My teen's room is a disaster...I am getting desperate...please help me help him

[Anonymous]

I am ready to get a dumpster and just haul everything out and start all over. Let me start by saying that I have taken many steps to help organize DS. I even labeled the shelves in his closet on where things go, so he can easily find things.

My 15 year old will not throw anything out. Anything. His trash can is always empty, but piles and piles of papers, magazines, device cables, devices, books, clothes, food, empty food packages, empty water bottles, pens, pencils, are strewn all over the floor on a regular basis. The only time this is not the case is when the cleaning lady comes. She is a saint and doesn't complain. I usually ask him to pick up before hand, but his approach is to pile all this stuff on top of his desk, which is piled high about 2 feet with books papers and junk and throw any clean clothes on the floor in his closet, rather than fold and put away. He has plenty of shelf space to put books and papers, but he doesn't use it. He will not let me help him organize anymore and will not throw anything out...even old papers from school.

When I do his laundry and ask him to put it away, nothing is put where it belongs, and consequently he can't find something important like a sports jersey or something he really needs. Socks end up on the t-shirt drawer, athletic shorts end up in the pajama drawer...nothing is where it belongs. It is really a problem to the point that i have started putting his stuff away for him because I can't take trying to help him find things or going out to buy new stuff because he lost them. By the way, we did try having him fold and put away, and that was even worse.

He has ADHD, and not medicated. Bright kid, good student getting mostly As in a challenging curriculum. Can't do meds because of side effects.

Please tell me I am not alone here, and if anyone has any suggestions on how to help this kid (who is beginning to resent me). I worry about how he is going to manage when he leaves home for college in a few years. Is there a professional I can hire to help him get organized? Should I cross post this on kids with special needs, or is this a universal issue among all teen boys?

[Anonymous]

I would post this in SN. I was writing up a reply based on my own experiences but I"m not sure how well my suggestions would work for a kid with ADHD who isn't medicated.

[Anonymous]

No food allowed in his room to cover sanitation/big concerns. Other than that he suffers the consequences of not being able to find the things he needs. You do not have to help. You can decide you won't even go in! Laundry most come out 1 a week . His room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am ready to get a dumpster and just haul everything out and start all over. Let me start by saying that I have taken many steps to help organize DS. I even labeled the shelves in his closet on where things go, so he can easily find things.

My 15 year old will not throw anything out. Anything. His trash can is always empty, but piles and piles of papers, magazines, device cables, devices, books, clothes, food, empty food packages, empty water bottles, pens, pencils, are strewn all over the floor on a regular basis. The only time this is not the case is when the cleaning lady comes. She is a saint and doesn't complain. I usually ask him to pick up before hand, but his approach is to pile all this stuff on top of his desk, which is piled high about 2 feet with books papers and junk and throw any clean clothes on the floor in his closet, rather than fold and put away. He has plenty of shelf space to put books and papers, but he doesn't use it. He will not let me help him organize anymore and will not throw anything out...even old papers from school.

When I do his laundry and ask him to put it away, nothing is put where it belongs, and consequently he can't find something important like a sports jersey or something he really needs. Socks end up on the t-shirt drawer, athletic shorts end up in the pajama drawer...nothing is where it belongs. It is really a problem to the point that i have started putting his stuff away for him because I can't take trying to help him find things or going out to buy new stuff because he lost them. By the way, we did try having him fold and put away, and that was even worse.

He has ADHD, and not medicated. Bright kid, good student getting mostly As in a challenging curriculum. Can't do meds because of side effects.

Please tell me I am not alone here, and if anyone has any suggestions on how to help this kid (who is beginning to resent me). I worry about how he is going to manage when he leaves home for college in a few years. Is there a professional I can hire to help him get organized? Should I cross post this on kids with special needs, or is this a universal issue among all teen boys?

My DS is 13 and I have the same issue. DS washes his own clothes, but the clean clothes end up on the floor with the dirty ones. I am thinking of hiring a life coach for DS.

[Anonymous]

Hamper for dirty clothes?

[Anonymous]

You don't do his laundry. He washes his own laundry. You don't help him look for his jersey. He looks for it himself. If he can't make his own bed, his bed gets taken away with just a mattress on the floor. No eating in his room allowed. No tv or electronics until he shows he isn't too busy or distracted to clean his room. If his cords don't get placed back, the cord gets removed. The cleaning lady will not clean his room. He does his room himself until he shows he is respectful enough to clean up after himself and not wait for someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hamper for dirty clothes?

He actually uses the hamper. Often the clean clothes end up in there because he is too lazy to put them away. Very frustrating!!

Yes, we have tried consequences. We do not let him have his entertainment until after room is cleaned up...but it is still never done properly, and while I used to be able to more easily coach him as a younger child, teens get resentful when you try to micromanage as I am sure you already know!

[Anonymous]

If he is willing to give up all electronics to keep his room dirty..I would put up with the dirty room. A messy room never killed anyone really. Just keep the door closed.

[Anonymous]

He has too many things in this room to manage. Can the desk/papers be moved to another location? Does he actually read those books anymore? Does he still have the devices the cords belong to? Do all the clothes fit and are for the right season?

Have had similar problems with DC and found that the amount of stuff is what is overwhelming. Purge, compartmentalize (not shelves, but entire activities out of the room). Let the room be the lair for rest and relaxation only.

And NO FOOD EVER.

[Anonymous]

1. No food in his room. No one should have food in their rooms

2. Do not do things for him. He will have zero motivation to do it himself if he knows you will.

3. Spend a day with him and purge. It's a lot easier to get organized when you get rid of the stuff you don't need

4. Let him learn the consequences of what happens if he's so messy. Can't find his soccer jersey? Guess he can't play in the game. Can't find something so it makes him late? Well, too bad.

5. Like another PP said, a messy room doesn't hurt anyone. If you can get it reasonably under control, let go that it isn't completely clean. Your kid will be ok if he dresses himself for a week from a pile of clean clothes on his closet floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has too many things in this room to manage. Can the desk/papers be moved to another location? Does he actually read those books anymore? Does he still have the devices the cords belong to? Do all the clothes fit and are for the right season?

Have had similar problems with DC and found that the amount of stuff is what is overwhelming. Purge, compartmentalize (not shelves, but entire activities out of the room). Let the room be the lair for rest and relaxation only.

And NO FOOD EVER.

+1. You're not alone OP. IMO, you're being both too hard on him, and too easy.

Try setting some concrete ground rules. No food or beverages, EVER EVER, in his room. No exceptions to this.

If he can't find a clean sports jersey when he needs it, too bad. He goes and wears a white t-shirt. If the coach sits him out of the game for being out of uniform, oh well.

He has designated space in his room for essentials: School work goes here. Clothes go there. Fun toys/ knick knaks etc. go there. He is required to spend 30 minutes every Sunday and Wednesday evening straightening up.

Have him start a "to be dealt with" file/ pile. Everything else (stray papers, etc.) goes there and MUST be dealt with on the upcoming Sunday/ Wednesday clean session.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. No food in his room. No one should have food in their rooms

2. Do not do things for him. He will have zero motivation to do it himself if he knows you will.

3. Spend a day with him and purge. It's a lot easier to get organized when you get rid of the stuff you don't need

4. Let him learn the consequences of what happens if he's so messy. Can't find his soccer jersey? Guess he can't play in the game. Can't find something so it makes him late? Well, too bad.

5. Like another PP said, a messy room doesn't hurt anyone. If you can get it reasonably under control, let go that it isn't completely clean. Your kid will be ok if he dresses himself for a week from a pile of clean clothes on his closet floor.

+1 to all this.

I had unmedicated ADHD (I have adult ADHD -- also unmedicated but diagnosed -- so I'm guessing I had it as a kid?) was in the gifted program at school and sound exactly like your son. Huge mess for a room. My parents did the above and it helped as much as it COULD be helped -- forced me to at least do the bare minimum. They backed off and let it be sort of a disaster at the time, and I appreciate that lack of micromanaging now as an adult (ugh, I hope I'm that cool when my now-little kids get to the teen years!).

That said, I became very tidy in college, especially when I studied abroad and lived with a tidy host family. I think that was a combination of growing up (it'll happen!), respecting a family that could kick me out , and the fact that the host family had a designated clean-up time (every Saturday morning) and everyone helped with all cleaning and chores at that time. So I think this is a teen thing and I would follow PP's advice pretty much to a T.

[Anonymous]

My son with ADHD has a disaster for a room, too. He's allowed to have food in his room, but any garbage, plates, glasses, etc. have to be taken out immediately and he's pretty good about it. He's also pretty good about putting his laundry in a hamper outside of the bathroom. I don't need to go in looking for dishes, wrappers, laundry etc., which basically means that I don't have to go in there at all. I do help him purge outgrown clothes, old books, etc. a couple of times a year. There's no cleaning lady. Oddly enough, he can usually find what he's looking for at any given time, even though there is no apparent order.

My older DC with no diagnosed ADHD has an even worse room, to be honest. Her parents aren't exactly neat freaks. The biggest problem is that our house is too small, but we're not really looking to upgrade with two kids in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. No food in his room. No one should have food in their rooms

2. Do not do things for him. He will have zero motivation to do it himself if he knows you will.

3. Spend a day with him and purge. It's a lot easier to get organized when you get rid of the stuff you don't need

4. Let him learn the consequences of what happens if he's so messy. Can't find his soccer jersey? Guess he can't play in the game. Can't find something so it makes him late? Well, too bad.

5. Like another PP said, a messy room doesn't hurt anyone. If you can get it reasonably under control, let go that it isn't completely clean. Your kid will be ok if he dresses himself for a week from a pile of clean clothes on his closet floor.

+1 to all this.

I had unmedicated ADHD (I have adult ADHD -- also unmedicated but diagnosed -- so I'm guessing I had it as a kid?) was in the gifted program at school and sound exactly like your son. Huge mess for a room. My parents did the above and it helped as much as it COULD be helped -- forced me to at least do the bare minimum. They backed off and let it be sort of a disaster at the time, and I appreciate that lack of micromanaging now as an adult (ugh, I hope I'm that cool when my now-little kids get to the teen years!).

That said, I became very tidy in college, especially when I studied abroad and lived with a tidy host family. I think that was a combination of growing up (it'll happen!), respecting a family that could kick me out , and the fact that the host family had a designated clean-up time (every Saturday morning) and everyone helped with all cleaning and chores at that time. So I think this is a teen thing and I would follow PP's advice pretty much to a T.

I'm the PP with the numbered list. I also have ADHD and had it (undiagnosed) as a kid. My mom was a neat freak who screamed and yelled at me for a messy room. Then she would clean it from top to bottom every time it got messy. Nothing good came of it. As an adult, I struggle to be neat and organized. Our house is fine in so that I"m not embarrassed to have people over (and neither is DH) but I really wish I could be more organized like some of my friends.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care if the pants are in the sock drawer? You're too close to this. I understand he can't find things later, but that's on him to experience the consequences. Just let him be messy and muddle his way through like every teen. I don't think this has anything to do with ADHD. Most teen boys are messy. No food in the room and make him do his own laundry (he'll stop throwing clean clothes in the laundry fast).