Do we need to mail wedding gifts to 1st cousins? (Not attending)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same question. Except we are close to the cousin, but aren't invited (only due to the fact that I'll be 9 months pregnant on wedding date) and they didn't give us a wedding gift.

I've been debating what to do. Normally I would just send them something from their registry, but there isn't one and they're 5 years older than us. It just seems weird to send a check when we weren't invited.

They were not obliged to give you anything, like you are not obliged to give them anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just don't feel like mailing money to a virtual stranger for what I see as basically no reason. Yes, we are invited but all of them will involve plane tickets and some of them are no-kids. If we did our usual gift ($150) that would be $600 in about a 6 month period of time. Sure we can afford it, but I just don't see the point. There is no relationship. So because they added us to some arbitrary invite list I'm out $150? It could be 5 years before I see these people again and even then only likely at someone's funeral.

Again, if DH wants to buy a card, write a check, dig up their address and mail it, I won't say a word. But he won't.

I don't swear a lot, but fucking hell OP, are you being daft on purpose? You're not obliged to give a gift at all, although most people here seem to think it'd be a nice gesture for a family member. Also, no one said anything about $150 - the consensus is that $50 would be more than fine. You act like they're complete strangers, which is convenient but probably not entirely true since they're your cousins. Bottom line is, just stop being a drama queen, you've probably spent more energy in here complaining about the invite than it would have taken to buy a damn gift and be done with it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just don't feel like mailing money to a virtual stranger for what I see as basically no reason. Yes, we are invited but all of them will involve plane tickets and some of them are no-kids. If we did our usual gift ($150) that would be $600 in about a 6 month period of time. Sure we can afford it, but I just don't see the point. There is no relationship. So because they added us to some arbitrary invite list I'm out $150? It could be 5 years before I see these people again and even then only likely at someone's funeral.

Again, if DH wants to buy a card, write a check, dig up their address and mail it, I won't say a word. But he won't.

There is a relationship: they are cousins. They probably invited all their cousins, as many people do; there's nothing "arbitrary" about inviting you. You don't want to go to the weddings, fine, don't go. But don't act like you're so put-upon because your cousins are inviting you to their weddings. Send a gift, or don't. But stop acting like it's a huge imposition or so unreasonable. Just own that you are a bean-counter and don't think that they've earned a gift from you.

[Anonymous]

I would, because I love each of my 25 cousins. Some more than others. But if this is going to make you resentful, don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.

If I leave it up to DH, nothing will get done. Is it really MY personal responsibility?

Look. You are clearly bean counting here. They got two gifts and you got zero. Boo hoo. You poor poor thing. I'm going to have the same situation with most of my cousins because I'm at the older end of the spectrum. The difference is I don't care. I wanted my cousins at my wedding because I loved them. I go to their weddings if I can because I love them. If they don't invite me because the size of the wedding has gotten out of budget for them? That's OK, too.

Stop whining about the inequality weddings and gift giving and get over it.

[Anonymous]

Ask MIL/FIL if they're sending a gift, and if that gift can be from the whole family if you don't want to send your own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.
^^
But they have to "double invite" people -- it's not just your in-laws and DH, it's you, too (and potentially your kids). An invite = send a gift, even a $50 gift card to Crate and Barrel. And you shouldn't have to dig up an address. Just take 2 minutes to find the registry online, scroll to the bottom and click on gift card. The registry will have all the address information pre-populate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.

If I leave it up to DH, nothing will get done. Is it really MY personal responsibility?

The thing of this gift is more for your MIL/FIL and the extended family. It's not like a gift to a person you met through work and have no contact with now. If the inlaws are giving cash ask to have your names added to the card and give them 30. Or look up the registry and send an thing < 50. Or buy something cheap, but nice, and mail it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.

If I leave it up to DH, nothing will get done. Is it really MY personal responsibility?

Look. You are clearly bean counting here. They got two gifts and you got zero. Boo hoo. You poor poor thing. I'm going to have the same situation with most of my cousins because I'm at the older end of the spectrum. The difference is I don't care. I wanted my cousins at my wedding because I loved them. I go to their weddings if I can because I love them. If they don't invite me because the size of the wedding has gotten out of budget for them? That's OK, too.

Stop whining about the inequality weddings and gift giving and get over it.

I agree. But you as an older cousin probably got more gifts from great aunts, grandparents and maybe even great grandparents. My grandparents probably won't be around to gift or see my youngest cousins marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.
^^
But they have to "double invite" people -- it's not just your in-laws and DH, it's you, too (and potentially your kids). An invite = send a gift, even a $50 gift card to Crate and Barrel. And you shouldn't have to dig up an address. Just take 2 minutes to find the registry online, scroll to the bottom and click on gift card. The registry will have all the address information pre-populate.

OP, are you an only child of only children? Or from very small families that don't really maintain relationships with one another?

That is the only thing which makes your posts make sense. You just don't seem to understand how family manners work so you must not be very experienced with dealing with families.

Seriously. If dcum, one of the most anti family togetherness places out there is telling you to just send a gift, why on earth do you keep arguing and looking for affirmation not to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.
^^
But they have to "double invite" people -- it's not just your in-laws and DH, it's you, too (and potentially your kids). An invite = send a gift, even a $50 gift card to Crate and Barrel. And you shouldn't have to dig up an address. Just take 2 minutes to find the registry online, scroll to the bottom and click on gift card. The registry will have all the address information pre-populate.

OP, are you an only child of only children? Or from very small families that don't really maintain relationships with one another?

That is the only thing which makes your posts make sense. You just don't seem to understand how family manners work so you must not be very experienced with dealing with families.

Seriously. If dcum, one of the most anti family togetherness places out there is telling you to just send a gift, why on earth do you keep arguing and looking for affirmation not to?

OP here. Its this. I do not at all understand the dynamics at play in my husbands very large extended family. Especially because everyone is scattered all around the country - there isn't even one obvious "home" area for them - there are no phone calls, emails or family reunions. No matriarch who is the "glue" in the family. But weddings and funerals feel like command performances that all involve expensive plane tickets, hotels and days off work. I don't want to spend my limited vacation time and funds attending the wedding/funeral of someone I barely know. And my husband is not close to these people either - he just doesn't like pissing off his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't dislike them - I barely know them. Some came to our wedding as kids (not my idea - they were on MIL's list) - they didn't give a gift, their parents did. So they would essentially be collecting double gifts - from my inlaws and us, even though they/their parents only gave us 1 gift. That seems like an unfair financial burden to us when they themselves never had to spend a penny. And there are a lot of them - it adds up.
^^
But they have to "double invite" people -- it's not just your in-laws and DH, it's you, too (and potentially your kids). An invite = send a gift, even a $50 gift card to Crate and Barrel. And you shouldn't have to dig up an address. Just take 2 minutes to find the registry online, scroll to the bottom and click on gift card. The registry will have all the address information pre-populate.

OP, are you an only child of only children? Or from very small families that don't really maintain relationships with one another?

That is the only thing which makes your posts make sense. You just don't seem to understand how family manners work so you must not be very experienced with dealing with families.

Seriously. If dcum, one of the most anti family togetherness places out there is telling you to just send a gift, why on earth do you keep arguing and looking for affirmation not to?

OP here. Its this. I do not at all understand the dynamics at play in my husbands very large extended family. Especially because everyone is scattered all around the country - there isn't even one obvious "home" area for them - there are no phone calls, emails or family reunions. No matriarch who is the "glue" in the family. But weddings and funerals feel like command performances that all involve expensive plane tickets, hotels and days off work. I don't want to spend my limited vacation time and funds attending the wedding/funeral of someone I barely know. And my husband is not close to these people either - he just doesn't like pissing off his mom.

So don't go, BUT YOU ARE STILL OBLIGATED TO SEND A GIFT. Stop being so dense. You got an invitation to a wedding. Therefore, you must send a present. Period.

[Anonymous]

Our family works the same and when you get married, you must send a gift.

Send a $30 registry item.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps this would be GREAT opportunity to go and see the family? Start building bonds and develop a relationship.

DON'T be cheap, you must send a gift.
People are not going to give you an "out" because one doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

I will tell DH to do it.