Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

[Anonymous]

My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

My guess is she feels she has to. She's painted herself into a box of supermom and superwife so she feels she has to do everything or she is somehow failing.


She's made it a competition for herself and her mom friends to one up each other. If she stayed into rest then she couldn't sat how she does everything even on your day off.

[Anonymous]

Give her a different "supermom" task when she wants to come with you. Like going to the supermarket or getting those tights Larla needs at the mall or bread-making. Then she is home, has a little downtime, but can still feel like she's achieving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

Always the man's fault. How clichéd

[Anonymous]

This is sad. If I were her I would definitely sleep in. I'm guessing she's a bit insecure about her role as a Sahm and feels like she isn't doing her share if she doesn't go with you.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just frame it differently. "I want to spend some just dad time with them- you get to lots during the week, so I want to make sure I'm establishing a similar relationship"

+1.

[Anonymous]

Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

[Anonymous]

Good luck if she's that controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

A guy who has no problems with his wife going out for a girls night and then makes plans to get his kids up and take them out to the museums alone so she can sleep in and relax is now an asshole? Christ Almighty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

Wow, I feel sorry for your DH.

[Anonymous]

Haven't you posted the same thing before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound reasonable here and I'm sure my DH would say some of the same things. What does she say when you ask her (not when she's tired and crabby, but when she's feeling good)?

I'm not a SAHM but I do a lot more of the hands-on parenting than my DH does. I would love to have a day or even a morning to myself. But my kids give me a lot of grief and this compounds the guilt that I already feel for even wanting time away from them.

My guess is that it's not so much about being a martyr but maybe just feeling guilty. Which is really, really hard for my DH to get but it's there for me a lot of the time.

She says she feels like the kids are her job. Since she doesn't help me with my job, she feels guilty when I have to help her with her job on my day off (her words, not mine). I don't get it, the kids aren't my job, I am a dad.