SIL mean to my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. So what if my daughter was old enough to understand these things? My other brother has a 4 year old son and SIL skipped his birthday party the last two years, and barely acknowledges him. Didn't even wish him a happy birthday.

When your DD is old enough to understand, then you can post. Regarding your other brother's son. If he's got an issue with your SIL's behavior, he's the one who should address it with her. It's really not your business. Until then, you need to learn to regulate your own emotions and learn that most people, even relatives, will not find your children as interesting, adorable and amazing as you do.

So you only wish people happy birthday if you find them interesting, adorable, and amazing? You feel no need to be basically decent and polite to your relative's children?

How I interact with my relatives is irrelevant. Your SIL's behavior with her nephew is none of your business. It is between her, the boy and his parents. Any issues you have with your SIL's behavior towards your child should be addressed with your DH (her brother). It is his relationship to manage, not yours. You should focus your efforts on learning how to curb your gossiping and creating drama in the family.

You should reconsider hosting your SIL's baby shower. Your heart isn't in the right place, your feelings are not genuine and your SIL deserves better. You are neither decent nor polite.

I'm the PP you responded to and I'm not the OP. Don't be so daft; the mention of the nephew is relevant because it shows a pattern of behavior by SIL. SIL is the drama queen here. Your post makes no sense.

What does it matter if SIL has a pattern of not holding babies, attending birthday parties or contacting children to wish them Happy Birthday? OP need only concern herself with how her children are treated by her SIL and to manager her own expectations. Different people have different expectations of these occasions. My family is big on these occasions, my DH's family is not. My kids don't think my ILs love them less because of it nor are my kids offended - probably because I'm not offended and don't make a fuss about it. My kids have taken their cue from me.

[Anonymous]

You people are cold-hearted. Just because it's her husband's sister and not her own sister she gets a pass and can treat the children like non-entities? You people make me thankful for my warm, wonderful family. I would never treat my SILs or their kids like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are cold-hearted. Just because it's her husband's sister and not her own sister she gets a pass and can treat the children like non-entities? You people make me thankful for my warm, wonderful family. I would never treat my SILs or their kids like this.

What does your warm, wonderful family do for a family member who is having a mental health crisis? Do you insist the family member put herself in situation that exacerbate her condition - situations where her presence is not missed by the guests of honor but by their parents? Do you also insist recovering alcoholics should have a drink because that's what's expected in your family? The situations are no different.

And, FWIW, I didn't have any problems conceiving - 4 pregnancies, 3 live births. My miscarriage was no big deal to me. But, I can easily understand how infertility can lead to mental health problems.

[Anonymous]

I went through 3 years of infertility and always acknowleged new babies in the family. I put on a brave face, visited and told the parents how cute the baby is. I declined to hold the baby saying that I was afraid of passing on germs but knowing that actually it might be too much emotionally. No one knew any different.
I'm in the camp that thinks SIL has issues. It will be interesting to see if she continues to ignore her niece and nephew once her child is born. I suspect she will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are cold-hearted. Just because it's her husband's sister and not her own sister she gets a pass and can treat the children like non-entities? You people make me thankful for my warm, wonderful family. I would never treat my SILs or their kids like this.

What does your warm, wonderful family do for a family member who is having a mental health crisis? Do you insist the family member put herself in situation that exacerbate her condition - situations where her presence is not missed by the guests of honor but by their parents? Do you also insist recovering alcoholics should have a drink because that's what's expected in your family? The situations are no different.

And, FWIW, I didn't have any problems conceiving - 4 pregnancies, 3 live births. My miscarriage was no big deal to me. But, I can easily understand how infertility can lead to mental health problems.

We support each other through thick and thin, of course. My SIL actually did go through hell trying to have a child and we were all there for her. I've seen it up close, not just with my SIL but with multiple friends, but I'm not going to pretend I know what it is like. I've never known anyone to actually shun relatives children over a period of years. Perhaps it is a mental health crisis, but it sounds more like garden variety drama queen immaturity from what little we know on this thread.

[Anonymous]

We support each other through thick and thin, of course. My SIL actually did go through hell trying to have a child and we were all there for her. I've seen it up close, not just with my SIL but with multiple friends, but I'm not going to pretend I know what it is like. I've never known anyone to actually shun relatives children over a period of years. Perhaps it is a mental health crisis, but it sounds more like garden variety drama queen immaturity from what little we know on this thread.

Do I have this right?

Drama Queen / Immature Behavior
1. Leaving a hospital room in tears.
2. Declining to hold a baby
2. Not going to a nephew's birthday party
3. This behavior was over several months and stopped

Not a Drama Queen / Mature Behavior
1. Believes not holding the baby is being mean to the baby
2. Not going to a 4 yo's party is not acknowledging the child
3. A year after the incidents, the resent/anger is still present

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We support each other through thick and thin, of course. My SIL actually did go through hell trying to have a child and we were all there for her. I've seen it up close, not just with my SIL but with multiple friends, but I'm not going to pretend I know what it is like. I've never known anyone to actually shun relatives children over a period of years. Perhaps it is a mental health crisis, but it sounds more like garden variety drama queen immaturity from what little we know on this thread.

Do I have this right?

Drama Queen / Immature Behavior
1. Leaving a hospital room in tears.
2. Declining to hold a baby
2. Not going to a nephew's birthday party
3. This behavior was over several months and stopped

Not a Drama Queen / Mature Behavior
1. Believes not holding the baby is being mean to the baby
2. Not going to a 4 yo's party is not acknowledging the child
3. A year after the incidents, the resent/anger is still present

21:27 here. Is that true? I didn't see in OP's post that her SIL is now nice to the niece and nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I have this right?

Drama Queen / Immature Behavior
1. Leaving a hospital room in tears.
2. Declining to hold a baby
2. Not going to a nephew's birthday party
3. This behavior was over several months and stopped

Not a Drama Queen / Mature Behavior
1. Believes not holding the baby is being mean to the baby
2. Not going to a 4 yo's party is not acknowledging the child
3. A year after the incidents, the resent/anger is still present

Let's revise this to meet reality:

Drama Queen / Immature Behavior
Declining to even acknowledge any of your nieces and nephews and not attending family events over a period of years because of infertility issues

Not a Drama Queen:
Being hurt that your SIL won't ever have anything to do with your child or relatives children for a period of years, but not giving her a hard time about it.
There is no evidence anywhere in OPs posts that she ever did anything mean or unsympathetic to SIL.

OPs post to this effect:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again and for the last time haha. I don't care that she didn't hold the baby, some people aren't comfortable with things like that. She just doesn't acknowledge any of her nieces/nephews and yes my nephew does notice when she's a no show to all our family events. He'll ask, "where's auntie?".

I'm really close to my brother and love him dearly, which is why I just keep my feelings to myself. It's just hard sometimes so I came on here to vent. BIG MISTAKE haha. Anyway, thanks again everyone for all your responses. They were very entertaining!

OPs mistake was thinking she could just vent on this forum. So many cuckoos.

[Anonymous]

For 9:51. In the backlash of overwhelming non-support, OP changed her story. These are from two earlier posts:

This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant.

My other brother has a 4 year old son and SIL skipped his birthday party the last two years, and barely acknowledges him. Didn't even wish him a happy birthday.

When you consider OP's predilection to hyperbole and drama (not holding a newborn/'acknowledging it' is being mean to it), I suspect 'barely' acknowledging a 4 year old means SIL is not doting on the nephew to OP's satisfaction. After getting blistered, OP now claims her SIL doesn't acknoweldge any of her nieces nephews. Big difference in her posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are cold-hearted. Just because it's her husband's sister and not her own sister she gets a pass and can treat the children like non-entities? You people make me thankful for my warm, wonderful family. I would never treat my SILs or their kids like this.

Never say never. Sadly, the life has some twisted and cruel ways of suprising you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are cold-hearted. Just because it's her husband's sister and not her own sister she gets a pass and can treat the children like non-entities? You people make me thankful for my warm, wonderful family. I would never treat my SILs or their kids like this.

Never say never. Sadly, the life has some twisted and cruel ways of suprising you.

Thanks for wishing me ill. You have a nice day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For 9:51. In the backlash of overwhelming non-support, OP changed her story. These are from two earlier posts:

This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant.

My other brother has a 4 year old son and SIL skipped his birthday party the last two years, and barely acknowledges him. Didn't even wish him a happy birthday.

When you consider OP's predilection to hyperbole and drama (not holding a newborn/'acknowledging it' is being mean to it), I suspect 'barely' acknowledging a 4 year old means SIL is not doting on the nephew to OP's satisfaction. After getting blistered, OP now claims her SIL doesn't acknoweldge any of her nieces nephews. Big difference in her posts.

I don't see the change in story. You are filtering through your weird angry lens to support your desire to "blister" OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through 3 years of infertility and always acknowleged new babies in the family. I put on a brave face, visited and told the parents how cute the baby is. I declined to hold the baby saying that I was afraid of passing on germs but knowing that actually it might be too much emotionally. No one knew any different.
I'm in the camp that thinks SIL has issues. It will be interesting to see if she continues to ignore her niece and nephew once her child is born. I suspect she will.

But you eventually had a baby, right?

What if at some point in time, all the doctors said it was extremely unlikely you were going to win that battle, that infertility wouldn't be a temporary struggle; it would be a permanent reality?

SIL didn't do anything mean to OP's child. She just distanced herself. If she was told she'd never have children, that's a pretty reasonable and understandable response.

I love how people who *were* infertile but now have a baby suddenly feel free to judge people who are told they'll NEVER have a baby. It sounds like it worked out for OP's SIL. But maybe at the time, she was told that she wouldn't have children. That is very different than being told that there are still avenues, still possibilities.

It just goes to show how much people lack compassion.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap. Seven pages? OP get a thicker skin a ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL sounds self centered. I would be hurt by her making the day your child was born all about HER. She sounds immature.

Wow.
Some of you really are heartless.

And they lack empathy, compassion--after all the world revolves them and their spawn.

Oh bullshit! The person who says she sounds immature is spot on.

Do women (and men) struggling with infertility deserve empathy and compassion? Absolutely, without a doubt, unequivocally, yes. But there are still *limits* to behavior that can be justified by suffering. If you read the thread more carefully you will note that the SIL has also ignored another older child over a period of years. This is not just about one time that she ran out the room crying when faced with a newborn (which none of us would find surprising under the circumstances). I doubt OP would have posted if it were only that. It's that she continued to behave coldly toward the baby for months after and has been cold to another child for years! Infertility and the very real grief that comes with it does not give someone the excuse to behave the way SIL has toward the children. And it doesn't matter if the baby and the 4 year old don't notice, all the other siblings and in-laws do. This woman is so selfish and immature, she thinks her suffering trumps all else and everything is all about her.

Since when is SIL obligated to dote on relatives' children? SIL wasn't mean. She just kept her distance. Who cares? Men do that all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME. No one every chides an uncle for not being enthusiastic enough about the birth of his nephew or niece. Heck, no one even really expects the uncle to hold the baby or show any interest beyond "congratulations!"

But yet we put all of this expectation and pressure on women to have to be nurturing and enthusiastic about OTHER WOMEN'S KIDS!!! She wasn't mean to any kids. She just didn't get overly involved. Who cares? Even if she didn't struggle with infertility, I'd be like, who cares? But it makes it worse that OP expected someone who was told they likely wouldn't have kid to hold her newborn???

This is BS women deal with from other women. And this is part and parcel why it's so hard for women who are told they won't have children. They can't win. I guarantee you if OP's SIL were OVERLY involved in OP's baby and was too clingy and too interest, OP would post about "psycho infertile SIL" being too needy.

People don't put this kind of expectation and pressure on men in their families when they have kids. They just don't.