SIL mean to my child

[Anonymous]

I had a baby about a year ago, which was also around the same time my brother's wife (SIL) found out her chances of having a baby were slim to none. After my daughter was born, she was so mean to her. SIL wouldn't even hold or acknowledge her. At the hospital she started crying when she saw my daughter and ran out of my room. This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant. I'm really happy that there will be a new member in our family, but it's just so hard for me to be happy for my SIL after the way she treated my daughter. I would never treat an innocent child like that.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

She didn't treat your daughter any way....she treated you that way. I don't see anywhere that you said she spoke sharply to your daughter, or treated her ill in any direct manner. Did she handle this gracefully? Definitely not, but that was directed towards you and your husband not towards your daughter. I think you need to re-frame your thoughts around this so that you can treat her child nicely. Maybe talk to her about how it made you feel- NICELY, and she might even apologize. Being in the throes of infertility brings out the worst in people sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Your baby wasnt hurt by SIL's behavior -- your baby was oblivious. Stop thinking of this as an injury done to your child, and maybe you'll have an easier time letting it go.

[Anonymous]

She wasn't being mean to your daughter. Stop framing it that way in your mind.

[Anonymous]

When I read your story, I thought: "poor SIL!", instead of "poor you", and of course not "poor baby" because your baby couldn't care less.

Your SIL did not welcome the birth of your child, and avoided seeing her because she had just found out she probably would not be able to conceive.

Is this too hard for you to understand?

Now be nice.

[Anonymous]

Have some empathy, OP. Your daughter was not mistreated. Neither were you. This is what grief can look like.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you said was actually mean to your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby about a year ago, which was also around the same time my brother's wife (SIL) found out her chances of having a baby were slim to none. After my daughter was born, she was so mean to her. SIL wouldn't even hold or acknowledge her. At the hospital she started crying when she saw my daughter and ran out of my room. This mean behavior went on for a few months and then it stopped after she found out she was pregnant. I'm really happy that there will be a new member in our family, but it's just so hard for me to be happy for my SIL after the way she treated my daughter. I would never treat an innocent child like that.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

I think you don't know what "mean" means

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have some empathy, OP. Your daughter was not mistreated. Neither were you. This is what grief can look like.

Agree. OPs daughter wasn't impacted at all by the behavior and none of it was directed at the baby. Sounds like her SIL was just struggling to come to terms with some bad news.

[Anonymous]

^^This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wasn't being mean to your daughter. Stop framing it that way in your mind.

X1000

I'm sure her behavior her to you, but it probably hurt less than the pain she was feeling at the prospect of never having a child. Seeing your baby in person made that really fresh and really real for her. (Imagine your life without your baby.) I'm sorry she couldn't be more receptive and loving towards your baby, but it's not about you and it's not about your baby. I hope you can be empathetic and let it go. Start a new chapter.

[Anonymous]

These responses LOL. Sorry OP! I was in a situation like yours and it's hard. My SIL couldn't conceive either. At first she would just avoid my son, now she doesn't even acknowledge that he exists. Doesn't come to birthday parties, etc. What can you do? I think if your SIL didn't get pregnant she would probably continue to be "B" to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop thinking the world revolves around you and get some empathy. This will be hard for you, but put yourself in her shoes. If you found out you could not have a baby and were really having a hard time coming to terms with it, you would be upset seeing your SIL's new born knowing you can never have a child of your own. It would remind you of everything you could not have. Just get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Let me clarify, my SIL was directly "mean" to my daughter by not acknowledging her. Whether my daughter understands that or not, it's not right.

Anyway, this is just how I feel on the inside...on the outside, I'm very nice to her and we get along. I'm throwing the baby shower for her. I just don't understand how people can act this way towards a baby. I had fertility issues as well and it was hard watching all my friends get pregnant, but I never ran out crying or not acknowledge the baby.

Well, here's a cookie for being more resilient than her.

All better now?