Do we need to mail wedding gifts to 1st cousins? (Not attending)

[Anonymous]

I have sent gifts to the cousins' weddings where we were invited, regardless of whether we were attending. Usually something off their registry.

[Anonymous]

I send a gift to my cousins even if not attending (except the cousin who gets married more frequently than I actually see her).

[Anonymous]

Yes, you need to send a gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sign the family card, or send a small token gift ($50 or so). Definitely don't think you need to spend $100 for relatives you don't talk to or see.

Silly.

She is talking about first cousins. Family. Of course you spend more on first cousins. Not as much as siblings or your best friend, but as much as you would spend on friends and certainly more than you would spend on a work collegue or a casual friend.

Why does dcum have such awful relationships witu family?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sign the family card, or send a small token gift ($50 or so). Definitely don't think you need to spend $100 for relatives you don't talk to or see.

Silly.

She is talking about first cousins. Family. Of course you spend more on first cousins. Not as much as siblings or your best friend, but as much as you would spend on friends and certainly more than you would spend on a work collegue or a casual friend.

Why does dcum have such awful relationships witu family?!?

Why do you think the worst responders are representative of the whole?

[Anonymous]

Yes, off course send a gift!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly me but I'm on the other side. Huge family with lots of first cousins. The oldest is like 15 years older than me (and many are 10-15 yrs younger) I was in her wedding as a junior bridesmaid 20 years ago. I attended her baby shower, her kids' early birthdays, etc. As their family unit became more established, they pulled away (probably naturally) from the rest of the family, as did many of the other cousins. Extended family Christmas died as people had too many in laws of their own to wrangle and schedules got more complicated. Again- all normal and I get it, but as someone who would have still loved to all get together, it did make me a little sad. Within the past few years, this cousin decided that she has too many first cousins and isn't attending any family events. I'm sure it's because she, like OP, is a bit overwhelmed at the number of gifting occasions and time obligations for people she doesn't feel close to (there is a nearly 30 year age gap between oldest and youngest cousins-- in fact, older cousins' kids are the same ages as younger cousins). When I got married, only one of my 14 cousins on my mothers side came to the wedding (which granted, required travel for them). All but 1 of the cousins on my dads side came (they also had to travel). I was very disappointed-- yes, as OP noted, I didn't technically give them my own gift when some of them got married, and "only" signed the family card, but for most of my childhood, every family event revolved around the older cousins-- graduations, etc. I've always thought it was totally shitty that the older cousins got all the attention and then peaced out of family obligations. Even though I now live across the country from my whole family and can rarely make it to the baptisms and whatnot, I send a gift every. Single. Time. I have two high school graduation cards-- with checks-- ready to be mailed as we speak.
The short answer is that if you're invited to a wedding, you send a gift. My long answer is that there are many types of gifts, not all of which are monetary, and the gift of time and attention that you may have received as an older cousin should not be discounted simply because younger cousins didn't write you a personal check. And just because you don't feel close to them doesn't mean they don't feel close to you. I bet there are friends you don't see for years but still love-- the same is true of family.

Interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing. ~NP here who will try and be more sensitive to the younger cousins now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was the first of all his many cousins to get married (12 years ago) - some of them attended our wedding as dependents of their parents and the parents signed their names on the family gift. Now they are all finally starting to get married in far flung places we are not going. Do we need to mail them gifts? We are not close/haven't seen them in years/haven't met the fiancées. My MIL/FIL are attending.

If they sent you an invitation, it would be polite to go on their registry to check out what's on the list. You don't have to buy the most expensive item, but I would think something around $100 would be adequate.

+1 Just pick something. It's an easy way to reinforce family ties.

[Anonymous]

Yes of course.
Are people this cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sign the family card, or send a small token gift ($50 or so). Definitely don't think you need to spend $100 for relatives you don't talk to or see.

Silly.

She is talking about first cousins. Family. Of course you spend more on first cousins. Not as much as siblings or your best friend, but as much as you would spend on friends and certainly more than you would spend on a work collegue or a casual friend.

Why does dcum have such awful relationships witu family?!?

OP doesn't have a relationship with the cousin at all - has never met the fiance. Why does a happenstance of birth oblige one to send a gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. This shouldn't even be a question. You were invited so you are obliged, and a small token ($50) is fine.

I specifically did NOT invite my first cousin once removed who I never see and who lived across the country because I didn't want it to seem like a gift grab (they would likely not come and then feel obligated to send $$). They are still salty. You can't win.

You are incorrect. A gift is never required although it is traditional for these events. If you do not attend, there is even less expectation for a gift.

You are in the minority.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would send a gift. I would also consider it an invitation to be closer to your DH's first cousin. Why not go and reconnect with family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was the first of all his many cousins to get married (12 years ago) - some of them attended our wedding as dependents of their parents and the parents signed their names on the family gift. Now they are all finally starting to get married in far flung places we are not going. Do we need to mail them gifts? We are not close/haven't seen them in years/haven't met the fiancées. My MIL/FIL are attending.

Send a sex gift like gift card to Victoria's secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sign the family card, or send a small token gift ($50 or so). Definitely don't think you need to spend $100 for relatives you don't talk to or see.

Silly.

She is talking about first cousins. Family. Of course you spend more on first cousins. Not as much as siblings or your best friend, but as much as you would spend on friends and certainly more than you would spend on a work collegue or a casual friend.

Why does dcum have such awful relationships witu family?!?

OP doesn't have a relationship with the cousin at all - has never met the fiance. Why does a happenstance of birth oblige one to send a gift?

The cousin came to OPs wedding. The husband at one time had enough of a relationship to his cousin to invite him to his wedding.

One, they are close family (1st cousins!) whether OP likes them or not. Two, as another poster said it is the height of callousness and bad manners to have younger, close family members come to all of one cousin's important events (weddings, graduations, First Communions, Bar Miztvahs, etc) then decide a while down the road that this same cousin's biggest milestones are not worth more than a token recognition, if that.

Do the classy, gracious thing OP. Are your kids close to your family? How would you want them to be treated by older cousins down the road, especially if your family always shows for their first birthdays, school plays, dance recitals, graduations, weddings, christenings, etc. If your kids do that for their older cousins, wouldn't it be insulting for the cousins or their spouses to later decide that any or all of your kids' major life events are just not worth bothering with?

[Anonymous]

Miss Manners says no: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2010/03/11/DI2010031103184.html

But, I would go with a $50 (or so) gift if you are financially able.

To those who disagree, to each his/her own. It is okay that we disagree. OP asked for opinions. Telling people they are the worst/not classy/etc. if they do not follow your thinking exactly and if they dare to deviate from your path is not particularly nice.