My son was molested on a school field trip. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone should ask Jeff to check this thread to see if it's one or two posters who keep minimizing the assault, and warning against reporting it to the proper authorities (the police).

You don't like our opinion, so you run to Jeff?

If your "opinion" is that this wasn't an assault,
let's make it clear just for you.

--- Legal Definition of Sexual Assault ---
Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact
or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent
of the recipient.
- US Department of Justice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At our elementary school a couple of years back the 5th grade boys used to do this to each other. I remember boys in my class in elementary school used to do this to each other too - grabbing balls. My son's ES put a stop to it, my school didn't - a question of generation. Not a big deal either way.

Now at the high school level, kids should know better!!! I agree you need to know more about this other boy, what interaction he has had with your child prior to this incident, who witnessed it, etc... I don't think any high school victim would want to make this into a big deal, but there's also the perpetrator to think about - he needs to be made to understand that this is not acceptable, otherwise he might just continue, with other victims, in other places.

In this unfortunate day, you need to ask if someone videotaped it/uploaded it to social media...

So sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I see two kids with an issue here, and OPs son is actually in a much better place. Lots of good advice to follow his lead, don't let him internalize victim hood, etc.

I also see another boy who quite possibly is troubled in his sexuality, scared, confused and may not feel empowered to come out. He possibly had a crush on OPs son, and being an idiot teenager, thought he could deal with the issue without the son knowing. If he is not a predator and is ashamed of his own feelings, this public being found out puts him at risk of suicide.

From what I can see there was no imbalance of power here or abuse of a position of authority. OPs son knows better than anyone here whether this kid gives off a predatory vibe or a pathetic/unsure vibe. How to deal the most appropriately should depend on the son's take on things. And keep the police out of it.

I'm a female, and over the years I've used this calculus several times. Douchey arrogant jock-type, would get the book thrown at him. Nerdy socially awkward guy still gets a firm "no" but also an actual conversation later.

[Anonymous]

You sound very confused, 20:05.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone should ask Jeff to check this thread to see if it's one or two posters who keep minimizing the assault, and warning against reporting it to the proper authorities (the police).

You don't like our opinion, so you run to Jeff?

If your "opinion" is that this wasn't an assault,
let's make it clear just for you.

--- Legal Definition of Sexual Assault ---
Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact
or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent
of the recipient.
- US Department of Justice

Well that sounds all official. But in practical matters, there's simply no proof it ever happened.

[Anonymous]

In practical matters, there's no proof that 20:08 has any clue what he's talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

This. Sane, balanced advice. Please heed.

OP here and of course I talked to my son. No, he wasn't held down, but the other kid was feeling him up *while he was asleep* (on an overnight bus ride). So, yeah, I think that ABSOLUTELY would count as forcing himself on my son, wouldn't you? Son says that as soon as he woke up and realized what was happening, he shifted position and the other kid took his hand away.

Yes, it could have been worse. But just because clothes stayed on doesn't mean it wasn't an assault.

And yes, as everyone can imagine, he wants this to be as private as possible, i.e., to keep his name out of it. I explained the difference between privacy, secrecy and shame, and praised him (repeatedly) for reporting it to the school, which I know was very difficult for him. I said that this other boy may have been counting on my son's being too ashamed to report it, and that he was so brave for proving the boy wrong.

I don't know how much control we will have over the school's actions, but at first I was thinking that expulsion would be enough. Then DS wondered if he was responsible for reporting a crime. He says he wants to make sure there's a record of this in case it happens to someone else. They are both minors; would this even go on his "permanent record"?

I'm the PP you responded to. The other kid is skewed, but both kids may be skewed by the way the adults handle this situation. I am not sure touching someone with their clothes on equal sexual assault. It seems to me to be Inappropriate and unwelcome touching. You have to ask yourself if you'd jumped the gun so fast it if it were someone of the opposite sex. You have to be careful not to make your kid a super by appropriating this with those who have been gravely assaulted. Your perception may ultimately influence your son's reality of the event. Thread carefully

*screwed and screwed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the posters who said to take a breath. I only posted once. I sincerely think it's not a big deal. If it were a teacher who did it, that would be different. It's a peer. Two teenagers. Your son was asleep. It will not harm your son in any way.

+1 Yea, that's the thing here. Sometimes kids are just jerks. But people these days think that one interrupted incident of inappropriate touching equals sexual assault and should be tried by a jury.

I have encountered more than one douchebag during my life. As soon as they started behaving inappropriately, I shut that sh&t down real fast and that was the end of it.

[Anonymous]

There's no grey area here. Sexual assault is sexual assault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's the end of the world. Especially since your DS was asleep. Calm down.

Found the sex offender! How's life on the reg?

[Anonymous]

You know who decides if this was a big deal? If this was a sexual assault? OPs son. The one who was touched. It triggered enough in him for him to report it.nwbatever it is beyond that should be up to him, with the guidance and support of his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see two kids with an issue here, and OPs son is actually in a much better place. Lots of good advice to follow his lead, don't let him internalize victim hood, etc.

I also see another boy who quite possibly is troubled in his sexuality, scared, confused and may not feel empowered to come out. He possibly had a crush on OPs son, and being an idiot teenager, thought he could deal with the issue without the son knowing. If he is not a predator and is ashamed of his own feelings, this public being found out puts him at risk of suicide.

From what I can see there was no imbalance of power here or abuse of a position of authority. OPs son knows better than anyone here whether this kid gives off a predatory vibe or a pathetic/unsure vibe. How to deal the most appropriately should depend on the son's take on things. And keep the police out of it.

I'm a female, and over the years I've used this calculus several times. Douchey arrogant jock-type, would get the book thrown at him. Nerdy socially awkward guy still gets a firm "no" but also an actual conversation later.

You know, your post is simply awful.

If OPs child was a girl instead of a boy, there is no way in hell you would write a long, dripping with sympathy for the young man doing the assaulting, referring to him as an equal victim and saying there was no imbalance of power.

Whether or not he was gay does not earn him excuses, sympathy, victimhood status, or any other kindness you would not give to any other sexual predator.

Are you so blinded by being PC that you are eager to make excuses and justify this awful behavior? Or to minimize OPs son's anger, embarrassment or trauma by declaring this young man an "equal" victim?

What a disgusting pile of excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody's clothes came off so let's take a breath and not start to quickly on a course that could potentially cause your kid more harm. The way you explained it, the child made a pass at your son, but I am not hearing he held your kid down and forced himself or forced your kid to do something. I am only approaching this from this angle because we don't want to do more psychological harm to your son by blowing this to Siberia. I hope there's a psychologist on here that can help come your nerves so you can process this in a measured form. BTW, if it was me, I would want to talk to my son first and find out all the facts and how he feels.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see two kids with an issue here, and OPs son is actually in a much better place. Lots of good advice to follow his lead, don't let him internalize victim hood, etc.

I also see another boy who quite possibly is troubled in his sexuality, scared, confused and may not feel empowered to come out. He possibly had a crush on OPs son, and being an idiot teenager, thought he could deal with the issue without the son knowing. If he is not a predator and is ashamed of his own feelings, this public being found out puts him at risk of suicide.

From what I can see there was no imbalance of power here or abuse of a position of authority. OPs son knows better than anyone here whether this kid gives off a predatory vibe or a pathetic/unsure vibe. How to deal the most appropriately should depend on the son's take on things. And keep the police out of it.

I'm a female, and over the years I've used this calculus several times. Douchey arrogant jock-type, would get the book thrown at him. Nerdy socially awkward guy still gets a firm "no" but also an actual conversation later.

You know, your post is simply awful.

If OPs child was a girl instead of a boy, there is no way in hell you would write a long, dripping with sympathy for the young man doing the assaulting, referring to him as an equal victim and saying there was no imbalance of power.

Whether or not he was gay does not earn him excuses, sympathy, victimhood status, or any other kindness you would not give to any other sexual predator.

Are you so blinded by being PC that you are eager to make excuses and justify this awful behavior? Or to minimize OPs son's anger, embarrassment or trauma by declaring this young man an "equal" victim?

What a disgusting pile of excuses.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

So sorry you all are gong through this.

I feel bad for the other kid's parents too. Only thing worse than finding out your kid was molested finding out your kid is a molester.


As for what to do you need to do.

1. Follow your son's lead. He decides who he wants to tell, including his siblings. He decides who he wants to talk to about it. He decides if he wants to report it, and he's allowed to change his mind.

2. Therapist for your son.


3. Therapist for you to help you process your feelings and emotions.


4. Resources such as RAINN to give you insight on what your son is going through and what to expect during this process.


5. Don't treat him like a victim- by that I mean your instinct will be to become extra protective of him. Treat him as you always do, but be sensitive to needed changes.


I'm so, so sorry.