Advising men and women to stay with cheating spouses, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

I left my spouse in large part for this reason -- the stress of sitting on the ticking time bomb. Any day he could give me an STD I would have to live with for life. Any day he could blow another huge some of money on porn or prostitutes. Any day he could get involved with some crazy woman and drag that crazy into the lives of me and my kids. Every day I would question whether what was coming out of his mouth was the truth or a lie.

I am so glad I kicked him out. I am not crazy cat lady because I have full custody of our two kids, but our life is 1000% better without that instability even though we are poor and my career has been wrecked by the lack of a reliable parenting partner.

Had we been childless, I would have kicked him out and not looked back for a second. It's interesting how we use the pejorative "crazy cat lady" for a single woman, when the true crazy is the partnered male who tells the vast quantity of lies necessary to cheat in a relationship.

To be fair, PP didn't say crazy. She said single cat lady. It is not a perjorative, but I think people realize that humans are social animals, and lack of familial ties is perceived as negative.

If you have kids, none of this applies anyway. But there are very few women out there who are perfectly content being single cat ladies. Most women want relationships.

It most certainly is a perjorative. A single woman can still have strong social and familial ties some don't think that "counts" ergo the whole "enjoy life with your cats" insult.

Definitely pejorative. The whole premise is, "you are spoiled goods and you will never be able to attract another man; you will live alone with your cats forever. So, your choice is lonely cat lady or accepting this flawed abusive cheater."

Most single people I know have busy for-filling lives. Some have pets, some don't and many travel...too many stereotyping on here. Many I know don't want another man, they are happier now then ever.

[Anonymous]

I have a real problem with "flawed abusive cheater." I know it's wrong but I hate defining personage by flaws.

[Anonymous]

Would one incident of cheating end my marriage? Hard to say but the basic trust would be dropped to such a low level as to make the marriage numb. It's. just sex? Perhaps and I can see that monogamy is difficult, but I would like to at least have a conversation about it before someone sneaks off to have it with another person.

Stay or go? Very individualistic decision. But as a lot of posters have mentioned, life is more complex than meets the eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would one incident of cheating end my marriage? Hard to say but the basic trust would be dropped to such a low level as to make the marriage numb. It's. just sex? Perhaps and I can see that monogamy is difficult, but I would like to at least have a conversation about it before someone sneaks off to have it with another person.

Stay or go? Very individualistic decision. But as a lot of posters have mentioned, life is more complex than meets the eye.

That's true especially with young kids, and financial realities. If I chose to stay I would put on a great acting job, and I wouldn't ever care for that person again.

[Anonymous]

I choose to stay. DH chooses to stay. 2 kids. 18-yr marriage. It is a very good acting job, and I don't know if we can sustain it. It is challenging, to say the least.

[Anonymous]

I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

Make sure you pass on these same home lessons to your children. Your daughter will be with a cheating husband and your response will be "hunny he pays the bills, your nice lifestyle, you have kids .. so what if he is cheating. 1
Or 2 STDs won't kill you..now suck it up, suppress your emotions and stay with him.
You are fortunate to marry such a wonderful man ".
The ideal recipient for the greatest mother of year award

[Anonymous]

In the middle of a divorce, because of cheating.

A few factors went into my decision to file:
1) Spouse was/is self-proclaimed perfect example of a family-oriented person and faithful spouse.
2) Denied when confronted with hard evidence (which seems common) but even when given time, did not confess or promise to change
3) At beginning of marriage, spouse made it 110% clear that if I cheated, the marriage would be over. So why shouldn't I hold spouse to the same standard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a marriage with someone that you can not trust would mean having the potential for catastrophe looming over your head at any time...you've just turned a blind eye to it and chose to bury your head.

I agree that single cat lady sounds better than sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to explode.

I think not.

If anybody has personal experience with both and cares to chime in, I'm all ears.

I left my spouse in large part for this reason -- the stress of sitting on the ticking time bomb. Any day he could give me an STD I would have to live with for life. Any day he could blow another huge some of money on porn or prostitutes. Any day he could get involved with some crazy woman and drag that crazy into the lives of me and my kids. Every day I would question whether what was coming out of his mouth was the truth or a lie.

I am so glad I kicked him out. I am not crazy cat lady because I have full custody of our two kids, but our life is 1000% better without that instability even though we are poor and my career has been wrecked by the lack of a reliable parenting partner.

Had we been childless, I would have kicked him out and not looked back for a second. It's interesting how we use the pejorative "crazy cat lady" for a single woman, when the true crazy is the partnered male who tells the vast quantity of lies necessary to cheat in a relationship.

To be fair, PP didn't say crazy. She said single cat lady. It is not a perjorative, but I think people realize that humans are social animals, and lack of familial ties is perceived as negative.

If you have kids, none of this applies anyway. But there are very few women out there who are perfectly content being single cat ladies. Most women want relationships.

It most certainly is a perjorative. A single woman can still have strong social and familial ties some don't think that "counts" ergo the whole "enjoy life with your cats" insult.

Definitely pejorative. The whole premise is, "you are spoiled goods and you will never be able to attract another man; you will live alone with your cats forever. So, your choice is lonely cat lady or accepting this flawed abusive cheater."

I was a single cat lady at one point with housemates, a job that paid the bills and a fun dating life. That was much better than being engaged to a jerk that I couldn't trust. Much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the middle of a divorce, because of cheating.

A few factors went into my decision to file:
1) Spouse was/is self-proclaimed perfect example of a family-oriented person and faithful spouse.
2) Denied when confronted with hard evidence (which seems common) but even when given time, did not confess or promise to change
3) At beginning of marriage, spouse made it 110% clear that if I cheated, the marriage would be over. So why shouldn't I hold spouse to the same standard?

Mine did this. I'm staying with him for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

Make sure you pass on these same home lessons to your children. Your daughter will be with a cheating husband and your response will be "hunny he pays the bills, your nice lifestyle, you have kids .. so what if he is cheating. 1
Or 2 STDs won't kill you..now suck it up, suppress your emotions and stay with him.
You are fortunate to marry such a wonderful man ".
The ideal recipient for the greatest mother of year award

I am going to guess that she doesn't tell her daughter that her husband cheated, and so in her daughter's mind, this continues to be something that married people simply do not do.
However, I am going to guess that the people who divorce make sure that their kids know that their spouse cheated. So, this is something that people do. The kids MIGHT even like the cheating parent better, and go on to think that this is something that even good people do.
Which of these families do you really think is teaching their kids that "sometimes people cheat," or "sometimes wonderful men cheat?"

I am not saying that it is always better to stay with someone. I actually like the reference to alcoholism earlier in the thread. If someone is an alcoholic, but they quit drinking and are committed to sobriety and you have kids, then you stay with them. If someone is an alcoholic and they are continuing to drink, then you leave. Same deal with cheating.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is cheating, people ! No amount of money will keep me stay married to a cheater. My soul is not for sale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

Make sure you pass on these same home lessons to your children. Your daughter will be with a cheating husband and your response will be "hunny he pays the bills, your nice lifestyle, you have kids .. so what if he is cheating. 1
Or 2 STDs won't kill you..now suck it up, suppress your emotions and stay with him.
You are fortunate to marry such a wonderful man ".
The ideal recipient for the greatest mother of year award

I had the totally opposite reaction to this PP, the lesson I want to pass on to my children is that a family is a family though thick and thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

Make sure you pass on these same home lessons to your children. Your daughter will be with a cheating husband and your response will be "hunny he pays the bills, your nice lifestyle, you have kids .. so what if he is cheating. 1
Or 2 STDs won't kill you..now suck it up, suppress your emotions and stay with him.
You are fortunate to marry such a wonderful man ".
The ideal recipient for the greatest mother of year award

You don't get to tell other people how to feel. I wouldn't feel any particular emotion to suppress. What you don't understand is that for some people, there are wives (and husbands), and then there are nonwives (and nonhusbands). One does not infringe on the other. I've said it upthread - don't presume to know what other marriages are like, and what other people have promised to each other. I would be much angrier with my DH if he spent money without permission or started ignoring the children or became an asshole otherwise. That would be actual dereliction of duty. But one can be a perfectly dutiful spouse, and occasionally get your jollies elsewhere. And because DH and I come from the same culture, we both understand: marriage is for life, being a parent is for life, building a foundation together and uniting families is for life. A fuck or two...is a blip. For both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

I feel the same, and frankly, I am surprised most people don't feel the same.