My teen's room is a disaster...I am getting desperate...please help me help him

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of the comments here (punishment, natural consequences, etc) are from people who don't have a child with ADHD.

My teen does. He has a lot of trouble cleaning his room and the house. What really helps is breaking things into tiny details as a checklist and requiring him to do them. Saturday mornings before he can have any fun he has to do the following list. I am VERY SPECIFIC about all parts of the job and make sure each job doesn't take much more than about 3 minutes. I think he gets instant feedback as he checks off each one -- he doesn't seem to mind doing these things, whereas if I told him to "clean your room" he'd have no idea where to start.


Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets; fluff pillows.

Desk

____Clean clutter off of desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.
____ Organize items left on desk top neatly
____ Polish top of desk with wipe; throw wipe in trash

Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put away all clean, folded laundry, neatly, in correct drawers.
____If laundry basket is full, carry it downstairs to washing machine.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put away in correct location.
____When carpet is cleared of all clutter, vacuum the rug, all parts of the rug
(including corners and under the desk).

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can
____ Declutter top of dresser so you can see the wood.
____ Wipe dresser top with polishing wipe; throw wipe in trash

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.
____ Pick up clothing that has dropped to the floor of the closet and hang it up.

Windowsills and doors

____Clean off all junk, garbage, etc from both windowsills.
____Wipe down windowsills with cleaning wipe; throw wipe in trash
____Wipe window panes with spray cleaner and paper towel; throw towels in trash
___ Wipe door handles and light switches with cleaning wipe, throw wipe in trash.
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside; return cleaning spray and wipes to cleaning closet

[Anonymous]

PP again -- also, for the borderline hoarding situation it sounds like your son has going on….

One thing that really to get kids to give things up is to take EVERYTHING out of their room (except furniture) and move it to another part of the house. Then clean the room top to bottom. And only bring back in what he wants and loves.

So often kids are just lazy and don't want to go through the effort of sorting through their stuff. But if you take everything out, the default becomes, they don't have the stuff in the room. They have to exert effort to get stuff back IN. Suddenly they don't care so much about it any more. If it is worth it to them to have all their old school papers, they can go get them but then they have to put them away in a proper location. Anything they don't care enough about to put away in a proper location after a certain point, you will take care of for them by filing in the circular file.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. I like that some people believe it is not an ADHD thing, but a teen thing. My husband is always telling me that most teen boys are like this. However, I do think a kid with ADHD is even more challenged when it comes time to do the work of cleaning.

I think the advice to purge is a good one. Starting there will make cleaning up easier because he is running out of places to put things. It is such a confusing mess. We do purge about twice a year, in the summer and during winter break. We just did it over winter break and it has already gotten bad again. I think now that he is spending so much time in his room with homework, lots of papers end up in there. He cleans out his backpack, but he doesn't want to throw papers away just in case. I have given him a basket to put the papers in, but he forgets to use it. Trust me, I have done a lot to help him stay organized. The problem is that he does not maintain. I try not to micromanage, but feel it is necessary because he doesn't see it. Pick up that towel. Put that pencil in the drawer. Close the drawers. Bring the cups downstairs. I like the idea of taking a photo of what a clean room is. I will do this and put it on his bulletin board next time

As for food in the room, I agree. I have told him no food, but he often takes it up when I am not looking. He is doing his homework up there and likes to snack while he works. I am going to be more strict on this issue. He does comply with only water (vs. other beverages), so now I have to get him to comply with the food rule.

We often use a carrot for him to get things cleaned up, and it works. No screen time until your room and bathroom are cleaned up. That works like a charm. But my goal is to get him to have good habits to do it daily so that we don't have to constantly nag him. Screen time is not available to him during the week, so we can't use that every day. I always tell DS that I would never nag him if he straightened his room daily. You would think that would be enough to get him to do it lol.

One other thing I need to recognize is that I am the complete opposite. My house is free of clutter and I am super organized.

Bottom line, there could be worse things, and hearing that others are suffering through this makes me feel a little better. I need to keep reminding myself that he is a great kid. Good grades, doesn't get into trouble, great sense of humor, teachers and coaches love him. Counting my blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised to discover that I seem to be one of the few parents who doesn't do her son's laundry.

Sometimes if he is busy, I might, but sometimes we ask him to run a load of our stuff, as well.

My son has been doing his own since 5th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a lot of the comments here (punishment, natural consequences, etc) are from people who don't have a child with ADHD.

My teen does. He has a lot of trouble cleaning his room and the house. What really helps is breaking things into tiny details as a checklist and requiring him to do them. Saturday mornings before he can have any fun he has to do the following list. I am VERY SPECIFIC about all parts of the job and make sure each job doesn't take much more than about 3 minutes. I think he gets instant feedback as he checks off each one -- he doesn't seem to mind doing these things, whereas if I told him to "clean your room" he'd have no idea where to start.


Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets; fluff pillows.

Desk

____Clean clutter off of desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.
____ Organize items left on desk top neatly
____ Polish top of desk with wipe; throw wipe in trash

Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put away all clean, folded laundry, neatly, in correct drawers.
____If laundry basket is full, carry it downstairs to washing machine.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put away in correct location.
____When carpet is cleared of all clutter, vacuum the rug, all parts of the rug
(including corners and under the desk).

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can
____ Declutter top of dresser so you can see the wood.
____ Wipe dresser top with polishing wipe; throw wipe in trash

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.
____ Pick up clothing that has dropped to the floor of the closet and hang it up.

Windowsills and doors

____Clean off all junk, garbage, etc from both windowsills.
____Wipe down windowsills with cleaning wipe; throw wipe in trash
____Wipe window panes with spray cleaner and paper towel; throw towels in trash
___ Wipe door handles and light switches with cleaning wipe, throw wipe in trash.
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside; return cleaning spray and wipes to cleaning closet

OMG thank you for this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a lot of the comments here (punishment, natural consequences, etc) are from people who don't have a child with ADHD.

My teen does. He has a lot of trouble cleaning his room and the house. What really helps is breaking things into tiny details as a checklist and requiring him to do them. Saturday mornings before he can have any fun he has to do the following list. I am VERY SPECIFIC about all parts of the job and make sure each job doesn't take much more than about 3 minutes. I think he gets instant feedback as he checks off each one -- he doesn't seem to mind doing these things, whereas if I told him to "clean your room" he'd have no idea where to start.


Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets; fluff pillows.

Desk

____Clean clutter off of desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.
____ Organize items left on desk top neatly
____ Polish top of desk with wipe; throw wipe in trash

Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put away all clean, folded laundry, neatly, in correct drawers.
____If laundry basket is full, carry it downstairs to washing machine.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put away in correct location.
____When carpet is cleared of all clutter, vacuum the rug, all parts of the rug
(including corners and under the desk).

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can
____ Declutter top of dresser so you can see the wood.
____ Wipe dresser top with polishing wipe; throw wipe in trash

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.
____ Pick up clothing that has dropped to the floor of the closet and hang it up.

Windowsills and doors

____Clean off all junk, garbage, etc from both windowsills.
____Wipe down windowsills with cleaning wipe; throw wipe in trash
____Wipe window panes with spray cleaner and paper towel; throw towels in trash
___ Wipe door handles and light switches with cleaning wipe, throw wipe in trash.
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside; return cleaning spray and wipes to cleaning closet

This list is great for an NT kid or even an ADHD kid who has had a lot of practice but for an ADHD kid who hasn't it's too overwhelming.
Also, words like "sort" and "organize" are pretty much meaningless to ADHD kids/adults. Yeah, we get the concept but if we could do it, then we wouldn't have the mess we do!

So I would pare down the list to start:

Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets;

Desk

____Clean off desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.


Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put any clean laundry not already in drawers/closet into another laundry basket.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put on desk.
____Vacuum carpet or rug.

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can

____Clean off desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.


Bookshelf, Windowsills

____Clean off all junk, garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf from both .

Garbage
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside;

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This list is great for an NT kid or even an ADHD kid who has had a lot of practice but for an ADHD kid who hasn't it's too overwhelming.
Also, words like "sort" and "organize" are pretty much meaningless to ADHD kids/adults. Yeah, we get the concept but if we could do it, then we wouldn't have the mess we do!

Well, sure… my son was 13 the summer we started this list, and I did work through it with him the first few times, so I take some shortcuts when I say "declutter" -- also if he doesn't actually declutter much but just takes a few things off the desk, well that's a start!

Also, I try to keep the list to about 20 items, and often on weekends will tell him to choose 10 on Saturday, and do the other 10 on Sunday. Once he gets started, he usually enjoys doing all 20 so he can have a "free" Sunday -- feels like he's getting away with something.

You have to tweak it to work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a lot of the comments here (punishment, natural consequences, etc) are from people who don't have a child with ADHD.

My teen does. He has a lot of trouble cleaning his room and the house. What really helps is breaking things into tiny details as a checklist and requiring him to do them. Saturday mornings before he can have any fun he has to do the following list. I am VERY SPECIFIC about all parts of the job and make sure each job doesn't take much more than about 3 minutes. I think he gets instant feedback as he checks off each one -- he doesn't seem to mind doing these things, whereas if I told him to "clean your room" he'd have no idea where to start.


Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets; fluff pillows.

Desk

____Clean clutter off of desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.
____ Organize items left on desk top neatly
____ Polish top of desk with wipe; throw wipe in trash

Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put away all clean, folded laundry, neatly, in correct drawers.
____If laundry basket is full, carry it downstairs to washing machine.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put away in correct location.
____When carpet is cleared of all clutter, vacuum the rug, all parts of the rug
(including corners and under the desk).

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can
____ Declutter top of dresser so you can see the wood.
____ Wipe dresser top with polishing wipe; throw wipe in trash

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.
____ Pick up clothing that has dropped to the floor of the closet and hang it up.

Windowsills and doors

____Clean off all junk, garbage, etc from both windowsills.
____Wipe down windowsills with cleaning wipe; throw wipe in trash
____Wipe window panes with spray cleaner and paper towel; throw towels in trash
___ Wipe door handles and light switches with cleaning wipe, throw wipe in trash.
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside; return cleaning spray and wipes to cleaning closet

This list is great for an NT kid or even an ADHD kid who has had a lot of practice but for an ADHD kid who hasn't it's too overwhelming.
Also, words like "sort" and "organize" are pretty much meaningless to ADHD kids/adults. Yeah, we get the concept but if we could do it, then we wouldn't have the mess we do!

So I would pare down the list to start:

Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets;

Desk

____Clean off desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.


Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put any clean laundry not already in drawers/closet into another laundry basket.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put on desk.
____Vacuum carpet or rug.

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can

____Clean off desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.


Bookshelf, Windowsills

____Clean off all junk, garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf from both .

Garbage
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside;

OP here. I intentionally did not comment on this list because it would never work for my ADHD son. In fact, it would just overwhelm him and, frankly, annoy him. But he is 15.

I have managed to use one word phrases, and that seems to work.

For example:

Bed (make your bed)
Clothes (pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper)
Bathroom (clean up the bathroom)
Glasses (bring empty glasses to the kitchen)

etc. etc.

I think the one word instructions are most effective with all teens. Teens do not want to be micromanaged. Even teens with ADHD.

My issue is that I want my teen to do these things without my input. That is the big challenge now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I intentionally did not comment on this list because it would never work for my ADHD son. In fact, it would just overwhelm him and, frankly, annoy him. But he is 15.

I have managed to use one word phrases, and that seems to work.

For example:

Bed (make your bed)
Clothes (pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper)
Bathroom (clean up the bathroom)
Glasses (bring empty glasses to the kitchen)

etc. etc.

I think the one word instructions are most effective with all teens. Teens do not want to be micromanaged. Even teens with ADHD.

My issue is that I want my teen to do these things without my input. That is the big challenge now.

OP, this comment really seems at odds with your initial post, in which you stated that you have tried everything with your teen, and nothing is working! Now you say that one word commands like "bed" are effective, and DO seem to work?

So I'm confused. If your method IS working, then you'd have a child with a clean room right?

Regardless, I'm the parent of a 13 year old teen with pretty severe ADHD, and I created that cleaning list (and others like it for the rest of the house) for both of my children last summer so they could become more independent cleaning around the house. My non ADHD child LOVES the list. My ADHD child doesn't mind it and definitely doesn't get overwhelmed by it. He likes that it is typed out for him, and that once he is done with it, he knows there will be no more nagging. I also asked him which cleaning tasks he prefers to do, and make sure to put a lot of those kinds of tasks on his list (he said he doesn't mind vacuuming, and he likes washing windows and doing easy stuff that shows clean results immediately (like polishing wood with wood polish). So I put a lot of those on the list so he gets some positive feedback.

I also think he likes that there are so many steps, yet each one takes just three minutes. I read somewhere that kids with ADHD thrive on frequent positive reinforcement, like (when they are younger) a little reward for finishing each question (even if it is just an audible "ding") or a reinforcement for each sentence written. As they get older they need those less and less.

Anyhow, if your method of just 4 words "bed. clothes. bathroom" is working, as you say, then you'd have clean bed, clean bathroom... right? But you say you don't.

So maybe your child needs more explicit directions as to exactly what steps he needs to do, to clean the bathroom to your specifications?

[Anonymous]

I worry about how he is going to manage when he leaves home for college

I sent DS off to college with 21 pairs of matching socks - black - so he can also wear them as dress socks.

[Anonymous]

ADHD DD, and a slightly different solution. I had a professional organizer come and help me get our house ready to show. She was fantastic, so I had her come in for 2 2 hour spurts and help DD get her room on track and organized in a way she could get on board with and maintain. DD just argues with me and gets upset. Sometimes it's better to get a neutral third party (not to mention a professional) involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I worry about how he is going to manage when he leaves home for college

I sent DS off to college with 21 pairs of matching socks - black - so he can also wear them as dress socks.

OK, this is really odd. Do kids really wear black socks in college? I hardly wore socks in college except in the coldest months and then only either white tube socks or heavy wool socks.

[Anonymous]

Get the kid medicated for ADHD. If there were bad side effects in the past, like feeling antsy, then you need a new prescription or a different medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am ready to get a dumpster and just haul everything out and start all over. Let me start by saying that I have taken many steps to help organize DS. I even labeled the shelves in his closet on where things go, so he can easily find things.

My 15 year old will not throw anything out. Anything. His trash can is always empty, but piles and piles of papers, magazines, device cables, devices, books, clothes, food, empty food packages, empty water bottles, pens, pencils, are strewn all over the floor on a regular basis. The only time this is not the case is when the cleaning lady comes. She is a saint and doesn't complain. I usually ask him to pick up before hand, but his approach is to pile all this stuff on top of his desk, which is piled high about 2 feet with books papers and junk and throw any clean clothes on the floor in his closet, rather than fold and put away. He has plenty of shelf space to put books and papers, but he doesn't use it. He will not let me help him organize anymore and will not throw anything out...even old papers from school.

When I do his laundry and ask him to put it away, nothing is put where it belongs, and consequently he can't find something important like a sports jersey or something he really needs. Socks end up on the t-shirt drawer, athletic shorts end up in the pajama drawer...nothing is where it belongs. It is really a problem to the point that i have started putting his stuff away for him because I can't take trying to help him find things or going out to buy new stuff because he lost them. By the way, we did try having him fold and put away, and that was even worse.

He has ADHD, and not medicated. Bright kid, good student getting mostly As in a challenging curriculum. Can't do meds because of side effects.

Please tell me I am not alone here, and if anyone has any suggestions on how to help this kid (who is beginning to resent me). I worry about how he is going to manage when he leaves home for college in a few years. Is there a professional I can hire to help him get organized? Should I cross post this on kids with special needs, or is this a universal issue among all teen boys?

Why aren't you medicating?? Sounds like you're doing him a disservice. You expect a perfectly organized space (you sound a whole lot anal, so what if socks are in the "wrong" drawer?) yet won't give him what he may need to succeed. And ftr, I'd cut that shizz off of letting him have food in his room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised to discover that I seem to be one of the few parents who doesn't do her son's laundry.

Sometimes if he is busy, I might, but sometimes we ask him to run a load of our stuff, as well.

My son has been doing his own since 5th grade.

+1. For the past couple years, I've been asking my now 6th and 8th graders to help with laundry. Please fold a load, please start a load. Gripe, moan, they forgot, they were busy and would later. It was like pulling teeth. Then I got sick the flu this winter and asked them to help out by running laundry. Which they didn't do. Straw that broke the camel's back. So now, they do their own laundry. Such an improvement. Occasionally, I'll run a load for one of them, or throw something they need the next day in with my laundry and they THANK ME. This time a year ago, there was grumbling because they wanted to wear such and such and it was dirty. I should have moved the responsibility to them a long time ago.