Dating men and having them open doors...or not.

[Anonymous]

I'm 32.
Not all that long ago I was dating.

1.Open doors yes.

2. Car door not really.

3. My chair hell no.

In my experience guys who insisted on 2 and 3 didn't share my values about how a man and woman should relate to each other as a couple.

In general I looked for a person who not just treated me well , but others too and that extended far beyond open doors.

Currently I'm pregnant and my DH has taken to helping me out of the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, if the women is driving I am supposed to walk to the drivers side and open the door for her? Then go and get in the passenger side?

You women are nuts. She's driving. She hits unlock on the. At and we get in.

Good lord. No wonder you women are still single.

I don't think you've been reading closely enough, a lot of women commenting in this thread are not single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

Given the rest of your post, does this mean only women write the thank-you notes in your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, if the women is driving I am supposed to walk to the drivers side and open the door for her? Then go and get in the passenger side?

You women are nuts. She's driving. She hits unlock on the. At and we get in.

Good lord. No wonder you women are still single.

You women huh? Yeah, you sound like a real catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, if the women is driving I am supposed to walk to the drivers side and open the door for her? Then go and get in the passenger side?

You women are nuts. She's driving. She hits unlock on the. At and we get in.

Good lord. No wonder you women are still single.

You women huh? Yeah, you sound like a real catch.

I'm sure he has his "woman" driving his ass around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

Given the rest of your post, does this mean only women write the thank-you notes in your family?

Yes. I've never met a man who writes thank you notes with the exception of for job interviews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the issue is chivalry, but courtesy. If he is walking ahead then, yes, hold the door. Just like I hold the door when I am walking ahead of someone. But please don't open the car door or pull out chairs for me. I'm a grown up and can do it myself. That said, my DH does this when we're out on dates. I say, honey no need. He replies it's important to him to be a gentleman. Even though I think it's unnecessary and a little sexist, I don't think it's worth fighting over, so accept it for what it is. A thoughtful gesture. If a dating partner is thoughtful overall, that is all I ever cared about, not formal gestures like opening doors and pulling out chairs.

To me its a courtesy issue, and not gender specific. To the OP it should be gender specific. I think she needs to tell guys she's dating this, so that she finds someone with the same values. Because it would really bug me, personally, to be treated like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

Given the rest of your post, does this mean only women write the thank-you notes in your family?

Yes. I've never met a man who writes thank you notes with the exception of for job interviews.

So if you have sons, they don't write thank-you notes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the issue is chivalry, but courtesy. If he is walking ahead then, yes, hold the door. Just like I hold the door when I am walking ahead of someone. But please don't open the car door or pull out chairs for me. I'm a grown up and can do it myself. That said, my DH does this when we're out on dates. I say, honey no need. He replies it's important to him to be a gentleman. Even though I think it's unnecessary and a little sexist, I don't think it's worth fighting over, so accept it for what it is. A thoughtful gesture. If a dating partner is thoughtful overall, that is all I ever cared about, not formal gestures like opening doors and pulling out chairs.

To me its a courtesy issue, and not gender specific. To the OP it should be gender specific. I think she needs to tell guys she's dating this, so that she finds someone with the same values. Because it would really bug me, personally, to be treated like this.

Yeah, it is a gender thing with me. I think men should treat women with a level of courtesy that goes beyond that given to his boys. I appreciate these things. You certainly don't have to do it, but I'm likely not going to be interested in you romantically.

Oh, and, for the record, I'm speaking of guys opening car doors and building doors for me. Also, I like when the guy lets me walk ahead of him. I am not that big on having my chair pulled out...usually, that feels a little awkward to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

Given the rest of your post, does this mean only women write the thank-you notes in your family?

Yes. I've never met a man who writes thank you notes with the exception of for job interviews.

So if you have sons, they don't write thank-you notes?

Of course they will. I didn't have brothers. My husband doesn't have thank you notes to write as I'm unaware of him receiving gifts from his male friends or staying at their home. If this happened he would write a thank you note.

[Anonymous]

As a chivalrous man, I hold doors for strangers all the time. If the person doesn't respond in kind with a thanks, I always respond with a "thank you" and smile as I walk away. Common courtesy goes both ways and you would be surprised how many people don't acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and I just hold building doors open for everyone. I thought this was just something that adults do.

If a passenger door for a car is locked, I'll unlock it. In the days of power locks, I'd honestly feel a bit silly walking around a car to open an unlocked door for a able-bodied adult. Maybe I would do this for my grandmother, who physically (and mentally) struggles with things that we take for granted.

As for pulling chairs out -- again, I'd feel silly doing this for an able-bodied grown-up. And you should feel silly for expecting it.

On the other hand, I'm egalitarian and agree with most feminist stances on political issues. Do you want to be treated like a helpless doll who constantly requires "special handling" or do you want to be treated as an equal?

No, but I want you to show more respect for me than a random male also trying to enter through a door. Do I want to be treated like an equal? I will never be an equal given I've been assigned the duty of giving birth and having children. The least you could do is show some appreciation. Also women are less likely to try and enter a door first if they are not giving the chance. A woman on a date with you is most likely trying to be polite and isn't going to push her way through or try and get in front of you. So that's why you should open her door - so she is able to enter through the door first.

I think all of this depends on how much you value traditions and how you were raised. I was raised in a family where we write thank you notes.

Given the rest of your post, does this mean only women write the thank-you notes in your family?

Yes. I've never met a man who writes thank you notes with the exception of for job interviews.

So if you have sons, they don't write thank-you notes?

Of course they will. I didn't have brothers. My husband doesn't have thank you notes to write as I'm unaware of him receiving gifts from his male friends or staying at their home. If this happened he would write a thank you note.

Why would he only write thank you notes for gifts from male friends? Doesn't he get things from relatives? Female friends? His wedding?

[Anonymous]

I still open doors for DW when we don't have the little ones with us. When I was dating, deal breakers were: 1. women who waited for me to open the car door. For example, if I'm loading something heavy into the trunk and the car is unlocked, don't wait at the door for me. 2. Women who told me they were feminists but also expected me to conform to some traditional gender roles/behaviors they found appealing like chivalry. Just signaled to me a woman who didn't know what she wanted. To be clear, I had no problem dating feminists, but I just expected consistency. Sort of similar to the women in this thread that posted they were just turned off by certain statements made by certain men they were dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing the constructs people choose for attraction without objectively considering the value of the underlying construct.

It's 2016.

+1. Do you want your man to also refer to you as a broad? Believe you're too silly to be given the vote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing the constructs people choose for attraction without objectively considering the value of the underlying construct.

It's 2016.

+1. Do you want your man to also refer to you as a broad? Believe you're too silly to be given the vote?

Because that's a logical leap?