Do we need to mail wedding gifts to 1st cousins? (Not attending)

[Anonymous]

DH was the first of all his many cousins to get married (12 years ago) - some of them attended our wedding as dependents of their parents and the parents signed their names on the family gift. Now they are all finally starting to get married in far flung places we are not going. Do we need to mail them gifts? We are not close/haven't seen them in years/haven't met the fiancées. My MIL/FIL are attending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was the first of all his many cousins to get married (12 years ago) - some of them attended our wedding as dependents of their parents and the parents signed their names on the family gift. Now they are all finally starting to get married in far flung places we are not going. Do we need to mail them gifts? We are not close/haven't seen them in years/haven't met the fiancées. My MIL/FIL are attending.

If they sent you an invitation, it would be polite to go on their registry to check out what's on the list. You don't have to buy the most expensive item, but I would think something around $100 would be adequate.

[Anonymous]

Sign the family card, or send a small token gift ($50 or so). Definitely don't think you need to spend $100 for relatives you don't talk to or see.

[Anonymous]

Were you invited? If you're not in each other's lives at all, just send a card.

[Anonymous]

Yes you cheapskate.

[Anonymous]

If it was me, I would. I would spend between $50-$100.

[Anonymous]

I give a gift when I attend a function. If I don't attend, then no, not usually. Just because you were invited does not mean you have to give a gift- this is why invitation lists are outrageous/ people invite family and friends they know won't come, because they want a gift.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely choose something from their registry.

[Anonymous]

You're not close to the couple marrying. If you sense that they assumed (or even hoped) you wouldn't attend (probably due to your travel expenses/travel time/travel distance), then just send a card and perhaps a token gift under $100. No gift if you get a stronger vibe that your presence isn't wished for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was me, I would. I would spend between $50-$100.

This. Id do $100 if you can afford it.]

[Anonymous]

Send wedding gift or check. 1st cousin is close family even if not to your DH.

[Anonymous]

You send them China/wherever they registered place setting.

[Anonymous]

Yes. This shouldn't even be a question. You were invited so you are obliged, and a small token ($50) is fine.

I specifically did NOT invite my first cousin once removed who I never see and who lived across the country because I didn't want it to seem like a gift grab (they would likely not come and then feel obligated to send $$). They are still salty. You can't win.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly me but I'm on the other side. Huge family with lots of first cousins. The oldest is like 15 years older than me (and many are 10-15 yrs younger) I was in her wedding as a junior bridesmaid 20 years ago. I attended her baby shower, her kids' early birthdays, etc. As their family unit became more established, they pulled away (probably naturally) from the rest of the family, as did many of the other cousins. Extended family Christmas died as people had too many in laws of their own to wrangle and schedules got more complicated. Again- all normal and I get it, but as someone who would have still loved to all get together, it did make me a little sad. Within the past few years, this cousin decided that she has too many first cousins and isn't attending any family events. I'm sure it's because she, like OP, is a bit overwhelmed at the number of gifting occasions and time obligations for people she doesn't feel close to (there is a nearly 30 year age gap between oldest and youngest cousins-- in fact, older cousins' kids are the same ages as younger cousins). When I got married, only one of my 14 cousins on my mothers side came to the wedding (which granted, required travel for them). All but 1 of the cousins on my dads side came (they also had to travel). I was very disappointed-- yes, as OP noted, I didn't technically give them my own gift when some of them got married, and "only" signed the family card, but for most of my childhood, every family event revolved around the older cousins-- graduations, etc. I've always thought it was totally shitty that the older cousins got all the attention and then peaced out of family obligations. Even though I now live across the country from my whole family and can rarely make it to the baptisms and whatnot, I send a gift every. Single. Time. I have two high school graduation cards-- with checks-- ready to be mailed as we speak.
The short answer is that if you're invited to a wedding, you send a gift. My long answer is that there are many types of gifts, not all of which are monetary, and the gift of time and attention that you may have received as an older cousin should not be discounted simply because younger cousins didn't write you a personal check. And just because you don't feel close to them doesn't mean they don't feel close to you. I bet there are friends you don't see for years but still love-- the same is true of family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. This shouldn't even be a question. You were invited so you are obliged, and a small token ($50) is fine.

I specifically did NOT invite my first cousin once removed who I never see and who lived across the country because I didn't want it to seem like a gift grab (they would likely not come and then feel obligated to send $$). They are still salty. You can't win.

You are incorrect. A gift is never required although it is traditional for these events. If you do not attend, there is even less expectation for a gift.