Advising men and women to stay with cheating spouses, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

I feel the same, and frankly, I am surprised most people don't feel the same.

So not quite an open marriage but an occasional tryst is agreeable? Easier said than done. Maybe works for 10% of couples.

[Anonymous]

You can't assume that cheating carries the same weight and meanin for everyone- that is how you get some people who view it as no big deal and others who would be devastated. Now, if you are in the devasted camp and you choose to stay, it sounds like a choice between the lesser of two evils. Instead of judging what they choose to do I feel bad for them, what a terrible position to be put in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

I feel the same, and frankly, I am surprised most people don't feel the same.

So not quite an open marriage but an occasional tryst is agreeable? Easier said than done. Maybe works for 10% of couples.

I love when people just pull numbers out of their butt. You have no idea what goes on in other people's marriages. I'm with PP. I have a nice life and so do my kids. If my husband has a one night stand I'm going to be irritated and pissed but enough to cleave my life in two and lose 50% of my time with my kids and have to move to a less desirable neighborhood and have less money? Dream on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

I feel the same, and frankly, I am surprised most people don't feel the same.

So not quite an open marriage but an occasional tryst is agreeable? Easier said than done. Maybe works for 10% of couples.

I love when people just pull numbers out of their butt. You have no idea what goes on in other people's marriages. I'm with PP. I have a nice life and so do my kids. If my husband has a one night stand I'm going to be irritated and pissed but enough to cleave my life in two and lose 50% of my time with my kids and have to move to a less desirable neighborhood and have less money? Dream on!

+1 to all of this

[Anonymous]

Pp here if anything I'm more apt to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if that's how he wants things to be, I might just not rebuff the next guy who hits on me by saying "Thanks, I'm flattered but I'm married." I actually think if an agreement like that could be reached between spouses that occasionally each one has a dalliance if they want but the family unit remains the main priority, it could actually make for a pretty nice setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm #teamop on this one.

Just because you will have to make changes in your life is not good enough reason to accept infidelity in matrimony.

If you agree to remain in a marriage where your spouse has broken a very important promise & bond that were the true foundations of your marriage, then what is left that is still sacred??!

Nothing. At. All.

If you turn the other cheek + remain w/your spouse after they commit life's most betraying transgression than you automatically are settling for a life that is much less than you deserve to lead. And your spouse will never ever respect you as a person even though they claim they will. They will never see you w/the same eyes they once did. Your dignity will be completely non-existent.
As long as you stay.

I know divorce is HUGE.
It co$ts a ton, both financially as well as personally.
Standards of living go down and children may have to go back & forth regarding where they will live.

But understand this:
If you remain married to someone + continue living under one roof, you will only be settling and though no one falls out of love overnight, in time your feelings towards your spouse will erode as the years pass.

As a parent, it is our responsibility to keep things 100% authentic for our children.
To teach them by example to possess self-worth for themselves.

The best way to teach them this very necessary trait is by leading by example.

And taking a lying, cheating spouse back will send a very harmful + destructive message to them.

Because when they become adults they will continue the vicious cycle.

Have you been through a divorce with kids involved? If you haven't, you really have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here if anything I'm more apt to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if that's how he wants things to be, I might just not rebuff the next guy who hits on me by saying "Thanks, I'm flattered but I'm married." I actually think if an agreement like that could be reached between spouses that occasionally each one has a dalliance if they want but the family unit remains the main priority, it could actually make for a pretty nice setup.

But as it is much easier for a woman to find a sex partner, why would a husband go along with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't assume that cheating carries the same weight and meanin for everyone- that is how you get some people who view it as no big deal and others who would be devastated. Now, if you are in the devasted camp and you choose to stay, it sounds like a choice between the lesser of two evils. Instead of judging what they choose to do I feel bad for them, what a terrible position to be put in.

My ex DW cheated, fell in love and we are divorced. I wonder what % of relationships could survive/thrive etc in a situation in which partner falls in love/lust with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here if anything I'm more apt to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if that's how he wants things to be, I might just not rebuff the next guy who hits on me by saying "Thanks, I'm flattered but I'm married." I actually think if an agreement like that could be reached between spouses that occasionally each one has a dalliance if they want but the family unit remains the main priority, it could actually make for a pretty nice setup.

But as it is much easier for a woman to find a sex partner, why would a husband go along with this?

It's easy for desirable men to find sex partners too. All the cheating husbands are clearly cheating with someone! And many of them have multiple affairs, per the posters here. The idea that it is just so impossible for a guy to find a willing sex partner is just not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here if anything I'm more apt to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if that's how he wants things to be, I might just not rebuff the next guy who hits on me by saying "Thanks, I'm flattered but I'm married." I actually think if an agreement like that could be reached between spouses that occasionally each one has a dalliance if they want but the family unit remains the main priority, it could actually make for a pretty nice setup.

But as it is much easier for a woman to find a sex partner, why would a husband go along with this?

Well once he's opened that Pandora's box he doesn't have much choice but to go along, does he? If you're going to mess around so am I!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it completely ridiculous that I would be expected to break up my nice life, my financial footing, my social fabric, my kid's stable lifestyle and my amiable relationship with my husband just because one or both of us make occasionally swap bodily fluids with someone else. Sexual extracurriculars do not threaten spousal status as long as they are treated as diversions.

I feel the same, and frankly, I am surprised most people don't feel the same.

So not quite an open marriage but an occasional tryst is agreeable? Easier said than done. Maybe works for 10% of couples.

I love when people just pull numbers out of their butt. You have no idea what goes on in other people's marriages. I'm with PP. I have a nice life and so do my kids. If my husband has a one night stand I'm going to be irritated and pissed but enough to cleave my life in two and lose 50% of my time with my kids and have to move to a less desirable neighborhood and have less money? Dream on!

+1 to all of this

+2. There is no freaking way I would divorce over a brief fling after 26 years of marriage and 2 kids. I have plenty of self-esteem and am capable of supporting myself (I make more than 50% of our HHI, in fact), but the reality is that from virtually every angle I am way better off with him than without him. He has been an emotionally supportive, generous, kind, and loving partner for more than half my life, he is a terrific father, and we have a great life together. Divorcing would fuck things up for our family in too many ways to count. Honestly, I think it would be incredibly selfish and unfair to our kids to divorce over something that, on balance, is incredibly small compared to all the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here if anything I'm more apt to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if that's how he wants things to be, I might just not rebuff the next guy who hits on me by saying "Thanks, I'm flattered but I'm married." I actually think if an agreement like that could be reached between spouses that occasionally each one has a dalliance if they want but the family unit remains the main priority, it could actually make for a pretty nice setup.

But as it is much easier for a woman to find a sex partner, why would a husband go along with this?

It's easy for desirable men to find sex partners too. All the cheating husbands are clearly cheating with someone! And many of them have multiple affairs, per the posters here. The idea that it is just so impossible for a guy to find a willing sex partner is just not true.

The married man I had an affair with was having affairs with multiple women at a time. He was spending a significant amount of time talking to women and fucking them and telling them how his marriage was horrible. He is still married.

[Anonymous]

DH here. My wife cheated, but that is not why I divorced her. She was also a physically and verbally abusive monster. Her f**king other guys, I could handle, but then coming home and just being a nasty b*tch! No thanks!

[Anonymous]

I divorced a cheater and it was the right move for me. I don't have the capacity to trust again after that (long story, more involved). However, I have counseled friends to do everything in their power to save their marriages.

People are individuals; they have different values. I left a very cushy, comfortable life for a simpler one. I have a MUCH smaller income now, but I am surrounded with people I can trust. Life is not easier as a single parent, but my life is better. Does that make sense.

I am able to forgive my ex for his behavior and wish him the best in life and love. I don't, however, have any desire to be married to him. We are pretty good co-parents and our son is still very much loved and has access to two parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here if anything I'm more apt to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if that's how he wants things to be, I might just not rebuff the next guy who hits on me by saying "Thanks, I'm flattered but I'm married." I actually think if an agreement like that could be reached between spouses that occasionally each one has a dalliance if they want but the family unit remains the main priority, it could actually make for a pretty nice setup.

But as it is much easier for a woman to find a sex partner, why would a husband go along with this?

It's easy for desirable men to find sex partners too. All the cheating husbands are clearly cheating with someone! And many of them have multiple affairs, per the posters here. The idea that it is just so impossible for a guy to find a willing sex partner is just not true.

The married man I had an affair with was having affairs with multiple women at a time. He was spending a significant amount of time talking to women and fucking them and telling them how his marriage was horrible. He is still married.

Either he had a lot of money or was way above average in attractiveness.