My teen's room is a disaster...I am getting desperate...please help me help him

[Anonymous]

Former unmedicated ADHD teen here:

Everyone who is saying 'punishment! Consequences!' Is way off base. Disorganization is a symptom of a medical condition that's going unmedicated---give your kid tools, and some basic rules are in order, but punishment for this is like punishing a kid with seasonal allergies for sneezing.

Basic rules that helped me:
1. No food/drink except water.
2. All water glasses come out of the room before bedtime
3. No clean clothes in dirty clothes hamper (because it's wasteful, and is more work for the person who does laundry), or kid takes over doing own laundry
4. Once a week,give the kid a trash bag and set timer for 20 minutes, to get in the habit of purging trash

Guilt and shame never helped me---I felt trapped in a cycle of fear/shame/guilt/overwhelmed feelings, that kept me from ever getting anything picked up.

Empower your kid---give them some basic tools, help them implement them.

[Anonymous]

When a teen keeps a messy room it is a smoke screen - a method of communication. Read a parenting book or ask a professional.

My husband and I keep a messy room and we are a combined total of 90 years old. Calling my mom now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When a teen keeps a messy room it is a smoke screen - a method of communication. Read a parenting book or ask a professional.

My husband and I keep a messy room and we are a combined total of 90 years old. Calling my mom now.

Well shit! I'm a psychologist and I keep a messy room. What now???

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Former unmedicated ADHD teen here:

Everyone who is saying 'punishment! Consequences!' Is way off base. Disorganization is a symptom of a medical condition that's going unmedicated---give your kid tools, and some basic rules are in order, but punishment for this is like punishing a kid with seasonal allergies for sneezing.

Basic rules that helped me:
1. No food/drink except water.
2. All water glasses come out of the room before bedtime
3. No clean clothes in dirty clothes hamper (because it's wasteful, and is more work for the person who does laundry), or kid takes over doing own laundry
4. Once a week,give the kid a trash bag and set timer for 20 minutes, to get in the habit of purging trash

Guilt and shame never helped me---I felt trapped in a cycle of fear/shame/guilt/overwhelmed feelings, that kept me from ever getting anything picked up.

Empower your kid---give them some basic tools, help them implement them.[/quote]

This x1000

Also never try and do a whole day clean up or purge. This weekend set aside an hour and help him get cleaned up. Discard wrappers, dishes to the kitchen, get a large bin or box for papers. Don't stop to sort papers just put them all in a box.

Make making the bed each day a priority. A made bed instantly makes the room cleaner.

Laundry baskets for the clothes. If they don't make it to drawers or closet at least the are in one spot and off the floor.

[Anonymous]

Bed making is not a priority in our house but each to their own,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a teen keeps a messy room it is a smoke screen - a method of communication. Read a parenting book or ask a professional.

99% of teen rooms are slovenly disasters.
It's the other 1% you have to worry about really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take everything away, except necessities (i.e. clothing) and pile it neatly in the basement. Each day he gets to pick one thing to take back. As long as his room is neat, he can continue to "shop" his stuff in your basement. If the room gets messy, he loses the last thing he reclaimed. If it stays messy, he loses the previous thing, until he cleans the room or you have all the stuff again.

oh, leave him alone. My mother & I fought over when/how/if I put my clean clothes up. It ruined our relationship as a teenager and still has negative consequences today. I do say, no food. Also, do have a day to help him go through paperwork, it can be done while you two watch a movie together. Have him go through cords & plugs to see if he still needs them, if so, they can be tossed in a box & he can deal with the tangle.

I suspect that you were a little bit difficult to deal with and maybe you still are.
Honestly you have your own kids now and you are still messed up about your mom telling you to clean up your pigsty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take everything away, except necessities (i.e. clothing) and pile it neatly in the basement. Each day he gets to pick one thing to take back. As long as his room is neat, he can continue to "shop" his stuff in your basement. If the room gets messy, he loses the last thing he reclaimed. If it stays messy, he loses the previous thing, until he cleans the room or you have all the stuff again.

oh, leave him alone. My mother & I fought over when/how/if I put my clean clothes up. It ruined our relationship as a teenager and still has negative consequences today. I do say, no food. Also, do have a day to help him go through paperwork, it can be done while you two watch a movie together. Have him go through cords & plugs to see if he still needs them, if so, they can be tossed in a box & he can deal with the tangle.

I suspect that you were a little bit difficult to deal with and maybe you still are.
Honestly you have your own kids now and you are still messed up about your mom telling you to clean up your pigsty?

Good for you having the energy to respond to that nonsense. An adult who is so psychologically frail that they are still upset about having to clean their room 25 years ago.

[Anonymous]

He might have OCD. Get him medicated for the ADHD or he will turn into a future hoarder. My parent's unmedicated ADHD and depression probably contributed to the hoarding.

Set a weekly clean out time for him. The cleaning lady should not have to go into a pig sty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simple:

Everyday, anything left on the floor or purposely not put in the right plave goes in a basket. He needs to do a chore to get each item back (wi flex mirrors, empty dishwasher, vacuum one room.) If something is not claimed in 1 week, it goes to Good Will. No arguing, no negotiations.

No food in the bedroom. Only bottled water.

If he doesn't put clean clothes away in drawers or closets, he does the laundry for a week.


When teens act like toddlers, they get treated like toddlers. And this is not an ADD disorder. This is a TEEN disorder. Don't let his diagnosis be a crutch.

I used a similar approach to this. I went into my daughter's room weekly (gave her notice) and collected anything that was not where it should be. Clothes on the floor, etc. She had to earn these things back and then needed to launder them herself. She got to the point where she had no underwear left before relenting! Since then she is doing a pretty good job!

[Anonymous]

The book How to Teach Life Skills to Kids with Autism or Aspergers has a whole discussion about how confusing cleaning a room can be to a kid with special needs and how to help them with very specific directions written out. While the book is for kids with ASD it may apply to a lot of kids with organization and planning/executive function challenges, such as kids with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't automatically assume that this has to do with ADHD or anything on the spectrum.

I'm under the impression that this is typical of the teen brain. I've got a 13 y.o. (NT) DD and it's unbelievable. And like you, I've tried a variety of things (consequences) to get her on track.

One suggestion I've heard (from a pediatrician who specializes in tweens and teens) is to go in there, clean up the room and get it exactly the way you want it, then take a picture, and tape it up by the entrance to the door. Then when you want your kid to clean up, you point to the picture. When they say the room is cleaned up, you look at the mess and then point to the picture again.

The point being that they don't know what your definition of clean looks like, and (almost like a hoarder) they can't see their mess.

This sounds ridiculous, but omg, they are such space-cadets it's ridiculous. A side example--yesterday I told my DD a plan for today where she needed to walk somewhere at a certain time (including "I cannot drive you") then told her again this morning, then again ten and again five minutes before she was to leave. I jumped in the shower. Suddenly she was opening the door of the shower--"MOM! We have to go!"

It was as if she had never heard me say she had to walk; big surprise!!!...they just don't process!

[Anonymous]

No food allowed.

Lighten up about what goes where. Simpler system.


Don't deal with the clutter until school is out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take everything away, except necessities (i.e. clothing) and pile it neatly in the basement. Each day he gets to pick one thing to take back. As long as his room is neat, he can continue to "shop" his stuff in your basement. If the room gets messy, he loses the last thing he reclaimed. If it stays messy, he loses the previous thing, until he cleans the room or you have all the stuff again.

oh, leave him alone. My mother & I fought over when/how/if I put my clean clothes up. It ruined our relationship as a teenager and still has negative consequences today. I do say, no food. Also, do have a day to help him go through paperwork, it can be done while you two watch a movie together. Have him go through cords & plugs to see if he still needs them, if so, they can be tossed in a box & he can deal with the tangle.

I suspect that you were a little bit difficult to deal with and maybe you still are.
Honestly you have your own kids now and you are still messed up about your mom telling you to clean up your pigsty?

I, too, have some scars from my mom's ventures into my room to clean. Yeah, there was paper and clutter, but no food and no dirty clothes. I still don't know what her problem was.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised to discover that I seem to be one of the few parents who doesn't do her son's laundry.

Sometimes if he is busy, I might, but sometimes we ask him to run a load of our stuff, as well.