Mother's Anxiety and Holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I really hate that my sibling really F's me over with all their changes in holiday plans. They change plans on my parents and all of a sudden they are banging down my door.

This has happened several times now. In fact, one year, when I was first married, my sibling changed plans for Christmas - deciding to go to the inlaws instead. I already had made plans to have my inlaws down for Christmas that year, knowing that my parents would already have plans. My parents literally asked me to cancel on my inlaws, so they could come instead, so they wouldn't be alone for Christmas....

It's stuff like this that makes me want to book a vacation away for every major holiday.

Don't put this on your sibling, unless he changes his mind last minute every single time.
It's your mother's fault for overreacting and putting her needs above others.
You see how she manages to put you at odds with your sibling? Don't fall for it. Classic maneuver, my mother does this all the time.

And a PP had it right - why exactly do you care so much that she gets angry? Let it go. You don't have to live with her, your father does, and he chose this eyes wide open. He gets to suffer, not you. Let her be angry. Go ahead and take care of just yourself. It's your only life, and it's hanging by a thread.

Been there, done that.

I agree. Stop acquiescing to these demands and blaming your sister. This is your mother's issue alone. You need to tell her you aren't focused on thanksgiving and won't be for some time. And then when you do focus on it, it's PERFECTLY FINE to say, "It's DH family's turn this year." Let the chips fall where they may. It is not your job to manage your mother's anxiety.

This. This. This. This! The fact that your parents are still acting this way while you are battling cancer is self-centered and abusive in the extreme.

[Anonymous]

Coming on here again to insist that if your parents hate you and go off into a huge huff for years because of this,

WHO CARES???

Won't it feel great and such a good riddance?

Trust me, your kids don't need to see such grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I would love to see how your mom's FB friends react when she posts a diatribe in *March* about how her horrible daughter won't commit to cooking Thanksgiving dinner because she has cancer!!!

Seriously, maybe let her do this and have her friends tell her what a selfish loon she is.

OP, you have my sympathy. My mom can be self-centered, but never to this level. Agree with everyone, though, that this is as much a growth opportunity for you as it could be for her. You have to learn to say no and be firm or disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents need a decision RIGHT NOW, then say the answer is no. That gives them plenty of time to find alternate plans for Thanksgiving.

If they are willing to wait until the fall, there's a chance you'll be able to have them. But since they need an immediate answer, and you can't commit, you must say no.

This. It's exactly how I'd handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hi Dad, I'm not sure because of my cancer treatments whether or not I'll be up to it. I'm happy to let you know in October, but if you need to plan earlier, please just go ahead with other plans. I can't commit to hosting since my health has to be my first priority, sorry."

Yes. And, by the way, you are obviously MUCH nicer than I am.

Much nicer than I am, too. WOW.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Just text back "not sure. Let's talk" done. Easy easy.

I wish my mom would ask me stuff like that instead of assuming she was coming. it took chemo to get us out of throwing get a holiday dinner.