Dating men and having them open doors...or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 30. I'm not a fan of when guys treat women like they are "precious things". Holding car doors is one of those (IMO others doors should be held by anyone for anyone). I have a lot of friends with similar thoughts. We all grew up more Northern wonder if some of these guys have dealt with more women like us and that's part of it.

OP here: Thanks for your honest, respectful reply. I agree that part of it is that many women don't like it...and guys have been criticized for such behavior.

That's kind of why I wonder if it's better to tell them you prefer it. I'm not sure.

Pp here. Yes I think it's best to tell. I imagine it is hard being a guy and not being sure what might offend someone or not. If you otherwise like a guy, I see nothing wrong with being direct and telling them that you like it when guys hold car doors. If a guy is annoyed by it, not someone you'd want to date anyways.

Now I wouldn't say this on the first date because many guys would mistake you for being high maintenance.

The other thing is that if this turns you off to the point you completely lose interest, you might need to ease up a little because you'll be eliminating otherwise very nice guys.

This. I'm 33 and talked to my first love about this many years ago. He fixed it and even would apologize initially when he would forget to. He actually thanked me for pointing it out much later in the relationship. He likes to please, but wasn't raised to be chivalrous. His father left his mom with 5 kids to raise.

I recently said something to a guy that I used to date (we're back to our usual platonic friendship). I told him that he has to start opening car doors. He's from the South so he really doesn't get a pass. He's 30. I went out with a 38yo guy recently who didn't either and just found him completely unappealing as he did not have a chivalrous bone in his body. Trite as it sounds, I can't imagine having sex with someone like this. I need to feel like the woman in the relationship or my body doesn't respond sexually to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went on a hiking date with a man when it was slippery and icy. Not once did he look back or give me a hand to make sure I was keeping up with him or if I needed help down a hill. I ghosted him after that for his lack of awareness.

Good call. That spoke volumes about what you could've expected in a relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 30. I'm not a fan of when guys treat women like they are "precious things". Holding car doors is one of those (IMO others doors should be held by anyone for anyone). I have a lot of friends with similar thoughts. We all grew up more Northern wonder if some of these guys have dealt with more women like us and that's part of it.

OP here: Thanks for your honest, respectful reply. I agree that part of it is that many women don't like it...and guys have been criticized for such behavior.

That's kind of why I wonder if it's better to tell them you prefer it. I'm not sure.

Pp here. Yes I think it's best to tell. I imagine it is hard being a guy and not being sure what might offend someone or not. If you otherwise like a guy, I see nothing wrong with being direct and telling them that you like it when guys hold car doors. If a guy is annoyed by it, not someone you'd want to date anyways.

Now I wouldn't say this on the first date because many guys would mistake you for being high maintenance.

The other thing is that if this turns you off to the point you completely lose interest, you might need to ease up a little because you'll be eliminating otherwise very nice guys.

This. I'm 33 and talked to my first love about this many years ago. He fixed it and even would apologize initially when he would forget to. He actually thanked me for pointing it out much later in the relationship. He likes to please, but wasn't raised to be chivalrous. His father left his mom with 5 kids to raise.

I recently said something to a guy that I used to date (we're back to our usual platonic friendship). I told him that he has to start opening car doors. He's from the South so he really doesn't get a pass. He's 30. I went out with a 38yo guy recently who didn't either and just found him completely unappealing as he did not have a chivalrous bone in his body. Trite as it sounds, I can't imagine having sex with someone like this. I need to feel like the woman in the relationship or my body doesn't respond sexually to someone.

Yup, I understand. I'm the same way.

One of the guys I recently told [that I prefer and respond to chivalry], and he said that I shouldn't expect that from him. I felt like ghosting him right away, but I decided to give him a fair chance, because maybe he will have many other redeeming qualities. (He's obvioisly interested in me, as he's chased me for a while.) Anyway, he's now hinting at his physical interest. All I can think of is his comment to me. ["Don't expect that from me."] I have zero interest in even kissing this guy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

I like you. Kindness and courtesy to all regardless of gender.

~the 49 year old PP.

[Anonymous]

Especially on a first date, a man should be trying to make an excellent first impression since he won't get a second opportunity to do so.

I would be turned off if he didn't open a door for me and/or let me walk in an entrance first.
(However, if he did this for me for the Ladies Room it would definitely be overkill!)

OP, you got it right, good manners should never go out of style!

[Anonymous]

So antiquated notions of chivalry, at least some notions, are in . . . and some are out.

Let's see . . .opening doors, in; walking behind your gentleman friend, out; pulling out a seat in a restaurant, in; paying for dates? in or out? Where should men walk? The street side or building side? You know it has flip-flopped. Where are we now?

Ladies . . .write a book. It gets to be too much to know what is expected and appreciated and what is not.

Oh, and what antiquated notions of lady-like behavior are still ok?

[Anonymous]

I'm a stringent feminist but am glad my DH does this for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 30. I'm not a fan of when guys treat women like they are "precious things". Holding car doors is one of those (IMO others doors should be held by anyone for anyone). I have a lot of friends with similar thoughts. We all grew up more Northern wonder if some of these guys have dealt with more women like us and that's part of it.

38 and I concur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Especially on a first date, a man should be trying to make an excellent first impression since he won't get a second opportunity to do so.

I would be turned off if he didn't open a door for me and/or let me walk in an entrance first.
(However, if he did this for me for the Ladies Room it would definitely be overkill!)

OP, you got it right, good manners should never go out of style!

Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

It is amazing the constructs people choose for attraction without objectively considering the value of the underlying construct.

It's 2016.

[Anonymous]

One guy I recently went out with treated me like I was one of his boys. He walked through doors first, barely held the door long enough for me to catch it behind him. He walked ahead of me the entire time.

Sorry, these are turn-offs. Chivalry is still appreciated, even in 2016.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

This is a disturbing thought process.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the issue is chivalry, but courtesy. If he is walking ahead then, yes, hold the door. Just like I hold the door when I am walking ahead of someone. But please don't open the car door or pull out chairs for me. I'm a grown up and can do it myself. That said, my DH does this when we're out on dates. I say, honey no need. He replies it's important to him to be a gentleman. Even though I think it's unnecessary and a little sexist, I don't think it's worth fighting over, so accept it for what it is. A thoughtful gesture. If a dating partner is thoughtful overall, that is all I ever cared about, not formal gestures like opening doors and pulling out chairs.

[Anonymous]

Wait, if the women is driving I am supposed to walk to the drivers side and open the door for her? Then go and get in the passenger side?

You women are nuts. She's driving. She hits unlock on the. At and we get in.

Good lord. No wonder you women are still single.