $$$. We agreed early on that it would be in our kids' best interest for a parent to be home, and it made the most sense that it was me. I will admit giving up my career was a massive adjustment, and I endured plenty of snickers, jokes, and clueless remarks (At the grocery store with the toddler, clerk looks at son: "Oh, are you having some Daddy time today?" Well, it's actually Daddy time every day, as a matter of fact...). Anyway, I was not always happy, and I have tried hard to at least keep some part-time/freelance work on the side, but I have to say it's the best thing I ever did. I strongly believe my kids, who are highly successful and at the top of the charts academically, would not be where they are without that strong parental presence at home in the early years. Sure, plenty of high-achievers have nannies, I get that. But the bottom line is we felt it was in the best interest of our kids, so we did it.

I wonder sometimes whether my wife privately resents that I don't work out of the house, or haven't shown greater ambition, or climbed some career ladder, but she has never said that and has reiterated that we are a team. She also knows she will come every night to well-behaved, loving kids and (almost always) a home-cooked meal, and that she never has to scramble if there's a snow day, or an early dismissal from school, or a kids' doctor's appointment, etc.

So to frame the original question, I never, when dating my wife, told her, "I really want to be a SAHD." After we had kids, it made the most sense, and it's worked for us, and I have loved it. I feel so sorry for those workaholics who miss out on the kids childhood. Blink and they will be grown, and you will have missed the chance. I have not missed the chance.

Does she also initiate sex most of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biology isn't a double standard, its a fact. The day my husband can grow and nurse the babies my feelings on this may change.

Not about biology, it's about the equal treatment as women have said for many years.

Tell yourself that all you want- but it wouldn't be my husband pumping for a year at his office, it would have been me. Much happier to stay home with my babies as that felt right and natural to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know some parents that chose this route versus having a nanny raise their kid. It isn't that the man isn't ambitious, it is that they chose to prioritize their family and the wife happened to be the primary breadwinner. It works for them, similar to how men with stressful jobs find it helpful to have someone who takes care of the household, kids, and everything else to allow them to focus on their career. It wasn't necessarily the husbands goal in life- it just worked out that way. Both kids are well educated, well loved and amazing people.

This could be me/us. At age 25, I was a go-getter, and in a million years would not see myself as a SAHD. In the end, I married a very successful woman who made $$$. We agreed early on that it would be in our kids' best interest for a parent to be home, and it made the most sense that it was me. I will admit giving up my career was a massive adjustment, and I endured plenty of snickers, jokes, and clueless remarks (At the grocery store with the toddler, clerk looks at son: "Oh, are you having some Daddy time today?" Well, it's actually Daddy time every day, as a matter of fact...). Anyway, I was not always happy, and I have tried hard to at least keep some part-time/freelance work on the side, but I have to say it's the best thing I ever did. I strongly believe my kids, who are highly successful and at the top of the charts academically, would not be where they are without that strong parental presence at home in the early years. Sure, plenty of high-achievers have nannies, I get that. But the bottom line is we felt it was in the best interest of our kids, so we did it.

I wonder sometimes whether my wife privately resents that I don't work out of the house, or haven't shown greater ambition, or climbed some career ladder, but she has never said that and has reiterated that we are a team. She also knows she will come every night to well-behaved, loving kids and (almost always) a home-cooked meal, and that she never has to scramble if there's a snow day, or an early dismissal from school, or a kids' doctor's appointment, etc.

So to frame the original question, I never, when dating my wife, told her, "I really want to be a SAHD." After we had kids, it made the most sense, and it's worked for us, and I have loved it. I feel so sorry for those workaholics who miss out on the kids childhood. Blink and they will be grown, and you will have missed the chance. I have not missed the chance.

Does she also initiate sex most of the time?

Let me see... Because the woman has the dominant role in the workforce, she must also be dominant in the bedroom. Because he has the more passive job, he must be more passive in the bedroom? Good grief you people crack me up.

[Anonymous]

If I made enough money? Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

I am 46 with no kids so no. I WOULD however love to have a SAHH did all the adulting and all I had to do was go to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I made enough money, sure. However, he would have to do the management of the household, all of the childcare, cook, clean, doctors appts, etc. Basically everything a SAHM does. I know several women who have husbands who are SAHDs and they are lazy bums. The wife works a full time job and then does a ton of shit at home too that her husband should be doing since he has no job.

+1 or if I was late 30s and getting desperate for kids.

I know some couples like that...you think it's the male being lazy but it's really the woman unable to let go of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, if your BF/fiancé/DH tells you he WANTS to be a SAHD, believe him. And if you are okay with that, make him define in writing what a SAHD does before you reproduce with him. I speak from experience: the awful 18 mos that my ex was working on his third MA while I worked two jobs, ran errands, cooked dinner, did laundry, 100% of HW supervision and driving to extracurriculars, and was expected to enthusiastically initiate mind-blowing girl-on-top sexy times 5-6 times a week.

So a sahm should do the same thing? Wow you are really sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biology isn't a double standard, its a fact. The day my husband can grow and nurse the babies my feelings on this may change.

Not about biology, it's about the equal treatment as women have said for many years.

Tell yourself that all you want- but it wouldn't be my husband pumping for a year at his office, it would have been me. Much happier to stay home with my babies as that felt right and natural to me.

Why do you call your children babies? Why does that sound funny to me?

[Anonymous]

Because I'm talking about nursing babies. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know some parents that chose this route versus having a nanny raise their kid. It isn't that the man isn't ambitious, it is that they chose to prioritize their family and the wife happened to be the primary breadwinner. It works for them, similar to how men with stressful jobs find it helpful to have someone who takes care of the household, kids, and everything else to allow them to focus on their career. It wasn't necessarily the husbands goal in life- it just worked out that way. Both kids are well educated, well loved and amazing people.

This could be me/us. At age 25, I was a go-getter, and in a million years would not see myself as a SAHD. In the end, I married a very successful woman who made $$$. We agreed early on that it would be in our kids' best interest for a parent to be home, and it made the most sense that it was me. I will admit giving up my career was a massive adjustment, and I endured plenty of snickers, jokes, and clueless remarks (At the grocery store with the toddler, clerk looks at son: "Oh, are you having some Daddy time today?" Well, it's actually Daddy time every day, as a matter of fact...). Anyway, I was not always happy, and I have tried hard to at least keep some part-time/freelance work on the side, but I have to say it's the best thing I ever did. I strongly believe my kids, who are highly successful and at the top of the charts academically, would not be where they are without that strong parental presence at home in the early years. Sure, plenty of high-achievers have nannies, I get that. But the bottom line is we felt it was in the best interest of our kids, so we did it.

I wonder sometimes whether my wife privately resents that I don't work out of the house, or haven't shown greater ambition, or climbed some career ladder, but she has never said that and has reiterated that we are a team. She also knows she will come every night to well-behaved, loving kids and (almost always) a home-cooked meal, and that she never has to scramble if there's a snow day, or an early dismissal from school, or a kids' doctor's appointment, etc.

So to frame the original question, I never, when dating my wife, told her, "I really want to be a SAHD." After we had kids, it made the most sense, and it's worked for us, and I have loved it. I feel so sorry for those workaholics who miss out on the kids childhood. Blink and they will be grown, and you will have missed the chance. I have not missed the chance.

Different. That is making life choices as a couple.

And no, I would never have married a man whose GOAL was to be the SAHP. But the biological urge for a man to want to care for his family, be the provider and protector I think is really there. Just like the urge to care for her family, nurture and protect her kids is there for a woman. They play out differently. That is all.

Wait, so you think women are biologically nurturing and men are biologically providing? Jesus fistfucking christ, I hope you don't consider yourself a feminist.

[Anonymous]

If I made enough money, sure. However, he would have to do the management of the household, all of the childcare, cook, clean, doctors appts, etc. Basically everything a SAHM does. I know several women who have husbands who are SAHDs and they are lazy bums. The wife works a full time job and then does a ton of shit at home too that her husband should be doing since he has no job.

1+. I would love a SAHD! Defined to include not only the childcare but also the cooking, organization and household maintenance that SAHMs traditionally do. But I would have zero desire to lose one income and add a brutal second shift to my life for a "SAHD" in name only. So I'd be pretty suspicious of some, not all, guys that expressed this desire up front. I think it would be the rare guy who would actually embrace the full SAH role and that would be 100% of my hesitancy.

[Anonymous]

Most feminists are just self-interested opportunists with no serious interest in any higher purpose. They want freedom from gender roles for themselves, but not for others.