Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

[Anonymous]

PPs are probably right that she just sees this as her job, but I do think you need to be honest with yourself if something else is going on. For a while after he stopped drinking, my DH was so crabby and nasty to all of us that I didn't like to leave my kids alone with him. Even though I knew he wasn't drinking and would keep them physically safe, he would be mean to them,stress them out and make them upset. Having grown up in that kind of household myself, it wasn't worth a few hours of freedom to me - had to those pointing out that she went out at night, if the kids are young they could have already been in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's her own guilt plain and simple. I don't think she is trying to be anything other than a great parent and wife. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that being a martyr isn't really helping.

This is very, very common in SAHMs. Especially those who left successful careers to stay at home. They enjoy excelling at everything they do. So wanting to do it "all" in regards to the house and kids goes right in line with what they have always done.

In my experience, the best way to help make a change is for her to understand that by taking care of herself (pursuing an interest, a hobby, or education that makes her feel alive) and making time for herself, will in fact help all of you. Her identity has become too heavily steeped in her role as a mom. Subconsciously, she no longer views herself as an individual. Her primary responsibility is raising the kids.

Good luck. I was in her shoes. Ultimately, I almost ruined our marriage. I had very few outside interests. My whole world revolved around the kids. I wasn't much fun to be around. It wasn't until my kids were in school full-time and I could pursue my own interests a little more that things improved.

Very insightful. I can relate as someone who left my job recently (not because I want to be a SAHM forever, but because we moved, I hated my job and it made more sense for our family for me to stay home for a few months before I change careers).

I feel sorry for OP's wife and saddened by the lack of empathy on this board. I understand that she isn't helping herself or her family, but her intentions are good and she probably is dealing some anxiety. I would sit her down and try to talk to her about her feelings and concerns. I also agree with framing it differently as "spending time with dad" vs "I'm taking over the morning routine for today."

The constant policing of maternal behavior in society can really exacerbate these situations. I've had people make comments to me from both ends of the spectrum; both that I'm too laid back, also that I am too uptight or a "slave to routine". Certain women looked upon me with pity when I was a WOHM and my DH was staying at home with our child, and now others make negative comments about the fact that I SAH. The pressure and judgment from society is neverending and difficult for some to cope with. Fathers do not receive the same level of scrutiny that mothers do. And then we further demonize women for trying too hard, calling them "nutcases" and "control freaks" in their pursuit of perfect motherhood, which only makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle and empathy is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

What? How do you get that? He sounds great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

What? How do you get that? He sounds great!

NP. I also think he sounds like an ahole. I think it's mostly the title, which is inanely condescending. And it's also how carefully the op is constructed to show zero insight into how he might be contributing to this issue and every mention of his wife is critical. No one is ever all good or all bad in a relationship but if my husband was walking aims calling me a martyr that would signify some serious resentment to me.

[Anonymous]

DW and mommy here and I CANNOT stand these types of women.....they are Martyrs and quite frankly I encounter a lot of them here in these parts. I luckily I do not associate with these women. I wish I had some advise OP, you sounds like a very thoughtful DH. I hope you two are able to find a solution, because eventually she will have a break down of sorts and burn out. It sounds like other things are already starting to fall through the cracks, such as your sexual relationship. That is always the first thing to go...

[Anonymous]

Your wife feels a responsibility to get up with her kids, instead of sleeping off a bender, and your response is to start a thread bashing her? You sound like a passive aggressive tool.

If you are wondering why she won't relax, why don't you ask her in a nonconfrontational way? "Okay, honey, I know your feel responsible for the kids and want to spend time with us, but I worry you'll be cranky from lack of sleep. Are you sure you don't want to sleep in?" That'll then give her a chance to address your concerns.

Instead, you're on DCUM playing Daddy Martyr so the thirsty women here will tell you how awesome you are and awful your wife is. Grow up and grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

What? How do you get that? He sounds great!

NP. I also think he sounds like an ahole. I think it's mostly the title, which is inanely condescending. And it's also how carefully the op is constructed to show zero insight into how he might be contributing to this issue and every mention of his wife is critical. No one is ever all good or all bad in a relationship but if my husband was walking aims calling me a martyr that would signify some serious resentment to me.

Exactly. She's just so awful, with no context at all except the details most calculated to make her look bad. He's an idiot and so are the women here buying into it.

[Anonymous]

I sleep in happily on the weekends but I wake up to a destroyed house and a messy kitchen. I love sleeping in so I go with it, but I could see why someone may not appreciate it and its easier to do it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Mommy Martyrs who exhaust themselves over the kids, then ignore the marriage, are completely selfish. Keep up your efforts to get her to find more balance, lest your marriage wind up in the toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife feels a responsibility to get up with her kids, instead of sleeping off a bender, and your response is to start a thread bashing her? You sound like a passive aggressive tool.

If you are wondering why she won't relax, why don't you ask her in a nonconfrontational way? "Okay, honey, I know your feel responsible for the kids and want to spend time with us, but I worry you'll be cranky from lack of sleep. Are you sure you don't want to sleep in?" That'll then give her a chance to address your concerns.

Instead, you're on DCUM playing Daddy Martyr so the thirsty women here will tell you how awesome you are and awful your wife is. Grow up and grow a pair.

i love you and your use of thirsty.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the constructive feedback. Also, thanks for confirming that it doesn't matter what you post, someone in anonymous internet land will call you an asshole.

FWIW, I get up early, about 6am when our kids wake up. We try to keep quiet but kids are kids. If we can sneak out, we do so, but this morning she woke up from me trying to sneak back in the bedroom to get my sweater.

Her general response is that the kids are a handful and its not fair I get saddled with them 2 on 1. Perhaps its because she is with them all day - and yes, if I have them all day, I am over them too - but since I haven't seen them, I am fresh and ready. We used to leave the house immediately for the donuts and coffee routine but 6am is early. I am thinking of scheduling this a day a month so she can expect it and not feel guilty if its only occasional.

Someone upthread pegged her correctly, she is (was) an attorney at a biglaw firm before SAHM 8 years ago. She does everything to the max. We are very different in that respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the constructive feedback. Also, thanks for confirming that it doesn't matter what you post, someone in anonymous internet land will call you an asshole.

FWIW, I get up early, about 6am when our kids wake up. We try to keep quiet but kids are kids. If we can sneak out, we do so, but this morning she woke up from me trying to sneak back in the bedroom to get my sweater.

Her general response is that the kids are a handful and its not fair I get saddled with them 2 on 1. Perhaps its because she is with them all day - and yes, if I have them all day, I am over them too - but since I haven't seen them, I am fresh and ready. We used to leave the house immediately for the donuts and coffee routine but 6am is early. I am thinking of scheduling this a day a month so she can expect it and not feel guilty if its only occasional.

Someone upthread pegged her correctly, she is (was) an attorney at a biglaw firm before SAHM 8 years ago. She does everything to the max. We are very different in that respect.

Said you came off like an ahole. Take that as constructive feedback about your communication approach or not, whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are getting terrible advice here. I am a DW with a martyr mom who tends that way myself.

You need to stop being subtle with her. Tell her in a calm time when she is happy that you are troubled by the dynamic that is set up. You teach people how to treat you and you are allowing her to treat you and the kids this way. My Dad dd this for YEARS until he didn't and they got divorced.

She will not hear you the first couple times you tell her - keep trying and be clear with her in the moment as well. But don't turn these into big fights. Just be firm, calm and clear. That you have a vision for your relationship and for her well-being and yours and your relationships with the kids. Her view of "her job being with the kids" is weird and she needs to get past that. Some therapy might help if needed.

Good luck! You sound like a great guy - similar to my husband - and we have really come far in this arena and have a great life together. Improves the sex life too - because you are helping her take care of herself. and taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

How the hell has your DH not left you yet? You sound completely insufferable.

[Anonymous]

She probably likes to micro manage things.