Mother's Anxiety and Holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she live local? Suggest a restaurant. Done.

done?
Really, is life so simple?

[Anonymous]

I get that it's annoying, but if the worst that's going to happen is that people will say not-so-nice things about you--who gives a shit? I mean, this is only a problem because you go along with it. If you're not ready to make plans so far in advance, just say so. If you can't do X this year, just say so. And then they'll be mad--who cares?

[Anonymous]

OP if you alternate and this is inlaws year, just say that.

I'm an only child and my parents do get lonely and sad every other Thanksgiving and Christmas that they have to spend by themselves. That's life though.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

I hear what you all are saying.

I really hate being pitted in the middle of everyone's expectations. My parents, my in-laws predominantly. I don't have a problem with my sibling - though I wish I could have gotten a heads up that this was coming.

If they would all freaking grow up and act like adults, none of this would be an issue because it would be easy and or enjoyable to have both sets of inlaws with us for a holiday. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

It's very easy to tell someone in this situation to tell the parents not to bother you with this right now and who cares if they are mad. And another to know that the reality is that this will be brought up in every conversation now from here until the Fall. The longer I choose not to answer the more pushing there will be. That's just the reality of what I have coming. I have to deal with it or cut off my relationship with my parents.

I have a completely self-centered Mother who can't seem to grasp that life isn't all about her and her needs. I've always had to manage that and try to set boundaries as best as I can - much counseling has been had on this issue.

Anecdotally - this past Christmas, my sibling had my parents over on Christmas eve and for dinner on Christmas Day. They came down to see us over the weekend after Christmas. Mom posted a big diatribe on Facebook to her friends about how awful it is to be ALONE on Christmas morning. She was angry with my sibling for not having them over in the morning to watch the kids open their gifts. That they were ONLY invited for Christmas eve and Christmas day dinner. Just a way of showing you what BS and fake created drama we're dealing with here.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP - I have some similar family issues and it is awful trying to deal with someone so unreasonable.

You don't have to put up with bad treatment in general, but your health really gives you the perfect "excuse" to put yourself first. I like the suggestions of PPs who've said to send a message/make a call saying you're not going to be thinking about Thanksgiving until after your treatment ends in October, and others are free to make plans in the meantime without you. It is okay not to reply to the angry messages that might follow. Wishing you good health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Dad, I'm focused on the cancer and more immediate concerns right now. Of course, if we have Thanksgiving here, you're invited as always. But if Mom needs to have a plan in place right now, you should go ahead and make arrangements."

Right, but add:

"And frankly, Dad, I'm disappointed that you aren't protecting me from this kind of unnecessary planning right now. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me focus on my health by running family interference for me right now."

This strikes me as a very good idea, particularly if you add "until I am done with treatment in October. I realize that you may need to make plans for some things before then, and if so, please make those plans without me." Let them know that you are not up to being manipulated like this when you're in the middle of a health crisis, that you are going to focus on your health, and that you will not be dealing with anything of this nature before your treatment is done in October.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I hear what you all are saying.

I really hate being pitted in the middle of everyone's expectations. My parents, my in-laws predominantly. I don't have a problem with my sibling - though I wish I could have gotten a heads up that this was coming.

If they would all freaking grow up and act like adults, none of this would be an issue because it would be easy and or enjoyable to have both sets of inlaws with us for a holiday. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

It's very easy to tell someone in this situation to tell the parents not to bother you with this right now and who cares if they are mad. And another to know that the reality is that this will be brought up in every conversation now from here until the Fall. The longer I choose not to answer the more pushing there will be. That's just the reality of what I have coming. I have to deal with it or cut off my relationship with my parents.

I have a completely self-centered Mother who can't seem to grasp that life isn't all about her and her needs. I've always had to manage that and try to set boundaries as best as I can - much counseling has been had on this issue.

Anecdotally - this past Christmas, my sibling had my parents over on Christmas eve and for dinner on Christmas Day. They came down to see us over the weekend after Christmas. Mom posted a big diatribe on Facebook to her friends about how awful it is to be ALONE on Christmas morning. She was angry with my sibling for not having them over in the morning to watch the kids open their gifts. That they were ONLY invited for Christmas eve and Christmas day dinner. Just a way of showing you what BS and fake created drama we're dealing with here.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.
You might consider hiding your mother on Facebook for now.
If your spouse can handle phone calls with them on your behalf, that could be helpful in distancing yourself from their guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

I guess we can't help you, OP. We can't change your mom, your dad, or your sib. And you won't change your response! I know 'who cares' is easier said than done, but this not easy for you either. You have to pick your route and make peace with it. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I have read some of the responses, including some of yours, but not all. It sounds to me like YOU need to relax. One of the first responses was perfect. If your mother gets upset that's on her. If she needs to make plans now, tell her to do so, but that you are not in a position to make thanksgiving plans yet. Why don't you set a schedule and stick to it. Every other thanksgiving/Christmas is theirs. The in laws get the other holiday that year. Done. If your siblings change plans that's on them, not you. It seems that you have allowed your mother's drama to create drama in your own life. You are in charge of your life and you don't have to allow this to cause drama for you but you are allowing it to, and preemptively doing so! Just relax and focus on your health.

[Anonymous]

"Don't know, don't care" would have been my response. My sister has anxiety and pulls stuff like this. I literally hang up on her when she starts "spinning" on it. Her anxiety about this is her problem.

Check out the book "Boundaries", author Cloud. I think it might help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hi Dad, I'm not sure because of my cancer treatments whether or not I'll be up to it. I'm happy to let you know in October, but if you need to plan earlier, please just go ahead with other plans. I can't commit to hosting since my health has to be my first priority, sorry."

This. And I'd CALL them with this speech

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I suspected that this was coming up do to something with my sibling and turns out I was right.

Sibling and spouse live near our parents. We live several hours drive away. Sibling alternates years going to their in-laws home for Thanksgiving (in another state, they need to fly to get there). Last year they were supposed to go to the in-laws, so I invited our parents down to be with us for Thanksgiving. Sibling and spouse then ended up changing their plans and stayed home for Thanksgiving by themselves.

So here we are, sibling must have brought up to our parents that they are going to their in-laws for Thanksgiving this Fall (why are we talking about this now??) and BAM, I get a text trying to get me to lock in my plans for this coming Thanksgiving.

BTW- I have in-laws too and we too try to alternate holidays. So with having my parents last year, I'm sure my husband is going to want to invite his parents this year. I've tried inviting both families to come at the same time, but they don't like one another and it's difficult/tense. They can barely hold it together and be pleasant to one another for one day to celebrate our DS's birthday. It's really annoying to see 60/70-somethings behave like children.

Anyway - I know what's coming. If I chose not to entertain the conversation right now I'll get the whole, "we need to be able to make our plans" and "you're going to make us wait not knowing if we will be alone for Thanksgiving" and "you need to respect/appreciate our need to get this worked out (to reduce Mom's anxiety)"

For the love of Pete....

I'd tell them it's your turn to host your IL's IF you're feeling up to it. They should go ahead and make whatever plans they need to and not to count on you cooking them a bird. Then I'd probably flip her one

[Anonymous]

It's very easy to tell someone in this situation to tell the parents not to bother you with this right now and who cares if they are mad. And another to know that the reality is that this will be brought up in every conversation now from here until the Fall. The longer I choose not to answer the more pushing there will be. That's just the reality of what I have coming. I have to deal with it or cut off my relationship with my parents.

I have a completely self-centered Mother who can't seem to grasp that life isn't all about her and her needs. I've always had to manage that and try to set boundaries as best as I can - much counseling has been had on this issue.

Anecdotally - this past Christmas, my sibling had my parents over on Christmas eve and for dinner on Christmas Day. They came down to see us over the weekend after Christmas. Mom posted a big diatribe on Facebook to her friends about how awful it is to be ALONE on Christmas morning. She was angry with my sibling for not having them over in the morning to watch the kids open their gifts. That they were ONLY invited for Christmas eve and Christmas day dinner. Just a way of showing you what BS and fake created drama we're dealing with here.

I gently suggest you spend a couple more hours with the counselor on this very issue. It sounds like you need a 'course correction' because it seems like you're falling back into the pattern of accommodating your mother's anxiety. I know how hard it is to overcome a lifetime of conditioning. Perhaps it's your stress level that's sending you back to that place. You're choices aren't just 'deal with it or cut off' your relationship with your parents. I understand anxiety and you should not have to deal with your mothers. Hugs and good luck on battling BC.

[Anonymous]

Op, why can't you tell them a date when you'll let them know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I suspected that this was coming up do to something with my sibling and turns out I was right.

Sibling and spouse live near our parents. We live several hours drive away. Sibling alternates years going to their in-laws home for Thanksgiving (in another state, they need to fly to get there). Last year they were supposed to go to the in-laws, so I invited our parents down to be with us for Thanksgiving. Sibling and spouse then ended up changing their plans and stayed home for Thanksgiving by themselves.

So here we are, sibling must have brought up to our parents that they are going to their in-laws for Thanksgiving this Fall (why are we talking about this now??) and BAM, I get a text trying to get me to lock in my plans for this coming Thanksgiving.

BTW- I have in-laws too and we too try to alternate holidays. So with having my parents last year, I'm sure my husband is going to want to invite his parents this year. I've tried inviting both families to come at the same time, but they don't like one another and it's difficult/tense. They can barely hold it together and be pleasant to one another for one day to celebrate our DS's birthday. It's really annoying to see 60/70-somethings behave like children.

Anyway - I know what's coming. If I chose not to entertain the conversation right now I'll get the whole, "we need to be able to make our plans" and "you're going to make us wait not knowing if we will be alone for Thanksgiving" and "you need to respect/appreciate our need to get this worked out (to reduce Mom's anxiety)"

For the love of Pete....

I'd tell them it's your turn to host your IL's IF you're feeling up to it. They should go ahead and make whatever plans they need to and not to count on you cooking them a bird. Then I'd probably flip her one

Yaaasssss!