Breaking the Mommy Martyr Routine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife feels a responsibility to get up with her kids, instead of sleeping off a bender, and your response is to start a thread bashing her? You sound like a passive aggressive tool.

If you are wondering why she won't relax, why don't you ask her in a nonconfrontational way? "Okay, honey, I know your feel responsible for the kids and want to spend time with us, but I worry you'll be cranky from lack of sleep. Are you sure you don't want to sleep in?" That'll then give her a chance to address your concerns.

Instead, you're on DCUM playing Daddy Martyr so the thirsty women here will tell you how awesome you are and awful your wife is. Grow up and grow a pair.

No, you're just a bitch. The OP came asking for advice and you, and some other harpies, run this into something else. Perhaps the thread is hitting too close to home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

Wow.

Did you really have to be so mean...??!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if some of the women out there realize the mixed messages that they are sending.

On one hand, we have multi-page thread last week about women criticizing men for not pulling their fair weight in raising the kids.

Then we get the responses to OP in this thread - who is a dad who wants to help and give his DW a break (albeit doing things his own way) but his wife will not let him. Instead of helping him strategize, a great bunch of you imply that he must be an asshole, incompetent or whatever else.

Take it from me, if you want a fully involved dad, you are going to have the pump the brakes about everything being done a certain way. Stress over results, not process. Some of you want your DH to do as much as you do but you also want to tell him what to do and how to do it. You want a "team" as long as it is on your terms. That is a recipe for bad parenting relationship and a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I wonder if some of the women out there realize the mixed messages that they are sending.

On one hand, we have multi-page thread last week about women criticizing men for not pulling their fair weight in raising the kids.

Then we get the responses to OP in this thread - who is a dad who wants to help and give his DW a break (albeit doing things his own way) but his wife will not let him. Instead of helping him strategize, a great bunch of you imply that he must be an asshole, incompetent or whatever else.

Take it from me, if you want a fully involved dad, you are going to have the pump the brakes about everything being done a certain way. Stress over results, not process. Some of you want your DH to do as much as you do but you also want to tell him what to do and how to do it. You want a "team" as long as it is on your terms. That is a recipe for bad parenting relationship and a bad marriage.

I'm one of the people who thought he sounded like an ahole. I also have a fully involved DH who is a great dad and an equal partner who I let parent how he wants to parent and don't hover over giving instructions. I just don't think calling someone a 'martyr' is constructive. Its very condescending and IMO conveys an active resentment towards his wife. I don't really believe that someone that is insulting his wife is truly interested in helping her so much as coming off as the 'BEST DAD AND DH EVER.' He's just coming off as disingenuous. Of course if reality is exactly as he describes than his wife is a controlling crazy but I just think it is rare that one part of a couple is the only person responsible for a rough patch. It takes two to tango. Part of wanting an equal partner in my husband is wanting someone who won't resort to thinking about me in such a derogatory way because we'll be honest and talk it out before it gets to this point.

I just guess the image of this amazing dad trying desperately to whisk the kids out of the house at 6 in the morning and then accosted by his type A wife refusing to let him spend time alone with his kids just rings a bit false to me. But its really the use of the word martyr, which IMO kind of invalidates any of the wife's feelings in his mind. I think OP and all of his defenders here are being a bit overly defensive. Some of us found his tone to be quite jerky, it doesn't mean we're all mommy martyrs ourselves, it just means he came off a bit like an ahole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she wants to spend time with you. Although I'm not sure why because you sound like kind of an asshole.

??? OP seems great, his wife is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

TBH you sound like a bit of a nutcase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I wonder if some of the women out there realize the mixed messages that they are sending.

On one hand, we have multi-page thread last week about women criticizing men for not pulling their fair weight in raising the kids.

Then we get the responses to OP in this thread - who is a dad who wants to help and give his DW a break (albeit doing things his own way) but his wife will not let him. Instead of helping him strategize, a great bunch of you imply that he must be an asshole, incompetent or whatever else.

Take it from me, if you want a fully involved dad, you are going to have the pump the brakes about everything being done a certain way. Stress over results, not process. Some of you want your DH to do as much as you do but you also want to tell him what to do and how to do it. You want a "team" as long as it is on your terms. That is a recipe for bad parenting relationship and a bad marriage.

I'm one of the people who thought he sounded like an ahole. I also have a fully involved DH who is a great dad and an equal partner who I let parent how he wants to parent and don't hover over giving instructions. I just don't think calling someone a 'martyr' is constructive. Its very condescending and IMO conveys an active resentment towards his wife. I don't really believe that someone that is insulting his wife is truly interested in helping her so much as coming off as the 'BEST DAD AND DH EVER.' He's just coming off as disingenuous. Of course if reality is exactly as he describes than his wife is a controlling crazy but I just think it is rare that one part of a couple is the only person responsible for a rough patch. It takes two to tango. Part of wanting an equal partner in my husband is wanting someone who won't resort to thinking about me in such a derogatory way because we'll be honest and talk it out before it gets to this point.

I just guess the image of this amazing dad trying desperately to whisk the kids out of the house at 6 in the morning and then accosted by his type A wife refusing to let him spend time alone with his kids just rings a bit false to me. But its really the use of the word martyr, which IMO kind of invalidates any of the wife's feelings in his mind. I think OP and all of his defenders here are being a bit overly defensive. Some of us found his tone to be quite jerky, it doesn't mean we're all mommy martyrs ourselves, it just means he came off a bit like an ahole.

Fair enough...because I made the mirror image of the point in bold in the other thread about dads that do not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I wonder if some of the women out there realize the mixed messages that they are sending.

On one hand, we have multi-page thread last week about women criticizing men for not pulling their fair weight in raising the kids.

Then we get the responses to OP in this thread - who is a dad who wants to help and give his DW a break (albeit doing things his own way) but his wife will not let him. Instead of helping him strategize, a great bunch of you imply that he must be an asshole, incompetent or whatever else.

Take it from me, if you want a fully involved dad, you are going to have the pump the brakes about everything being done a certain way. Stress over results, not process. Some of you want your DH to do as much as you do but you also want to tell him what to do and how to do it. You want a "team" as long as it is on your terms. That is a recipe for bad parenting relationship and a bad marriage.

Yep. Gave my friend this advice when she was frustrated about how she and her husband had agreed he would get the kids ready in the am but it had only happened once and she bad complained about how he did it. I said either you want him to do it and you accept how he does it or you do it and shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you competent to care for the children without ruining their routine? If they spend the morning with you would they eat healthy food, be given clear guidelines, be supervised appropriately, and be home in time for naps? If you think those things don't matter then you don't get it. I am a SAHM, and if my DH takes the kids for the morning, they will eat junk for breakfast, he will ignore them to the point where he has lost one of the kids in a public place multiple times that I know of, and he would make them miss naps, then he would hand them off to me when the sugar high wears off and they are exhausted and stressed out from him yelling at them and go watch tv because it's now my turn.

TBH you sound like a bit of a nutcase.

Sounds like she married an inept guy who she cannot communicate with - says a lot about her if she CHOSE to marry and procreate with such an incompetent dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day.

I can see myself doing this because I don't want to miss out on an outing with the kids. And, yes, I would probably not be at my best. Not saying it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

Is she a little bit of a control freak? Maybe she feels like she HAS to get up to get them dressed (her way) and make them breakfast (her way) and pack the lunches (her way).

[Anonymous]

So you have a Type A lawyer wife who's grimly and relentlessly determined to supermother while she's a SAHM. Seems that you will have to be very assertive and give her a solid argument that the kids are equally your pleasure and responsibility to care for, that you want to do this, and that she's entitled to free time to sleep, rest, do something alone or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a mommy martyr and it is wearing thin. For example, last night she went out with her friend late, past midnight (totally cool with me). I was planning on getting the kids out of the house this morning for breakfast then museums so she can sleep in and relax. But she insists on getting up. And she will be tired and crabby all day, which will ruin everyone's day. You can imagine how our sex life is under the circumstances.

I am truly happy to take the kids for the morning/day. I work a lot of hours so its nice to spend time with them. She is a SAHM. To be honest, its more enjoyable without her around the kids when she is in a crabby mood.

Can someone give me some insight as to why she insists on getting up and being with us 24/7? Anything I can do to convince her to take time off?

So you wrote this at 8am on Sunday. How did the day go?
Did your wife fulfill your hypothesis of being "tired and crabby all day, and ruining everyone's day."

BTW, you wrote nothing indicative of a "mommy martyr". Do you have some other issues that are the real problem? Because having Sunday breakfast as a family, and going around museums when its sunny and 65F out does not sound like a martyr to me. What's really going on here? I hope you didn't continue your negative put-down tone the whole day. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's her own guilt plain and simple. I don't think she is trying to be anything other than a great parent and wife. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that being a martyr isn't really helping.

This is very, very common in SAHMs. Especially those who left successful careers to stay at home. They enjoy excelling at everything they do. So wanting to do it "all" in regards to the house and kids goes right in line with what they have always done.

In my experience, the best way to help make a change is for her to understand that by taking care of herself (pursuing an interest, a hobby, or education that makes her feel alive) and making time for herself, will in fact help all of you. Her identity has become too heavily steeped in her role as a mom. Subconsciously, she no longer views herself as an individual. Her primary responsibility is raising the kids.

Good luck. I was in her shoes. Ultimately, I almost ruined our marriage. I had very few outside interests. My whole world revolved around the kids. I wasn't much fun to be around. It wasn't until my kids were in school full-time and I could pursue my own interests a little more that things improved.

THat's called raising young children. Your hobbies, crazy travels, daily gym classes, and late nights take a hit. Duh.
DH and DW need together time too. In OP's case, to repair their relationship. He has a very poor opinion of his wife, to the point that he does not want her around when he can go show the kiddos a fun time once a week. Wonder if he does any disciplining or childcare or homework time, or just swings in for the fun stuff. That didn't even fool my kids when they were 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and mommy here and I CANNOT stand these types of women.....they are Martyrs and quite frankly I encounter a lot of them here in these parts. I luckily I do not associate with these women. I wish I had some advise OP, you sounds like a very thoughtful DH. I hope you two are able to find a solution, because eventually she will have a break down of sorts and burn out. It sounds like other things are already starting to fall through the cracks, such as your sexual relationship. That is always the first thing to go...

Actually, you sound like OP. As do 50% of the posts on this thread. Sad.