SIL mean to my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

OP you sound a little crazy. Even with what you added she wasn't "mean" to your baby. And running out crying by the SIL also isn't mean. You really need to get a grip. I mean that in a very non snarky way.

Wait, OP is the crazy one? DCUM, you never cease to amaze with your justifications for bad behavior. SIL is grieving, yes, but she is out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

OP you sound a little crazy. Even with what you added she wasn't "mean" to your baby. And running out crying by the SIL also isn't mean. You really need to get a grip. I mean that in a very non snarky way.

Wait, OP is the crazy one? DCUM, you never cease to amaze with your justifications for bad behavior. SIL is grieving, yes, but she is out of line.

DCUM is out of line suggesting that OPs child is not ACTUALLY the second coming of the messiah, and that not everyone's life will completely stop and revolve around her needs and wants? By telling OP that she could learn some empathy, and reminding her that child is not actually damaged by SILs behaviours?

People like OP need to learn that other people have their own lives, feelings, and are doing the best they can. Kindness goes a long way. SIL did try to see baby, and couldn't handle it. OP isn't trying F all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, if a parent just lost their 4 year old to cancer, they are being mean by trying to attend your 4 year old's birthday party, but having to leave because they are overcome by emotion?

For some women, the mourning and grief associated with infertility is THAT deep and that real. They are faced every day with media and family messages about how they are incomplete for being barren. They get told that they should be happy to be an aunt, even when it might feel to them like the hardest stab to the heart. They watch friends and family have "oops" babies and the heartbreaking stories on the news where children are killed or left to die because they're unwanted. They get made to feel guilty because all these little celebrations in life kick them where they're sorest. And half the time, they have to do it quietly because we STILL can't accept as a society that this is real, raw, actual grief. We tell them to buck up and move on, because hey - they get to be an aunt or whatever, and look at what else they have.

OP, not everyone has the same degree of tolerance or resilience for hardships in their lives. It sounds as though your SIL really tried, by coming to see the baby at all, especially while news of her own fertility was fresh and raw.

This is crazy. Experiencing infertility is in no way equal to having a child die. At all.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP thinks her baby is the second coming of the messiah. It is hurtful for the very thing that you love the most to not be acknowledged by a family member. But I think she needs to be more sensitive as to why her SIL is acting that way. And I also think SIL needs to be more sensitive to the fact that her behavior is also hurtful to OP. They both need to meet in the middle. They need to both understand each other's feelings while also taking care of their own feelings. It's a tough situation and it sounds like there's hurt all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, if a parent just lost their 4 year old to cancer, they are being mean by trying to attend your 4 year old's birthday party, but having to leave because they are overcome by emotion?

For some women, the mourning and grief associated with infertility is THAT deep and that real. They are faced every day with media and family messages about how they are incomplete for being barren. They get told that they should be happy to be an aunt, even when it might feel to them like the hardest stab to the heart. They watch friends and family have "oops" babies and the heartbreaking stories on the news where children are killed or left to die because they're unwanted. They get made to feel guilty because all these little celebrations in life kick them where they're sorest. And half the time, they have to do it quietly because we STILL can't accept as a society that this is real, raw, actual grief. We tell them to buck up and move on, because hey - they get to be an aunt or whatever, and look at what else they have.

OP, not everyone has the same degree of tolerance or resilience for hardships in their lives. It sounds as though your SIL really tried, by coming to see the baby at all, especially while news of her own fertility was fresh and raw.

This is crazy. Experiencing infertility is in no way equal to having a child die. At all.

Why? Because you say so? Because the child isn't "real" enough for you? Many infertile couples have experienced repeated losses and miscarriages. I guess they don't count?

[Anonymous]

Try to forgive and forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, if a parent just lost their 4 year old to cancer, they are being mean by trying to attend your 4 year old's birthday party, but having to leave because they are overcome by emotion?

For some women, the mourning and grief associated with infertility is THAT deep and that real. They are faced every day with media and family messages about how they are incomplete for being barren. They get told that they should be happy to be an aunt, even when it might feel to them like the hardest stab to the heart. They watch friends and family have "oops" babies and the heartbreaking stories on the news where children are killed or left to die because they're unwanted. They get made to feel guilty because all these little celebrations in life kick them where they're sorest. And half the time, they have to do it quietly because we STILL can't accept as a society that this is real, raw, actual grief. We tell them to buck up and move on, because hey - they get to be an aunt or whatever, and look at what else they have.

OP, not everyone has the same degree of tolerance or resilience for hardships in their lives. It sounds as though your SIL really tried, by coming to see the baby at all, especially while news of her own fertility was fresh and raw.

This is crazy. Experiencing infertility is in no way equal to having a child die. At all.

Why? Because you say so? Because the child isn't "real" enough for you? Many infertile couples have experienced repeated losses and miscarriages. I guess they don't count?

NP, I've experienced miscarriage and motherhood. To me, there is NO way a miscarriage is equivalent to the death of a child. It was devastating in its way but if my child died it would absolutely kill me. I can emotionally survive miscarriages. The death of a child would be soul crushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't read any more of the ridiculous responses on this thread. I cannot believe that most PPs are actually justifying the horrible behavior of the SIL.

to the OP: please stop responding to the dysfunctional PPs on this thread who are turning this around on you. They are are nuts. Grief does not entitle people to act like assholes. LOTS of people endure infertility and they don't behave like this woman (SIL). She is the one who is immature and self-centered. Not being able to have a child does not entitle you to ignore the children of your relatives. To justify this behavior as acceptable is demented.

I am sorry your SIL is such a selfish jerk. It is best that you are being nice to her on the face of things, because you are stuck with her for the long haul and you will want your children to have a nice relationship. But you are entitled to judge her on the inside, because she deserves it.

Oh. Heeeey OP.

Definitely not OP or PP, but an emphatic +1.

[Anonymous]

She wasn't being mean. She was trying to avoid feeling more sad and jealous then she already was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, if a parent just lost their 4 year old to cancer, they are being mean by trying to attend your 4 year old's birthday party, but having to leave because they are overcome by emotion?

For some women, the mourning and grief associated with infertility is THAT deep and that real. They are faced every day with media and family messages about how they are incomplete for being barren. They get told that they should be happy to be an aunt, even when it might feel to them like the hardest stab to the heart. They watch friends and family have "oops" babies and the heartbreaking stories on the news where children are killed or left to die because they're unwanted. They get made to feel guilty because all these little celebrations in life kick them where they're sorest. And half the time, they have to do it quietly because we STILL can't accept as a society that this is real, raw, actual grief. We tell them to buck up and move on, because hey - they get to be an aunt or whatever, and look at what else they have.

OP, not everyone has the same degree of tolerance or resilience for hardships in their lives. It sounds as though your SIL really tried, by coming to see the baby at all, especially while news of her own fertility was fresh and raw.

This is crazy. Experiencing infertility is in no way equal to having a child die. At all.

Why? Because you say so? Because the child isn't "real" enough for you? Many infertile couples have experienced repeated losses and miscarriages. I guess they don't count?

NP, I've experienced miscarriage and motherhood. To me, there is NO way a miscarriage is equivalent to the death of a child. It was devastating in its way but if my child died it would absolutely kill me. I can emotionally survive miscarriages. The death of a child would be soul crushing.

Well, YOU can emotionally survive a miscarriage. Not everyone is you. Not everyone comes with your personality, biases, beliefs, skill set of coping mechanisms, support network, etc.

Some people can survive horrific childhood abuse without becoming addicted or mentally ill. Some people can't. Some people handle divorce well. Some people don't. Some people deal with amputation bye becoming paraolympians. Some become depressed. This is where empathy comes in handy.

[Anonymous]

SIL was doomed. OP would have found reason to resent her no matter what.
It's widely recommended that one coping mechanism for women experiencing infertility is to avoid situation that would really trigger strong emotional reactions. It's why many women send a gift, but choose not to attend a baby shower, for example. They don't want to sit there looking miserable, and bringing all that negative feeling to the party.
I can't think of a worse situation to put a woman dealing with infertility than IN THE HOSPITAL HOLDING A NEW INFANT.
I bet SIL would have preferred not to go.
I also bet OP would have instead been on this forum complaining about how awful her SIL for not visiting her at the hospital. What a "rejection" it was. I'm sure enormous pressure was put on SIL that she should be there. So she tries to go, but in the end it's too much. I can tell you now that even after the successful birth of my children, I still remember vividly the pain of infertility, and there is no way I would have been able to keep in together in this kind of situation.

[Anonymous]

OK, gang...nobody wins the Grief Olympics.

OP, SIL was probably doing the best she could at the time. Life is to short to dwell on this. Be grateful for her support now and for the good times ahead. Be there for her, in good times and in bad. You will never regret doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby about a year ago, which was also around the same time my brother's wife (SIL) found out her chances of having a baby were slim to none. After my daughter was born, she was so mean to her. SIL wouldn't even hold or acknowledge her. At the hospital she started crying when she saw my daughter and ran out of my room. This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant. I'm really happy that there will be a new member in our family, but it's just so hard for me to be happy for my SIL after the way she treated my daughter. I would never treat an innocent child like that.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

It was harder for her to be happy for you when she thought she couldn't be pregnant. Stop being a bitch and learn to empathize. You'll need the skill being a mother and all...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When I read your story, I thought: "poor SIL!", instead of "poor you", and of course not "poor baby" because your baby couldn't care less.

Your SIL did not welcome the birth of your child, and avoided seeing her because she had just found out she probably would not be able to conceive.

Is this too hard for you to understand?

Now be nice.

Are you the SIL? Or did you face similar struggles and think it was okay to be an asshole to other people with children? That is the only way I can possibly understand how anyone would have this reaction to OPs post.

People on this website are astoundingly messed up.

PP, when it seems that everybody else is "messed up," check yourself. Usually, it's you, not the rest of the world. I'm serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wasn't being mean. She was trying to avoid feeling more sad and jealous then she already was.

+1. Also I don't see how you can argue she didn't acknowledge the child when she was present for the birth.

OP, your SIL didn't handle herself well, but it's easy to see that it was motivated by her own pain at not being able to have a child rather than any animus toward you or your daughter. I can see why it stings a bit, and I think it's totally fine if you want to take a less active role in her pregnancy as a result. However, I think you will be happiest if you just put it behind you and celebrate both babies. Think how nice it will be for your DD to have a cousin right around her age!