My husband is suicidal. I'm a mess.

[Anonymous]

Your mom can probably get a scrip for Xanax pretty easy also -- meds are easy to get for older people. yes it would cost $$ yes it is shady but he needs help without delay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't you pay the Xanax out of pocket?

Yes, we could afford it, but DH would have to call the Dr and get the prescription, which he is unwilling to do.

Part of our issue is that DH doesn't want my help. He says he wants me to support him, but for him that means just trusting whatever decision his impaired mind makes. He will not let me engage his doctor or accompany him to appointments. He refuses my suggestion of inpatient care. He and I both know I can call 911 and have him committed at any time but it's the nuclear option. I can see that the thought of being forcibly taken from our home is terrifying to him. I also strongly believe he would simply deny that he is suicidal if the police showed up.

Does your husband have a therapist and/or psychiatrist, OP? Or just a general MD prescribing his Xanax?

He started seeing a therapist 5 weeks ago and I guess this week also saw a psychiatrist. But he doesn't share the details with me so that's just my best guess.

If you feel he's suicidal you should contact his therapist/psychiatrist and let them know. They will be able to help. This is not an uncommon sort of emergency for mental health professionals. Remember, they are bound by confidentiality not to disclose to you but you're free to talk to them and should do so. They need to know your husband is having suicidal thoughts.

+1

They need to know, and they might have advise for you.

Tell DH that he needs more "support" than anyone but a professional can provide, and that you can't support him being the way he is right now, that his health crisis is breaking him and you.

And call in family help if you have it--and tell your boss you are having a family emergency.

Six months in is a rough time postpartum--getting back to work is a hard learning curve. You are vulnerable too.

[Anonymous]

All you folks saying she could call 911? Have you ever dealt with a suicidal patient? It's pointless unless they have actively attempted suicide; the put them on a 72-hr hold and then are released. Maybe, if they are not smart enough to say 'oh, I'm ok now' -- they will get 7-day hold.

But a psychic hospital is intended for acute issues, and in no way help her underlying problem. Plus, I'm sure this will cause her DH to direct anger at her for 'ruining his career' , so let's not stirr that pot.

Getting someone help only works well when you are dealing with a minor (which most mental health is really designed around) -- as a parent you CAN commit them for the duration they need.

As an adult, it's just like alcoholics -- you can't make them stop drinking , and you can't make your DH stop threatening suicide.

You need to set boundaries and not rewards his threat with attention. To some degree if he was that big a risk, as a vet, he surely has the means execute his threat.

You need to remove yourself from the situation, in a kind way and stay somewhere else and tell him when he is ready to really get help and help himself you will be there for him. But staying in this toxic mix is hurting him, yourself and your kid.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have a therapist and/or psychiatrist, OP? Or just a general MD prescribing his Xanax?


He started seeing a therapist 5 weeks ago and I guess this week also saw a psychiatrist. But he doesn't share the details with me so that's just my best guess.


If you feel he's suicidal you should contact his therapist/psychiatrist and let them know. They will be able to help. This is not an uncommon sort of emergency for mental health professionals. Remember, they are bound by confidentiality not to disclose to you but you're free to talk to them and should do so. They need to know your husband is having suicidal thoughts.

I've been where you are. I suspect your DH isn't telling you the whole truth. He either isn't seeing a therapist/psychiatrist or he's not being truthful in what's going on. Your family is in crisis because of your DH's mental health and since your DH is unwilling/unable to triage, you have to.

1. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 [phone] and ask for assistance in developing a plan
2. Contact the Mental Health Crisis Center of your jurisdiction to find out what resources they offer.
3. Find an individual counselor for yourself. You need assistance in working through this.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, calm way, way down. You are likely egging him on somewhat at this point and you need to change your own behavior right now for everyone's sake.

You are not a single mom by any means nor is there any indication that your are going to become one.

An overwhelming majority of men have a very rough transition to fatherhood. Your DH is not unique. There are thousands of DH with depression and anxiety who went through the same in the DC area and some going through it right now.

You are fully capable of taking care of a baby without your DH's input. You do not need your mom to help either.

You need to stop clinging to the happy family/involved dad fantasy you envisioned and instead go with your reality. You are not relieving your DH of parenting. Really and truly if he does not do routine infant care it doesn't make him less of your child's father.

You need to really think about if having your mom in your home is helpful/harmful. She can stay nearby and visit during the day if need be. Do not gang up on your DH. It will not help.

do whatever you can to facilitate your DH getting the script for Xanax on Monday even if it means doing it yourself. Your Dh is in crisis mode and can't not and will not make logic decisions for himself all the time right know.

Oh, good grief. A man curled up, sobbing on the dining room floor and threatening suicide is not just dealing with mere "adjustment issues". This guy needs help from a professional. And Op is not lame for feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

This idea that men have this luxury of falling apart when they become fathers is BS. That is not healthy for them and it is insulting to say that women should just suck it up, stop whining and DEAL - that is about as wrong as it gets. A baby is a huge responsibility and Op is not lame for wanting her husband to get the help he so desperately needs so that he can be there for his child AND his wife. If Op's mom is available and willing to help - LET HER! Op needs all the love and support that she can get right now. She has got an awful lot on her plate to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you folks saying she could call 911? Have you ever dealt with a suicidal patient? It's pointless unless they have actively attempted suicide; the put them on a 72-hr hold and then are released. Maybe, if they are not smart enough to say 'oh, I'm ok now' -- they will get 7-day hold.

But a psychic hospital is intended for acute issues, and in no way help her underlying problem. Plus, I'm sure this will cause her DH to direct anger at her for 'ruining his career' , so let's not stirr that pot.

Getting someone help only works well when you are dealing with a minor (which most mental health is really designed around) -- as a parent you CAN commit them for the duration they need.

As an adult, it's just like alcoholics -- you can't make them stop drinking , and you can't make your DH stop threatening suicide.

You need to set boundaries and not rewards his threat with attention. To some degree if he was that big a risk, as a vet, he surely has the means execute his threat.

You need to remove yourself from the situation, in a kind way and stay somewhere else and tell him when he is ready to really get help and help himself you will be there for him. But staying in this toxic mix is hurting him, yourself and your kid.

You are correct that they will probably only keep her DH for a couple of days, but in the meantime there's assurance he'll get looked at by a psychiatrist and started on appropriate meds (which likely won't be Xanax but rather an antidepressant or mood stabilizer). I wonder if her DH is even seeing a therapist or just met with someone one or two times -- there's an insufficiency of professional mental health care here. Hospitalization will at least be a start to getting him the help he needs. The hospital is required to have a treatment plan in place before discharging him home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In hindsight, I guess I should have called 911 today.

My mom arrived this week to help with the baby so at least we're not totally alone. She witnessed the episode today and encouraged him to go with me to the hospital but obviously that had no effect.


A few weeks ago my husband walked into the mental health facility at Fort Belevoir (he's a vet) and told them he was going to kill himself. I'm not sure why they didn't admit him then, but that's when he started weakly therapy sessions. Seems to me like they should have started meds then too. Again, I worry I'm not getting the full story. He also started attending group counseling sessions last week. I worry that it's not enough though and that he needs emergency help.

Op, two things I see here:

One, it looks like your husband is trying to get help. He did start weekly therapy and group therapy.

Two, and I am not saying this lightly: because your mother is now there, unless he is a danger to you, your mom or your baby, I would do my best to ignore him. He is responsible for himself as an adult. I believe that pestering him will make things worse. Let him wallow in his room. Respect his claim that hospitalization will hurt his security clearance.

I would not formally leave him as some posters are so quick to say but I would consider going to a hotel or something until he mellows out a bit or gets on meds that will help him. I would also contact the Ft. Belvoir mental health facility and ask why he was not put on meds. Also, let his doctor know what you are doing should you choose to go this route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you folks saying she could call 911? Have you ever dealt with a suicidal patient? It's pointless unless they have actively attempted suicide; the put them on a 72-hr hold and then are released. Maybe, if they are not smart enough to say 'oh, I'm ok now' -- they will get 7-day hold.

But a psychic hospital is intended for acute issues, and in no way help her underlying problem. Plus, I'm sure this will cause her DH to direct anger at her for 'ruining his career' , so let's not stirr that pot.

Getting someone help only works well when you are dealing with a minor (which most mental health is really designed around) -- as a parent you CAN commit them for the duration they need.

As an adult, it's just like alcoholics -- you can't make them stop drinking , and you can't make your DH stop threatening suicide.

You need to set boundaries and not rewards his threat with attention. To some degree if he was that big a risk, as a vet, he surely has the means execute his threat.

You need to remove yourself from the situation, in a kind way and stay somewhere else and tell him when he is ready to really get help and help himself you will be there for him. But staying in this toxic mix is hurting him, yourself and your kid.

I sincerely think I am alive today because my girlfriend called the police on me 15 years ago. So, let's just say I disagree with you.

(Yes, you are correct that calling the police and not later dealing with underlying issues in an appropriate manner would not be a complete solution).

[Anonymous]

OP, I work in mental health crisis services in the area. If you mentioned what jurisdiction you're in, I would be happy to find the contact info for the mobile team that works in that area. Contrary to what PPs have said, they will not always involuntarily commit. DC has a lot of services in this arena. I would personally suggest PIW in Tenleytown for your husband. You can actually just get an assessment and take it from there, but they have treatment groups that might be helpful for him going forward.

Because your husband is a vet, there are other resources available to him specifically, but I completely disagree with the posters saying to leave him alone in order to ruin his security clearance. Has he ever attempted suicide before? If so, what method and what happened? Does he have a plan now? Does he have access to lethal methods?

[Anonymous]

I clicked on this thread because I'm feeling like your husband even though I am on meds and in therapy. I don't see any point in living and maybe that's how he feels. If I were to call 911 and go that route it would just make matters worse in the long run. What I need, and find impossible to lift myself up to do, is to be with loved ones like my siblings or old friends that I never see any more. I can't reach out to them myself, I am quite alone and paralyzed by my feelings and don't want to burden them. But your husband is lucky, he has you. For him the best thing would be to go stay with his own family member or old friend for a few days, even if it means he has to take a few days off work without notice. If you can arrange this I think it would be both the most effective and gentlest solution for his immediate crisis. After that, maybe a group for recent fathers or vets. He needs caring people around him and of course you are caring but that wouldn't be enough even if you weren't dealing with a baby. I wish I could take my own advice but I'm divorced and alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I clicked on this thread because I'm feeling like your husband even though I am on meds and in therapy. I don't see any point in living and maybe that's how he feels. If I were to call 911 and go that route it would just make matters worse in the long run. What I need, and find impossible to lift myself up to do, is to be with loved ones like my siblings or old friends that I never see any more. I can't reach out to them myself, I am quite alone and paralyzed by my feelings and don't want to burden them. But your husband is lucky, he has you. For him the best thing would be to go stay with his own family member or old friend for a few days, even if it means he has to take a few days off work without notice. If you can arrange this I think it would be both the most effective and gentlest solution for his immediate crisis. After that, maybe a group for recent fathers or vets. He needs caring people around him and of course you are caring but that wouldn't be enough even if you weren't dealing with a baby. I wish I could take my own advice but I'm divorced and alone.

PP, you're not alone. I posted right above you. You can call 311 and ask to be connected to Access Help Line. Call any of the numbers that anyone has posted here. You're not alone!

[Anonymous]

10:33 here. Thanks, 10:40, but it's not going to happen. I'm not about to pick up the phone and try to explain to a stranger how I feel and why. Just can't do it. I can't even really level with my therapist though I go dutifully every week, it's just too difficult. I find myself shielding the therapist from the depth of my feeling because she's heard it all before and nothing she says and no meds can really help. I just don't belong here.

[Anonymous]

But sorry to hijack the thread, it's not about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one I can share this with, so I'm here to vent.

My husband has serious mental health issues. He's always dealt with anxiety and depression but in the last 9 months he's literally lost it. On top of that, we had a baby six months ago. I cannot devote the same amount of time or mental energy to him that I could before the baby arrived. I've tried - it's impossible. I harbor so much resentment towards him because he does nothing to help with the baby. I didn't sign up to be a single mom. His depression often manifests as anger so I don't say anything because I don't want to fight or get blamed for not being supportive. Truth is, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. My baby is at daycare 12 hours a day, my professional life is in chaos, motherhood is kicking my ass, and everyday I wonder if this is the day my husband is going to kill himself.

I think he needs to check himself into an inpatient facility but he refuses as he thinks it will hurt future job prospects by affecting his clearance. He's not currently on any medication. His doctor did write a script for Xanax this week, but because of insurance issues he won't get it for at least 2 weeks. I'm not sure why it took this long to get the script though. It makes me think DH is not telling the full story to the doc.

Today I found DH in our dining room, curled in the fetal position, crying. I demanded that we go to the hospital but he refuses. He said he didn't want to kill himself "right now" and it was just a panic attack so I should just leave him alone. Lots of arguing and yelling followed and ultimately we stayed at home. I didn't know what else to do when he refused to go.

I don't know what happens next.

No one I can share this with -- You can't go thru this alone. You MUST tell key people around you -- some family members, some friends. Pick the ones who will be sympathetic and who will help you by pitching in (babysitting, food, a night out, someone who can help out in an emergency, whatever). Your husband is struggling with mental illness; you need a support network like any other family struggling with a chronic illness. Also, educate yourself -- NAMI Family to Family class, books on PTSD and anxiety, etc.

professional life is in chaosYou also need to build a support network for yourself at work. Work people don't necessarily need to know the details, but start finding people who you help with work and who will help you back. We all feel like a new baby makes it impossible to do well at work, but do whatever you can to stabilize your work life. A baby in daycare 12 hours a day isn't ideal, but it's also not the end of the world. What would help? A closer daycare? A nanny share? A different work schedule? Focus on what you can control and let go of ideals.

always dealt with anxiety and depression -- This comment combined with others about anger, vet status, and a new baby (which often disrupts sleep enough to cause those with otherwise manageable depression to de-compensate) make your husband's case complex. He needs a good psychiatrist experienced with the full range of mood disorders and PTSD, preferably someone who is experienced with vets.

resentment towards him because he does nothing to help with the baby. I didn't sign up to be a single mom. As the ex-spouse of a bipolar parent, I understand your resentment. It sucks to not have a parenting partner, and it is worse when the parenting partner is now actually another human you feel responsible for in a parental way instead of a partner. All I can say is that you need to try to get rid of the resentment. Right now his failure to help with the baby isn't a willful choice, it is a result of illness. Would you feel as resentful if he were a cancer patient who didn't have the energy to parent? Or if he was recuperating from cardiac surgery and couldn't help? Of course not. As for not signing up to be a single mom, each parent (father or mother) signs up to be a single parent the moment the child is born, because anything could happen at any moment that would make us a single parent. Your spouse could be hit by a bus. He could drop dead of a heart attack. He could fall off a piece of exercise equipment hit his head and die of that head injury. Your spouse has been hit by mental illness, not a bus, but the effect is the same. Put on your big girl panties and stop whining about how you didn't sign up to be a single parent. You are. You can do it; many with fewer resources do.

hurt future job prospects by affecting his clearance Things have changed over the last 20 years in the security clearance process. Generally speaking, if one is honest about one's mental illness diagnosis and treatment, and one sticks to it, then it often affect clearance. But lying about it and refusing treatment actually can hurt one's clearance. Nonetheless, the facts of each individual's job responsibilities, type of secure material on the job, etc. are really important. You need advice from an attorney who is an expert in security clearance matters. Mental illness also means that a person has certain job protections under the Americans with Disabilities Act, in normal employment environments this means the employer can't fire you just because of your mental illness and has to accommodate you in some ways. But, the intersection of the different areas of the law and facts and security issues is complex. Find an attorney with security clearance experience and spend an hour or two describing your situation and getting a clear explanation of how to deal with mental illness without losing clearance. Most attorneys charge from 250-550 an hour. You can go alone or you can go with your husband. If you spend under $1000 dollars for this advice it will be money well spent in terms of what it will save you both in terms of heartache and worry about this.

It makes me think DH is not telling the full story to the doc -- The line between the mentally ill family member and supporting family members is a blurry one. PPs who say he is responsible for himself are right in some respects; we can't make our MI family member get and adhere to treatment. But your instinct that he can't make rational decisions right now is also right. Best practices in mood disorder treatment require family members to be involved in treatment because the MI person often cannot or does not report accurately on the full range of problems. You need to have contact with the doctor. Nothing prevents you from writing a letter to the doctor's office detailing your concerns. Health privacy laws do prevent doctors from providing information about a patient to family members without the patient's consent. Ask your DH to include you in the beginning of the next visit. Say that you want to do it because you want to discuss with the doctor the best way to be supportive. If you can get your foot in the door, a good doctor will be able to engineer the conversation so that the doctor gets the necessary verbal consent for you to be in contact and participate periodically.

I know this is hard. Build your support network. Focus enough on yourself personally and professionally that you have the personal energy and resources to get through this. Let go of many "should"s (clean home, husband who helps, etc.) and focus just on what needs to happen to stay stable. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

First off, calm way, way down. You are likely egging him on somewhat at this point and you need to change your own behavior right now for everyone's sake.

You are not a single mom by any means nor is there any indication that your are going to become one.

An overwhelming majority of men have a very rough transition to fatherhood. Your DH is not unique. There are thousands of DH with depression and anxiety who went through the same in the DC area and some going through it right now.

You are fully capable of taking care of a baby without your DH's input. You do not need your mom to help either.

You need to stop clinging to the happy family/involved dad fantasy you envisioned and instead go with your reality. You are not relieving your DH of parenting. Really and truly if he does not do routine infant care it doesn't make him less of your child's father.

You need to really think about if having your mom in your home is helpful/harmful. She can stay nearby and visit during the day if need be. Do not gang up on your DH. It will not help.

do whatever you can to facilitate your DH getting the script for Xanax on Monday even if it means doing it yourself. Your Dh is in crisis mode and can't not and will not make logic decisions for himself all the time right know.

Oh fer chrissake. This is not about OPs inability to care for her baby or she and her mom "ganging up" on her husband. This is not about "clinging to the happy family/involved dad fantasy" either. Her reality is that her husband has a mental illness and is suicidal. They are all in a vulnerable state. And the suicide rates among vets is quite high.

Have you ever dealt with a suicidal family member? I have. We had to help my mom commit herself to a facility when I was 15 and my brother was 17 because she thought she was going to kill herself and she didn't want me to find her dead. I am so grateful that she able to recognize that she needed help--I think if we hadn't been there though she would have done it. The fact that OP's husband started to seek help and admitted that he was going to kill himself is extremely serious. It is not adjusting to fatherhood and it is insulting and breathtakingly ignorant to lump in serious suicidal threats and major depressive disorder with adjusting to parenthood.