Reply to My husband is suicidal. I'm a mess.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]No one I can share this with[/b], so I'm here to vent.

My husband has serious mental health issues. He's [b]always dealt with anxiety and depression[/b] but in the last 9 months he's literally lost it. On top of that, we had a [b]baby six months ago.[/b] I cannot devote the same amount of time or mental energy to him that I could before the baby arrived. I've tried - it's impossible. I harbor so much [b]resentment towards him because he does nothing to help with the baby. I didn't sign up to be a single mom.[/b] His depression often manifests as anger so I don't say anything because I don't want to fight or get blamed for not being supportive. Truth is, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. My baby is at daycare 12 hours a day, my [b]professional life is in chaos[/b], motherhood is kicking my ass, and everyday I wonder if this is the day my husband is going to kill himself.

I think he needs to check himself into an inpatient facility but he refuses as he thinks it will [b] hurt future job prospects by affecting his clearance[/b]. He's not currently on any medication. His doctor did write a script for Xanax this week, but because of insurance issues he won't get it for at least 2 weeks. I'm not sure why it took this long to get the script though. [b]It makes me think DH is not telling the full story to the doc[/b].

Today I found DH in our dining room, curled in the fetal position, crying. I demanded that we go to the hospital but he refuses. He said he didn't want to kill himself "right now" and it was just a panic attack so I should just leave him alone. Lots of arguing and yelling followed and ultimately we stayed at home. I didn't know what else to do when he refused to go.

I don't know what happens next. [/quote]

[b]No one I can share this with[/b] -- You can't go thru this alone.  You MUST tell key people around you -- some family members, some friends.  Pick the ones who will be sympathetic and who will help you by pitching in (babysitting, food, a night out, someone who can help out in an emergency, whatever).  Your husband is struggling with mental illness; you need a support network like any other family struggling with a chronic illness.   Also, educate yourself -- NAMI Family to Family class, books on PTSD and anxiety, etc.

[b]professional life is in chaos[/b]You also need to build a support network for yourself at work.  Work people don't necessarily need to know the details, but start finding people who you help with work and who will help you back.  We all feel like a new baby makes it impossible to do well at work, but do whatever you can to stabilize your work life.  A baby in daycare 12 hours a day isn't ideal, but it's also not the end of the world.  What would help?  A closer daycare?  A nanny share? A different work schedule?  Focus on what you can control and let go of ideals.

[b]always dealt with anxiety and depression[/b] -- This comment combined with others about anger, vet status, and a new baby (which often disrupts sleep enough to cause those with otherwise manageable depression to de-compensate) make your husband's case complex.  He needs a good psychiatrist experienced with the full range of mood disorders and PTSD, preferably someone who is experienced with vets.

[b]resentment towards him because he does nothing to help with the baby. I didn't sign up to be a single mom.[/b]  As the ex-spouse of a bipolar parent, I understand your resentment.  It sucks to not have a parenting partner, and it is worse when the parenting partner is now actually another human you feel responsible for in a parental way instead of a partner.  All I can say is that you need to try to get rid of the resentment.  Right now his failure to help with the baby isn't a willful choice, it is a result of illness.  Would you feel as resentful if he were a cancer patient who didn't have the energy to parent?  Or if he was recuperating from cardiac surgery and couldn't help?  Of course not.  As for not signing up to be a single mom, each parent (father or mother) signs up to be a single parent the moment the child is born, because anything could happen at any moment that would make us a single parent.  Your spouse could be hit by a bus.  He could drop dead of a heart attack.  He could fall off a piece of exercise equipment hit his head and die of that head injury.  Your spouse has been hit by mental illness, not a bus, but the effect is the same.  Put on your big girl panties and stop whining about how you didn't sign up to be a single parent.  You are.  You can do it; many with fewer resources do.

[b] hurt future job prospects by affecting his clearance[/b]  Things have changed over the last 20 years in the security clearance process.  Generally speaking, if one is honest about one's mental illness diagnosis and treatment, and one sticks to it, then it often affect clearance.  But lying about it and refusing treatment actually can hurt one's clearance.  Nonetheless, the facts of each individual's job responsibilities, type of secure material on the job, etc. are really important.  You need advice from an attorney who is an expert in security clearance matters.  Mental illness also means that a person has certain job protections under the Americans with Disabilities Act, in normal employment environments this means the employer can't fire you just because of your mental illness and has to accommodate you in some ways.  But, the intersection of the different areas of the law and facts and security issues is complex.  Find an attorney with security clearance experience and spend an hour or two describing your situation and getting a clear explanation of how to deal with mental illness without losing clearance.  Most attorneys charge from 250-550 an hour.  You can go alone or you can go with your husband.  If you spend under $1000 dollars for this advice it will be money well spent in terms of what it will save you both in terms of heartache and worry about this.

[b]It makes me think DH is not telling the full story to the doc[/b] -- The line between the mentally ill family member and supporting family members is a blurry one.  PPs who say he is responsible for himself are right in some respects; we can't make our MI family member get and adhere to treatment.  But your instinct that he can't make rational decisions right now is also right.  Best practices in mood disorder treatment require family members to be involved in treatment because the MI person often cannot or does not report accurately on the full range of problems.  You need to have contact with the doctor.  Nothing prevents you from writing a letter to the doctor's office detailing your concerns.  Health privacy laws do prevent doctors from providing information about a patient to family members without the patient's consent.  Ask your DH to include you in the beginning of the next visit.  Say that you want to do it because you want to discuss with the doctor the best way to be supportive.  If you can get your foot in the door, a good doctor will be able to engineer the conversation so that the doctor gets the necessary verbal consent for you to be in contact and participate periodically.

I know this is hard.  Build your support network.  Focus enough on yourself personally and professionally that you have the personal energy and resources to get through this.  Let go of many "should"s (clean home, husband who helps, etc.) and focus just on what needs to happen to stay stable.  You can do this.[/quote]

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