Mother's Anxiety and Holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I hear what you all are saying.

I really hate being pitted in the middle of everyone's expectations. My parents, my in-laws predominantly. I don't have a problem with my sibling - though I wish I could have gotten a heads up that this was coming.

If they would all freaking grow up and act like adults, none of this would be an issue because it would be easy and or enjoyable to have both sets of inlaws with us for a holiday. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

It's very easy to tell someone in this situation to tell the parents not to bother you with this right now and who cares if they are mad. And another to know that the reality is that this will be brought up in every conversation now from here until the Fall. The longer I choose not to answer the more pushing there will be. That's just the reality of what I have coming. I have to deal with it or cut off my relationship with my parents.

I have a completely self-centered Mother who can't seem to grasp that life isn't all about her and her needs. I've always had to manage that and try to set boundaries as best as I can - much counseling has been had on this issue.

Anecdotally - this past Christmas, my sibling had my parents over on Christmas eve and for dinner on Christmas Day. They came down to see us over the weekend after Christmas. Mom posted a big diatribe on Facebook to her friends about how awful it is to be ALONE on Christmas morning. She was angry with my sibling for not having them over in the morning to watch the kids open their gifts. That they were ONLY invited for Christmas eve and Christmas day dinner. Just a way of showing you what BS and fake created drama we're dealing with here.

I posted earlier but want to reiterate that no, it's not necessarily easy for us to tell you to royally ignore your mother's conniptions - some of us deal with the same thing! I once went 2 YEARS without seeing my mother face to face, because she was so obnoxious. You may theoretically know that you need to have stronger willpower than she. Understandably it's hard for you right now to deal with this. We all sympathize with your situation, believe me!

Do what is easier for you right now. Many times people take the path of least resistance - enabling. When you are stronger, you may want to start not giving a damn.

[Anonymous]

OP your mother sounds exhausting. You work and have a small child. If you're doing radiation you won't be able to do fun summer stuff in the sun unfortunately.

So thanksgiving will actually be your first real chance to rest after treatment.

Go.
Have.
Fun.

Do not cook a meal for a bunch of people and spend half of the day scrubbing pots.

See if your family can go someplace nice and relaxing. Get the hell out of dodge. Enjoy time with your child and spouse, who have also been under stress through all of this.

You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother sounds exhausting. You work and have a small child. If you're doing radiation you won't be able to do fun summer stuff in the sun unfortunately.

So thanksgiving will actually be your first real chance to rest after treatment.

Go.
Have.
Fun.

Do not cook a meal for a bunch of people and spend half of the day scrubbing pots.

See if your family can go someplace nice and relaxing. Get the hell out of dodge. Enjoy time with your child and spouse, who have also been under stress through all of this.

You deserve it.

op! I've read every post in this thread. Agree with PPs who said you tell your dad directly to run interference. Set a firm boundary as in, "Dad, Joel and I have decided that with my cancer treatments, we simply are going day by day. Fact is, most days, I don't feel so great. It doesn't help me and in fact it agitates me especially now when I feel like I'm being harangued by mom and and her demands to plan. Stop! Here's the deal. I'm not Planning anything, at all now. I'm working, taking care of Julia and Joel and prioritizing my health. Honestly, in November, Joel and I want to rest and relax in Tahiti for a week.
I need your support in helping me to rest and recuperate and not become unduly stressed about much beyond a few days ahead."

Then, I swear, OP, do not engage. Ignore future annoying communications. Maybe don't respond if you get follow up questions. Ignore your mom on FB.
Focus on your little family and your health and whatever gets you through day by day...and start planning that trip to Tahiti. You are in control, believe it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother sounds exhausting. You work and have a small child. If you're doing radiation you won't be able to do fun summer stuff in the sun unfortunately.

So thanksgiving will actually be your first real chance to rest after treatment.

Go.
Have.
Fun.

Do not cook a meal for a bunch of people and spend half of the day scrubbing pots.

See if your family can go someplace nice and relaxing. Get the hell out of dodge. Enjoy time with your child and spouse, who have also been under stress through all of this.

You deserve it.

op! I've read every post in this thread. Agree with PPs who said you tell your dad directly to run interference. Set a firm boundary as in, "Dad, Joel and I have decided that with my cancer treatments, we simply are going day by day. Fact is, most days, I don't feel so great. It doesn't help me and in fact it agitates me especially now when I feel like I'm being harangued by mom and and her demands to plan. Stop! Here's the deal. I'm not Planning anything, at all now. I'm working, taking care of Julia and Joel and prioritizing my health. Honestly, in November, Joel and I want to rest and relax in Tahiti for a week.
I need your support in helping me to rest and recuperate and not become unduly stressed about much beyond a few days ahead."

Then, I swear, OP, do not engage. Ignore future annoying communications. Maybe don't respond if you get follow up questions. Ignore your mom on FB.
Focus on your little family and your health and whatever gets you through day by day...and start planning that trip to Tahiti. You are in control, believe it!

OPs dad enables her mother. He's the one who sent the text message regarding Thanksgiving, not OPs mom. No way is he going to run interference! No offense meant at all to your dad OP, but he sounds like the type of man who gets bullied by his wife and just does what she says in order to get her to leave him alone. Am I close?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother sounds exhausting. You work and have a small child. If you're doing radiation you won't be able to do fun summer stuff in the sun unfortunately.

So thanksgiving will actually be your first real chance to rest after treatment.

Go.
Have.
Fun.

Do not cook a meal for a bunch of people and spend half of the day scrubbing pots.

See if your family can go someplace nice and relaxing. Get the hell out of dodge. Enjoy time with your child and spouse, who have also been under stress through all of this.

You deserve it.

+1

Tell *everybody* that this Thanksgiving is for you and DH to do whatever feels right at the time.

Maybe a getaway, maybe a staycation, but no hosting and cooking a traditional meal for sure.

You will be getting your grip back on normal life, and that is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I hear what you all are saying.

I really hate being pitted in the middle of everyone's expectations. My parents, my in-laws predominantly. I don't have a problem with my sibling - though I wish I could have gotten a heads up that this was coming.

If they would all freaking grow up and act like adults, none of this would be an issue because it would be easy and or enjoyable to have both sets of inlaws with us for a holiday. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

It's very easy to tell someone in this situation to tell the parents not to bother you with this right now and who cares if they are mad. And another to know that the reality is that this will be brought up in every conversation now from here until the Fall. The longer I choose not to answer the more pushing there will be. That's just the reality of what I have coming. I have to deal with it or cut off my relationship with my parents.

I have a completely self-centered Mother who can't seem to grasp that life isn't all about her and her needs. I've always had to manage that and try to set boundaries as best as I can - much counseling has been had on this issue.

Anecdotally - this past Christmas, my sibling had my parents over on Christmas eve and for dinner on Christmas Day. They came down to see us over the weekend after Christmas. Mom posted a big diatribe on Facebook to her friends about how awful it is to be ALONE on Christmas morning. She was angry with my sibling for not having them over in the morning to watch the kids open their gifts. That they were ONLY invited for Christmas eve and Christmas day dinner. Just a way of showing you what BS and fake created drama we're dealing with here.

Again, who gives a shit? Every time they bring it up, you say, "Yeah, it's a bitch that this cancer treatment is keeping me from making holiday plans, isn't it?" And if they keep pushing, you say, "Look, I've made it clear that I can't make plans for the fall at this point. Let's talk about something else." And then hang up or leave if you have to. The only consequence you've identified is that your parents will say unpleasant things to you or post dramatic diatribes on FB, but (1) so what, and (2) you can always hang up or walk away or refuse to talk about it. If you know its BS and fake drama, just ignore it. Because as long as you make choices based on avoiding conflict with your mom, she is right in thinking that life is all about her and her needs. Stop enabling that. Accept that she's going to piss and moan. Create a mantra to chant in your head when she does. And then feel how awesome it is not to let your life be dictated by a self-centered narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother sounds exhausting. You work and have a small child. If you're doing radiation you won't be able to do fun summer stuff in the sun unfortunately.

So thanksgiving will actually be your first real chance to rest after treatment.

Go.
Have.
Fun.

Do not cook a meal for a bunch of people and spend half of the day scrubbing pots.

See if your family can go someplace nice and relaxing. Get the hell out of dodge. Enjoy time with your child and spouse, who have also been under stress through all of this.

You deserve it.

op! I've read every post in this thread. Agree with PPs who said you tell your dad directly to run interference. Set a firm boundary as in, "Dad, Joel and I have decided that with my cancer treatments, we simply are going day by day. Fact is, most days, I don't feel so great. It doesn't help me and in fact it agitates me especially now when I feel like I'm being harangued by mom and and her demands to plan. Stop! Here's the deal. I'm not Planning anything, at all now. I'm working, taking care of Julia and Joel and prioritizing my health. Honestly, in November, Joel and I want to rest and relax in Tahiti for a week.
I need your support in helping me to rest and recuperate and not become unduly stressed about much beyond a few days ahead."

Then, I swear, OP, do not engage. Ignore future annoying communications. Maybe don't respond if you get follow up questions. Ignore your mom on FB.
Focus on your little family and your health and whatever gets you through day by day...and start planning that trip to Tahiti. You are in control, believe it!

OPs dad enables her mother. He's the one who sent the text message regarding Thanksgiving, not OPs mom. No way is he going to run interference! No offense meant at all to your dad OP, but he sounds like the type of man who gets bullied by his wife and just does what she says in order to get her to leave him alone. Am I close?

Op here.

Not just close....spot on....

[Anonymous]

OP, best of luck with your treatments. I hope you have support from friends, church, other relatives, someone. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

If your parents need a decision RIGHT NOW, then say the answer is no. That gives them plenty of time to find alternate plans for Thanksgiving.

If they are willing to wait until the fall, there's a chance you'll be able to have them. But since they need an immediate answer, and you can't commit, you must say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother sounds exhausting. You work and have a small child. If you're doing radiation you won't be able to do fun summer stuff in the sun unfortunately.

So thanksgiving will actually be your first real chance to rest after treatment.

Go.
Have.
Fun.

Do not cook a meal for a bunch of people and spend half of the day scrubbing pots.

See if your family can go someplace nice and relaxing. Get the hell out of dodge. Enjoy time with your child and spouse, who have also been under stress through all of this.

You deserve it.

op! I've read every post in this thread. Agree with PPs who said you tell your dad directly to run interference. Set a firm boundary as in, "Dad, Joel and I have decided that with my cancer treatments, we simply are going day by day. Fact is, most days, I don't feel so great. It doesn't help me and in fact it agitates me especially now when I feel like I'm being harangued by mom and and her demands to plan. Stop! Here's the deal. I'm not Planning anything, at all now. I'm working, taking care of Julia and Joel and prioritizing my health. Honestly, in November, Joel and I want to rest and relax in Tahiti for a week.
I need your support in helping me to rest and recuperate and not become unduly stressed about much beyond a few days ahead."

Then, I swear, OP, do not engage. Ignore future annoying communications. Maybe don't respond if you get follow up questions. Ignore your mom on FB.
Focus on your little family and your health and whatever gets you through day by day...and start planning that trip to Tahiti. You are in control, believe it!

OPs dad enables her mother. He's the one who sent the text message regarding Thanksgiving, not OPs mom. No way is he going to run interference! No offense meant at all to your dad OP, but he sounds like the type of man who gets bullied by his wife and just does what she says in order to get her to leave him alone. Am I close?

Op here.

Not just close....spot on....

I'm the one who suggested you tell Dad you need him to run "interference." This "explanation" means nothing. He is 100% as culpable for this dysfunction as your mother, OP. As a parent, you stand up for and protect your kids, even when the "harm" is coming from your spouse/their parent. He has ENABLED her for years...as have you and your siblings. ****Why WOULD she change her ways, when you all are writing her a permission slip for bad behavior?****

In acting, there's a technique where your intention/motivation remains the same, but when your character doesn't get what he/she wants, you "change your tactic...change your tactic...change your tactic." Why on Earth would your mother change her tactic when she is getting what she wants? You are, in effect, giving her positive reinforcement?

You teach people how to treat you.

Start teaching her that you are putting your health and recovery first right now, OP, and you will not be indulging her antics. Teach your father and siblings that this is what you are doing right now, and their support would be appreciated, but it is not required for you to do what you need to do.

And most of all, good health to you, OP. I'm sure none of this is easy.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you join a closed facebook group for people with similar struggles (say, mom undergoing chemo)? I find this very helpful for dealing with the stress of my son's illness; I get very little emotional support from family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.

This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....

It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.

Don't put this on your sibling, unless he changes his mind last minute every single time.
It's your mother's fault for overreacting and putting her needs above others.
You see how she manages to put you at odds with your sibling? Don't fall for it. Classic maneuver, my mother does this all the time.

And a PP had it right - why exactly do you care so much that she gets angry? Let it go. You don't have to live with her, your father does, and he chose this eyes wide open. He gets to suffer, not you. Let her be angry. Go ahead and take care of just yourself. It's your only life, and it's hanging by a thread.

Been there, done that.

I agree. Stop acquiescing to these demands and blaming your sister. This is your mother's issue alone. You need to tell her you aren't focused on thanksgiving and won't be for some time. And then when you do focus on it, it's PERFECTLY FINE to say, "It's DH family's turn this year." Let the chips fall where they may. It is not your job to manage your mother's anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my family. Shame on your mom for not being more considerate. OP has friggin' CANCER.

My mother thinks the holidays are now all about her being the greatest grandma alive. With two small children myself, honestly, I could live without the holidays for a few years. Kids have no clue what's going on at that age, anyway. That's why we get a very small Christmas tree. If grandma doesn't like it, if the xmas tree just isn't big and shiny enough for grandma, she can stick the little tree you know where. ;-P

As far as OP's mother's behavior goes, I chalk it up to how some old people are-- it's all about "me me me me me me me me me." It's the start of the regression that elderly go through, sort of like Benjamin Button. All they need is a damn pacifier.

Also sounds like OP's parents have very little going on in their lives. It's like Thanksgiving is the biggest moment grandma has to think about for all of 2016 other than the presidential election. People like that need a hobby or two, big time.

[Anonymous]

OP -

My mom is kind of like this, though not as extreme. I think you should use your sickness as a way to change the pattern you have with them. Mom, Dad, I HAVE CANCER. I don't care about Thanksgiving right now, and MY HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MOM'S NEED TO PLAN. I am making the decision to prioritize myself. If you can't accept that, then I'm afraid we won't be able to do holidays together going forward. That would make me sad, but, again, MY HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT.

Best wishes to you in your fight against cancer. And against selfish parents.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing how much stress you can eliminate if you are pleasant, but FIRM and stop caring whether people are upset or not. Their problem, not yours. Tell them what the other PPs have suggested. If they get mad, too bad. Don't engage, try to explain, or apologize.