My teen's room is a disaster...I am getting desperate...please help me help him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am ready to get a dumpster and just haul everything out and start all over. Let me start by saying that I have taken many steps to help organize DS. I even labeled the shelves in his closet on where things go, so he can easily find things.

My 15 year old will not throw anything out. Anything. His trash can is always empty, but piles and piles of papers, magazines, device cables, devices, books, clothes, food, empty food packages, empty water bottles, pens, pencils, are strewn all over the floor on a regular basis. The only time this is not the case is when the cleaning lady comes. She is a saint and doesn't complain. I usually ask him to pick up before hand, but his approach is to pile all this stuff on top of his desk, which is piled high about 2 feet with books papers and junk and throw any clean clothes on the floor in his closet, rather than fold and put away. He has plenty of shelf space to put books and papers, but he doesn't use it. He will not let me help him organize anymore and will not throw anything out...even old papers from school.

When I do his laundry and ask him to put it away, nothing is put where it belongs, and consequently he can't find something important like a sports jersey or something he really needs. Socks end up on the t-shirt drawer, athletic shorts end up in the pajama drawer...nothing is where it belongs. It is really a problem to the point that i have started putting his stuff away for him because I can't take trying to help him find things or going out to buy new stuff because he lost them. By the way, we did try having him fold and put away, and that was even worse.

He has ADHD, and not medicated. Bright kid, good student getting mostly As in a challenging curriculum. Can't do meds because of side effects.

Please tell me I am not alone here, and if anyone has any suggestions on how to help this kid (who is beginning to resent me). I worry about how he is going to manage when he leaves home for college in a few years. Is there a professional I can hire to help him get organized? Should I cross post this on kids with special needs, or is this a universal issue among all teen boys?

Why aren't you medicating?? Sounds like you're doing him a disservice. You expect a perfectly organized space (you sound a whole lot anal, so what if socks are in the "wrong" drawer?) yet won't give him what he may need to succeed. And ftr, I'd cut that shizz off of letting him have food in his room.

What an ignorant question. But considering your last sentence that comes as no suprise.

My ADD child is unmedicated, amphetamines are not even an option. The non amphetamines are ineffective and have horrendous side effects The best treatment for my child has been CBT. I'm unmedicated as well and we both operate well with lists. As a matter of fact, he's a straight A student and an incredible artist and I have a success career. I think ADD can even be turned into a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
+1. For the past couple years, I've been asking my now 6th and 8th graders to help with laundry. Please fold a load, please start a load. Gripe, moan, they forgot, they were busy and would later. It was like pulling teeth. Then I got sick the flu this winter and asked them to help out by running laundry. Which they didn't do. Straw that broke the camel's back. So now, they do their own laundry. Such an improvement. Occasionally, I'll run a load for one of them, or throw something they need the next day in with my laundry and they THANK ME. This time a year ago, there was grumbling because they wanted to wear such and such and it was dirty. I should have moved the responsibility to them a long time ago.

I think this only works if you have a child who cares about hygiene.

If you have a slob, the natural consequence of no clean clothes... backfires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a lot of the comments here (punishment, natural consequences, etc) are from people who don't have a child with ADHD.

My teen does. He has a lot of trouble cleaning his room and the house. What really helps is breaking things into tiny details as a checklist and requiring him to do them. Saturday mornings before he can have any fun he has to do the following list. I am VERY SPECIFIC about all parts of the job and make sure each job doesn't take much more than about 3 minutes. I think he gets instant feedback as he checks off each one -- he doesn't seem to mind doing these things, whereas if I told him to "clean your room" he'd have no idea where to start.


Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets; fluff pillows.

Desk

____Clean clutter off of desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.
____ Organize items left on desk top neatly
____ Polish top of desk with wipe; throw wipe in trash

Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put away all clean, folded laundry, neatly, in correct drawers.
____If laundry basket is full, carry it downstairs to washing machine.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put away in correct location.
____When carpet is cleared of all clutter, vacuum the rug, all parts of the rug
(including corners and under the desk).

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can
____ Declutter top of dresser so you can see the wood.
____ Wipe dresser top with polishing wipe; throw wipe in trash

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.
____ Pick up clothing that has dropped to the floor of the closet and hang it up.

Windowsills and doors

____Clean off all junk, garbage, etc from both windowsills.
____Wipe down windowsills with cleaning wipe; throw wipe in trash
____Wipe window panes with spray cleaner and paper towel; throw towels in trash
___ Wipe door handles and light switches with cleaning wipe, throw wipe in trash.
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside; return cleaning spray and wipes to cleaning closet

This list is great for an NT kid or even an ADHD kid who has had a lot of practice but for an ADHD kid who hasn't it's too overwhelming.
Also, words like "sort" and "organize" are pretty much meaningless to ADHD kids/adults. Yeah, we get the concept but if we could do it, then we wouldn't have the mess we do!

So I would pare down the list to start:

Bed

___ Clean all junk out of bed – socks, empty food wrappers, clothes, books, etc. put socks in laundry basket, wrappers in trash etc.
____ Take sheets and blanket off of bed; put them into hamper.
____ Make bed neatly with new sheets and blankets;

Desk

____Clean off desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.


Floor/clothes

____Pick up all dirty laundry on floor and put in laundry basket.
____Put any clean laundry not already in drawers/closet into another laundry basket.
____ Pick up all books and electronics on floor and put on desk.
____Vacuum carpet or rug.

Dresser

____ Close dresser drawers completely. If you can't, rearrange clothes until you can

____Clean off desk top; garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf, etc.

Closet

____ Close closet door completely. If you can't rearrange things so you can.


Bookshelf, Windowsills

____Clean off all junk, garbage to trash, dishes and cups to kitchen; school stuff to book bag, books to shelf from both .

Garbage
___ Empty trash basket into a new garbage bag;
___Put garbage bag in garbage can outside;

OP here. I intentionally did not comment on this list because it would never work for my ADHD son. In fact, it would just overwhelm him and, frankly, annoy him. But he is 15.

I have managed to use one word phrases, and that seems to work.

For example:

Bed (make your bed)
Clothes (pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper)
Bathroom (clean up the bathroom)
Glasses (bring empty glasses to the kitchen)

etc. etc.

I think the one word instructions are most effective with all teens. Teens do not want to be micromanaged. Even teens with ADHD.

My issue is that I want my teen to do these things without my input. That is the big challenge now.

Put something specific you want him to do there. Try and avoid words and phrases like clean up, sort, organize, clean off