Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

[Anonymous]

Tell her she needs to let go and let you bond with your kids, too. Find a parenting book or article that will explain this, so she can see it is objectively "good." And reassure her that they will eat well and be home in time for nap, etc. start with small outings and then scale up. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It's her own guilt plain and simple. I don't think she is trying to be anything other than a great parent and wife. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that being a martyr isn't really helping.

This is very, very common in SAHMs. Especially those who left successful careers to stay at home. They enjoy excelling at everything they do. So wanting to do it "all" in regards to the house and kids goes right in line with what they have always done.

In my experience, the best way to help make a change is for her to understand that by taking care of herself (pursuing an interest, a hobby, or education that makes her feel alive) and making time for herself, will in fact help all of you. Her identity has become too heavily steeped in her role as a mom. Subconsciously, she no longer views herself as an individual. Her primary responsibility is raising the kids.

Good luck. I was in her shoes. Ultimately, I almost ruined our marriage. I had very few outside interests. My whole world revolved around the kids. I wasn't much fun to be around. It wasn't until my kids were in school full-time and I could pursue my own interests a little more that things improved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

WOW! he is their father. You are illustrating the whole anti-husband/father bent which kills marriages. by the way.... she didn't have a problem leaving him at home with the kids on Friday night while she went out with her friends until way late. What makes you think he would magically become incompetent on Saturday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

No...you are a incompetent male who shouldn't be trusted with his own children (see previous post.... being sarcastic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

I am not understanding why you didn't? Could you not get the kids out of the house before she woke up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

I am not understanding why you didn't? Could you not get the kids out of the house before she woke up?

DH tries to do this a lot and jokes that I have supermom hearing because I wake up from a dead sleep the second I hear DS say a word. I'm guessing that his wife woke up naturally hearing them going about their morning routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

You say she "insists on getting up". Can you give more details? When she starts to get up, and you say "honey: lay in bed! I'll take care of everything! You need your rest!", what does she say? These details will help us figure out what her problem is (and you are right: it is a problem).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

Well, you need to explain to her the many ways she does help you with your job. I assume that her being a SAHM relieves you of many things that you would other wize have to do. Make her feel that her work is valuable enough 6 days a week, and she gets a day off, just like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

+2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

Yes unlike you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

Well we know one poster who will not be sleeping in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

I think you need to acknowledge that the kids are her job, and she's doing a great job. But like all jobs, it has to have reasonable hours. You do not work at your job 24/7. She should not be working as SAHM 24/7 either. But, the thing is that SAHM doesn't come with regular hours. You and she have to sit down and talk about what her "hours" are and what her "tasks" are and what are "family hours" which you both have to divide and how you agree that should be spending "family hours" (which will change as kids grow). Ask her what her long term goals are, both personal and professional. What does she want to do with her "me time" - work out more? take time to do activities that might allow her to slide back into the work force at some point? pursue some other interests?

[Anonymous]

Another one here who wonders if Dad got up right away. I had this happen multiple times, where he'd have said he'd take over that morning so I could sleep, and then I'd wake up and hear them crying or actually up and about. He'd keep sleeping, and I'd nudge him and he'd say five more minutes over and over, until finally I just got up and took care of them. Many women are wired to jump into action when babies cry and toddlers wander. It's how humans survive. Not sure most men are wired that way, so they don't get that it's like an adrenaline surge, almost.

If you got up right away, before she was wide awake and in action mode, you should have the balls to insist she stay in bed and rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.

Remind her that on the weekends, and after you get home at night, the kids and home ARE your job, too. You both give 100%, and sometimes that means you do ALL the work, and sometimes it means she does ALL the work.

Sorry she's putting this stress on herself. Can you ask her what would convince her that you don't feel put upon? If the kids are her job, she needs to realize that she needs time off, too. And you want to give it to her. So when she is being the main caretaker she is able to be at her best.

You sound like a great guy, dad, and husband (don't listen to the jerks it there).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is intent on being a SuperMom. Good for you to have noticed this behavior; pointed it out to her; and make efforts to ensure she gets enough breaks from SuperMom role. Many men just let all that go. Not much more you can do except continue to be supportive.

You mentioned being unhappy about the sex life. Have you told her this? What exactly does she say? While you really can't force her out of the SuperMom cape, I believe you do have some reasons expectation for a decent sexlife which you should pursue.