Advising men and women to stay with cheating spouses, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women cheat more than men because they can. No matter how fat, # of kids or marriages, there is always a horndog who will plow at a moments notice.

This made me laugh, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

I left my spouse in large part for this reason -- the stress of sitting on the ticking time bomb. Any day he could give me an STD I would have to live with for life. Any day he could blow another huge some of money on porn or prostitutes. Any day he could get involved with some crazy woman and drag that crazy into the lives of me and my kids. Every day I would question whether what was coming out of his mouth was the truth or a lie.

I am so glad I kicked him out. I am not crazy cat lady because I have full custody of our two kids, but our life is 1000% better without that instability even though we are poor and my career has been wrecked by the lack of a reliable parenting partner.

Had we been childless, I would have kicked him out and not looked back for a second. It's interesting how we use the pejorative "crazy cat lady" for a single woman, when the true crazy is the partnered male who tells the vast quantity of lies necessary to cheat in a relationship.

To be fair, PP didn't say crazy. She said single cat lady. It is not a perjorative, but I think people realize that humans are social animals, and lack of familial ties is perceived as negative.

If you have kids, none of this applies anyway. But there are very few women out there who are perfectly content being single cat ladies. Most women want relationships.

[Anonymous]

You are oversimplifying things OP. I've never seen a thread where anyone advises a spouse stay with a cheater no matter what. It is more nuanced in that people express cheating doesn't always have to equal divorce.

Most of us wouldn't advise someone staying with a serial cheater, but people make mistakes and can learn and grow from them. Like a PP pointed out, a lot of people are married to alcoholics, a whole different kind of abuse and dsyfunction. I wouldn't automatically divorce my husband if he started drinking more and it was becoming a problem. But if he didn't try to seek help and make changes, over time I might.

[Anonymous]

I hate that it seems always to be the DH who is the cheater. Well, that is not my experience. My DW turned out to be a serial cheater. I probably could've turned blind eye to it, but she also was verbally and physically abusive which was the real deal breaker. On the good side, I am in VA and the adultery allowed me to break away from her much quicker and to get a good settlement out our property division.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate that it seems always to be the DH who is the cheater. Well, that is not my experience. My DW turned out to be a serial cheater. I probably could've turned blind eye to it, but she also was verbally and physically abusive which was the real deal breaker. On the good side, I am in VA and the adultery allowed me to break away from her much quicker and to get a good settlement out our property division.

How are you doing now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

I left my spouse in large part for this reason -- the stress of sitting on the ticking time bomb. Any day he could give me an STD I would have to live with for life. Any day he could blow another huge some of money on porn or prostitutes. Any day he could get involved with some crazy woman and drag that crazy into the lives of me and my kids. Every day I would question whether what was coming out of his mouth was the truth or a lie.

I am so glad I kicked him out. I am not crazy cat lady because I have full custody of our two kids, but our life is 1000% better without that instability even though we are poor and my career has been wrecked by the lack of a reliable parenting partner.

Had we been childless, I would have kicked him out and not looked back for a second. It's interesting how we use the pejorative "crazy cat lady" for a single woman, when the true crazy is the partnered male who tells the vast quantity of lies necessary to cheat in a relationship.

To be fair, PP didn't say crazy. She said single cat lady. It is not a perjorative, but I think people realize that humans are social animals, and lack of familial ties is perceived as negative.

If you have kids, none of this applies anyway. But there are very few women out there who are perfectly content being single cat ladies. Most women want relationships.

It most certainly is a perjorative. A single woman can still have strong social and familial ties some don't think that "counts" ergo the whole "enjoy life with your cats" insult.

[Anonymous]

Why do I stay when DH cheated, well - he admitted it when I discovered it, is getting individual therapy for sex addiction (SA), we are going to marriage counseling, he's apologized, is trying to earn my trust back, wants our marriage to work and is seeking out why he's the way he is and why he's done what he's done, why stay other reasons - b/c we have kids and I want to tell them that I tried (if I decide later I want to divorce), b/c the devastation emotionally and financially on my kids would be horrible (what I assume). There's no black/white. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd EVER stay with a cheater, NEVER, but here I am, trying my best to forgive (not forget), to trust (probably never fully). Some of you might respond nasty that SA isn't real, but that's ok, you can believe what you want. I treat it as a drug/alcohol/food/spending addiction and want to give my spouse/marriage a fighting chance. I don't feel like I have low-self esteem, if divorced, kids/I would be ok, I'm the breadwinner. So that's my story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm #teamop on this one.

Just because you will have to make changes in your life is not good enough reason to accept infidelity in matrimony.

If you agree to remain in a marriage where your spouse has broken a very important promise & bond that were the true foundations of your marriage, then what is left that is still sacred??!

Nothing. At. All.

If you turn the other cheek + remain w/your spouse after they commit life's most betraying transgression than you automatically are settling for a life that is much less than you deserve to lead. And your spouse will never ever respect you as a person even though they claim they will. They will never see you w/the same eyes they once did. Your dignity will be completely non-existent.
As long as you stay.

I know divorce is HUGE.
It co$ts a ton, both financially as well as personally.
Standards of living go down and children may have to go back & forth regarding where they will live.

But understand this:
If you remain married to someone + continue living under one roof, you will only be settling and though no one falls out of love overnight, in time your feelings towards your spouse will erode as the years pass.

As a parent, it is our responsibility to keep things 100% authentic for our children.
To teach them by example to possess self-worth for themselves.

The best way to teach them this very necessary trait is by leading by example.

And taking a lying, cheating spouse back will send a very harmful + destructive message to them.

Because when they become adults they will continue the vicious cycle.

I just love your confidence that you know exactly what every couple has promised each other, or what the true foundation of their marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

I left my spouse in large part for this reason -- the stress of sitting on the ticking time bomb. Any day he could give me an STD I would have to live with for life. Any day he could blow another huge some of money on porn or prostitutes. Any day he could get involved with some crazy woman and drag that crazy into the lives of me and my kids. Every day I would question whether what was coming out of his mouth was the truth or a lie.

I am so glad I kicked him out. I am not crazy cat lady because I have full custody of our two kids, but our life is 1000% better without that instability even though we are poor and my career has been wrecked by the lack of a reliable parenting partner.

Had we been childless, I would have kicked him out and not looked back for a second. It's interesting how we use the pejorative "crazy cat lady" for a single woman, when the true crazy is the partnered male who tells the vast quantity of lies necessary to cheat in a relationship.

To be fair, PP didn't say crazy. She said single cat lady. It is not a perjorative, but I think people realize that humans are social animals, and lack of familial ties is perceived as negative.

If you have kids, none of this applies anyway. But there are very few women out there who are perfectly content being single cat ladies. Most women want relationships.

It most certainly is a perjorative. A single woman can still have strong social and familial ties some don't think that "counts" ergo the whole "enjoy life with your cats" insult.

Cats are a hell of a lot cuter and more enjoyable to be around then a lying, cheating jerk.

[Anonymous]

It's cheaper to keep her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:15, you have posted this before, right? Do you love your DH? Still have sex with him? Does he love you?

I don't love him romantically. He's a good guy though. I wouldn't say no if he wanted to have sex. We usually do once or twice a month. I think he does still love me, but it's complicated.

Yes, it is complicated. Are you involved with only one other person? Are kids the only reason you stay or his DH a good person but insecure or gets off on humiliation? Sorry for all the questions but your situation is fascinating.

Yes, I am involved with just one person. His wife is medically incapable of a sexual relationship. I stay for the kids, because he is a good person, and other reasons, such as I love DH's family (weird, I know ). We are compatible in many other ways. I really hope he isn't humiliated...yes, he should have been honest with me that he was overextending his normal sexual appetite because we were in the dating phase, but we're all human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:15, you have posted this before, right? Do you love your DH? Still have sex with him? Does he love you?

I don't love him romantically. He's a good guy though. I wouldn't say no if he wanted to have sex. We usually do once or twice a month. I think he does still love me, but it's complicated.

Yes, it is complicated. Are you involved with only one other person? Are kids the only reason you stay or his DH a good person but insecure or gets off on humiliation? Sorry for all the questions but your situation is fascinating.

Yes, I am involved with just one person. His wife is medically incapable of a sexual relationship. I stay for the kids, because he is a good person, and other reasons, such as I love DH's family (weird, I know ). We are compatible in many other ways. I really hope he isn't humiliated...yes, he should have been honest with me that he was overextending his normal sexual appetite because we were in the dating phase, but we're all human.

You sound so weirdly proud that you are doing this. Smug even. That is really pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do I stay when DH cheated, well - he admitted it when I discovered it, is getting individual therapy for sex addiction (SA), we are going to marriage counseling, he's apologized, is trying to earn my trust back, wants our marriage to work and is seeking out why he's the way he is and why he's done what he's done, why stay other reasons - b/c we have kids and I want to tell them that I tried (if I decide later I want to divorce), b/c the devastation emotionally and financially on my kids would be horrible (what I assume). There's no black/white. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd EVER stay with a cheater, NEVER, but here I am, trying my best to forgive (not forget), to trust (probably never fully). Some of you might respond nasty that SA isn't real, but that's ok, you can believe what you want. I treat it as a drug/alcohol/food/spending addiction and want to give my spouse/marriage a fighting chance. I don't feel like I have low-self esteem, if divorced, kids/I would be ok, I'm the breadwinner. So that's my story.

Yes, OK. That was me too. But, wait until you find out about the next affair. And, with SA it is highly likely there will be one. Understand why you stay, but hope you are planning for the divorce, because the odds are not in your favor at all.

FWIW, IME the emotional and financial devastation of divorce is equal to or less than the emotional and financial devastation of living in a marriage with a sex addict and exposing oneself and one's kids to the consequences of that. What will happen when your kids stumble over the next affair? Or you find out about the huge money spent on porn or escorts? Or you get an STD? Or the emotional lessons they learn from his lying and your willingness to accept his lies?

BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

I left my spouse in large part for this reason -- the stress of sitting on the ticking time bomb. Any day he could give me an STD I would have to live with for life. Any day he could blow another huge some of money on porn or prostitutes. Any day he could get involved with some crazy woman and drag that crazy into the lives of me and my kids. Every day I would question whether what was coming out of his mouth was the truth or a lie.

I am so glad I kicked him out. I am not crazy cat lady because I have full custody of our two kids, but our life is 1000% better without that instability even though we are poor and my career has been wrecked by the lack of a reliable parenting partner.

Had we been childless, I would have kicked him out and not looked back for a second. It's interesting how we use the pejorative "crazy cat lady" for a single woman, when the true crazy is the partnered male who tells the vast quantity of lies necessary to cheat in a relationship.

To be fair, PP didn't say crazy. She said single cat lady. It is not a perjorative, but I think people realize that humans are social animals, and lack of familial ties is perceived as negative.

If you have kids, none of this applies anyway. But there are very few women out there who are perfectly content being single cat ladies. Most women want relationships.

It most certainly is a perjorative. A single woman can still have strong social and familial ties some don't think that "counts" ergo the whole "enjoy life with your cats" insult.

Definitely pejorative. The whole premise is, "you are spoiled goods and you will never be able to attract another man; you will live alone with your cats forever. So, your choice is lonely cat lady or accepting this flawed abusive cheater."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do I stay when DH cheated, well - he admitted it when I discovered it, is getting individual therapy for sex addiction (SA), we are going to marriage counseling, he's apologized, is trying to earn my trust back, wants our marriage to work and is seeking out why he's the way he is and why he's done what he's done, why stay other reasons - b/c we have kids and I want to tell them that I tried (if I decide later I want to divorce), b/c the devastation emotionally and financially on my kids would be horrible (what I assume). There's no black/white. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd EVER stay with a cheater, NEVER, but here I am, trying my best to forgive (not forget), to trust (probably never fully). Some of you might respond nasty that SA isn't real, but that's ok, you can believe what you want. I treat it as a drug/alcohol/food/spending addiction and want to give my spouse/marriage a fighting chance. I don't feel like I have low-self esteem, if divorced, kids/I would be ok, I'm the breadwinner. So that's my story.

Yes, OK. That was me too. But, wait until you find out about the next affair. And, with SA it is highly likely there will be one. Understand why you stay, but hope you are planning for the divorce, because the odds are not in your favor at all.

FWIW, IME the emotional and financial devastation of divorce is equal to or less than the emotional and financial devastation of living in a marriage with a sex addict and exposing oneself and one's kids to the consequences of that. What will happen when your kids stumble over the next affair? Or you find out about the huge money spent on porn or escorts? Or you get an STD? Or the emotional lessons they learn from his lying and your willingness to accept his lies?

BTDT.

I don't believe in SA, either way it's a big risk of ones health. She's convinced herself this is her life, now it's normal for her and basically she's already decided to stay for whatever reason. A sad existence.