How can I convince my husband to get a vasectomy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not the husband is being stubborn or immature or selfish is not the issue.

The woman asked for advice of how to convince him and all you can seem to come up with is her locking her legs tight until he caves. Can anyone think of any other way to convince him besides that?

Here is a suggestion: the husband should continue his education, or, start it. He actually does not seem too intelligent. Here are the reasons: KIDS, the cost or more kids, and, the COSTS COSTS COSTS. It seems neither wants them. They are on the same page. The DH does not want to lose his manhood - well, it seems he has survived his lobotomy just fine.

If that is still not good enough: it is quick, easy, painless, and most likely 100% covered by insurance. It will get him a nap. And it works.

It's far from painless. But children are way more painful. As are condoms.

Agree that he sounds stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who said its her job?
Who said he shouldn't be more cooperative and step-up?
Nobody's defending the chickenshit husband - yeah he needs to grow a pair, that's a given.
I'M WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE ASIDE FROM DEPRIVATION THAT COULD POSSIBLY PERSUADE THIS DUDE TO GET IT DONE!!!

No one's mentioned having him talk to a doctor to calm his fears of how painful the procedure is...
No one's mentioned having him talk to a therapist to calm his worries of losing his manhood...

All y'all just --- lol, fuck it I'm out.
Enjoy

She's his wife, not his mother. Do you need this much hand holding to do the right thing?

If I had tomophobia I probably would but fortunately I don't have that problem and VERY fortunately I'm not married to any of you so my life is golden.
Cheers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that if you aren't able to use hormonal methods and can't/don't want to have a non-hormone IUD, then you are left with either barrier methods (condoms for him or diaphragm for you) or surgical options (vasectomy for him or tubes tied for you).

The barrier methods are probably not effective enough for people who are 100% sure they don't want to have another child and who had terrible pregnancies (I completely sympathize as mine were nightmares as well). And having your tubes tied is a major surgery, much more invasive, open to complications, and has a longer recovery time than a vasectomy.

You can explain to him why the various options that out birth control in your court are not feasible for you. You can tell him that either birth control is in his court or abstinence is the answer. You don't have to make it a threat.

Another idea that he may not want to bring up or admit is that he is afraid that something will happen to you or one of your children and he will not be able to have another child. While it is true that vasectomies are reversible, it is not 100%. It may at first glance seem appalling, but it really is understandable for him to want to protect his future fertility. Would he be more open to a vasectomy if he banked his sperm first? Might be worth asking, but you have to do it in a completely accepting way.

Yeah, this may be a good idea. The sperm banking, I mean. That way it's there just in case and may make him feel a bit better.

The "less manly" argument is weird to me. I could understand not feeling virile if you can't get it up. But getting it up and not ejaculating sperm doesn't seem like a big deal to me. At least not in comparison to the other options like abstinence or condoms. (Though personally I would be ok with condoms and careful charting ... but I am not super-fertile so YMMV.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who said its her job?
Who said he shouldn't be more cooperative and step-up?
Nobody's defending the chickenshit husband - yeah he needs to grow a pair, that's a given.
I'M WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE ASIDE FROM DEPRIVATION THAT COULD POSSIBLY PERSUADE THIS DUDE TO GET IT DONE!!!

No one's mentioned having him talk to a doctor to calm his fears of how painful the procedure is...
No one's mentioned having him talk to a therapist to calm his worries of losing his manhood...

All y'all just --- lol, fuck it I'm out.
Enjoy

She's his wife, not his mother. Do you need this much hand holding to do the right thing?

If I had tomophobia I probably would but fortunately I don't have that problem and VERY fortunately I'm not married to any of you so my life is golden.
Cheers!

OP said nothing of him being afraid of the surgery. She said he feels like he'll lose his "manhood."

But nice try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1. I don't understand why men are so confused about this.

Birth control is a must. As a woman I have been in charge of BC for my entire life, time for the dude to step up.

Here's what he's "confused" about:

He thinks the problem before him is: "Both my wife and I don't want to have another baby, so one of us should be on birth control. Therefore, we need to weigh whether her being on either a pill or IUD is better or worse than me getting a vasectomy." He is then reasoning that taking a pill or having an IUD inserted seems less intrusive than having a surgical procedure done.

Here are some things he does not think are relevant to the problem:

1. The fact that his wife had a c section: He very much recognizes this was traumatic and that he owes his wife big time. What he does not recognize is that it has any direct relevance to the problem framed above, which he views as "what is the least onerous way to make sure we don't have any additional babies going forward?"

2. The fact that his wife has had to deal with birth control for her whole life: He likely is also appreciative of this, but again, he thinks the pending question is "what is least difficult going forward."

3. The fact that it is unfair that women bear more responsibility for preventing pregnancies in our patriarchal society.

Now, these may well be relevant factors to consider, but they're not what's in his head right now.

So what are OP's options?

OP could try denying sex. That would probably ultimately get the job done, but seems heavy handed, like it will cause resentment, and like it is cutting off one's nose to spite one's face. It seems to me the worst advice anyone has given so far.

OP could also try explaining that he ought consider the fact that she's made substantial sacrifices in the past related to the family's reproductive needs, such as being on birth control and bearing his children, and that its only fair going forward that he shoulder more of the load. This approach seems way better than denying sex, and he might get it. But I still wouldn't say its the best first tactic because he doesn't intuitively relate the fact that she had a c section to how they should address the particular problem at hand. He might ultimately feel like he's being asked to make a major sacrifice as a sort of apology for his wife giving birth, and ultimately want OP to recognize that sacrifice.

Finally, OP could address the problem in the way DH is framing it in his own mind. She could say: (1) you're underestimating the inconvenience to me of having an IUD; I did before and it was painful; and (2) you've overestimating the downsides of a vasectomy, and educate him on it.

The last one seems clearly worth at least attempting, before considering the other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who said its her job?
Who said he shouldn't be more cooperative and step-up?
Nobody's defending the chickenshit husband - yeah he needs to grow a pair, that's a given.
I'M WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE ASIDE FROM DEPRIVATION THAT COULD POSSIBLY PERSUADE THIS DUDE TO GET IT DONE!!!

No one's mentioned having him talk to a doctor to calm his fears of how painful the procedure is...
No one's mentioned having him talk to a therapist to calm his worries of losing his manhood...

All y'all just --- lol, fuck it I'm out.
Enjoy

She's his wife, not his mother. Do you need this much hand holding to do the right thing?

If I had tomophobia I probably would but fortunately I don't have that problem and VERY fortunately I'm not married to any of you so my life is golden.
Cheers!

OP said nothing of him being afraid of the surgery. She said he feels like he'll lose his "manhood."

But nice try.

"If I" dumb ass not "If he"
Take your time when you read it helps lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1. I don't understand why men are so confused about this.

Birth control is a must. As a woman I have been in charge of BC for my entire life, time for the dude to step up.

Here's what he's "confused" about:

He thinks the problem before him is: "Both my wife and I don't want to have another baby, so one of us should be on birth control. Therefore, we need to weigh whether her being on either a pill or IUD is better or worse than me getting a vasectomy." He is then reasoning that taking a pill or having an IUD inserted seems less intrusive than having a surgical procedure done.

Here are some things he does not think are relevant to the problem:

1. The fact that his wife had a c section: He very much recognizes this was traumatic and that he owes his wife big time. What he does not recognize is that it has any direct relevance to the problem framed above, which he views as "what is the least onerous way to make sure we don't have any additional babies going forward?"

2. The fact that his wife has had to deal with birth control for her whole life: He likely is also appreciative of this, but again, he thinks the pending question is "what is least difficult going forward."

3. The fact that it is unfair that women bear more responsibility for preventing pregnancies in our patriarchal society.

Now, these may well be relevant factors to consider, but they're not what's in his head right now.

So what are OP's options?

OP could try denying sex. That would probably ultimately get the job done, but seems heavy handed, like it will cause resentment, and like it is cutting off one's nose to spite one's face. It seems to me the worst advice anyone has given so far.

OP could also try explaining that he ought consider the fact that she's made substantial sacrifices in the past related to the family's reproductive needs, such as being on birth control and bearing his children, and that its only fair going forward that he shoulder more of the load. This approach seems way better than denying sex, and he might get it. But I still wouldn't say its the best first tactic because he doesn't intuitively relate the fact that she had a c section to how they should address the particular problem at hand. He might ultimately feel like he's being asked to make a major sacrifice as a sort of apology for his wife giving birth, and ultimately want OP to recognize that sacrifice.

Finally, OP could address the problem in the way DH is framing it in his own mind. She could say: (1) you're underestimating the inconvenience to me of having an IUD; I did before and it was painful; and (2) you've overestimating the downsides of a vasectomy, and educate him on it.

The last one seems clearly worth at least attempting, before considering the other options.

Ok so what happens if after #3 he still doesn't want to do it. Because I'm working under the assumption that the conversation that has happened between them leading up this point is more substantial than

wife: HAVE A VASECTOMY
husband: I DON'T WANNA

So if he staunchly refuses BC its just on the wife to come up with alternative birth control and continue to have sex despite literally none of her wishes being met in that scenario? Because in my world my husband understanding me and treating my wishes and desires and experiences as valid and important is a critical building block of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1000

That's swell that this reasoning persuades you, but to OP's husband its going to sound like OP is being an aggressive asshole. Its pretty well established that everyone on this thread disagrees with him, but using arguments that are persuasive only to someone who already shares your view seems like a pretty stupid tactic.

[Anonymous]

I earlier suggested she find other men they know who've had vasectomies and could talk to him about what a non-issue it is and what a complete glassbowl he's being.

Because otherwise, it's no sex. It's not being sexist, it's not even about her being responsible for birth control up until now (to me), it's that she grew and delivered two children for him, at least one surgically, and he needs a damn compelling reason why it's okay for her body to go through all that it has for their shared goals, but he won't get a minor surgical procedure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1. I don't understand why men are so confused about this.

Birth control is a must. As a woman I have been in charge of BC for my entire life, time for the dude to step up.

Here's what he's "confused" about:

He thinks the problem before him is: "Both my wife and I don't want to have another baby, so one of us should be on birth control. Therefore, we need to weigh whether her being on either a pill or IUD is better or worse than me getting a vasectomy." He is then reasoning that taking a pill or having an IUD inserted seems less intrusive than having a surgical procedure done.

Here are some things he does not think are relevant to the problem:

1. The fact that his wife had a c section: He very much recognizes this was traumatic and that he owes his wife big time. What he does not recognize is that it has any direct relevance to the problem framed above, which he views as "what is the least onerous way to make sure we don't have any additional babies going forward?"

2. The fact that his wife has had to deal with birth control for her whole life: He likely is also appreciative of this, but again, he thinks the pending question is "what is least difficult going forward."

3. The fact that it is unfair that women bear more responsibility for preventing pregnancies in our patriarchal society.

Now, these may well be relevant factors to consider, but they're not what's in his head right now.

So what are OP's options?

OP could try denying sex. That would probably ultimately get the job done, but seems heavy handed, like it will cause resentment, and like it is cutting off one's nose to spite one's face. It seems to me the worst advice anyone has given so far.

OP could also try explaining that he ought consider the fact that she's made substantial sacrifices in the past related to the family's reproductive needs, such as being on birth control and bearing his children, and that its only fair going forward that he shoulder more of the load. This approach seems way better than denying sex, and he might get it. But I still wouldn't say its the best first tactic because he doesn't intuitively relate the fact that she had a c section to how they should address the particular problem at hand. He might ultimately feel like he's being asked to make a major sacrifice as a sort of apology for his wife giving birth, and ultimately want OP to recognize that sacrifice.

Finally, OP could address the problem in the way DH is framing it in his own mind. She could say: (1) you're underestimating the inconvenience to me of having an IUD; I did before and it was painful; and (2) you've overestimating the downsides of a vasectomy, and educate him on it.

The last one seems clearly worth at least attempting, before considering the other options.

Ok so what happens if after #3 he still doesn't want to do it. Because I'm working under the assumption that the conversation that has happened between them leading up this point is more substantial than

wife: HAVE A VASECTOMY
husband: I DON'T WANNA

So if he staunchly refuses BC its just on the wife to come up with alternative birth control and continue to have sex despite literally none of her wishes being met in that scenario? Because in my world my husband understanding me and treating my wishes and desires and experiences as valid and important is a critical building block of our marriage.

Like I said, I'd try the third option and then consider the second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1000

That's swell that this reasoning persuades you, but to OP's husband its going to sound like OP is being an aggressive asshole. Its pretty well established that everyone on this thread disagrees with him, but using arguments that are persuasive only to someone who already shares your view seems like a pretty stupid tactic.

Then no sex. Not sure what else you think OP is obligated to do. Make an appointment for him? Call friends to see if they are snipped and ask them to speak to him? Leave small pro-Vasectomy pamphlets littered around the house? At some point there's a line in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who said its her job?
Who said he shouldn't be more cooperative and step-up?
Nobody's defending the chickenshit husband - yeah he needs to grow a pair, that's a given.
I'M WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE ASIDE FROM DEPRIVATION THAT COULD POSSIBLY PERSUADE THIS DUDE TO GET IT DONE!!!

No one's mentioned having him talk to a doctor to calm his fears of how painful the procedure is...
No one's mentioned having him talk to a therapist to calm his worries of losing his manhood...

All y'all just --- lol, fuck it I'm out.
Enjoy

She's his wife, not his mother. Do you need this much hand holding to do the right thing?

If I had tomophobia I probably would but fortunately I don't have that problem and VERY fortunately I'm not married to any of you so my life is golden.
Cheers!

That's great you married a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1000

That's swell that this reasoning persuades you, but to OP's husband its going to sound like OP is being an aggressive asshole. Its pretty well established that everyone on this thread disagrees with him, but using arguments that are persuasive only to someone who already shares your view seems like a pretty stupid tactic.

Then no sex. Not sure what else you think OP is obligated to do. Make an appointment for him? Call friends to see if they are snipped and ask them to speak to him? Leave small pro-Vasectomy pamphlets littered around the house? At some point there's a line in the sand.

Great, you've finally arrived at OP's question, which was "what more can she do?" That's what "deny sex" is an unhelpful response. Its the same thing as saying "I have no advice in response to your question." Why post it at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So essentially no one has any advice save for the mandate to strong arm him like a friggin mob boss into doing as he's told - yeah sounds like the makings of a wonderful loving marriage.

We'll see you in a couple months OP when you're seeking advice about divorce. Hopefully you'll get better feedback.

It's not strong arming him. It's putting him in charge of the birth control. He has 3 choices he can make: condoms, snip or no sex. The choice is his.

+1000

That's swell that this reasoning persuades you, but to OP's husband its going to sound like OP is being an aggressive asshole. Its pretty well established that everyone on this thread disagrees with him, but using arguments that are persuasive only to someone who already shares your view seems like a pretty stupid tactic.

Then no sex. Not sure what else you think OP is obligated to do. Make an appointment for him? Call friends to see if they are snipped and ask them to speak to him? Leave small pro-Vasectomy pamphlets littered around the house? At some point there's a line in the sand.

Great, you've finally arrived at OP's question, which was "what more can she do?" That's what "deny sex" is an unhelpful response. Its the same thing as saying "I have no advice in response to your question." Why post it at all?

So at some point, if all of the perfectly logical arguments that other PPs have presented here are rejected. What do you suggest? Because at some point there comes a time when it is either

1) Woman keeps taking birth control
2) Woman gets pregnant again
3) Woman withholds sex

If a woman REALLY doesn't want to do 1 and 2 what else is she supposed to do? I mean that seriously. Because as I have said a couple more times, I'm assuming OP has attempted cajoling logic already.